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Time for another ranty thread

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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    edited April 2019
    I'm struggling soooo much that it's almost fucking comical.

    And now my dad's insisting on having his stupid girlfriend round in a few weeks. Call me mean or inconsiderate all you want, but I really did not need this news today. Or at all. But especially atm. I just sat in the bathroom and cried for like half an hour. Maybe that sounds pathetic lol and it's a lil dramatic but I'm feeling so bad.

    Really feel like suicide. (but won't so don't go breaking confidentiality and shit. Not that anyone should even care). I'm just so tired and sad and hopeless and all that crap. My brain keeps throwing evidence at me that I'm better off dead and no one will ever like me or care. And other bad thoughts. And feel really stuck and like too much is preventing me from living.

    I can't fucking cope with all this anymore.
    ---------------------
    edit: god I'm so sorry. I keep moaning you're probably all pretty sick of me. I think I'm a bit beyond this site helping me anyway tbh. I'm in that terrible mix where I probs need more than these boards rn, but I'm not doing bad enough for something like crisis messenger lol. I'd consider the Samaritans but tbh I'm just too shy and feel I'd be bothering them to really contact any helpline. I will shut up now sorry. I'm just really, really, sad and exasperated and stressed and worried and just plain miserable.
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    edited April 2019
    So I've realised something about myself that wasn't that clear until just now.

    I want attention... I'm not sure exactly why though... I need to work on this some more. I find I generally want attention, though I often find specific people who I like and value their opinion and just want to make friends with them or something lol (but they always never really care about me sadly).

    I think that's in part why I end up posting a lot about my misery on here, when I start posting about it. I want to get attention somehow...

    This happened with my mom's boyfriend too. He turned out to be an asshole, but I did like him a lot at first (he seemed genuinely nice). And I remember I'd play things up a lot to try to get his attention - like acting really hyper, or really down, or some other thing to try to catch it. I never really did though... And then he turned out to just not give a fuck about me at all which hurt... But anyway.

    So... I guess I haven't really got people in my life. No friends and not sure how to make them, a kind of difficult immediate family, and my more distant family I don't think really care or want to get to know me more. So in part, I think I want and need some friends in my life. People I get along with and relate to, to do stuff with, who genuinely care. Idk how to make them though, like I say... It's hard 'cause I'm pretty different - which I don't mind, but it makes finding other peeps my age who are similiar pretty difficult. I think I'm also insecure and have a lot of hate for myself, but wow, that's even harder to do anything about.

    You'll probably think I'm pathetic and will judge. But you know what? Seeking/wanting attention is pretty heavily shamed. All the crap of, "you did this for attention," etc.. But really, it's perfectly fine and natural to need and want attention. And I believe that if someone did do something for attention, there's a bigger issue going on, and they deserve attention anyway - and if they did something bad out of wanting attention, attack the bad thing, not their desire for attention. But yeah... Feel free to think I'm pathetic still. I do feel like that lol.


    EDIT: I was talking to my dad about it and it sounds like we have similar experiences here... So that's kind of reassuring lol. 'Cause I feel a bit weird and embarrassed.

    Anyway... I have a bunch of issues to work out here. Don't mind me.
    Post edited by Kathleen07 on
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2019
    Can not washing grapes make someone ill. ?

    Cause have shits now lolll & think either that or something wrong with me. Cause keep getting randomly ill now.  Ffs being ill like is so much is triggering Eatin disorder thoughts. I an nearly doing better with laxatives abuse & nearly off them & not dependant but when i get ill randomly v triggering. My eyes also keep going bit blurry towards this time. Maybe just pills am taking dk
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,148 Part of The Furniture
    Shaunie said:
    Can not washing grapes make someone ill. ?

    Cause have shits now lolll & think either that or something wrong with me. Cause keep getting randomly ill now.  Ffs being ill like is so much is triggering Eatin disorder thoughts. I an nearly doing better with laxatives abuse & nearly off them & not dependant but when i get ill randomly v triggering. My eyes also keep going bit blurry towards this time. Maybe just pills am taking dk
    Have you had a eye test recently mine use to do this and I just needed glasses to take the stress of my eyes becuase they were Straining abit but doing it all day would tire them out ? 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    @Millie2787 Oh no. I hope not. I dont want glasses and I cant remember last time had an eye test. Cant afford it either. But thanks
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Thank god for emojis when no words can fit all this torment:

    :rage::bawling::frown::pensive::confused::worried::cry::tired_face:
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    DancerDancer Community Champion Posts: 7,804 Master Poster
    Why do I always have to be the one in pain? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 In the past week I have had an injured elbow which is thankfully better, a bug bite on my knee which was soooooo itchy, painful and annoying, ripped skin on my hands, a cut on my ankle, a split toenail, rough skin and a bruised toe.
    "There's a part of me I can't get back. A little girl grew up too fast. All it took was once. I'll never be the same." ~ Demi Lovato
    "The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
    "I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous 
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    For god's sake... I can't even do basic and important stuff tbh. Help. I'm just sick of either fighting against, or drowning in, all this horrible mental crap.

    I'm so tired:((
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    Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,148 Part of The Furniture
    I swear if one more fucking person weather there a tourist or live in London push or barge into me one for time i will push them infront of a bus !! 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    Omgg i really wish i could close my eye and that would be it and be dead
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2019
    .
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2019
    I hate myself
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    When you forget what you were going to say and it's haunting your brain and driving you nuts. :/
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    AbigailAbigail Posts: 818 Part of The Mix Family
    Had a rough nights sleep. Worrying about everything knowing there is nothing that can be done at 4am. As well as then pesky thought of harm too. Going to be a grumpy stroppy moody day. All I want is my cuddles from my cousin and my niece. Just want it all to be over just want people to leave me alone and stop asking me question about her just want a break 😭
    Some people think I am unhappy. I'm not. I just approach silence in the world that never stops talking.
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,039 Boards Guru
    Sending you hugs @Abigail hope you're okay <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    My colleagues were talking about a painkiller and I pipe up without thinking 'if you overdose on it you go temporarily deaf' ... then it clicked none of my colleagues have attempted before and now they know just how crazy I am 🙃🙃🙃 😭 
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    edited April 2019
    Ahhhhhh stomach paaaaaiiiiiinn :joy: Owwwwwwwww what the fuck

    Edit: I think eating banana has caused it :bawling::joy: Nooooooo. So I try to be healthy, and I just get repaid with pain. Seriously? Ugh this sucks.
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    Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,148 Part of The Furniture
    edited April 2019
    I’m so annoyed with myself ! My remark came back and they haven’t found the mark I needed to pass which means I have to rely on the coursework that I’m doing shit in so probs won’t even get the L2 pass I need  so fucking great just proves how much of a failure I am. I’m so fucking done with college and education now 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    Well i regret drinking redbull before bed. But i couldnt stand feeling so tired much more.... But now ive just not slept loool. Stopid
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    DancerDancer Community Champion Posts: 7,804 Master Poster
    Omg my friend is so triggering and really does not help me. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I was messaging her about how I feel fat after I had dinner. She said I have no meat on me, I need to eat, that I am a stick and other stuff that is supposed to be nice. How is calling someone a stick a compliment? Someone tell me. 
    "There's a part of me I can't get back. A little girl grew up too fast. All it took was once. I'll never be the same." ~ Demi Lovato
    "The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
    "I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous 
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    DancerDancer Community Champion Posts: 7,804 Master Poster
    Shaunie said:
    Well i regret drinking redbull before bed. But i couldnt stand feeling so tired much more.... But now ive just not slept loool. Stopid
    I couldn't sleep either so I understand. I have been awake since 2:15am and nothing has gotten me back to sleep. Not even breathing exercises or Deal Or No Deal (very boring.)
    "There's a part of me I can't get back. A little girl grew up too fast. All it took was once. I'll never be the same." ~ Demi Lovato
    "The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
    "I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous 
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    DancerDancer Community Champion Posts: 7,804 Master Poster
    TRIGGER WARNING. PLEASE ONLY READ IF YOU DO NOT GET TRIGGERED WHEN SOMEONE TALKS ABOUT BODY IMAGE. 

    I know that I really should be asleep but I can't sleep. I don't know who to talk to or what to do.

    My friend is so triggering and really does not help me. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I was messaging her about how I feel fat after I had dinner. I feel like I am such a fat, disgusting hippo (no offence to actual hippos.) Is it right that a 13 year old (or anyone) feels so fat, self concious and like they should go on a diet? She said I have no meat on me, I need to eat, that I am a stick and other stuff that is supposed to be nice. How is calling someone a stick a compliment? Please tell me. I understand that it might sound nicer than being called fat but it is still very offensive and triggering to me.

    I feel like there is way too much pressure for people's body image to be a certain way. I found out a lot more about that when Sexplain UK came to my school on 22nd March to talk about body image. We had to make collages out of fashion magazines which made me feel very uncomfortable because a lot of the models are soooooo slim and they are much, much, much, much prettier than me. I even had a chat with one of the volunteers from Sexplain about it and she agreed that there is too much pressure.
    It has left me very stressed and unable to sleep.

    I am writing this from my bed at 4am so you can guess how bad my sleep is. I have been awake since 2:15am. Why do I always have to be the one feeling like this? Why does anyone deserve to feel like this? 

    Written by a very tired, upset, ugly, blobilised stick figured hippo (aka Kasa.)


    "There's a part of me I can't get back. A little girl grew up too fast. All it took was once. I'll never be the same." ~ Demi Lovato
    "The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
    "I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous 
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2019
    Aha fml. The only time i go on twitter to only use to look at what trending ....and its national unicorn day ahah. Fml. Yeah i aint buying that boohoo unicorn onsie ahah. Hate to be such a kill joy But How can there be a day for something that doesnt exist aha

     Im suprised the confetti canon hasnt changed to like pictures of unicorns falling down ahahah
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I hate my sibling. I'm not just being mean, they truthfully act like a little piece of shit. So rude and bossy and inconsiderate and argumentative and all that fun stuff. They act like a bully tbh. I wish my parents (specifically my dad) would stop putting up with it. I feel like slapping the bitchiness out of them. The rage. :rage:
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    Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,148 Part of The Furniture
    My dad fucks me off so much he knows how important my orthodontist appointments are and knows I have one tomorrow morning knowing mum doesn't like driving me there and the fact I had to cancel my last one yet hasn't booked the morning off work to take me So now I’m going to have to cancel it again meaning I haven’t seen her since January and this was meant to be my last appointment but Noooo I’m gonna  have to carry on going for longer 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I'm half nervous for my speech and language therapy appointment (6 days now), and half just like, "yaaaaay, please, fix my throat, I'll do anything, pleeaase".
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    All the best for your appointments @Millie2787 and @kathleen0172
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,515 Skive's The Limit
    So my dad is cancelling Spotify. First world problems and all. But music really helps me when i am out and stuff. So not only do we have to starve to save money will have to cancel spotify. Whats next netflix. ?????lol hope not. Fml im so stressed. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,148 Part of The Furniture
    Shaunie said:
    So my dad is cancelling Spotify. First world problems and all. But music really helps me when i am out and stuff. So not only do we have to starve to save money will have to cancel spotify. Whats next netflix. ?????lol hope not. Fml im so stressed. 
    If you have an iPhone Shaunie you can get 3 months free of Apple Music , you enter your card detailed but cancel it before the end of the 3 months ( like a few days before ) and you won’t be changed - I’ve just had to do the same lol 
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    When you spend valuable money on something only for it to break as soon as you touch it. :unamused:
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