Best Of

this is probably really pathetic but i genuinely do feel so so unwanted in this world. my sister is always the one that’s more loved than me. it hurts so much. on my birthday, all i got from cousins etc was the generic message facebook already has set when it’s someone’s birthday, some of them were actually a few days late too. my sisters birthday, not even 8am and my cousins etc are all posting photos of her through the years with such cute little happy birthday messages. the part that’s got me even more is one of the photos i was actually in but on the specific post, i was cut out of it completely. it’s so silly i know but it just hurts so so much that she’s always been more loved and wanted by me - it’s always been that way.

i don’t really care about if people say happy birthday or not or stuff like that, its just the principle of the situation. what do i do that’s so wrong to be so disliked by everybody.

Throughout my life I have never had any issues making friends when I was in school. I had a lot of friends in primary and secondary school. Even when I was in university I talked to everyone and I enjoyed socialising.

I do have mental health issues but people can't tell due to how talkative and easy going I am.

Ever since I graduated 2 years ago, no-one speaks to me or reaches out to ask me how I am. I know the phone and messages goes both ways but I am tired and exhausted always reaching out to others and I hate it. I hate having to be the first person to initiate everything all the time when others are lazy to reciprocate it.

I do want some advice on this, but not the one where everyone says go outside, volunteer, join a club or hobby. It is always the standard answers and people don't even bother. I do volunteer and did join hobbies and nothing came out of it.

When will people realise and wake up that this is harmful. Treating other people like they are disposable and inconvenient is horrible. I have been there so many times and I am tired of it. Everytime I have tried to make friends, people just use me and throw me away like I mean nothing.

So what am I meant to do? I sometimes wish I could move to another country and start over again.

I’ve been sending a few days thinking about how I want to write this post and I think I’ve finally got it. Recently I went to see dear evan Hansen the musical, which was incredible but the acting was so raw and the themes so real it brought back a few things I prefer not to think about. The main point is when evan said to his mother ‘you would hate me if you knew what I tried’. And it reminded me of even though they aren’t aware of it what I very nearly put my family through and the guilt I feel daily of how much it would have ruined them. I still feel so so guilty that I vowed to never put them through it and whenever I think like that it is them that stops me. I also wrote something that I think describes what I am feeling a bit better than I can on here.
Thanks
‘ I don’t think you ever truly recover from the guilt of the future you might have left behind. Just one bit further and that would’ve been it. You wouldn’t have made it out. They would’ve come home calling to an empty echoing house devoid of life. Hand shaking, hearts breaking as they desperately try to pull you back to the place you have left. The letters would be there sure, but that’s shallow comfort in the world you would’ve created. They would pace the room searching and scrambling for what they could’ve done. You would not be there to tell them they did all they could. Outside the door four black paws scratching, where is she. I don’t understand. He never will. The family photo sits there a painful reminder of what was, and what can never be again. Your father would become angry. How could she be so selfish? After everything I gave her. He will never be able to answer that question. Your mother on the other hand will wilt and become a ghost of who she used to be. She will sit on your bed holding your cat, dreading the day the final piece of her daughter will depart with his furry form. She will never stop asking why she wasn’t home. Your sister will become frozen. She will graduate uni barley scraping past. She will not amount to what she should’ve been. The weight of your loss pins her to her childhood bedroom. She will not see the world. Your family will never be what it was and the guilt of that keeps you here.’

So I have a friend who age regresses and she has a tricky background and when she is little she will often call me “mummy” I’m okay with her calling me that because I know she trusts me and I’m her safe person but sometimes I feel like it goes to far a bit.

She often tells me that she needs “smack smacks” which is a big trigger for me but I try to shove it away for her but I often find I got to say “no darling we don’t deserve that to happen” and then she gets upset very upset and will hurt herself or swear at me or yell just so she can give me a reason to punish her 🙁

It’s reached a point where she will hurt herself straight away if I don’t “punish” her for being “bad” so now I’ve had to resort into telling her to sit by the wall when she’s “bad” she is only ever happy to be there for minimum 10 mins but when she is in that age regressive state I am aware that she has no sense of time skills so I usually just say time is up after a few minutes.

When she was in hospital her nurse would often contact me whenever she would ask for punishments especially after I reported her previous nurse. Yeah my friend is in a different country but if anyone harms her like a nurse did I will report straight away which is what I did so that nurse got fired and she got a new nurse who was so much nicer but she would often ask to speak to me about my friend she never revealed anything that she shouldn’t like patient confidential stuff and I always made sure she didn’t tell me that stuff she would just ask how to support her age regression.

I guess this is the problem at hand

As much as I do act as her caregiver cos I’m her safe person it is so so so draining dealing with a little, no one understands the fear that comes with it, she has been regressed for 2 months straight and I just can’t do anything more for her.