Best Of

updateeee:)

after we done revision on the theorists we went through some past paper questions - i feel sm more confident for my exam now from one class with her wow - but i even started openly answering questions in class which i don’t even do in my own class so im super proud of me right now ahh!!

Nothing is okay anymore and I’m just feeling so confused and lost and I hate feeling like this, it’s like there’s an earthquake in my head and around me all the time

Been back in contact with my real mum and brothers for a few weeks now and it was going well but now they’ve all distanced themselves and are barely talking to me and I hate it 💔 am I really such a crap daughter. My whole life I’ve only every wanted to be loved and I thought I was getting that but now it’s fallen apart, no one loves me which why would they, I’m a useless and worthless freak that will not get anywhere in life, part of me wishes I wasn’t here, like would anyone even care. I’m a complete and utter neuisance 😭

I’m holding everything in trying to not bother anyone and to just get a grip like I’m expected to do, things changed, drastically and nothing feels right anymore. I feel lost in a painful and confusing world trying to navigate everything like I’m a silly toddler again 💔 Looking after myself is getting harder and harder, it’s so gross but I’ve barely showered, brushed my hair, brushed my teeth and changed into clean clothes in days, I can’t cope but somehow I’m getting through each day

My age regression has gotten so bad and so out of control, recently 2 nights in a row I’ve badly regressed and lost my memory which is my worst part of age regressing and it only happens when things are really not okay and my body does that to flee the threat but idk what that threat is or anything. I can’t control it, I had the hang of it, I new the signs to look out for, I knew what to do to calm down but now I have no idea whatsoever 😭 I feel so stupid, I feel pathetic. I’m done trying 💔 can’t I just hide forever so this pain can eventually leave

I’ve been poorly since Thursday night too and today I found out I have Covid which is just fucking great, I hate being unwell as it is, I just cry and cry endlessly when I’m poorly. I keep coughing so I’ve hurt my head I have a sore throat. My ears keep popping when I’m blowing my nose cos I’m delicate

Why does life have to be like this, why can’t things of gotten better, I wish this pain would end so I didn’t have to deal with this anymore 💔 I just want someone to hug me, for no one to tell me that it’s all gonna be okay because that’s all lies, it’s never gonna be okay, not for a long time. Not least till Christmas is over. God I fucking hate Christmas

I hate Christmas, i despise the actual day, im all for Christmas movies curled up in bed ALONE but fuck I hate the actual day, it’s the most patronising day for me, I pretend to fit in with people that have never loved me, pretend to enjoy the day and like one big happy god damn family, it makes me want to throw up the amount of days from 25th December to 2nd January that I have to smile and like I don’t want to scream.

Christmas reminds me of the amount of friends and people I’ve lost to suicide these past long and painful years who won’t be in 2025 with me and this year being 10x worse with all the friends I lost this year. Dad or my half brother won’t even be around and yeah I barely knew them but still it still hits hard

💔💔

idk if many know but my mum passed away in september from her liver failure/transplant and her other health issues. i feel so ashamed of myself bc i said to her i would not touch alcohol especially bc she passed from it. but last night i drank alcohol and was threatened with being arrested if i didjt go hospital with police so i did. but i woke up today and i feel so guilty and ashamed with myself bc i did the exact thing that killed my mum and i feel so so angry with myself bc I have failed so badly. im sat here sobbing bc i want my mum back but that ive started going down the path she did. im so emotional rn i wish i had ppl to talk to but im alone 💔. i feel so like she is so mad at me for doing it. i cant do this💔😭.

Travelling tomorrow to go for a funeral on Monday. Packing and stuff today and even though I didn't really know the person, just getting ready for the funeral is making me feel so shitty. It's reminding me again how it was when I was preparing for my stepmoms funeral over 2 years ago. I feel so shitty tho because I don't want to go to the funeral and it makes me feel like a terrible person

I've got to spend 2 nights with no privacy at all though too as I'm sharing a family room in a travel lodge with my 2 older sisters and dad and I like my space but I'm not gonna get that. I'm gonna get no sleep either because my dad snores

TW// mentions of self harm

I am safe

So last night I had a very bad night and ended up relapsing and then crying till 4am and then I had disturbed sleep when I did manage too.

This morning I managed to pretend I was okay and act like nothing was wrong but then at lunch time I completely fell apart, I cried in the bathrooms for most of lunch and then it was time for class in witch I didn’t make it into the room. My teacher new I wasn’t okay so asked me to stay outside whilst she got the class settled

This teacher has been continuously lovely with me and been trying to get me support from the student mentor who has been busy (this has been going on since before half term) so because I told su that I’d self harmed she put in an urgent call for me to speak to Emma the safeguarding lead and so after a bit she came up to see me and spoke to me, she said she wanted the first aider to have a look at my injury to check it was okay in which I let them so Emma, Janis and this other teacher took me into an office and were all so lovely and chatted to me whilst Janis sorted out my sh. Emma then assessed my safety and deemed me safe enough for her to not have to let anyone outside of college know which I’m so glad about.

Emma and Janis and this other lady have all said that if I ever need to chat or if I need Janis to check anything over for me then I’m welcome to find them but they have all said that if I talk to Janis or the other lady then they will obviously pass it onto Emma because she’s safeguard lead. Emma has also given me her email, support links and her work number in case I need anything

So overall they’ve been so so so nice with me and have said multiple times that they are there for me whenever I need.

Before I get into this topic, I’ve tried deleting my account, but considering I’ve got a lot of replies I need to respond to, I thought I’d might as well get back on the app. So if anyone has responded to any of my posts without a reply, I promise I will respond. Sorry for the delay.

Edit: I won't be able to respond to replies in deleted posts. Sorry

I’m a white person with an all-white family. One thing that makes me want to cut off my family is the casual racism. There would be moments where I actually enjoy being with my family and would be grateful to have them until they randomly decide to be racist. Examples includes:

•doing stereotypical accents of Asian / black people. The worst example was when my family was visiting my older brother who happened to have Asian neighbours. My dad would make a stereotypical Asian accent outside the neighbours house.

•my dad has said the n word numerous times in public, usually when mocking black people.

•when I was going to the gym with my brother, he got into a road rage and used “Jew” as an insult

•during our trip to New York, my family fetishised black women about how they all have “big butts”

•during COVID, my dad was ranting about an annoying client/coworker (who was Asian) and said “why don’t go eat rice?” And “I hate Chinese people in the work place”

•literally yesterday when visiting my Nan, she went on a rant about how Muslims are “invading” the UK, (this is said after discussing trumps elections, where she mentions an interview of a black lesbian couple expressing their worries of having their rights taken away, in which she mocks them and respond with “you’ll just keep living life the way you do.”, which I find ironic)

There has been times in the past where I’ve called my family out on it, but they don’t give a shit. They never listen and just say I’m being sensitive.

I would like to cut my family out my life, but I haven’t got enough to own a house or car yet. (Maybe in the next two years, I could)

But while I’m stuck with them, I feel very ashamed. They never listen to me, so I don’t know what to do.

I fear that I will end up like them, since this behaviour seems so normalised.

It's my brother's party on the 14th as one birthday is 13th and the other the 15th. It seems like we are going to a soft play place and I'm anxious about it being too loud and too many people. I usually use my bible but it means too much to me to take as it could get lost or damaged with kids drinks and stuff. Any suggestions on how to cope but still at least look like I'm paying attention to my brother's and family