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Best Of
Re: Anybody want to vent or chat about anything? (Triggering stuff edition) w/c 15.09.25
I feel like crap and what to cry and scream and everything but can’t.
I have a sense of impending doom and anxiety and panic are sky high right now.
The only release for all this that I can see if to hurt myself but if I do that I don’t know if I’ll stop.
I’m a failure and a burden
Why am I here
Why am I going through another year of life if nothing ever changes or gets easier.
Sorry to be a burden to everyone needed to get this out before I do anything
I have a sense of impending doom and anxiety and panic are sky high right now.
The only release for all this that I can see if to hurt myself but if I do that I don’t know if I’ll stop.
I’m a failure and a burden
Why am I here
Why am I going through another year of life if nothing ever changes or gets easier.
Sorry to be a burden to everyone needed to get this out before I do anything
Being overly sensitive as an autistic women is embarrassing
Like what do you mean I’m holding back tears because a coworker got mad at me and now I think they hate me and that I’m a failure in life?!?!
And what do you mean I couldn’t hold back my tears because someone asked me if I was okay?!?!
🙃🙃🙃🙃
And what do you mean I couldn’t hold back my tears because someone asked me if I was okay?!?!
🙃🙃🙃🙃
Re: Anybody want to vent or chat about anything? w/c 08.09.25
@DonnerKebab I was really tired last night so I didnt get a chance to talk abt it. I feel invisible like people just dont notice my existence like I dont matter and I just kinda feel like a ghost basically drifting through life like Im either emotionally numb and cant feel anything or im feeling everything all at once. I hate feeling like no one ever notices me like im disposable or forgettable. Also Im pretty pissed at my friend and I was upset abt it and texted my bestie to tell her and she was like oh im so sorry that happened cba to explain what happend so ill just copy paste the text I sent her bc im lazy lol.
Basically she texted me saying we need to talk and when we were at the school gate she said I was too negative and that I was venting too much and if I really need someone to talk to that bad that I should talk to a therapist (i was telling her abt her friend and I was just whining abt one of the teachers its not like i was telling her all my trauma) and she also said are personalities aren't rly a good match cus I care abt school and she said she doesn't she's annoyed bc I dont mess around with her during study periods I actually study and idk it was just rly hurtful but im glad she told me tho. Sry if some of it doesn't make sense I had to change for anonymity purposes. I rly dont wanna go to school today I just wanna stay at home and sleep and curl up and cry and eat snacks but that unfortunately isn't an option bc I have to be a functioning human being yay. Im gonna fcking kms. But yeah im fine totally dont wanna punch a punching until my knuckles bleed (surprisingly cathartic). Im fine ive delt with worse and I know i have to be stubborn and get thru this bc I cant stop to rest but its fine. Can't wait until A levels are over so I can get out of this hell hole. So now during breaks lunches and study periods im alone and idk that might be a good thing and everyone keeps telling me it's an opportunity to focus on my work but what do I do when I need support who do I go to? My non existent friends? My bestie that cant rly do anything bc we rarely can see eachother? My teachers who dont understand? The pastoral staff who are alright but incompetent are kinda terrifying? Like what do I do? Everyone's like oh your not alone there are people you can talk to but there aren't. The country is in a mental health crisis mental health websites and companies are so overloaded and im just another weight and a another burden to the system. Sometimes i feel like just a number to them just another patient to talk to and get over with. I was asked if I wanted to do counselling and realised it was my old counsellor she was awful I hated it literally begged the school to let me stop it (bc it was in school counselling) but they kept forcing me to go into eventually wore them down and they let me stop the sessions which was fucking traumatic (idk if im allowed to say that was traumatising sorry if im not). I also keep getting told to stop constantly apologising cus it makes me seem weak. I cant help it tho like im the kind of person who flinches if anyone raises their voice so if I feel like someone's mad at me I get really really scared and keep apologising in the hope that maybe they'll get less mad and I genuinely cant explain the panic and fear I experience when I think someone's mad at me especially if im already overwhelmed. But im fine everything all perfect and amazing (im being sarcastic if you cant tell). Anway sorry fir the huge rant im just rapidly losing the fucking will to live.
Basically she texted me saying we need to talk and when we were at the school gate she said I was too negative and that I was venting too much and if I really need someone to talk to that bad that I should talk to a therapist (i was telling her abt her friend and I was just whining abt one of the teachers its not like i was telling her all my trauma) and she also said are personalities aren't rly a good match cus I care abt school and she said she doesn't she's annoyed bc I dont mess around with her during study periods I actually study and idk it was just rly hurtful but im glad she told me tho. Sry if some of it doesn't make sense I had to change for anonymity purposes. I rly dont wanna go to school today I just wanna stay at home and sleep and curl up and cry and eat snacks but that unfortunately isn't an option bc I have to be a functioning human being yay. Im gonna fcking kms. But yeah im fine totally dont wanna punch a punching until my knuckles bleed (surprisingly cathartic). Im fine ive delt with worse and I know i have to be stubborn and get thru this bc I cant stop to rest but its fine. Can't wait until A levels are over so I can get out of this hell hole. So now during breaks lunches and study periods im alone and idk that might be a good thing and everyone keeps telling me it's an opportunity to focus on my work but what do I do when I need support who do I go to? My non existent friends? My bestie that cant rly do anything bc we rarely can see eachother? My teachers who dont understand? The pastoral staff who are alright but incompetent are kinda terrifying? Like what do I do? Everyone's like oh your not alone there are people you can talk to but there aren't. The country is in a mental health crisis mental health websites and companies are so overloaded and im just another weight and a another burden to the system. Sometimes i feel like just a number to them just another patient to talk to and get over with. I was asked if I wanted to do counselling and realised it was my old counsellor she was awful I hated it literally begged the school to let me stop it (bc it was in school counselling) but they kept forcing me to go into eventually wore them down and they let me stop the sessions which was fucking traumatic (idk if im allowed to say that was traumatising sorry if im not). I also keep getting told to stop constantly apologising cus it makes me seem weak. I cant help it tho like im the kind of person who flinches if anyone raises their voice so if I feel like someone's mad at me I get really really scared and keep apologising in the hope that maybe they'll get less mad and I genuinely cant explain the panic and fear I experience when I think someone's mad at me especially if im already overwhelmed. But im fine everything all perfect and amazing (im being sarcastic if you cant tell). Anway sorry fir the huge rant im just rapidly losing the fucking will to live.
Re: Dating a much smaller man
Thanks I appreciate that. Yes I do have issues with insecurity. It is a lot to do with being overweight im ngl. I don't like my body a lot of the time, but if I'm around people taller or bigger than me then I feel better.
MaxB
1
Re: Dont like single life
Hi @Redemption, thank you for sharing this with us here. I can hear how you're unhappy with being single, and that you've mentioned some insecurities around whether you're good and tall enough. You've mentioned that you've tried dating apps, but that the competition is scary and that the "intended" approach isn't what you prefer.
Your feelings are valid, and dating can certainly be challenging. Looking for someone who likes you for who you are is reasonable, and looking for a supportive, non-judgemental partner seems reasonable too. You mention that you don't feel good enough for people, what makes you say this?
I'd imagine there are many that feel the way you do too. Dating isn't easy, and dating apps have their challenges. There are other ways that might feel more natural, such as in-person speed dating events, or being introduced to new people via friends. How would you feel about those kind of ideas? We're here to listen to you.
Your feelings are valid, and dating can certainly be challenging. Looking for someone who likes you for who you are is reasonable, and looking for a supportive, non-judgemental partner seems reasonable too. You mention that you don't feel good enough for people, what makes you say this?
I'd imagine there are many that feel the way you do too. Dating isn't easy, and dating apps have their challenges. There are other ways that might feel more natural, such as in-person speed dating events, or being introduced to new people via friends. How would you feel about those kind of ideas? We're here to listen to you.
Azziman
1
Re: Anybody want to vent or chat about anything? (Triggering stuff edition) w/c 15.09.25
DonnerKebab wrote: »im been put on the surgery list. im so scared. bc my mum had surgery and never woke up.sounds rly stupid im sry.
@eylah nothing you say is stupid. I'm sorry but i need to make that bit clear, and every single person here would agree with me on that. You're worries and fears are completely valid, and you have nothing to be sorry about. There isn't much i can say that can ease that fear, but i just want you to know that we're all with you, you aren't alone, and none of what you feel is stupid. You were so incredibly brave waiting for the surgery before. You can do this eylah, we're all incredibly proud of you.
thankyou so much. i just had a full on cry and i feel better. i let everything out.
eylah
1
Re: Anybody want to vent or chat about anything? (Triggering stuff edition) w/c 15.09.25
DonnerKebab wrote: »DonnerKebab wrote: »@eylah sometimes there isn't any reason, and it can be so painful and crushing. But there's a saying that i once heard, that might be comforting potentially. It's that god sometimes takes his brightest angels first. And if your mum was anything like you, god certainly picked one of the best. She's an angel now, looking down over you, and is proud of the person you are.
btw, love the profile pic
aww. this was so beautifully put. thankyou so so much @DonnerKebab
@eylah i think that when that bird sat with you a week back and looked over you, that was definitely your mum as an angel, letting you know that she's still there, looking out for you, and honestly, what mum wouldn't be proud of you? You've still got that same kind heart you've always had despite all of the pain you've been through, which is something that is so incredibly rare, and that is 100% what angels are made off.
i agree. i rly think that bird was my mum. makes me sad thinking abt it bc she’s not here anymore but i had a ladybug today stay on me when i was waiting for ppl to come to my house so i think it’s definitely my mum.hru nathan? im here for you.
@eylah thanks eylah. I ended up having to go to a safe haven yesterday, but when i got there after walking 3 miles in the rain, they wanted all my personal information to open up a referal for me and to see me. So, i spent a few minutes thinking, and decided to apologise for wasting there time, and set off back home. It was a shitty experience. But i got some really good advice from a really good friend, who talked me into going to Kelly's heroes. And things have been a little better now. Can't thank her enough.
And yeah eylah, it'll always be small things like that. Just so you know she's there watching over you, and your never alone.
Re: Anybody want to vent or chat about anything? (Triggering stuff edition) w/c 15.09.25
im been put on the surgery list. im so scared. bc my mum had surgery and never woke up. sounds rly stupid im sry.
sounds rly stupid im sry.eylah
1
(Mild suicidal thoughts but no plan) I wish there was a cure for my autism
I don’t care if it’s ableist to say it, I can’t fucking survive in the real world with it. It prevents me from having a fulfilling life. It makes me a laughing stock in the real world, being hypersensitive and not being able to prevent myself from crying, no matter what I do. Me crying gives those who want to hurt me what they want. And I’m unable to form close relationships (both platonic and romantic) and I’m gonna die alone.
The only way to cure all of this is by killing myself
The only way to cure all of this is by killing myself
Re: the little things you do matter. 🩵
Redemption wrote: »
thankyou. im being put on the list for surgery. went to see the surgeon today and im just anxious.
eylah
1