Best Of
Re: The 'I need a hug' thread - please read first post before posting :)
I just wanna die but thanks
(TW) My memories are messed up and I can't remember some of the details.
TW: cocsa, molestation,
I don't know how to feel about this and i'm confused as ever today, so I need help if you want to answer this. I wish I can share my story, but I'm already tired of it and I'm afraid it will make you annoyed. I'm so sorry if this really confusing.
I don't know how to feel about this and i'm confused as ever today, so I need help if you want to answer this. I wish I can share my story, but I'm already tired of it and I'm afraid it will make you annoyed. I'm so sorry if this really confusing.
In the beginning after I wrote my story for the first time in another forum. I tried to remember what my brother 'actually' did to me at the first time but I can't?
Then why did I run away from him and finding my mom and said that he 'sexy' me? This is what I remembered that day when I was about 6/7 years old. I also flinched away, kicked and hit him and my dad with things defensively while they touched me playfully because I thought that they sexualized me since I was a kid.
Around 8-10 I remembered that my brother was dry-humping me on top of me while we were on the bed once. Even we had our clothes on, I still remembered his small pants with each thrusts. He stroked my waist while I was froze at that moment, I told him to stop because it tickles and I felt very uncomfortable about it, but he didn't.
Around 11-12, he kept asking me until I say yes to watch porn movie that my parents bought, so I decided to with him once until the movie ends, it was comfortable, we didn't play that game anymore after that.
Another one is that, I almost asked him to play that 'game' because I was confused. That moment was highly uncomfortable when I asked him to play but deep down, I just want to experience what he did to me on the bed over again.
I do have intrusive violent sexual thoughts when any men or guy near me or around me, my part down there is always pulsing when those thoughts came in in school years. For now, it's not so much as before.
Though until now. I think he didn't mentioned that much anymore, but sometimes he says I'm 'cute' or 'pretty'. Sometimes he wants to squish my cheeks. But what I'm bothered the most is that he sometimes put his hands on my neck playfully like he wants to choke me. Though I still get away from him everytime he did that, I'm uncomfortable with it, even he's just being playful as my parents said to me.
Then why did I run away from him and finding my mom and said that he 'sexy' me? This is what I remembered that day when I was about 6/7 years old. I also flinched away, kicked and hit him and my dad with things defensively while they touched me playfully because I thought that they sexualized me since I was a kid.
Around 8-10 I remembered that my brother was dry-humping me on top of me while we were on the bed once. Even we had our clothes on, I still remembered his small pants with each thrusts. He stroked my waist while I was froze at that moment, I told him to stop because it tickles and I felt very uncomfortable about it, but he didn't.
Around 11-12, he kept asking me until I say yes to watch porn movie that my parents bought, so I decided to with him once until the movie ends, it was comfortable, we didn't play that game anymore after that.
Another one is that, I almost asked him to play that 'game' because I was confused. That moment was highly uncomfortable when I asked him to play but deep down, I just want to experience what he did to me on the bed over again.
I do have intrusive violent sexual thoughts when any men or guy near me or around me, my part down there is always pulsing when those thoughts came in in school years. For now, it's not so much as before.
Though until now. I think he didn't mentioned that much anymore, but sometimes he says I'm 'cute' or 'pretty'. Sometimes he wants to squish my cheeks. But what I'm bothered the most is that he sometimes put his hands on my neck playfully like he wants to choke me. Though I still get away from him everytime he did that, I'm uncomfortable with it, even he's just being playful as my parents said to me.
I don't know why I can't remember the rest of it. Is this counted as sexual abuse? Or maybe grooming? And why did I want to experiece that feeling again that happened years ago? Is it my fault? I understand if no one really want to respond this since I ask too much.
Re: The 'I need a hug' thread - please read first post before posting :)
Hey @Shaunie we all care about you and we’ll be here for you before and after Christmas.
we’re always happy to listen. Maybe it might help to make a list of things to look forward to after Christmas. We all care about you and want to help anyway we can
we’re always happy to listen. Maybe it might help to make a list of things to look forward to after Christmas. We all care about you and want to help anyway we can
Re: The 'I need a hug' thread - please read first post before posting :)
I’M FED UP OF BEING ALIVE. omg someone help me. It feels like once Christmas is out the way so will I be
Re: Show the mods some love this Christmas
Ooh this sounds like a great idea! I'll write some stuff soon 
I could maybe even make a little kudos board of the messages so it's accessible for all mods to see!
I could maybe even make a little kudos board of the messages so it's accessible for all mods to see!
Re: Show the mods some love this Christmas
Stephanie: I know that things have sometimes really not been easy but you are super resilient and you have been working super hard not just on The Mix but also with your job. Well done. Have an amazing Christmas and thank you for always being there for everyone. From Kasa.
Grace: Thank you for always helping the young carers in young carers chat. You are very determined and inspirational. Merry Christmas!
Aidan: Merry Crimbo! Remember the cheese and the fun.
All mods: Thank you for helping to make The Mix a safe and supportive place for everyone especially during Christmas.
Jade: You are always there to help support young people on the boards and you are amazing. Thank you and have a great relaxing Christmas.
Grace: Thank you for always helping the young carers in young carers chat. You are very determined and inspirational. Merry Christmas!
Aidan: Merry Crimbo! Remember the cheese and the fun.
All mods: Thank you for helping to make The Mix a safe and supportive place for everyone especially during Christmas.
Jade: You are always there to help support young people on the boards and you are amazing. Thank you and have a great relaxing Christmas.
Re: Really tired (TW)
I read it, and none of it is silly. I won’t stop saying this till you know how true it is, none of your struggles are silly and it’s ok to struggle even if you have a ‘good’ life. I kind of get where you’re coming from there, I sometimes think “why should I be struggling when I have supportive family, a wonderful partner, etc” but honestly it’s not about the good things that you have, sometimes our brains just work differently and we can’t control how we feel ourselves no matter what’s going on in our environment.
Never say never, I believe that you will do great things and ‘great’ doesn’t have to mean being married or getting a super successful job. You do great things every single day here, you’re one of the kindest most supportive people I know and I know a lot of people.
I hope you’ve managed to get some sleep and you’re not up as late as I am
here anytime, keep talking, you’re doing really well.
Never say never, I believe that you will do great things and ‘great’ doesn’t have to mean being married or getting a super successful job. You do great things every single day here, you’re one of the kindest most supportive people I know and I know a lot of people.
I hope you’ve managed to get some sleep and you’re not up as late as I am
here anytime, keep talking, you’re doing really well.
Re: Struggling to cope (tw)
@SpaceOtter ah, thanks so much you guys. Your replies really mean a lot.
I’ve decided to leave the letter for now. (I’ll change my mind again in about 5 minutes lol)
Mam asked me how i was doing this morning and I said I’m fine. Tbf, I think I am. I thought about my dad dying a lot (that probably sounds really mean but he did put himself at risk) and I thought I’d have more like emotions than this? I thought I’d be crying and stuff but I’ve only cried for about 10 minutes... if that...
I’ve decided to leave the letter for now. (I’ll change my mind again in about 5 minutes lol)
Mam asked me how i was doing this morning and I said I’m fine. Tbf, I think I am. I thought about my dad dying a lot (that probably sounds really mean but he did put himself at risk) and I thought I’d have more like emotions than this? I thought I’d be crying and stuff but I’ve only cried for about 10 minutes... if that...
Mam said it might be because of the sertraline that I’m still coming off. She said that numbs feelings and she’s probably right, she usually is. Or maybe I just didn’t care for him as much as I thought I did.
Gonna try have a more productive day. I spent yesterday doing nothing. I’m gonna try to draw my feelings or whatever’s in my head. I like that idea. If that fails I feel like I’ve written most of it down here anyway and that helps make more sense of it all.
Gonna try have a more productive day. I spent yesterday doing nothing. I’m gonna try to draw my feelings or whatever’s in my head. I like that idea. If that fails I feel like I’ve written most of it down here anyway and that helps make more sense of it all.
Thanks for reading you guys. I know I waffle on lol ❤️ Appreciate yous
Re: Really tired (TW)
I’m sorry to post again. I know it’s selfish but I prefer helping people it makes me feel less worthless. But recently everything in my head has been too loud, and I find myself conflicted over everything little thing I say.
I spent the whole day feeling like I was about to burst into tears and I don’t know why. It’s just this horrible feeling that never goes away. I’m sorry for taking up space but my brain feels too loud to sleep.
I’m struggling, that almost feels like an insult to everyone else . Because what have I got to struggle with. My life is very good, I must be the most ungrateful person on the planet. I get so angry at myself because of it, I scream at myself what is wrong with you, why can’t you get a grip and just be happy. But because I’m so caught up in my own guilt I feel even worse. It’s a silly vicious cycle.
It’s confusing. My brain feels both loud and quiet. Everything feels muffled half the time I don’t even feel like I’m here, I almost feel like I’m stuck in a dream. Sometimes my mind just feels blank I’m so mentally tired I can’t even find the motivation to stand back up after sitting on the floor to put on my shoes. It’s really pathetic. I sat on the edge of my bed this morning for twenty minutes telling myself to stand up. I feel really stupid. I’m the sort of miserable person you’d complain about all the time. I’m toxic.
I spent the whole day feeling like I was about to burst into tears and I don’t know why. It’s just this horrible feeling that never goes away. I’m sorry for taking up space but my brain feels too loud to sleep.
I’m struggling, that almost feels like an insult to everyone else . Because what have I got to struggle with. My life is very good, I must be the most ungrateful person on the planet. I get so angry at myself because of it, I scream at myself what is wrong with you, why can’t you get a grip and just be happy. But because I’m so caught up in my own guilt I feel even worse. It’s a silly vicious cycle.
It’s confusing. My brain feels both loud and quiet. Everything feels muffled half the time I don’t even feel like I’m here, I almost feel like I’m stuck in a dream. Sometimes my mind just feels blank I’m so mentally tired I can’t even find the motivation to stand back up after sitting on the floor to put on my shoes. It’s really pathetic. I sat on the edge of my bed this morning for twenty minutes telling myself to stand up. I feel really stupid. I’m the sort of miserable person you’d complain about all the time. I’m toxic.
But yet other times I sit still and my mind is racing, did I say the wrong thing? Am I in the way? Are they secretly laughing? How long until they tell me they hate me? This is silly and irrational but every time I see a notification on this site I hold my breath and hope it’s not a message telling me I’m not wanted anymore.
I’m never going to do great things, I’ll never get married or have a successful job. That’s ok, I just want to make people happy even if it’s just for one second. I just don’t want my impact in life to be negative. I’m quite a needy person that’s my worst quality. I wish I didn’t need people as much as i do. Because then I could spend life on my own and not worry about hurting people.
Sorry for the rant, I don’t expect anyone to have read it, it’s just simply to make my brain quiet so maybe I can sleep.
Good night and take care
Sorry for the rant, I don’t expect anyone to have read it, it’s just simply to make my brain quiet so maybe I can sleep.
Good night and take care