I don't know how to feel about this and i'm confused as ever today, so I need help if you want to answer this. I wish I can share my story, but I'm already tired of it and I'm afraid it will make you annoyed. I'm so sorry if this really confusing.
Then why did I run away from him and finding my mom and said that he 'sexy' me? This is what I remembered that day when I was about 6/7 years old. I also flinched away, kicked and hit him and my dad with things defensively while they touched me playfully because I thought that they sexualized me since I was a kid.
Around 8-10 I remembered that my brother was dry-humping me on top of me while we were on the bed once. Even we had our clothes on, I still remembered his small pants with each thrusts. He stroked my waist while I was froze at that moment, I told him to stop because it tickles and I felt very uncomfortable about it, but he didn't.
Around 11-12, he kept asking me until I say yes to watch porn movie that my parents bought, so I decided to with him once until the movie ends, it was comfortable, we didn't play that game anymore after that.
Another one is that, I almost asked him to play that 'game' because I was confused. That moment was highly uncomfortable when I asked him to play but deep down, I just want to experience what he did to me on the bed over again.
I do have intrusive violent sexual thoughts when any men or guy near me or around me, my part down there is always pulsing when those thoughts came in in school years. For now, it's not so much as before.
Though until now. I think he didn't mentioned that much anymore, but sometimes he says I'm 'cute' or 'pretty'. Sometimes he wants to squish my cheeks. But what I'm bothered the most is that he sometimes put his hands on my neck playfully like he wants to choke me. Though I still get away from him everytime he did that, I'm uncomfortable with it, even he's just being playful as my parents said to me.
I don't know why I can't remember the rest of it. Is this counted as sexual abuse? Or maybe grooming? And why did I want to experiece that feeling again that happened years ago? Is it my fault? I understand if no one really want to respond this since I ask too much.