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Just try to take things slowly
This is different. I can beg my mum to get help or to throw things away, but she just shuts it down. If she’s not willing / able to get help and help herself, then there’s no hope. No matter what I do. I don’t have control over it and I feel so defeated. I want to fight it. I want my mum to just let me help her. I want her to care. She says she does but I don’t think she cares enough. I’m gonna have to just cut her off forever one day. I don’t want to, but that’s the only way to escape this for good. The only way to take control.
This is so confusing. I long for like an older sibling or just someone who knows what this is like, and can make sense of it for me.
I’m stuck in a hoarder home with no money and no escape. And nobody’s ever gonna care because I’m an ‘adult’. Yeah I’ll go to uni but what about after? I don’t want this for my life. But I have no fucking choice.
Anyway sorry if that wasn’t much help
No way your mum sleeps on the sofa as well - sounds like self neglect to be honest especially with your mum not showering.
What you said about your dad resonates so much with me. I don’t understand why my dad hasn’t just left, and how he puts up with it.
My mum is like aware that she has a problem but not fully? She sees it as a family problem to some extent, and I get what you mean about the defensiveness. I read somewhere that a hoarder’s possessions are like an extension of themselves, so insult the stuff and they feel attacked. It’s so incredibly frustrating to deal with.
Just wanted to add I think your mum’s starting point would be to get professional help with the ocd, if she’ll ever admit that she needs it.
Sending big hugs, thank you so much for sharing your experiences
I've finally had time to give this a proper read, I've been meaning to for a while.
I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through and how you're feeling. Hoarding isn't something I understand much about like many others. It may be an unhelpful comparison and if it is, feel free to ignore, but it's a bit like any other addiction. If someone is addicted to gambling for example, or alcohol, or drugs, they might never acknowledge they have an addiction. And like you say, insulting the addiction, to them, is like you're insulting them as a person.
Unfortunately the person (in this case your mum) has to want to get help. It may be that going to uni gives you a bit of headspace and time to think over what you want to do with regards to telling someone else. If she were to get help, it wouldn't just benefit her, it'd benefit the whole family - especially your sister who is still at a vulnerable age.
In the meantime take your own room one small step at a time. Your mum's stuff is another issue, but your own stuff you could definitely spend a bit of time organising. I'm sure you're doing that already though, so well done!
Keep posting here, even if you only have one avenue for support from anonymous strangers it's better than nothing, it allows you to get those thoughts out and writing them in that text box can also give you space to think over what you're feeling
Take care, you know where I am if you need a chat
She really doesn’t care
I imagine it must be so hard to believe that your mum cares. Try to remind yourself that hoarding is a mental health disorder and no one would choose to be this way. It isn't that she doesn't care about you. You do an amazing job of being who you are and you couldn't do anymore for your mum and the house! She is really lucky to have you.
Protect your heart and try not to place too much responsibility for your mum onto yourself. You are your main priority. Spend time out the house doing things you love even if its going for a walk and listening to music. Really look after yourself. You deserve it.
Stay strong and I believe in you.
“DON’T START THIS AGAIN.”
While I’m fighting the urge not to just walk straight out the house forever. I want to live my own life, but this feels like too much to get through. I can’t do this anymore and nobody even believes me.
I don't know if maybe talking would help, I have a feeling this may be easier said than done. But even maybe asking why she hoards may be a starting point. Theres always a reason behind the hoarding I feel. I know that you are going to university soon so you definitely have that to look forward to in a way. The main thing is that you identified how the hoarding makes you feel and acknowledging those emotions too. As everyone in here mentioned even having a space to put the items in even so its there but in a specific room. You could even potential try the method of the items that hold the most important feelings or are significant and the items that don't bring joy, donate possibly?. I know that your situation is harder at the moment. But I wanted to say you are more than welcome to use this space to talk about your feelings and emotions. I am always here too if you ever need someone
Sending hugs,
Amy22
It means a lot to have the support of you guys on here
I don’t think my mum really wants to talk about it right now, she keeps telling me I’m making things worse so maybe I’ll just give her some time and see if she actually does anything towards getting rid of stuff. It’s just difficult to distract myself from it when I’m stuck in the house all the time, constantly dodging all the bags of random stuff. I think I need to focus on what I can control in my life, and hopefully that’ll help me because I’m definitely struggling a lot with the lack of control here.
It’s so much harder than it sounds though! My mum has always been a hoarder and it wasn’t that big of a deal, but it’s just got too much for me now.
Honestly I am here for you anytime. I think maybe letting your mum have some space for a bit may help her a bit. I think it should be done when both people feel ready and comfortable to talk to each other. I think for most people struggling they don't mean to be defensive at all but it's that they feel they don't need the help. Sometimes it can be good to have space and time sometimes before having a difficult conversation. I agree with what you mentioned about focusing on the things that you can control in your life right now as some things you may not be able to control but focusing on what we can control right now can help. It sounds like you are struggling with control and the things that are uncontrollable in your life right now. It also sounds like you have been dealing with the hoarding situation for a long time too.
At the end of the day, if your mum isn't receptive to even discussing, and has control of the situation, then there's not much that can be done. And that's frustrating, because to you (and most people!), it's clear that the current situation isn't good for you or your family. At the same time, I can imagine that it must have been scary as a child to have the threat of being taken away from your parents if you spoke out.
As others have said, I imagine that being able to go to university will give you some physical and mental space, and perhaps you to live in a more "normal" living situation where you have control of your space. University can give people some perspective, both academically and in life. That being said, you should be able to get support now. Perhaps you could speak to your GP about counselling services that might be available for you?
At the same time, please feel free to express your situation as you have here - some people find writing out their experiences helpful. You've been brave through this whole process, and we're here to support you every step of the way
Hi,
I've read through a lot of what is going on for you right now, and it sounds tough. Sending hugs your way
Would there be any specific person you'd want to tell? Like a friend, or someone from the outside.
Thank you for reading and replying