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Having a parent who hoards

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  • lunarcat522lunarcat522 Moderator Posts: 608 Incredible Poster
    @AnonymousToe I get that, I'm not a fan of leaving the house either unless it's a responsibility like travelling to college or volunteering

    Just try to take things slowly <3
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    I can hardly even eat, it’s surprisingly difficult sat on the floor
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    I want it to get better
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    The difficulty is that I’ve struggled with hopelessness anyway, and I’ve been so afraid that my life will be controlled by anxiety forever. But at least in that case I could fight for it to improve, you know? I could keep trying to get help, trying to help myself, making the small steps, etc.

    This is different. I can beg my mum to get help or to throw things away, but she just shuts it down. If she’s not willing / able to get help and help herself, then there’s no hope. No matter what I do. I don’t have control over it and I feel so defeated. I want to fight it. I want my mum to just let me help her. I want her to care. She says she does but I don’t think she cares enough. I’m gonna have to just cut her off forever one day. I don’t want to, but that’s the only way to escape this for good. The only way to take control.

    This is so confusing. I long for like an older sibling or just someone who knows what this is like, and can make sense of it for me.

    I’m stuck in a hoarder home with no money and no escape. And nobody’s ever gonna care because I’m an ‘adult’. Yeah I’ll go to uni but what about after? I don’t want this for my life. But I have no fucking choice.
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    No way!!! I can’t believe someone gets it! @Siena I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had to deal with all that. Things break in our house and we can’t get them fixed, but the house isn’t literally falling apart! I’m so sorry you had to live like that.
    No way your mum sleeps on the sofa as well - sounds like self neglect to be honest especially with your mum not showering.
    What you said about your dad resonates so much with me. I don’t understand why my dad hasn’t just left, and how he puts up with it.
    My mum is like aware that she has a problem but not fully? She sees it as a family problem to some extent, and I get what you mean about the defensiveness. I read somewhere that a hoarder’s possessions are like an extension of themselves, so insult the stuff and they feel attacked. It’s so incredibly frustrating to deal with.
    Just wanted to add I think your mum’s starting point would be to get professional help with the ocd, if she’ll ever admit that she needs it.
    Sending big hugs, thank you so much for sharing your experiences <3
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    edited February 1
    She doesn’t care. I could downplay the whole thing and turn to my teacher for support, but I can’t even do that because she’s ill :bawling:
  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 9,016 Supreme Poster
    Hiya Toe,

    I've finally had time to give this a proper read, I've been meaning to for a while.

    I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through and how you're feeling. Hoarding isn't something I understand much about like many others. It may be an unhelpful comparison and if it is, feel free to ignore, but it's a bit like any other addiction. If someone is addicted to gambling for example, or alcohol, or drugs, they might never acknowledge they have an addiction. And like you say, insulting the addiction, to them, is like you're insulting them as a person.

    Unfortunately the person (in this case your mum) has to want to get help. It may be that going to uni gives you a bit of headspace and time to think over what you want to do with regards to telling someone else. If she were to get help, it wouldn't just benefit her, it'd benefit the whole family - especially your sister who is still at a vulnerable age.

    In the meantime take your own room one small step at a time. Your mum's stuff is another issue, but your own stuff you could definitely spend a bit of time organising. I'm sure you're doing that already though, so well done!

    Keep posting here, even if you only have one avenue for support from anonymous strangers it's better than nothing, it allows you to get those thoughts out and writing them in that text box can also give you space to think over what you're feeling

    Take care, you know where I am if you need a chat <3
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    My mum was supposed to get stuff ready to go to charity but she couldn’t be bothered :/
    She really doesn’t care
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    I really can’t take much more of this. I feel so alone :bawling:
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    She doesn’t care. I’ve told her she’s driving me away, I’ve told her I’m gonna have to cut her off one day if nothing changes. I’m literally begging her to get help but all she can do is tell me to shut up (not in those exact words). This is so hopeless, what’s the point doing anything? She’s just here to ruin it. I wish I could escape. I’d run away if it was actually possible.
  • amy02amy02 Moderator Posts: 339 The Mix Regular
    Hey @AnonymousToe I can really hear how stressful this is for you at the moment and am so sorry that you have to go through it <3 How has today been for you?
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    Thanks @amy02 i haven’t spent much time out of my room today, so that helps, I just feel really hopeless and alone
  • ameliaJayneameliaJayne Deactivated Posts: 94 Budding Regular
    @AnonymousToe I've just read through your posts. I'm really sorry about your situation it sounds so difficult. It sounds like you are coping really well under these conditions.

    I imagine it must be so hard to believe that your mum cares. Try to remind yourself that hoarding is a mental health disorder and no one would choose to be this way. It isn't that she doesn't care about you. You do an amazing job of being who you are and you couldn't do anymore for your mum and the house! She is really lucky to have you.

    Protect your heart and try not to place too much responsibility for your mum onto yourself. You are your main priority. Spend time out the house doing things you love even if its going for a walk and listening to music. Really look after yourself. You deserve it.

    Stay strong and I believe in you. <3
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    Thank you so much @ameliaJayne it means a lot :)
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    Just watched a video of a hoarder house being cleaned on YouTube. I don’t know why I did it, they make it look so easy!! If only my mum would like actually try. We’ve got stuff waiting to go to charity, and it’s making our house potentially dangerous, but still she won’t sort it to go. Whyyy???? She couldn’t care less about any of us :bawling:
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    I can’t even talk to my mum about it because she sees it as me being horrible
  • LozLoz Community Champion Posts: 126 The Mix Convert
    Sending hugs @AnonymousToe <3
    "My darkside won today" - DArkSide by BMTH
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    Just gonna have to give up soon. I dont know what that entails but this is destroying me
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    Asked her why she doesn’t care.
    “DON’T START THIS AGAIN.”
    While I’m fighting the urge not to just walk straight out the house forever. I want to live my own life, but this feels like too much to get through. I can’t do this anymore and nobody even believes me.
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    She hates me
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,800 The Mix Elder
    @AnonymousToe I just read through all of your posts on here and it definitely does sound like a very hard, challenging complex situation that you have been put in. I bet it must feel frustrating and hard at times because deep down you only want the best for your mother especially with the hoarding and feeling like it may become unsafe. Im not an expert on this topic but normally a hoarder normally hoards items or certain things because of a specific reason i.e materialistic attachment or even a sense of comfort. Sometimes people hoard because they may be feeling low and end up buying things to try and fill the void in a way. However, as you said you only want the best for her and that you have tried cleaning your room only to have her panicking. I can imagine how difficult that must be. It sounds like she is struggling with something and hoarding may be a coping mechanism. I'm sure deep down she does like you but maybe struggles to show it right now. Most often people who hoard won't always admit they are a hoarder or need help even though asking for help can be the step forward. At the end of the day, you can only try your best and don't put too much pressure on yourself with it all because at the end of the day as well you need to look after yourself too as well as your mum and family members.

    I don't know if maybe talking would help, I have a feeling this may be easier said than done. But even maybe asking why she hoards may be a starting point. Theres always a reason behind the hoarding I feel. I know that you are going to university soon so you definitely have that to look forward to in a way. The main thing is that you identified how the hoarding makes you feel and acknowledging those emotions too. As everyone in here mentioned even having a space to put the items in even so its there but in a specific room. You could even potential try the method of the items that hold the most important feelings or are significant and the items that don't bring joy, donate possibly?. I know that your situation is harder at the moment. But I wanted to say you are more than welcome to use this space to talk about your feelings and emotions. I am always here too if you ever need someone <3.

    Sending hugs,

    Amy22 <3
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    Thank you so much for reading all that @Amy22
    It means a lot to have the support of you guys on here :blush:
    I don’t think my mum really wants to talk about it right now, she keeps telling me I’m making things worse so maybe I’ll just give her some time and see if she actually does anything towards getting rid of stuff. It’s just difficult to distract myself from it when I’m stuck in the house all the time, constantly dodging all the bags of random stuff. I think I need to focus on what I can control in my life, and hopefully that’ll help me because I’m definitely struggling a lot with the lack of control here.
    It’s so much harder than it sounds though! My mum has always been a hoarder and it wasn’t that big of a deal, but it’s just got too much for me now.
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,800 The Mix Elder
    Thank you so much for reading all that @Amy22
    It means a lot to have the support of you guys on here :blush:
    I don’t think my mum really wants to talk about it right now, she keeps telling me I’m making things worse so maybe I’ll just give her some time and see if she actually does anything towards getting rid of stuff. It’s just difficult to distract myself from it when I’m stuck in the house all the time, constantly dodging all the bags of random stuff. I think I need to focus on what I can control in my life, and hopefully that’ll help me because I’m definitely struggling a lot with the lack of control here.
    It’s so much harder than it sounds though! My mum has always been a hoarder and it wasn’t that big of a deal, but it’s just got too much for me now.

    Honestly I am here for you anytime. I think maybe letting your mum have some space for a bit may help her a bit. I think it should be done when both people feel ready and comfortable to talk to each other. I think for most people struggling they don't mean to be defensive at all but it's that they feel they don't need the help. Sometimes it can be good to have space and time sometimes before having a difficult conversation. I agree with what you mentioned about focusing on the things that you can control in your life right now as some things you may not be able to control but focusing on what we can control right now can help. It sounds like you are struggling with control and the things that are uncontrollable in your life right now. It also sounds like you have been dealing with the hoarding situation for a long time too. <3
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    I feel like nobody’s ever gonna be able to help
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    Nobody (irl) cares
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    I don’t even think my teacher wants me to tell her. I said I’m struggling with something (but not what) and she told me to look into counselling. But counsellors don’t care, they just pretend to. I want someone who knows me to know about it :bawling:
  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 2,073 Boards Champion
    Hey @AnonymousToe, just wanted to say that I can hear your frustration at the situation. It's clear that you want to do something about this, but finding it difficult to get through to your mum. Well done for taking the initiative and trying to do something to improve this.

    At the end of the day, if your mum isn't receptive to even discussing, and has control of the situation, then there's not much that can be done. And that's frustrating, because to you (and most people!), it's clear that the current situation isn't good for you or your family. At the same time, I can imagine that it must have been scary as a child to have the threat of being taken away from your parents if you spoke out.

    As others have said, I imagine that being able to go to university will give you some physical and mental space, and perhaps you to live in a more "normal" living situation where you have control of your space. University can give people some perspective, both academically and in life. That being said, you should be able to get support now. Perhaps you could speak to your GP about counselling services that might be available for you?

    At the same time, please feel free to express your situation as you have here - some people find writing out their experiences helpful. You've been brave through this whole process, and we're here to support you every step of the way <3
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  • LozLoz Community Champion Posts: 126 The Mix Convert
    I don’t even think my teacher wants me to tell her. I said I’m struggling with something (but not what) and she told me to look into counselling. But counsellors don’t care, they just pretend to. I want someone who knows me to know about it :bawling:

    Hi,

    I've read through a lot of what is going on for you right now, and it sounds tough. Sending hugs your way <3

    Would there be any specific person you'd want to tell? Like a friend, or someone from the outside.

    <3
    "My darkside won today" - DArkSide by BMTH
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    @Loz i want to tell that specific teacher. I don’t have friends irl and there’s not really anyone I can talk to.
    Thank you for reading and replying :heart:
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