Having a parent who hoards

Loz

@AnonymousToe If you feel comfortable speaking to that specific teacher, maybe you could arrange for a time to speak to her? You could drop her an email or speak to her after a lesson to see what time works for both of you.

I think it is important you have someone to talk to about it all, and that you as well get the support you need.

AnonymousToe

Thank you @Loz
It’s difficult because I’m not even at school anymore lol. I should probably just move on and leave her alone but I don’t really have a support system, and I’m not at uni yet either. I’ll work something out.

lunarcat522

@AnonymousToe That sounds really difficult, I'm sorry to hear you don't really have a support system but it's great that you're able to reach out here. You're doing really well for getting through it, so try to keep that in mind

AnonymousToe

There was stuff in the way downstairs that happened to be mine - there was nowhere to put it because of my mum’s stuff.
Anyway, my sister said, “It’s nobody’s fault but yours, [Toe].”
😭😭😭

AnonymousToe

I haven’t said anything to my mum about it for ages, and she’s done nothing
She told me I was making it worse so I left it and it’s still just the same!

AnonymousToe

She won’t let anyone talk about it ever. This is so fucking hopeless

AnonymousToe

I don’t know how to ask for help 😭😭😭 my parents will hate me forever

AnonymousToe

Wish she cared about us

AnonymousToe

And why am I the only one bothered about it?

JustV

AnonymousToe wrote: »

There was stuff in the way downstairs that happened to be mine - there was nowhere to put it because of my mum’s stuff.
Anyway, my sister said, “It’s nobody’s fault but yours, [Toe].”
😭😭😭

This is very unfair, Toe. What an enormous thing to put on you.

AnonymousToe wrote: »

I don’t know how to ask for help 😭😭😭 my parents will hate me forever

I don't know how helpful this is, but in my experience, resolving really difficult, complex, gnarly issues like this always involves vulnerability and upset. Particularly when something has been suppressed for so long and people have been avoiding it, meaning those emotions under the surface bubble and bubble, so when the lid finally comes off it's explode-y.

And obviously nobody wants that to happen, and it can be really hard to even consider confronting the problem when you know how difficult the fallout will be.

But maybe it should still happen, for the sake of everyone (incl. your parents).

There are ways you can manage it that take the temperature down. You can write letters for them to read rather than having a verbal conversation/argument.

I don't want to presume anything because you know more about your family dynamic than me, but it might be that there's a rumble at first, arguments and some hurt feelings, but they may not hate you forever. All being well, they might even thank you for it later down the line, because I imagine they want a way out of all this too (even if they feel too ashamed to ask for it).

Out of interest, when you said they'll hate you forever for asking for help, what kind of help were you thinking of getting?

AnonymousToe

Thank you @JustV

JustV wrote: »

Out of interest, when you said they'll hate you forever for asking for help, what kind of help were you thinking of getting?

Literally just telling anyone who knows me irl. Talking to my teacher about it, looking into counselling, going to the GP. I have no idea what to do, because I don’t have enough control to actually change anything. But it’s been made very clear to me over my life that I mustn’t ever tell anyone, so that means I can’t ask anyone for advice or support or anything at all. My sister might get taken away and I’d probably be abandoned for causing problems.

AnonymousToe

It’s so hard to be hopeful and keep pushing forward in my life at all when my parents have given up

AnonymousToe

I wonder when the house will start to fall apart

Former Member

Hey , I’m v new here but I acc joined because your post was v relevant to me. It really helps to know I’m not alone so thank you for talking <33

AnonymousToe

Hi @Aboutagirl and welcome
I’m glad I could be of some help to you and I’m sorry you’re going through similar

AnonymousToe

So sick of being ordered around to move stuff, all to make space for visitors I don’t wanna see because they judge me so much

AnonymousToe

I feel so ill because I’m having to move so much heavy stuff around so early in the morning. Plus my sister is being horrible to me

ella

Hey @AnonymousToe,

Sorry to hear you were feeling unwell this morning. Just wanted to check in to see how you're doing now?

We're here if you want to chat about your relationship with your sister in more detail.

AnonymousToe

Easter stuff came out of the loft earlier so that was a game of rush hour to get it through the house. My mum just expects me to do everything for her too, all she did was sit there while my dad was in the loft and I had to move stuff around.

Plus, she said she was gonna get stuff to go to charity about a month ago, and then she decided at the last minute that it wasn’t ready. So it’s still here waiting for all eternity.

I don’t dare talk to her about it, it’s better to just distract myself because there’s no hope anymore. Still, it’s hard when it affects me so much, especially because I’m constantly being made to help my mum navigate the place.

Sunshine12

@AnonymousToe hey, I’m really sorry to hear about what you’re going through, you’re incredibly resilient having to go through this and speak about it! I don’t know a lot about your family situation so obviously don’t take on anything I say if u think it could make you unsafe, but social services can rrly help in cases like this. They may be able to speak to your parents about getting help with their hoarding as a mental health condition, sometimes alls it takes is a non judgmental approach to try and help someone see they need help. I understand that you’re worried about your sister being taken away/ your parents being angry with you, but social services will only remove a child if they’re deemed unsafe, and in a case where a child is being neglected/is unsafe (not saying that this is ur case) then obviously removing the child is the safest and most sensible option. I can only hope that if you got help ur parents would eventually see that you were helping them and not doing this to hurt them, this is all an incredibly draining situation for someone your age and ur parents will come to realise this, and if they don’t u sound incredibly bright and like u have a lot going for yourself in the future. Sending lots of love and i hope things get better for u ❤️

AnonymousToe

@Sunshine12 thank you so much, you’re lovely

Sunshine12

@AnonymousToe no worries ❤️

AnonymousToe

I wish I could tell someone 😭😭😭

AnonymousToe

I’m gonna be stuck with this forever. My parents will abandon me if I tell anyone and then I won’t have anything. Ever. But if I do nothing then it will just keep getting worse and I can’t do it anymore. Nobody cares about me, they only care about my mum. I’m worthless.

Laura_tigger82

We care about you @AnonymousToe. You are so important to us and you really matter. We can hear how heavy this is for you at the moment. If you weigh up the pro's and con's, what do you think might help the most at the moment?

AnonymousToe

I guess the best thing to do is distract myself from it, I’ll never have control. It’s just so hard to live like this. I wish she wouldn’t make me deal with so much. I know it could be so much worse and I’m lucky to have what I do, I just wish it was easier

AnonymousToe

I feel responsible for my sister. Maybe I should tell someone for her sake, but then I don’t know what would happen to me. Why do I have to be the oldest?? 😭😭😭

ebyrne556

Hey @AnonymousToe
I can hear how they’re is a lot of pressure being the oldest and making the decisions. I guess it depends what age ur sister is but mabye you could chat a bit about things with her and see what she thinks? You’re so strong and im sorry u hv to go through this. Hugs

AnonymousToe

Thanks @ebyrne556 but she’s just a little bit too young for that. She tries to defend my mum for it, and I don’t think she realises how bad it is. We’re both so desensitised to it, but she’s had it worse (the hoarding wasn’t as bad when we were younger, but she won’t remember that). Just trying to distract myself, but its hard

AnonymousToe

Had a dream the other night that people came to our house to take things away. They came to our house and looked in the windows. I guess I’m still terrified of people finding out