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Having a parent who hoards

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  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    She’s asking me to move things again and I feel like crap
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    I really can’t take everyone shouting at me over things I can’t help. I opened a drawer and some stuff balanced against the drawers fell down. Our house is a state to the point that you don’t actually know what’s fallen. My sister came in and saw one of her things wasn’t where she left it, so she blamed me and my mum joined in. You literally can’t touch anything in this dump 😭
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,299 Part of The Furniture
    It sounds really upsetting that everyone is shouting at you for things you can't help @AnonymousToe. I am hearing this feels out of control at the moment and other people's reactions are only making this more difficult for you. Is there anything which might help this to feel more manageable for you at the moment? We are all here with you.
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  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    Thanks @Laura_tigger82 I’m just trying to focus on the fact that I’ll be going to uni fairly soon now and won’t be stuck in this house all the time. I don’t have control over it so the only way to manage is to try and forget about it. Sometimes that’s impossible, but I’m also so desensitised to the hoarding that I don’t always notice it.
  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 2,065 Boards Champion
    Hey @AnonymousToe, I can hear how difficult this is for you - feeling this way for so long that you feel desensitised doesn't reduce the validity of how you feel about this situation. I hope that focusing on a goal like uni is helpful as it frames the situation as a temporary one for you. Wishing you strength through this, and we're here to support you through the situation <3
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    I hate the amount of responsibility I feel for all this
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    She just kicks everything out of her way, swears, and demands that I move things instantly. She’s driving me crazy
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    My mum and sister just collectively blamed me for it :/
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited May 18
    I’ve been following along with this thread and hope you’re okay.
    I just wanted to share the Facebook page called “children of hoarders”

    I’ve had a read through of what they share and their quotes like “safe parents don’t bury their children alive” - think meaning with objects ect. And like safe parents should care more about their child than objects and it validated things for me. I don’t know even just the fact they call it abuse cause my mum would gaslight me into thinking it’s not or would blame me. And reading the stuff on their helped me. I’ll share some of the stuff that was insightful to me some how and maybe help you

    And remember you do deserve better. 🫶🏻

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    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    Thank you so much @Siena <3
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    I really really want to get out and never see this place again 😭
  • Orchid059Orchid059 Moderator Posts: 300 The Mix Regular
    Hi @AnonymousToe this all sounds very stressful and it takes a lot of courage to reach out. Do you mind explaining what exactly has gone on so we can best support you- only if you feel comfortable sharing though. I just want to clarify with you that you are safe <3
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    @Orchid059 I’m not sure what you’re referring to? Sorry. I think I’m safe, it’s just that our house is very full and I’m not sure when that becomes unsafe
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    My mum is fixated on the moth infestation again (because she doesn’t want them to eat any of her precious crap). She complains if I don’t kill them but I can’t stand the thought of touching it and the legs and nooooo. I wish things could just be normal.
  • Orchid059Orchid059 Moderator Posts: 300 The Mix Regular
    AnonymousToe wrote: »
    @Orchid059 I’m not sure what you’re referring to? Sorry. I think I’m safe, it’s just that our house is very full and I’m not sure when that becomes unsafe

    Hi @AnonymousToe sorry if i wasn't very clear. I just wanted to make sure you felt safe in the house because you mentioned in a previous post that you just wanted to get out.

    We are here to talk through anything that has been on your mind <3
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    edited June 3
    My mum demanded that I move a box instantly, but there was a cat in the way and I didn’t want to hurt/ scare him, and she started shouting at me when I didn’t do it quickly enough. I hate it when she shouts at me because she’s so unpredictable and unstable, and also it reminds me of when I was little. Then she just started attacking me about not having a job or anything (when she’s literally unemployed herself). I don’t understand why she’s so fucking desperate to push me away.

    I just want someone to be a mother to me.
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    My mum was reeling off endless things she thinks I should take to uni - stuff I don’t use anyway. I told her I didn’t want to live as a hoarder and she stomped off. This is hard.
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    Now she’s refusing to talk to me
  • lunarcat522lunarcat522 Moderator Posts: 608 Incredible Poster
    @AnonymousToe Sorry to hear you're struggling with your mum. Is it possible that you could take the stuff that she's suggesting and then at an appropriate time donate it or chuck it? If you're asked later you could just say a friend is borrowing X item or you have put some stuff into a storage unit so you have more room in your accommodation.

    Or would that maybe make the situation worse? You know your mum best so just a suggestion in case you hadn't thought of it <3
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    It hurts to never get to sit on a chair :/
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    edited July 5
    sorry to hear things are tough. were here for you. @AnonymousToe . care abt you a lot. you matter to me and everyone else. here if you need to talk. <3
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    Thank you so much @eylah <3
  • sputniksputnik Posts: 97 Budding Regular
    Hey @AnonymousToe , I've just read your original post for the first time and wow, that sounds extremely hard and I have a lot of respect for you having coped with those living conditions for so long! The way your mum treats you is absolutely out of order, it sounds very much like abuse, and elements of it sound coercively controlling. It also sounds like she is very depressed, and maybe has other mental health issues too.
    Seems to me like she scapegoats you as a way to escape her own shame about her hoarding and the fact it's had such a major impact on you and your sister's lives. And that you've been burdened with the responsibility of ensuring your sister doesn't get taken away from home, and fearing for your family's safety - no one should have to shoulder that :disappointed: The fact you had to live with that fear and secrecy as a child is heartbreaking to me :( Sounds like it's got in the way (literally and metaphorically) of so many aspects of your family life, and your mother can't or won't face that fact and therefore denies what is clearly the case.

    Is there anyone you can talk to about it who you can trust not to let your parents know? If you can explain to them the problem and the pressure you're under not to tell people, and why? Just seems like you could really do with someone to talk to, and who might be able to advise you a bit or point you in the direction of more support. It's so much to be dealing with on your own <3 Or have you tried any helplines maybe? I know talking on the phone can be really hard when you have social anxiety though...

    You may know this already but when you start Uni there will be support services you can access through them, I don't know to what extent but you can probably find out through their website, if that helps at all?

    I'm really sorry you're having to cope with this, you're doing really well! <3
    I know you fought hard as hell

    but let this sink in

    you do not have to fight by yourself

    ~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    Thank you so much @sputnik it means a lot <3 I may reply properly at some point but I don’t have the energy right now, sorry
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    Why is it all my responsibility? 😭😭😭 No adult knows how bloody hard this is, and if I tell someone I’ll probably be abandoned. I’m totally stuck. Never ever gonna forgive my parents for this
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    AnonymousToe wrote: »
    Why is it all my responsibility? 😭😭😭 No adult knows how bloody hard this is, and if I tell someone I’ll probably be abandoned. I’m totally stuck. Never ever gonna forgive my parents for this

    we wonr abdadon you. yoj got us. sry idk what to say. but here for you. <3
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    Thank you @eylah it means a lot that you guys care <3
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    My dad is blaming me too. This is so hard
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,380 Boards Champion
    AnonymousToe wrote: »
    It hurts to never get to sit on a chair :/

    I’ve had the same pain from having to sit on the floor for 3 weeks now.
  • eylaheylah Posts: 4,432 Community Veteran
    AnonymousToe wrote: »
    My dad is blaming me too. This is so hard

    why. :(. im so sry.
    keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you. 🤍
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