Having a parent who hoards

amy02

So sorry to hear @AnonymousToe I can't imagine the weight this must put on you We are all here for you

eylah

hugs toe hope your ok i care abt you .

AnonymousToe

My mum is looking for something so there are things falling everywhere and she’s shouting and swearing at it and demanding I take things off her immediately. It sounds like nothing but it’s hard. I hate the demands 😭

AnonymousToe

I’m scared. Something happened that I probably shouldn’t share with anyone and fuck. Nobody’s been hurt or anything. Everything is fine but it was like a warning I suppose and now I’m just filled with dread. I can’t have it get any worse than this. Oh fuck I hate this so so much 😭 It wasn’t really that bad but it could have been if I wasn’t paying attention, and it only happened because of the hoard. I hope this makes my mum do something. Anything. I won’t be here much longer (going to uni) but it doesn’t feel right leaving my sister here. It’s so hard

EmLiz

@AnonymousToe I'm so sorry you experienced something really scary but I'm glad no one was hurt Just to say that you're totally valid to feel this way. Can I ask why you feel you shouldn't share it with anyone? Would you find it helpful to feel able to talk more about the situation?

I also definitely hear you when you say it doesn't feel right to be leaving right now. But hopefully a bit of space will be a positive for you, and you'll still be able to be there for your sister emotionally when and if she does need you. Sometimes we think physically being there is as important as emotional support, but I would guess that having you as someone who empathises and understands is an important thing that brings comfort, and that won't change.

I think it's often really common to maybe feel a sense of guilt when your own situation changes, so please try not beat yourself up about that as going to uni is a huge thing in itself to celebrate.

AnonymousToe

There are loads of rules about keeping things clean in our uni accommodation but they just say to keep things ‘acceptable’ but I don’t know what’s normal. I’m scared I’ll accidentally break the rules because I’m used to living in a disgusting environment

AnonymousToe

My sister is being horrible to me, there’s not even space for me in the house right now and she’s judging me and laughing at me for every fucking thing I do. I’m a big mess rn because I leave for uni really really soon and I don’t even know how to feel. Nobody cares and everything is about my sister because she’s ill, which is kind of alright but I don’t know why she has to be horrible to me. It’s so hard 😭

toffuna101

sending hugs @AnonymousToe

EmLiz

hey @AnonymousToe I’m really sorry to hear you’re dealing with all of this right now. It sounds like such a tough situation with your sister and everything going on at home.

For your uni place, moving into a new environment can definitely take some readjusting with new rules and expectations (and dw that will be the case for everyone, although I understand why you feel more worried about that side of things). It’s totally normal for everyone to go through a bit of a trial-and-error phase as you all get used to each other’s habits and figure out what “acceptable” means for everyone. Have you met your housemates yet? Once you’re all settled, it might be helpful for you all to have a casual chat about how you’ll handle house things together. In my experience these things naturally come up when living with new people.

And I’m really sorry to hear about how things are with your sister. It must be so hard to be dealing with her behaviour on top of everything else. How are you holding up? Do you have anyone you can talk to about this, or maybe a friend who you trust?

As always we're here if you need to chat more or need any advice. You don’t have to go through this alone.

AnonymousToe

Lost something really important in the hoarded living room and my mum just says, ‘well, if your room was tidier then this wouldn’t have happened’. Last time I remember seeing this thing was in my mum’s hand. This is such a fucking disaster

AnonymousToe

My mum put it somewhere. It’s found now

eylah

AnonymousToe wrote: »

My mum put it somewhere. It’s found now

oh that’s gd how are things now?

AnonymousToe

I really want to go home, but not to this. Apparently it’s worse than it was when I left for uni. I don’t want to go back to it. I want someone to take care of me (because I’m so bad at it) and I want to be somewhere that feels like home. But I don’t really have a home anymore. I have my uni room or a hoard to live in. I want it to get better, but nobody cares except me. It’s been about a year since I begged my parents to do something and my dad said they really would this time.
Well they really fucking didn’t and it just kept getting worse. It’s not fair. No matter what I do, I’m stuck going back to this hoard until I can afford to move out. And that’s a long way away because my own struggles make it impossible to start earning anything yet. I just feel like I have no control over my future. I don’t WANT to live in a hoarder home!!!!!!

Lucy_21

@AnonymousToe Hey I just want to hop on and say don’t worry you are not the only one like this. My mom is exactly the same, she had so much stuff in every room it was nuts. She watches the horder shows and because it’s not to that extent convinced herself it was alright and just like yours got so defensive when we said anything but this year she’s finally got the message that it’s too much and has sized down significantly and is still going. We have an actual normal functioning house now and I’m proud of her.

My point here is you are not alone and it can get better even if you think there is no hope. You need to sit your mom down and as hard as it’s going to be her being your mom you need to give her the harsh truth because it sounds like for her to understand at this point you need to be as blunt as possible.

Explain exactly how it makes both you and your sister feel. Her mother instincts will kick in somewhere trust me. She’s just blind at the moment and maybe she needs therapy because a lot of hordes have an emotional reason for hording we might not see and once you get to the bottom of that it should help

Good luck always here

AnonymousToe

Apparently it’s all my fault there’s not space because I came home from uni with some luggage. I’m literally not even allowed to exist in this fucking house anymore without my mum screaming at me. She’s being horrible to me because I have loads of washing that needs doing and I really fucking struggle to be independent because my parents couldn’t ever be bothered to teach me anything. Apparently it was all fine at home when I was away, which is such a fucking lie because I saw the place on video calls and it was so bad, plus my mum had even said she didn’t know how there’d be space for me to come home. I hate this SO much. Why can’t she just see that it’s her problem?? Of course things are gonna come back with me!! Of course I’m gonna need help, I’ve just been living independently for the first time ever for 3 months. It’s been so hard but the difference emotionally was kind of horrifying. It’s so much easier to cope emotionally/mentally when I’m not living with my mum. I wish she cared enough to get help. And I dread finishing uni, where am I gonna go?? It’s gonna take so many years to get the money to move out, but I have my own struggles too which will make getting a job incredibly difficult. With a mum like this, I can’t afford to have my own problems. I can’t deal with both hers and mine. It’s too much for me. I don’t want this for my life forever. I missed her but fuck I didn’t miss this. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I’m just glad I won’t be here for long before I go back, but it breaks me to say that. I dont know where I want to be. Somewhere that feels like home but doesn’t have someone tearing me down. If I accidentally blame my mum for her hoarding, she starts coming at me for all my struggles. So basically that means I’m getting berated for being autistic. Why does it have to be like this? Why does she blame me for her problem?

AnonymousToe

Now she’s screaming at me for putting something down on top of a bag because there was nowhere else to put anything. I can’t do this. This isn’t home anymore. I hate it here. I don’t belong anywhere

eylah

@AnonymousToe im so sry this is happening 💔 im so sry she started screaming bc you put something down i wanted to check in and ask how are you doing now? sending you so many hugs 🫂.

amy02

We're here for you @AnonymousToe Keep us updated with how you're doing - I hope you have a better evening

AnonymousToe

Thank you @eylah and @amy02 today has been better luckily

eylah

AnonymousToe wrote: »

Thank you @eylah and @amy02 today has been better luckily

oh thats gd! i rly hope things improve for you i rly do bc your deserving of a happy life! im sending you so many hugs 🫂!

AnonymousToe

My parents want me to get rid of stuff but it’s hard because there are so many rules and there’s so much shouting whenever I do want to get rid of something. I have to keep some things just because. And anyway, if I do get rid of things, my mum will still just keep them downstairs in everyone’s way. And they’re still my things apparently even though I’ve done everything in my power to get them out of the house.

She’s trying to make space because as usual ‘we don’t have space for Christmas’ and somehow that’s all my fault. All she’ll focus on is the things that don’t belong to her. So she’ll insist on sorting my things and blame me for everything. It’s just so hard because she can’t even realise this is totally insane. Christmas is probably the worst time in a hoarder home,

eylah

hey @AnonymousToe this sounds so stressful for you and im so sry i rly am. i dont know what to say but if you ever need to rant etc pls know im here for you always ❤️