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How are you today @Shaunie?
How are you today @Shaunie?
So Stressed. Feel so much pressure to do better occupational & feeling wise&Think will be few months before rape couselling. But thankyou
@Millie2787 aahh I think you clicked the wrong thread buddy hahaha, just letting you know I'm really sorry you're going such stuff rn xoxo
**** Iam aware no one will actually read this. Which is okay don't expect anyone to use their time. but I didn't want to write it to myself. Dk if is meant to help but wanted to try**** please do ignore just is here for own selfish reasons I'm trying to accept things in a none self distructive compulsive way & not say how much I hate myself for it
I got to know him in school. I hardly knew him since he was on the other half of the year. But only thing we had in common was that we was both a twin and is how we started speaking. We spoke about it on Facebook and we ended up meeting up. He seemed really nice at first. Meet up loads of times that was casual and didn't involve anything weird and we decide to be in a relationship. Though it was quite secretive with only his friends and my friends knowing. I enjoyed it cause I ended up speaking to a lot more people from my year as he had a few friends he trusted. But he was a Sikh & he said his family wouldn't like him to be seen with a girl as when he is older he only want to look after his mum and live with her as that is what Sikh families do. But he didn't know if he wanted that.
So he suggested we go into these woods where it's over a fence & it's not where suppose to go as it is private area but the fence is broke so we went anyway. He hardly wanted to go there when it was autum because there was not many leaves on the tree so people would see us less. I just thought maybe it was weird but he wanted privacy. At first he didnt force me. After a few meet ups. He would call me frigid. And started calling me "his" and said he can do what he likes to me cause he owes me cause we are in relationship. He got his dick out and got my arm & would force my hand to go on it. I would not move so he would move my whole arm so I would be wanking him off. It is weird but the first few times I didn't really see anything was wrong with it. I literally thought he could control me & never crossed my mind at that time that it was abuse. I would try to push him away but he was stronger than me. I would say I really didn't like it so can we just not do it. He would agree. I would meet up with him again and he would do it. And again. In the woods. I knew I didn't like it but didn't think it was abuse until he started touching me. after school and we went to the woods. It started touching outside of my skirt near my vagina. I just said stop. He carried on. Until I could do anything because he was really strong and before I know it he was fingering me when I really didn't want it and just bled. I just remember feeling like I zoned out, I couldn't focus on anything and didn't know what to do and it all went so slow but so fast. I got home & my vagina hurt so bad that it hurt to seat down. My mind was a mess and I was feeling pain everywhere. Then I tried to kill myself for the first time. I remember being in hospital overnight & my family tellin them that I had meet up with a friend & that my friend must be bad. I felt awful because it wasn't the friend they thought it was. So I said it had nothing to do with it. But I had the chance to tell them everything then & there but I didn't. I was stil confused on what was actually happening. Though I started seeing CAMHS in the same week & I slightly opened up and they refereed me to NSPCC. I was with the NSPCC for a year rather than the usual 6 months. & so grateful for their help but I regret never fullying telling them everything.After the first time he forced fingered me. He told me we wouldn't do it again if i dont like it but just wanted to make me happy. And that he only has best intentions to help me getting out of my comfort zone to be less fridgid and get confidence. But would stop. I was stupid enough to believe this everytime about how he was only putting me first & how he "loved" me. My home life was very neglected and I didn't even have the basic needs which I let him know & I dunno if he knew what he was doing but he used it to manipluated me. I went round his for first time when his parents wasn't there & I just wanted to see his dogs. He was so parniod his neighbours would see me going in that we went round the back of his house. We sat on his bed. It was straight after school again & i was pretty tired & didn't want to do anything. First few minutes was spend looking round his room & talking about that. He started touching my body again. And I said I am i not frigid. I am tired. He carried on taking my top off until he got to my under wear. He would laugh while he was doing it saying " I know you want it really" "stop playing hard to get" I would say stop. I must of said it about 30 times that night. While he laughed the whole way through. It took a while but my clothes all was off me and I felt the most vulnerable ever. He put his condom on & got my arms and pinned me against the bed. While trying to shove his dick in me and was bleeding all over his bed. It hurt so bad but he did not care at all. It was like he had some mental block everytime he was turned on and couldn't hear anything other than his sexual desires. He raped me many times after that. I didn't know how to leave the relationship. I thought he was the only one who liked me and paid any attention to me. He controlled me & I can look back now and say how fucked up i was to stay. But I was so confused. And My home life was so awful that I didn't have access to a shower and I could use his. And he told me I would never find any one who loves me as much as he does. This is where gets more disgusting. he vaguely asked me whether I would ever take part in "golden showers" meaning pee on each other's for sexual pleasure. I said i don’t know. And spoke about it but i didnt think that much of it - thought is different. But maybe disgusting and wouldn't actually do it myself. He said he has a free house as his family are going away on hoilday for few days so could stay for few hours. I always told my family I was seeing my friend. When I was at his. For few hours he didnt force anything we just watched TV. But he kept preaching about how good water if for me and wondering why I don't drink that much. So then i did question maybe i should drink more water so I did. So then later. I was pretty shy to even ask to use his toilet when I needed a wee so I just said maybe should go home as getting late. But he convinced me not to. So then asked where his toilet was. He said I can't use it atm as being bleached & not working well & needs longer. So then I was just like I will just go home then. Then I started feeling something was going on. I tried to leave and he had locked us in. I started to freak out about being locked in and he got angry saying I couldnt leave and that I should want to be with his company. So after convincing me to stay& that being locked in was normal. I said I need a wee so i don't care about your beached toilet. The toilet was also locked. Then I started replaying the golden showers messages & finally realise what he was trying. And that there was going to be no way out but to do everything he wanted and it was the most stuck feeling. I said I knew what he was doing and that I don't want to but he said if I love him I would do it. We argue a bit but I didn't have any energy to argue or find a way out - while needing a wee and so I did my best to distract my mind. I was sitting up right on his bed & he was would turn me so he would be in front of me. He was touching all over my body. And then he would touch right above my vagina but below my stomach of where my bladder it. He pressed so hard down on it. And it hurt so bad and made my body so go hot and was so hard to breath. He kept doing it while asking if it turned me on. I just said how much it was hurting my bladder and that I feel could hold it in & said I will wee all over his bed. He got turned on more by me saying that - which meant he got more forceful. So he grabbed me and put me his is bath and then made me sit over him. And carried on pressing hard down on my stomach. It made my body so hot & I couldn't handle it or hold it any longer and remember thinking it was going to happen no matter what I try. And ended up weeing on top of him. In the clothes I was wearing. I felt so sick and I could tell if it was from not peeing for so long or because I was so disgustigwith my self. He then made me wank him off while we both had wee on ourselves & I just felt so dirty. After I wanked him off he then weed on me. And I wanted to die there and then. The only way I could describe it was the feeling of being suffocated and hard to breath that when being suffocated you don't have much control and feel will end up with the worst no matter what you do then end up giving up. And is only way can describe it. I didn't even know how long I could be there but knew his family wasn't gone on hoilday forever. But It didn't stop me from thinking there was never going to be an end. He then took my clothes for the wash and was naked until the wash had completly finished and it was the longest Saturday. I got some sleep. But by the time I woke up I needed a wee again. I wanted to not drink anything. But he told me if I didn't drink he would share pictures of me naked that he took when I was asleep. So I ended up drinking more and more water and then really needing to wee again and the same thing would happen. He loved me feeling embarrassed and being deserpate and him having control and the humilation. He did it Over and over until the third day on which I could finally leave. I felt so free as soon as I left. Like I had been there for years. I went home and I just really wanted to kill myself but I didn't. I did harm myself. And I just threw up. I had to tell my sisters that it was probably something that I ate at my friends. I could still feel like his hands was still on my stomach and I just felt so disgusting and sick everytime I went for a wee and I was getting blood in my wee - not much has changed. I still feel disgusting everytime I go for a wee and just relate it to being something shameful and humilating. And I have tried to kill myself in the exact same woods a few times. I took control of everything after that & the NSPCC taught me how to leave an abusive relationship and how to see the signs of one.
**** Iam aware no one will actually read this. Which is okay don't expect anyone to use their time. but I didn't want to write it to myself. Dk if is meant to help but wanted to try**** please do ignore just is here for own selfish reasons
I'm trying to accept things in a none self distructive compulsive way & not say how much I hate myself for it