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Really fed up and suicidal. MAY TRIGGER

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    *hug* <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Really wish id stop feeling sorry for myself and kill myself
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Omggg why does it hurt so much. Cant handle
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited February 2019
    My head keeps shouting at me “just kill yourself you fucking prick” but it is a shame i am a coward so cant end the pain. Eventho it could take mins which is nothing compared to life of hell. But i am pathetic. Wish there was a very quick & easy way 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Rather RIP
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Sorry. I didnt mean to make that seem like i was in crisis just constant thoughts. & just overwhelming. Am safe (not that anyone cares)
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Heyyy, nothing to be sorry about, and hope you feel better <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you
    spent some time crying lol. Kinda feel better. Sedative affect. Lol. Now tired. So hopefully i can go sleep before 12
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    No istill feel so bad & just wish i could go back to sleep 😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • MaisyMaisy Deactivated Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    How are you today @Shaunie? <3
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    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited February 2019
    Maisy said:
    How are you today @Shaunie? <3
    So Stressed. Feel so much pressure to do better occupational & feeling wise
    &Think will be few months before rape couselling. 

    But thankyou
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,612 Part of The Furniture
    How you holding up, @Shaunie? Keep posting as long as it's helping - it's good to know how you're doing. :)

    Shaunie said:
    Maisy said:
    How are you today @Shaunie? <3
    So Stressed. Feel so much pressure to do better occupational & feeling wise
    &Think will be few months before rape couselling. 

    But thankyou

    Are you talking about occupational therapy? Let us know how it's going. :)
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
    The truth resists simplicity.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thanks Mike

    Im still feelin very stressed. Weekend was stressful with work but also meet up with a guy after work which quite enjoyed and now feel have a lot for this week & stressed

     My last group therapy today 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭im so sad nearly crying thinking about it. Every monday i am going to be so sad thinking about it😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 todays just evaluation and thinking about what we have done. Im sad that i feel i havent got very far and i hope they dont secretly think that & im a waste. But tbh even turning up to every session is good because at the end/ past few weeks -its only been one other girl with me doing it and most people dropped out ages ago. 

    Then tomorrow i have an Ecg which i really hate. Is to check my heart cause laxative abuse

    and idk where abouts on the waiting list for rape couselling i am on. But i am sooo selfish that it didnt stop me from signing up to The Mix Webchat cousellin & first one is on wedsnday. Dk where i am on the list for rape couselling but i feel really selfish and feel bad. But im so scared to be without support that it makes me selfish. 

    then on thursday i start the level 1 mental health awareness corse which is for 4 hours which im stressed about cause think thats a long time. Then on thursday i may also be meetinup with the guy. 

    Then on friday i have my last moving forward workshop then i will be basically be discharged as i have no appiontments after that😭😭😭. Will just need one more appointment with my CC but idek when that is 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭then i am all by myself again😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i think my CC already knows about how attached i get as she saw it with my ISVA. But i think i may tell her. She may think im weird. Cause tbh i really want to be her friend lol wont be happening tho :( shes a bit older than me lol but surely they get attached to people too


    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited February 2019
    Fml so not only am i 20 mins late for group ive gone to the wrong place and now i don’t know if i can get there😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I don’t know whether to laugh or cry or kil myself loooll i am so sad. Its my last group im waiting for my bus and buses take forever and then there is some walking aswell 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😒😒😒
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Helpp😭😭😭😭😭😭😭the bus isnt coming 😭😭im such a fuck up lol omg 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭want to die.  Not even going to be able to end the groups and now going to feel like dead end without going so sad. Even if i do get there. There will only be like 30 mins left. 😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Omg i feel like crying. The bus isnt coming. Want to die. I hate myself
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Type your comment
    help
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Aw I'm sorry to hear this bud :frown: Sending hugs and love your way as always.

    I can see you really don't want group therapy to finish huh x Also you're not a fuck up.

    Thinking of you

    <3<3
  • ItaliaItalia Posts: 238 Trailblazer
    edited February 2019
    Hey Shaunie,

    You have a lot going on today, and it all sounds quite stressful. ) 

    Well done for reaching out.  Signing up for counselling isn't selfish at all.  You are doing a really brave thing by making sure you are getting the help that you need.  Don't underestimate how much that takes.  

    I know it all feels really overwhelming but as I read your comments, I see that you are doing lots and lots of positive things for your health.  Going to get an ECG even though you don't enjoy them because you know its important for your health, attending your moving forward workshop, going out with a guy, managing your final appointments with your CC and taking your last group therapy session really seriously.  I know it may not seem like it but all of this takes effort, and although it feels hard your doing really well Shaunie. 

    It also sounds like missing the bus today has triggered some suicidal feelings.  Remember crisis messenger is there if you need them.  You can text THEMIX to 85258.  

    Your managing a lot at the moment, so its okay to reach out for some support if you feel you need it.  It sounds like a lot of things are finishing up and that can be hard.  

    I hope the bus came and you made it to your appointment in time to see everyone. 

    We would love to hear how you got on today.  

    Stay Safe  <3

    Italia 

    “People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses.”
    -     Brene Brown

  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,202 Part of The Furniture
    edited February 2019
    Shauine buddy your doing amazing 💜
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    @Millie2787 aahh I think you clicked the wrong thread buddy hahaha, just letting you know <3 I'm really sorry you're going such stuff rn xoxo
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,202 Part of The Furniture
    kathleen0172 said:
    @Millie2787 aahh I think you clicked the wrong thread buddy hahaha, just letting you know <3 I'm really sorry you're going such stuff rn xoxo
    Ahhh thank you I was in the middle of writting something for shauine and forgot to click off it 🤦🏻‍♀️
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2023
    Thank you all 
    I am soo sorry
    i am so overdramatic about things and sensitive. I did get to it in the end. They already knew that i went to the wront place so i didnt feel that bad about it by that time lol they was just suprised i carried on to go to it lol. 

    Im just a bit upset that when i was asked "what do you think you have done to get to your goal" before i could answer the other girl laughed and said "you have done nothing". And then she apologied and said she didnt realise i did what ive done. But i think she was just saying that as she realised how rude it was. Cause she is probably right i am still working in retail and i am still a loser and not got onto appertership or voluterring. So that knocked me off a bit. But still managed to say i think im more confident and movitated. And the occuptional therapists said that they can so much difference in me. But then i was even offended when they spoke as she said "you make more eye contact and your body lanaguage seem more confient" i thought i did make good eye contact to begin with :////. 

    So sad wont see them again:'(
    Post edited by JustV on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 1,084 Wise Owl
    Hey Shaunie,

    Sending hugs to you :heart:

    Sounds like your going through a difficult stage at the minute, sorry to hear that. 

    It's so positive your reaching out for support on here though, We are here for you, if you need to talk about things. 

    Echoing what others have said, :heart: 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 133 The Mix Convert
    Hey Shaunie

    I'm so sorry that group therapy finished, it seems like this has been a difficult week for you :( I hope the ECG went okay too, I have them quite a lot so I can definitely sympathise. 

    How are you feeling about your course tomorrow? I hope you have a great time!

    Even online, we can see how you're growing in confidence, so it's lovely that others have been able to recognise that too. 

    Caroline <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited February 2019
    Thank yous:)
    My ECG was fine cause she was really nice. But yesterday i had a text to say i need to make an appointment to discuss my results from tests. -- they never ask an appointment unless something is wrong so that is really annoying and i am going to be soo pissed off if they say im anemic. - it shouldnt be take cause i took iron pills right before the test so it would be in my blood. Maybe it was too high this time loll. But i was on my period lol so maybe is cause "anemic" But usually theyd send a text to tell me to collect my prescritpion for anemia too so am confused. ts either that or ive fucked up my health from laxative abuse but ive been taking less & less laxatives in the healthest way so i think its fine. But dk. . My appointment to discuss it is on monday.  I just really wish i knew what they want to say now. Hate it when they do this. Why cAnt they just text what is wrong. Obvs i have thought that i could be dying of liver failure. Or Maybe just to discuss going on antidepressant. Do not get why they cant just give me anti depressants as well as checking my health, so annoying. 

    I also had The Mix Webchat counselling Yesterday and that was okay
    but not really looking forward to today -goin to mental health awareness course. Is 4 hours:///. I am so tired that i have to wake up this early
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Omg getting really scared now. Start at 10:30 and just waiting for a nother bus. I don’t know how these ones go and i will no one from there and room full of strangers 😭😭 can feel my breathing going much faster 😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited February 2019
    Im on lunch. Is okay. Everyones nice. I always fee like a kid doing these things tho ah. Everyones always older and ive been asked like 20 times "you alright" so i must look very anxious or somethint aha but so nice anyway.

    After lunch we are going to be having conversations with people while listening to vioces with headphones while having conversation with someone to see what schizonreia is like. But can choose not to do it. But i think i want to do is as intersting but just feeling very anxious
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2023
    Shaunie said:

    **** Iam aware no one will actually read this. Which is okay don't expect anyone to use their time. but I didn't want to write it to myself. Dk if is meant to help but wanted to try**** please do ignore  just is here for own selfish reasons   

    I'm trying to accept things in a none self distructive compulsive way & not say how much I hate myself for it  


    I got to know him in school. I hardly knew him since he was on the other half of the year. But only thing we had in common was that we was both a twin and is how we started speaking. We spoke about it on Facebook and we ended up meeting up. 

    He seemed really nice at first. Meet up loads of times that was casual and didn't involve anything weird and we decide to be in a relationship. Though it was quite secretive with only his friends and my friends knowing. I enjoyed it cause I ended up speaking to a lot more people from my year as he had a few friends he trusted. But he was a Sikh & he said his family wouldn't like him to be seen with a girl as when he is older he only want to look after his mum and live with her as that is what Sikh families do. But he didn't know if he wanted that. 


    So he suggested we go into these woods where it's over a fence & it's not where suppose to go as it is private area but the fence is broke so we went anyway. He hardly wanted to go there when it was autum because there was not many leaves on the tree so people would see us less. I just thought maybe it was weird but he wanted privacy. At first he didnt force me. After a few meet ups. He would call me frigid. And started calling me "his" and said he can do what he likes to me cause he owes me cause we are in relationship. He got his dick out and got my arm & would force my hand to go on it. I would not move so he would move my whole arm so I would be wanking him off. It is weird but the first few times I didn't really see anything was wrong with it. I literally thought he could control me & never crossed my mind at that time that it was abuse. I would try to push him away but he was stronger than me.  I would say I really didn't like it so can we just not do it. He would agree. I would meet up with him again and he would do it.  And again. In the woods.

    I knew I didn't like it but didn't think it was abuse until he started touching me. after school and we went to the woods. It started touching outside of my skirt near my vagina. I just said stop. He carried on. Until I could do anything because he was really strong and before I know it he was fingering me when I really didn't want it and just bled. I just remember feeling like I zoned out, I couldn't  focus on anything and didn't know what to do and it all went so slow but so fast. I got home & my vagina hurt so bad that it hurt to seat down. My mind was a mess and I was feeling pain everywhere. Then I tried to kill myself for the first time. I remember being in hospital overnight & my family tellin them that I had meet up with a friend & that my friend must be bad. I felt awful because it wasn't the friend they thought it was. So I said it had nothing to do with it. But I had the chance to tell them everything then & there but I didn't. I was stil confused on what was actually happening. Though I started seeing CAMHS in the same week & I slightly opened up and they refereed me to NSPCC. I was with the NSPCC for a year rather than the usual 6 months. & so grateful for their help but I regret never fullying telling them everything.

    After the first time he forced fingered me. He told me we wouldn't do it again if i dont like it but just wanted to make me happy. And that he only has best intentions to help me getting out of my comfort zone to be less fridgid and get confidence. But would stop. I was stupid enough to believe this everytime about how he was only putting me first & how he "loved" me.  My home life was very neglected and I didn't even have the basic needs which I let him know & I dunno if he knew what he was doing but he used it to manipluated me.

     I went round his for first time when his parents wasn't there & I just wanted to see his dogs. He was so parniod his neighbours would see me going in that we went round the back of his house. We sat on his bed. It was straight after school again & i was pretty tired & didn't want to do anything. First few minutes was spend looking round his room & talking about that. He started touching my body again. And I said I am i not frigid. I am tired. He carried on taking my top off until he got to my under wear. He would laugh while he was doing it saying " I know you want it really" "stop playing hard to get" I would say stop. I must of said it about 30 times that night. While he laughed the whole way through. It took a while but my clothes all was off me and I felt the most vulnerable ever. He put his condom on & got my arms and pinned me against the bed. While trying to shove his dick in me and was bleeding all over his bed. It hurt so bad but he did not care at all. It was like he had some mental block everytime he was turned on and couldn't hear anything other than his sexual desires.

    He raped me many times after that. I didn't know how to leave the relationship. I thought he was the only one who liked me and paid any attention to me. He controlled me & I can look back now and say how fucked up i was to stay. But I was so confused. And My home life was so awful that I didn't have access to a shower and I could use his. And he told me I would never find any one who loves me as much as he does.

    This is where gets more disgusting. he vaguely asked me whether I would ever take part in "golden showers" meaning pee on each other's for sexual pleasure. I said i don’t know. And spoke about it but i didnt think that much of it - thought is different. But maybe disgusting and wouldn't actually do it myself. He said he has a free house as his family are going away on hoilday for few days so could stay for few hours. I always told my family I was seeing my friend. When I was at his. For few hours he didnt force anything we just watched TV. But he kept preaching about how good water if for me and wondering why I don't drink that much. So then i did question maybe i should drink more water so I did. So then later. I was pretty shy to even ask to use his toilet when I needed a wee so I just said maybe should go home as getting late. But he convinced me not to. So then asked where his toilet was. He said I can't use it atm as being bleached & not working well & needs longer. So then I was just like I will just go home then.

    Then I started feeling something was going on. I tried to leave and he had locked us in. I started to freak out about being locked in and he got angry saying I couldnt leave and that I should want to be with his company. So after convincing me to stay& that being locked in was normal. I said I need a wee so i don't care about your beached toilet. The toilet was also locked. Then I started replaying the golden showers messages & finally realise what he was trying. And that there was going to be no way out but to do everything he wanted and it was the most stuck feeling. I said I knew what he was doing and that I don't want to but he said if I love him I would do it. We argue a bit but I didn't have any energy to argue or find a way out - while needing a wee and so I did my best to distract my mind.

    I was sitting up right on his bed & he was would turn me so he would be in front of me. He was touching all over my body. And then he would touch right above my vagina but below my stomach of where my bladder it. He pressed so hard down on it. And it hurt so bad and made my body so go hot and was so hard to breath. He kept doing it while asking if it turned me on. I just said how much it was hurting my bladder and that I feel could hold it in & said I will wee all over his bed. He got turned on more by me saying that - which meant he got more forceful. So he grabbed me  and put me his is bath and then made me sit over him. And carried on pressing hard down on my stomach. It made my body so hot & I couldn't handle it or hold it any longer and remember thinking it was going to happen no matter what I try. And ended up weeing on top of him. In the clothes I was wearing.  I felt so sick and I could tell if it was from not peeing for so long or because I was so disgustigwith my self. He then made me wank him off while we both had wee on ourselves & I just felt so dirty. After I wanked him off he then weed on me.  And I wanted to die there and then. The only way I could describe it was the feeling of being suffocated and hard to breath that when being suffocated you don't have much control and feel will end up with the worst no matter what you do then end up giving up. And is only way can describe it.

    I didn't even know how long I could be there but knew his family wasn't gone on hoilday forever. But It didn't stop me from thinking there was never going to be an end.

    He then took my clothes for the wash and was naked until the wash had completly finished and it was the longest Saturday. I got some sleep. But by the time I woke up I needed a wee again. I wanted to not drink anything. But he told me if I didn't drink he would share pictures of me naked that he took when I was asleep. So I ended up drinking more and more water and then really needing to wee again and the same thing would happen. He loved me feeling embarrassed and being deserpate and him having control and the humilation. He did it Over and over until the third day on which I could finally leave.

    I felt so free as soon as I left. Like I had been there for years. I went home and I just really wanted to kill myself but I didn't. I did harm myself. And I just threw up. I had to tell my sisters that it was probably something that I ate at my friends. I could still feel like his hands was still on my stomach and I just felt so disgusting and sick everytime I went for a wee and I was getting blood in my wee - not much has changed. I still feel disgusting everytime I go for a wee and just relate it to being something shameful and humilating.
     And I have tried to kill myself in the exact same woods a few times. 

     I took control of everything after that & the NSPCC taught me how to leave an abusive relationship and how to see the signs of one. 


    I finally managed to read all of this again. Which so proud of tbh. Because ive wrote a lil bit about it before - like not much more than 2 sentence and would hate scrolling past it let alone read it back. So maybe finding some acceptance. Im also think for people to say im not disgusting - i dont think you read it Til the end aha


    tomorrow i have an appointment to talk about my blood tests. - im guessing something is wrong with me cause they never want to discuss unless something is wrong. And i dont think its because im anemic cause unally they tell me to collect my presciption too. So i think i have messed up my health and that i am dying tbh. Fml why dont they just say it over text or call. 


    Anyway i am basically discharged from mental health services and rape counselling are not getting back in contact with me so no one really cares. I have no appointments left for MH other than i need to re arrange to see my CC one last time 😭😭😭😭😭

    If i don't end up leaving retail or i dont even have any sense or direction of me ever getting a better life i think i will die. Which is sad. But it is life and we all die

    [edited by moderator]
    Post edited by JustV on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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