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Really fed up and suicidal. MAY TRIGGER

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  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 258 Rampant Poster
    Shaunie said:
    Thank you.

    Well therapy is quite shitty tbh. Idek how they can call it a type of therapy. When All we do is go round talking about our goal & how it is going & then they get a speaker to talk for the rest. ( a speaker from like a community, like today it was for exercise and they talk about their organisation) Like idek.  

    I said my goal isn’t going great cause I am so suciidal & then they all just looked at me with sympathic eyes & then carried on talking lol. & Like I was thinking okay, no one cares. I can’t see far head let alone a goal so stressing me. And someone started suggestion maybe apprentership if I hate primark that much cause need money. & Later I was  just like well yeah I can say this now but when I get home I’ll just start thinking about dying instead of thinking about my goal.
     I think I was totally depressing and they was all looking at me like wtf shut up you suicidal bitch lol.
    & the OT suggested I keep meeting up with them seperatly to look online with me for apperterships if I find motivation hard by myself. 

    I don’t know just feeling shit because I know soon I will get really suicidal and see no point in living. But part of me wants to do something with my life and not kill myself. And guess no one can help me but myself. But just no one cares about how suicidal I am  😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭suicide just seems to a constant option as soon as things get overwhelming & idk. Sounds weak.  Feel overwhelmed and stuck. I dk what I want to do with my life :(
    Hugs x I care you're suicidal, and really sympathise (we all do), I know it's not enough though <3 It doesn't sound weak btw. I hear you, it sounds difficult to say the least and I can empathise.

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 2,905 Mega Poster
    Thank you. Is just idk how safe I can keep myself sometimes & feel like it will only take a spilt second of completeee hopelessness & insense saddness & having the right things to kill myself & I will want to give up completly and will be dead.  Which felt very close on New Year’s Day . They don’t care that’s how I feel and basically just tell me to not be lazy when I am depressed how Can I find motivation & wont even give me meds. 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton 🌸🌸
    kathleen0172
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 258 Rampant Poster
    Shaunie said:
    Thank you. Is just idk how safe I can keep myself sometimes & feel like it will only take a spilt second of completeee hopelessness & insense saddness & having the right things to kill myself & I will want to give up completly and will be dead.  Which felt very close on New Year’s Day . They don’t care that’s how I feel and basically just tell me to not be lazy when I am depressed how Can I find motivation & wont even give me meds. 
    hm:( That really sucks xo

    Can we help in any way? Is there anything in particular you wanna talk through or anything?

  • ItaliaItalia Posts: 17 Moderator
    Hey Shaunie,

    I'm glad you posted.  :)  Sorry to hear that therapy didn't go well today, it sounds super frustrating.  Focusing on goal setting and progress with all of this going on must feel impossible.   

    It sounds like your having the roughest time at the moment.  Its good to see you are still reaching out for help, and going to therapy and talking to your OT - it shows such a strength in you.  These things are not easy at the best of times.  Remember how well you are doing in the midst of this.  

    When you said  "But part of me wants to do something with my life and not kill myself", I wondered what is feeding this thought? 

    Perhaps next time your feeling like you want to do something with your life, try writing down three things which will help you remember this feeling?  Does that sound like something you could do? 

    I hear your feeling really suicidal, and it sounds really overwhelming.  We care, and are here for you. 
    Keep reaching out to all the numbers everyone has suggested, keep posting.  Your not alone.   <3
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 2,905 Mega Poster
    edited January 10
    Yeah will try. Thank you. Just don’t know what I want from life. Even when I feel like doing something. All seems pointless
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton 🌸🌸
    kathleen0172
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 2,905 Mega Poster
    edited January 13
    I don’t know what is wrong with me. I managed to write a CV which felt like I achieved something just writing it all & I felt like I achieved things thinking about things I’ve done in school & stuff. And then skills was kinda hard But guess some of it isn’t lying cause I have gone a little bit more confident I think ah. And I think like yeah I want a life like how I had a life in school & enjoyed school & doing stuff & having friends. 

    but i don’t know what triggers me but a few hours later of doing that like all I wanted was to be dead. I think I’ve realised that reading the news really upsets me and for quite awhile after wards too and think about it a lot and how affected the people involved and think that’s normal? But yeah I can’t handle life so i don’t know what I am doing alive. On my Facebook i follows like my local telegraph thing & local police and should probably unfollow that as always reading it & upsets me. I dk maybe I sound selfish or pathetic dk. 

    Then after work today, I was walking home and i just really wanted to be dead and felt like I didn’t even have much energy to even walk fast. Let alone live life. And I was just feeling so sad thinking that I think I will be dead soon which is sad because people enjoy life but I think i want to die. And it was slightly raining and I felt like crying and I was totally feeling sorry for myself tbh lolll. 

    I guess i just feel like at some point I may have the means to kill myself and get that deserpate feeling that I may just get so angry & hopeless that I’d do it. I know dying may hurt but living really hurts:(
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton 🌸🌸
    Arianakathleen0172
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 258 Rampant Poster
    @Shaunie you certainly don't sound selfish or pathetic about the news, if anything that just shows you have a kind heart. The news gets me down too, and I think staying away from it would be a good idea.

    It sounds really desperate and difficult :(

    Shaunie said:
    I guess i just feel like at some point I may have the means to kill myself and get that deserpate feeling that I may just get so angry & hopeless that I’d do it. I know dying may hurt but living really hurts:(

    Do you think you should maybe write a list/plan for if/when you're in crisis? There could be reasons to stay alive in this moment (like pets who need you, you won't feel this way forever, etc), helplines to contact, stuff like that.

    xo

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 2,905 Mega Poster
    I have crisis plan but always forget it exists so thanks for reminder ah

    i have group therapy tomorrow again ://. & will say ive looked online & stuff & did a CV which they will probably be surpised at & think that means i havent felt bad  but have.  i dont know just sad & i dont want the group theray to finish next month as i don’t know where id find any motivation by myself & im lonely & feel so bad 😭😭😭😭😭
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton 🌸🌸
    kathleen0172
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 258 Rampant Poster
    Good you have a crisis plan. 

    Aw hugs <3 

    I don't suppose there's any groups you could join to kind of replace group therapy? Of course there's always this site if we can help.

    How was today (when therapy's over)? 

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 2,905 Mega Poster
    edited January 14
    Thank you.
    Group therapy Felt like I’m kinda getting no where with my goal compared to others. But Generally was okay and was at recovery college room & spoke at the corses for next term and the people who run recover college are peer support workers. And a peer support worker is someone who’s been through mental health themselves and been through the CPFT system some how and then support others who have mental illness. And they work everywhere like hospitals ect

     I mean that sounds like a good job and something I’d be interesting in doing. But doubt I’d be seen as in recovery to get a job like that lol. But  They have a recovery college corse on it the term coming so I am going to sign up to that to learn more about it. 

    And then they was saying something about how I could maybe sign up to PIP or soemthing with I don’t evwn know what is but something to do with getting money from government if have mental illness cause I say how I have no money lol. But I doubt I’d be able to get that while I still work. But I get like £250 a month which isn’t enough to live on ://
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton 🌸🌸
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 258 Rampant Poster
    Must be a sucky feeling to feel like you're getting nowhere with your goal compared to others, though you will make it xo That definitely sounds like a good and meaningful job, it's cool to hear you're gonna sign up to that course:) I understand your concern there though.

    Yeah PIP is that, found a website that explained it: "Personal Independence Payment (PIP) helps with the extra costs of disability or long-term health conditions for people aged 16 to 64. It is a non-means tested benefit. So getting it doesn’t matter how much you earn, or whether you have savings or capital." Haha, so I think you can get that while you're working?



  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 2,905 Mega Poster
    I know I dunno how I’ve only just found out what peer support workers are. Sounds like such a good job. 

    Pip sounds stressful ah
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton 🌸🌸
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 258 Rampant Poster
    Yeah it does. You'd get to really help people, it'd be awesome if you got a job like that :)

    Hm, I get it sounds stressful. I don't hold the best quality knowledge about this stuff haha, if needed though you can read about PIP here (hope link works!) http://www.gov.uk/pip

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 2,905 Mega Poster
    edited January 16
    Omggg I feel so bad. I have been self harming for the past half an hour 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭(i don’t need medical attention & I am safe I think )I don’t feel I self harm a lot so feels like massive thing to me

    i don’t know why but I just feel like everyone hates me and I don’t why I feel so bad but I really hate myself and I feel like I am no one getting no where with no one who cares or have any friends. 😭😭😭😭😭idk the point in why I am alive.

    I think is cause I’ve been on social media and lot today and I just feel like no one and missing out on life. I really want to die. But I am safe ithink
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton 🌸🌸
    kathleen0172
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 258 Rampant Poster
    I'm sorry you're struggling so much, wish we could do something... :pensive:

    I'm glad you think you're safe right now. If that changes though, please don't hesitate to seek help.

    Being honest here, you're not hated x You're cared for and a good person. And you are someone who is going somewhere, even if it doesn't feel that way. I can empathise with your feelings and I know you can't just snap out of them:( all the same though. About self-harming, is there a way you can distract yourself? Maybe an alternative you can do. 

    Social media often lies. How about a break if it's stressing you out? 


    It's late so gotta go to sleep, but take care.

    Hugs <3 

  • ItaliaItalia Posts: 17 Moderator
    edited January 16
    Hey Shaunie,

    I'm sorry your feeling really bad right now.    Your doing really well reaching out and being honest about what you are going through.  Don't under estimate the strength that takes. 

    Echoing what @kathleen0172 said, your a great person Shaunie - In the short time I've been on the boards I've noticed how much you support other people, and it takes a lot of skill and compassion to do this well - and you do it very well.  Its also very clear how much everyone else here cares about you.  

    I am glad to hear you are safe, and please do remember there are lots of places you can reach out if you no longer feel your safe or even just for a chat. 

    Along with the ones you have already been posted, Self Injury Support's text service might be good.  You can message them on 07537 432444 its for women of any age or background affected by self-injury.  They are open Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, 7pm – 9.30pm.

    kathleen0172 said: 
    ...
    Social media often lies. How about a break if it's stressing you out? 

    @kathleen0172 is right, social media does often lie.    It can be a pretty brutal place when your not feeling great about things.  Check out the short vid below, its a nice reminder when social has us feeling down. 



    Take Care 
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 2,905 Mega Poster
    Thank you @kathleen0172 and @Italia ,

    still feeling really bad and want to self harm but really don’t want to cause regret it after. I haven’t heard of self injury support but just texted them and not open atm ah but thank you for helpful link
     & watched that video ahh probably is about accurate which makes me feel better that I may not be messing out on what it looks like but made me kinda sad for our generation aha

    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton 🌸🌸
    kathleen0172Italia
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