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Really fed up and suicidal. MAY TRIGGER

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Comments

  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 845 Incredible Poster
    Shaunie said:
    Thank you.

    Well therapy is quite shitty tbh. Idek how they can call it a type of therapy. When All we do is go round talking about our goal & how it is going & then they get a speaker to talk for the rest. ( a speaker from like a community, like today it was for exercise and they talk about their organisation) Like idek.  

    I said my goal isn’t going great cause I am so suciidal & then they all just looked at me with sympathic eyes & then carried on talking lol. & Like I was thinking okay, no one cares. I can’t see far head let alone a goal so stressing me. And someone started suggestion maybe apprentership if I hate primark that much cause need money. & Later I was  just like well yeah I can say this now but when I get home I’ll just start thinking about dying instead of thinking about my goal.
     I think I was totally depressing and they was all looking at me like wtf shut up you suicidal bitch lol.
    & the OT suggested I keep meeting up with them seperatly to look online with me for apperterships if I find motivation hard by myself. 

    I don’t know just feeling shit because I know soon I will get really suicidal and see no point in living. But part of me wants to do something with my life and not kill myself. And guess no one can help me but myself. But just no one cares about how suicidal I am  😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭suicide just seems to a constant option as soon as things get overwhelming & idk. Sounds weak.  Feel overwhelmed and stuck. I dk what I want to do with my life :(
    Hugs x I care you're suicidal, and really sympathise (we all do), I know it's not enough though <3 It doesn't sound weak btw. I hear you, it sounds difficult to say the least and I can empathise.

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 3,508 Ultimate Poster
    Thank you. Is just idk how safe I can keep myself sometimes & feel like it will only take a spilt second of completeee hopelessness & insense saddness & having the right things to kill myself & I will want to give up completly and will be dead.  Which felt very close on New Year’s Day . They don’t care that’s how I feel and basically just tell me to not be lazy when I am depressed how Can I find motivation & wont even give me meds. 
    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
    kathleen0172
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 845 Incredible Poster
    Shaunie said:
    Thank you. Is just idk how safe I can keep myself sometimes & feel like it will only take a spilt second of completeee hopelessness & insense saddness & having the right things to kill myself & I will want to give up completly and will be dead.  Which felt very close on New Year’s Day . They don’t care that’s how I feel and basically just tell me to not be lazy when I am depressed how Can I find motivation & wont even give me meds. 
    hm:( That really sucks xo

    Can we help in any way? Is there anything in particular you wanna talk through or anything?

  • ItaliaItalia Posts: 40 Moderator
    Hey Shaunie,

    I'm glad you posted.  :)  Sorry to hear that therapy didn't go well today, it sounds super frustrating.  Focusing on goal setting and progress with all of this going on must feel impossible.   

    It sounds like your having the roughest time at the moment.  Its good to see you are still reaching out for help, and going to therapy and talking to your OT - it shows such a strength in you.  These things are not easy at the best of times.  Remember how well you are doing in the midst of this.  

    When you said  "But part of me wants to do something with my life and not kill myself", I wondered what is feeding this thought? 

    Perhaps next time your feeling like you want to do something with your life, try writing down three things which will help you remember this feeling?  Does that sound like something you could do? 

    I hear your feeling really suicidal, and it sounds really overwhelming.  We care, and are here for you. 
    Keep reaching out to all the numbers everyone has suggested, keep posting.  Your not alone.   <3
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 3,508 Ultimate Poster
    edited January 10
    Yeah will try. Thank you. Just don’t know what I want from life. Even when I feel like doing something. All seems pointless
    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
    kathleen0172
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 3,508 Ultimate Poster
    edited January 13
    I don’t know what is wrong with me. I managed to write a CV which felt like I achieved something just writing it all & I felt like I achieved things thinking about things I’ve done in school & stuff. And then skills was kinda hard But guess some of it isn’t lying cause I have gone a little bit more confident I think ah. And I think like yeah I want a life like how I had a life in school & enjoyed school & doing stuff & having friends. 

    but i don’t know what triggers me but a few hours later of doing that like all I wanted was to be dead. I think I’ve realised that reading the news really upsets me and for quite awhile after wards too and think about it a lot and how affected the people involved and think that’s normal? But yeah I can’t handle life so i don’t know what I am doing alive. On my Facebook i follows like my local telegraph thing & local police and should probably unfollow that as always reading it & upsets me. I dk maybe I sound selfish or pathetic dk. 

    Then after work today, I was walking home and i just really wanted to be dead and felt like I didn’t even have much energy to even walk fast. Let alone live life. And I was just feeling so sad thinking that I think I will be dead soon which is sad because people enjoy life but I think i want to die. And it was slightly raining and I felt like crying and I was totally feeling sorry for myself tbh lolll. 

    I guess i just feel like at some point I may have the means to kill myself and get that deserpate feeling that I may just get so angry & hopeless that I’d do it. I know dying may hurt but living really hurts:(
    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
    Arianakathleen0172
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 845 Incredible Poster
    @Shaunie you certainly don't sound selfish or pathetic about the news, if anything that just shows you have a kind heart. The news gets me down too, and I think staying away from it would be a good idea.

    It sounds really desperate and difficult :(

    Shaunie said:
    I guess i just feel like at some point I may have the means to kill myself and get that deserpate feeling that I may just get so angry & hopeless that I’d do it. I know dying may hurt but living really hurts:(

    Do you think you should maybe write a list/plan for if/when you're in crisis? There could be reasons to stay alive in this moment (like pets who need you, you won't feel this way forever, etc), helplines to contact, stuff like that.

    xo

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 3,508 Ultimate Poster
    I have crisis plan but always forget it exists so thanks for reminder ah

    i have group therapy tomorrow again ://. & will say ive looked online & stuff & did a CV which they will probably be surpised at & think that means i havent felt bad  but have.  i dont know just sad & i dont want the group theray to finish next month as i don’t know where id find any motivation by myself & im lonely & feel so bad 😭😭😭😭😭
    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
    kathleen0172
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 845 Incredible Poster
    Good you have a crisis plan. 

    Aw hugs <3 

    I don't suppose there's any groups you could join to kind of replace group therapy? Of course there's always this site if we can help.

    How was today (when therapy's over)? 

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 3,508 Ultimate Poster
    edited January 14
    Thank you.
    Group therapy Felt like I’m kinda getting no where with my goal compared to others. But Generally was okay and was at recovery college room & spoke at the corses for next term and the people who run recover college are peer support workers. And a peer support worker is someone who’s been through mental health themselves and been through the CPFT system some how and then support others who have mental illness. And they work everywhere like hospitals ect

     I mean that sounds like a good job and something I’d be interesting in doing. But doubt I’d be seen as in recovery to get a job like that lol. But  They have a recovery college corse on it the term coming so I am going to sign up to that to learn more about it. 

    And then they was saying something about how I could maybe sign up to PIP or soemthing with I don’t evwn know what is but something to do with getting money from government if have mental illness cause I say how I have no money lol. But I doubt I’d be able to get that while I still work. But I get like £250 a month which isn’t enough to live on ://
    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 845 Incredible Poster
    Must be a sucky feeling to feel like you're getting nowhere with your goal compared to others, though you will make it xo That definitely sounds like a good and meaningful job, it's cool to hear you're gonna sign up to that course:) I understand your concern there though.

    Yeah PIP is that, found a website that explained it: "Personal Independence Payment (PIP) helps with the extra costs of disability or long-term health conditions for people aged 16 to 64. It is a non-means tested benefit. So getting it doesn’t matter how much you earn, or whether you have savings or capital." Haha, so I think you can get that while you're working?



  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 3,508 Ultimate Poster
    I know I dunno how I’ve only just found out what peer support workers are. Sounds like such a good job. 

    Pip sounds stressful ah
    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 845 Incredible Poster
    Yeah it does. You'd get to really help people, it'd be awesome if you got a job like that :)

    Hm, I get it sounds stressful. I don't hold the best quality knowledge about this stuff haha, if needed though you can read about PIP here (hope link works!) http://www.gov.uk/pip

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 3,508 Ultimate Poster
    edited January 16
    Omggg I feel so bad. I have been self harming for the past half an hour 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭(i don’t need medical attention & I am safe I think )I don’t feel I self harm a lot so feels like massive thing to me

    i don’t know why but I just feel like everyone hates me and I don’t why I feel so bad but I really hate myself and I feel like I am no one getting no where with no one who cares or have any friends. 😭😭😭😭😭idk the point in why I am alive.

    I think is cause I’ve been on social media and lot today and I just feel like no one and missing out on life. I really want to die. But I am safe ithink
    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
    kathleen0172
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 845 Incredible Poster
    I'm sorry you're struggling so much, wish we could do something... :pensive:

    I'm glad you think you're safe right now. If that changes though, please don't hesitate to seek help.

    Being honest here, you're not hated x You're cared for and a good person. And you are someone who is going somewhere, even if it doesn't feel that way. I can empathise with your feelings and I know you can't just snap out of them:( all the same though. About self-harming, is there a way you can distract yourself? Maybe an alternative you can do. 

    Social media often lies. How about a break if it's stressing you out? 


    It's late so gotta go to sleep, but take care.

    Hugs <3 

  • ItaliaItalia Posts: 40 Moderator
    edited January 16
    Hey Shaunie,

    I'm sorry your feeling really bad right now.    Your doing really well reaching out and being honest about what you are going through.  Don't under estimate the strength that takes. 

    Echoing what @kathleen0172 said, your a great person Shaunie - In the short time I've been on the boards I've noticed how much you support other people, and it takes a lot of skill and compassion to do this well - and you do it very well.  Its also very clear how much everyone else here cares about you.  

    I am glad to hear you are safe, and please do remember there are lots of places you can reach out if you no longer feel your safe or even just for a chat. 

    Along with the ones you have already been posted, Self Injury Support's text service might be good.  You can message them on 07537 432444 its for women of any age or background affected by self-injury.  They are open Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, 7pm – 9.30pm.

    kathleen0172 said: 
    ...
    Social media often lies. How about a break if it's stressing you out? 

    @kathleen0172 is right, social media does often lie.    It can be a pretty brutal place when your not feeling great about things.  Check out the short vid below, its a nice reminder when social has us feeling down. 



    Take Care 
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 3,508 Ultimate Poster
    Thank you @kathleen0172 and @Italia ,

    still feeling really bad and want to self harm but really don’t want to cause regret it after. I haven’t heard of self injury support but just texted them and not open atm ah but thank you for helpful link
     & watched that video ahh probably is about accurate which makes me feel better that I may not be messing out on what it looks like but made me kinda sad for our generation aha

    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
    kathleen0172Italia
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 3,508 Ultimate Poster
    feel bit better today. been to recovery college this morming and signed up to peer support worker education essential information & signed up to the group interviews which is in March & aftwr group interviews they offer the ones they like for a 1-2-1 interview and ect to train to be a peer support worker stuff which soumds intwresting. i thought i was only goin to sign up to learn about it but can actually start trying to apply there. & signed up to the corses that go with the peersupport worker. now on way to group therapy so atleast i can ive done that this week ah
    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
    kathleen0172
  • ArianaAriana Posts: 193 The Mix convert
    Sounds like a really positive and productive day Shaunie, well done! 
    Shauniekathleen0172
  • AifeAife Posts: 1,471 Moderator
    Shaunie said:
    feel bit better today. been to recovery college this morming and signed up to peer support worker education essential information & signed up to the group interviews which is in March & aftwr group interviews they offer the ones they like for a 1-2-1 interview and ect to train to be a peer support worker stuff which soumds intwresting. i thought i was only goin to sign up to learn about it but can actually start trying to apply there. & signed up to the corses that go with the peersupport worker. now on way to group therapy so atleast i can ive done that this week ah

    Hey Shaunie,

    Great to hear you're feeling a little better today :) 

    The peer support worker course sounds really interesting and really great they help with the application process too. Hope group therapy goes okay today. Let us know how you get on <3

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 3,508 Ultimate Poster
    thank you @Ariana and @Aife

    group therapy was okay. spoke about stuff weve done & stuff & they was happy that i went & signed up to the peer thing. & then we had a speaker from a college who do free college corse which mostof them have already signed up for. it was like things like level 2 award in listening or mental health & only 8 sessions with no exams to get it. and they work with the job centre. so i was like im not on benefits and i have a part time but its only 8 hours a week like can i still sign up. and she said yeah if only 8. but i dont see how would if not on benefits so should pay for my own education. but emailed them anyway. and the OTs and social worker keep saying i should be on benefits anyway but dont think should be

    and on thursday i see my CC & she rang me to make the appiintment and the first thing she asked was if ive been to to my GP😒😒 cause abuse laxatives. i was just like no and she said will speak about it. so embarrassing. dont want to lol.  then after that appointment i see the OT straight after and we going to look into apprecieships and ring or email age uk about their voluterring. 

    kinda stressful
    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
    Aife
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 4,971 Supreme Poster
    Sending hugs Shaunie, :heart:


    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • CarolineVCarolineV Posts: 67 Moderator
    Hi Shaunie

    I hope things are going okay for you today.

    I'm glad that group therapy was okay, the college course sounds really interesting. It seems like you have a few people discussing career options with you and it's a stressful, which is totally understandable. I hope you're able to take things at your own pace, and that you find an option that you're excited about.

    Sending hugs
    Caroline <3
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 3,508 Ultimate Poster
    Thank you

    yeah is stressful

    Saw CC today and spoke a lot about eating disorder & laxative misuse and how ive been in less crisis which cant tell if cause DBT helped or because my focus is on my weight or because i hate how embarrassing my crisis got. I think its how embarrasing my crisis were. But said she thinks i am depressed and needs meds eventho might overdose and taking laxatives so much may mean is pointlessaa flushes it out and so
    embarrassinf. But shes nice and said she will speak to the one who gives meds. Then talked about it soon being discharge amd how she doesnt want it to come as a shock. Do not wamt to speak about discharge😭😭😭cant cope by myself. 

    But saw OT after and we did "option analysis". And wrote out all my options and what comes to my head when thinking anout it. And working at primark or a different job for rest of life is "rather die" so that wasnt an option lol. I said i dont want a dead end job but dont think i can do anything else. And she was like "what, you have it all - youre kind, compassionate, gentle, clever..." so i iust laughed.  Lol. but before Monday i meed to rimg a person back about their voluterring and ring a place about appertercships. Told her about how much i hate phone cals so i think she thinks i may not do it lol so will try aha
    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
    kathleen0172
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 3,508 Ultimate Poster
    I have group therapy at 1.30. Dont want to go because then afterwards it will be another one that has finished and then will keep getting closer to discharge. And they will probably discharge me even if i dont reach my goal and i cant find motivtion with zero support and i cant stay workin at primark and hardly having no money. & will want to kill myself
    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
    kathleen0172
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 479 Rampant Poster
    Hey @Shaunie

    Do they put a limit on how many group therapy you can go to, or can you go until you discharge yourself? Sorry not sure how it works, but I'd be really shocked if they just push you out the door before you want to/ reach the goals you have discussed. Sounds like your last group therapy session was really positive with the guest speaker and the chats about volunteering, has this gone any further or will you go over this more in today's session? 

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 3,508 Ultimate Poster
    edited January 29
    No havent gone much further. Why am i finding it so hard to even find a voluteer place. Lol. Fuck up. 

    Group therapy isnt that helpful. Tbh. All they do is tell us about charities that we can be more sociable with if wanted or could help. I mean i could probably google it myself instead of listening to people speak tbh. But yeah. Feel havent gotten very far since therapy. they do just discharge me after & cant ask for longer or anythin. And only have 3 sessions left 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭they said maybe recovery college could help me carry on trying to get my goal. But i really doubt that

    the only thing i feel i have done since therapy is sign up to the peer support worker course. Which im excited about but scared. 

     

    Im confused of it "book" means i can go? They wrote this last time and meant could go but still confused. I think it means it cause they wrote it last time but to me "book" means waiting to see if signed up. But anyway hopefully it means i can go to it and they wouldnt let me sign up to it if being a peer support worker was totally out of the question if they have accepted the group interviews. & i signed up to 'being more confident' which has nothingto do with the peer support (PEP) but thought may help anyway. This is the last PEP corse thing theyre doing where i live for this year & would really like to be one but dont feel id get far. And tbey will have older people who would seem more clever and experience in mental health than me. (& ive not tooken a picture of somethint i shouldnt lol. The dates and times are all on my local nhs website anyways)
    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 3,508 Ultimate Poster
    Dont think anyone cares. But anyway going to update anyway. 

    I have 3 group therapy sessions left and very sad. 

    Very stress cause havent got far with my goals i have been trying but places are so hard to get hold of contact on. I just feel hopeless. And dont see point in trying anymore. I need money to get anywhere. 

    But i am trying to claim PIP atm but feel they may reject since i have been living like this for ages. But my Dad pays for most of my stuff and he is starting to struggle with money and i need money to get go into education or anything. 

    And i am just feeling really bad in general and really hating myself for having sex with someone and i feel disgusting for having sex with people im not in a relationship with and just hate myself and feel disgusting and i didnt want it but i forced myself and i don’t know why. He didnt force me at all though. I dk what is wrong with me. 
    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
    kathleen0172Lucy307
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 3,508 Ultimate Poster
    edited February 4
    Omg i am feeling so awful

    And i have a meds review on Tuesday. I feel like i forced them to give me that. But thats like the only hope i have atm. Even tho i know meds arent that helpful. I have to say the right things otherwise they wont risk it. 


    And i have group therapy tomorrow. And i don’t know what i will say. All ive done is ring a few people and sent off stuff for PIP. & omg after tomorrow there will only be 2 sessions after that and then one and then none 😭😭😭😭

    but i have put my interest into volunteering with samaratians.

    Which i am not sure why. Tbh But i was just - interested. They asked questions like “would you be okay readin/hearing someone is killing themselves but you cant do anything” of corse i wouldnt be okay with that but i put yes anyway. And They sent me an email for their invitation morning information meeting thing. And now i don’t know if i should email back to comfirm i will go or not. And i don’t know if this is something i should mention in group therapy tomorrow as i dont want people to ask me why i choose to think about voluntering with Samaratians 

    And the guy i had sex with asked if i want to come round his for dinner. I said to him right from the start i only want sex. But he seems to really like me more than that. And i don’t know what to say. And i dont want to lead him on. I dk if i like him like that. Because I dont want a relationship. and i dont want to just be a girl who only wants sex have no idea how to reply. I shouldnt have meet his parents as probably didnt help but didnt have much chioce. But definetly shouldnt of went subway with him. I am so disgusting.

    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
    kathleen0172
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 Posts: 845 Incredible Poster
    Heyyy, wanted to send hugs and love <3 Sorry you're feeling awful.

    It sounds like you're really unhappy about group therapy ending:( 

    I think it's pretty cool you're interested in volunteering with Samaritans. It could be quite tough though so remember to think of your feelings x

    Hm, I guess you don't want to lead him on. If want to it's okay to say no, maybe just kindly but firmly your feelings. Also you're def not disgusting. 

    Hope you have at least a relatively good night x 

    Shaunie
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