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They rang me & Group therapy is cancelled for today.
maybe i will go to samaratians volunteer information meeting thing - will be interesting & doesnt mean have to commit. But i don’t know
And i just releasised that peer support worker course starts next tuesday. Omg scaredd. Would so love to get somewhere with that. But definetly feel like i wont be making it to the 121 interviews as im young and will think im stupid compared to others. Cause lot of older people was at the induction. Not that age shows intelligance i don’t know
Think going to the Samaritans meeting could be good. May help you think about it. No pressure though. Also that really sucks about group therapy x
Wishing you luck with the peer support course! Though it's understandable you're scared.
Let us know how the meds review tomorrow goes.
Peer support course sounds amazing, is that next week? How does it work with interviews? Also I think you'd be great with Samaritans, hope you manage to get to see them soon too
- Lucy
My meds review took so long but will be a few weeks til can go on antidepressant. Didnt like the appiontment tbh. Got a vibe that is my own fault am depressed and low motivation if i do nothing. Well yeah i do nothing cause i have no motitvation and said like meds cant help only myself. And said if been depressed for long time will be harder. What so is this my personalty.
But anyway she said i need blood tests to see how my anemia is before she give me Floxatine. As could be treating the wrong thing as anemia gives low energy. Well yeah dont suppose it can make me want to kill myself too 😒. And need to check my heart cause laxative use. And was proper embarrasing the questions to was asking for laxative use looool.
. And would need to collect the meds twice a week. So dont overdose. Omg dont leave my house that much. Lol. What happened to once a week. Ffs.
But anyway guess its better than no meds. But still thats going to take a good few weeks
I don’t know why but the appiontment made me feel so shit
Yeah. I think everyone who has signed up and have things that can be to be a peer support worker eg maths & english GCSEs and stuff can go to group interview and then they invite people they like to 1-2-1 interview to start more training and be a peer support worker student but i don’t know tbh ah. Thats what i think i remember being told anyway ah
And I just really feel like I would feel more clean if I ate properly with better food and then I can avoid binge eating and purging. But can be healthy and "clean" and wouldn't make me less disgusting
so I'm going to go out and get "clean" foods and healthy foods. Instead of trying to completely restrict
but what I would ive always really liked to do is drink lots of water as literally my dog drinks more water than me. But I don't, as it is complicated and probably won't make sense but it ends up me being triggered of my trauma more.
Group therapy will finsih soon then I will be discharged and I've got no where with things and worse than how I started - knowing I've got no where. No one cares and beyond help. Everyone's getting on with their lives and I am just a fuck up who wasting a life feeling sad. And feel like dying with hope be reincarnated into someone who can actually have a life
**** Iam aware no one will actually read this. Which is okay don't expect anyone to use their time. but I didn't want to write it to myself. Dk if is meant to help but wanted to try**** please do ignore just is here for own selfish reasons
I'm trying to accept things in a none self distructive compulsive way & not say how much I hate myself for it
He seemed really nice at first. Meet up loads of times that was casual and didn't involve anything weird and we decide to be in a relationship. Though it was quite secretive with only his friends and my friends knowing. I enjoyed it cause I ended up speaking to a lot more people from my year as he had a few friends he trusted. But he was a Sikh & he said his family wouldn't like him to be seen with a girl as when he is older he only want to look after his mum and live with her as that is what Sikh families do. But he didn't know if he wanted that.
I knew I didn't like it but didn't think it was abuse until he started touching me. after school and we went to the woods. It started touching outside of my skirt near my vagina. I just said stop. He carried on. Until I could do anything because he was really strong and before I know it he was fingering me when I really didn't want it and just bled. I just remember feeling like I zoned out, I couldn't focus on anything and didn't know what to do and it all went so slow but so fast. I got home & my vagina hurt so bad that it hurt to seat down. My mind was a mess and I was feeling pain everywhere. Then I tried to kill myself for the first time. I remember being in hospital overnight & my family tellin them that I had meet up with a friend & that my friend must be bad. I felt awful because it wasn't the friend they thought it was. So I said it had nothing to do with it. But I had the chance to tell them everything then & there but I didn't. I was stil confused on what was actually happening. Though I started seeing CAMHS in the same week & I slightly opened up and they refereed me to NSPCC. I was with the NSPCC for a year rather than the usual 6 months. & so grateful for their help but I regret never fullying telling them everything.
After the first time he forced fingered me. He told me we wouldn't do it again if i dont like it but just wanted to make me happy. And that he only has best intentions to help me getting out of my comfort zone to be less fridgid and get confidence. But would stop. I was stupid enough to believe this everytime about how he was only putting me first & how he "loved" me. My home life was very neglected and I didn't even have the basic needs which I let him know & I dunno if he knew what he was doing but he used it to manipluated me.
I went round his for first time when his parents wasn't there & I just wanted to see his dogs. He was so parniod his neighbours would see me going in that we went round the back of his house. We sat on his bed. It was straight after school again & i was pretty tired & didn't want to do anything. First few minutes was spend looking round his room & talking about that. He started touching my body again. And I said I am i not frigid. I am tired. He carried on taking my top off until he got to my under wear. He would laugh while he was doing it saying " I know you want it really" "stop playing hard to get" I would say stop. I must of said it about 30 times that night. While he laughed the whole way through. It took a while but my clothes all was off me and I felt the most vulnerable ever. He put his condom on & got my arms and pinned me against the bed. While trying to shove his dick in me and was bleeding all over his bed. It hurt so bad but he did not care at all. It was like he had some mental block everytime he was turned on and couldn't hear anything other than his sexual desires.
He raped me many times after that. I didn't know how to leave the relationship. I thought he was the only one who liked me and paid any attention to me. He controlled me & I can look back now and say how fucked up i was to stay. But I was so confused. And My home life was so awful that I didn't have access to a shower and I could use his. And he told me I would never find any one who loves me as much as he does.
This is where gets more disgusting. he vaguely asked me whether I would ever take part in "golden showers" meaning pee on each other's for sexual pleasure. I said i don’t know. And spoke about it but i didnt think that much of it - thought is different. But maybe disgusting and wouldn't actually do it myself. He said he has a free house as his family are going away on hoilday for few days so could stay for few hours. I always told my family I was seeing my friend. When I was at his. For few hours he didnt force anything we just watched TV. But he kept preaching about how good water if for me and wondering why I don't drink that much. So then i did question maybe i should drink more water so I did. So then later. I was pretty shy to even ask to use his toilet when I needed a wee so I just said maybe should go home as getting late. But he convinced me not to. So then asked where his toilet was. He said I can't use it atm as being bleached & not working well & needs longer. So then I was just like I will just go home then.
Then I started feeling something was going on. I tried to leave and he had locked us in. I started to freak out about being locked in and he got angry saying I couldnt leave and that I should want to be with his company. So after convincing me to stay& that being locked in was normal. I said I need a wee so i don't care about your beached toilet. The toilet was also locked. Then I started replaying the golden showers messages & finally realise what he was trying. And that there was going to be no way out but to do everything he wanted and it was the most stuck feeling. I said I knew what he was doing and that I don't want to but he said if I love him I would do it. We argue a bit but I didn't have any energy to argue or find a way out - while needing a wee and so I did my best to distract my mind.
I was sitting up right on his bed & he was would turn me so he would be in front of me. He was touching all over my body. And then he would touch right above my vagina but below my stomach of where my bladder it. He pressed so hard down on it. And it hurt so bad and made my body so go hot and was so hard to breath. He kept doing it while asking if it turned me on. I just said how much it was hurting my bladder and that I feel could hold it in & said I will wee all over his bed. He got turned on more by me saying that - which meant he got more forceful. So he grabbed me and put me his is bath and then made me sit over him. And carried on pressing hard down on my stomach. It made my body so hot & I couldn't handle it or hold it any longer and remember thinking it was going to happen no matter what I try. And ended up weeing on top of him. In the clothes I was wearing. I felt so sick and I could tell if it was from not peeing for so long or because I was so disgustigwith my self. He then made me wank him off while we both had wee on ourselves & I just felt so dirty. After I wanked him off he then weed on me. And I wanted to die there and then. The only way I could describe it was the feeling of being suffocated and hard to breath that when being suffocated you don't have much control and feel will end up with the worst no matter what you do then end up giving up. And is only way can describe it.
I didn't even know how long I could be there but knew his family wasn't gone on hoilday forever. But It didn't stop me from thinking there was never going to be an end.
He then took my clothes for the wash and was naked until the wash had completly finished and it was the longest Saturday. I got some sleep. But by the time I woke up I needed a wee again. I wanted to not drink anything. But he told me if I didn't drink he would share pictures of me naked that he took when I was asleep. So I ended up drinking more and more water and then really needing to wee again and the same thing would happen. He loved me feeling embarrassed and being deserpate and him having control and the humilation. He did it Over and over until the third day on which I could finally leave.
I felt so free as soon as I left. Like I had been there for years. I went home and I just really wanted to kill myself but I didn't. I did harm myself. And I just threw up. I had to tell my sisters that it was probably something that I ate at my friends. I could still feel like his hands was still on my stomach and I just felt so disgusting and sick everytime I went for a wee and I was getting blood in my wee - not much has changed. I still feel disgusting everytime I go for a wee and just relate it to being something shameful and humilating.
And I have tried to kill myself in the exact same woods a few times.
I took control of everything after that & the NSPCC taught me how to leave an abusive relationship and how to see the signs of one.
You're so brave for sharing this with us all, I know this must have taken a lot of strength and courage to do. How are you feeling after writing this out?
I also wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about everything you had to go through. No one should ever be treated this way or have to go through something like this. It's really brave you took control of everything after what happened. One of the hardest things is leaving an abusive relationship so really well done for finding the strength to leave. You are so strong for doing this and have come so far this year. We are all so proud of you
It sounds like you're feeling a bit worried about your group therapy ending which is understandable. This can be a really difficult time but it's really good you're on the waiting list for rape counselling. How would you feel about emailing them to let them know when your last therapy session ends? Perhaps they can arrange for you to start your first counselling session with them quite soon when your group therapy finishes.
I hope group therapy goes okay today. Let us know how it goes
Just seen your post and didn't want to leave without saying anything. I just am so proud of you, for posting this and for fighting every day against your past. I know how hard it is for you to share this, as you have struggled to even say parts of it in chat. I hope it has helped you to get it all down on paper (well screen lol). I really hope that you give rape crisis a chance to help you, I found them to be really kind and supportive when I had a counsellor from there. I understand it is so ridiculously hard to open up about abuse... as I struggle to say my traumas in any detail.... so you have been really brave. I just want to add as well, cos I know you have often said in chat that you are disgusting, but from reading that I didn't once think that about you; I felt really sad for you, and angry at him for hurting you like that. It should never have happened, and you are not to blame (although I know it can be hard to believe this). You were a VICTIM in this but today you are a SURVIVOR. You are stronger than you realise, and I am privileged to know you
lots of love and hugs,
Jelly x
aw thank you all so much!! @kathleen0172 @Aife @Jellyelephant
really made me feel better and Very encoraging
tbh while writing it i just kept thinking about all the times i could of left him. but then i just kept reminding myself everythin the NSPCC taught me about abusers & their control. as found lots of old papers on it the other day.
i really wanted to see if id be able to read this back at different time but tried. as just really want to accept everythin but i can feel my heart go faster just by looking so maybe other time
group therapy was okay, had another organsiation come in & i signed up to free corse for mental health awareness level 1. is one day a week for six weeks but she said will text me to confirm. tbh i dont care about the qualification.im just lonely, group therapy is like my most sociable thing & will end & just want to build my confidence up & speak to new people. the Ots said have got far this year but dont feel as have
Atm i am at the first part of the first part of peer support education program (PEP) on break
quite scared & dont feel that well again it is good though, and am speaking & pretending i aint anxious lol
so many people tho
& have another one one thursday
and think will enail rape counselling when get home
I'm glad that people's responses made you feel better, we're a good bunch aren't we?
Every time I read your thread I'm so impressed at all the things you're signing up for, it's great that you're willing to give some these things a go, even though you're feeling anxious about them. Like you said these things are a great way to meet people too.
How did the rest of the PEP go? Did you learn anything interesting?
Caroline
i do actually feel proud of myself now. ah i feel like i am feeling a lot more confident in speaking to people ive never meet before. before would too anxious to speak much and would stutter when would.
i feel really better for it now. has finished & reallly liked it.
we learnt about recovery - what it is and how they speak to peers and how the language you use it important and person based but dont change their lanague/interpuration on things.
expect there is like 35 people who signed up(i think) & they can only carry maybe about 12 people for indiviaul interviews. have feeling i wont be one of them just by observing lol but positive & helpful either way.
and tomrrow im going to a place called the green back yard with social worker and someone else from the group. dunno if would like it only said cause will go cause the person in group didnt want to be only one. but is a free sociable thing
still feel my breathing is slightly faster and feel still trying ro ground mysel a bit 😭😭😭😭.
omg i even want to die so why am i have dreams of trying not to die. natural human insticts 😭
im so confused
i dont want to go out today
and i dont even have any energy to even type much now. too sad and suicidal
one day i feel okay. next i just want to be dead. not worth it
tomorrow (today - should stop posting past 12am ah) i have another part of the peer support education/employment program. then the next are in March. Tomorrow is on wellness planning which idk what that is. ive searched it on google & idk if it is a plan for yourself or for employment. i will know tomorrow but kinda like knowing before.
but anyway. the group will mostly be with different people. as the tuesday group - most people was doing the wellness planning on the same day.
but will be able to meet/ see new people. But on tuesday i felt like the youngest one there. felt like everyone else was aged like 30-50. tho im not very good at guessing ages. but i told that to my sister that & i was like - so i dont think they will want a kid to be a peer support worker so probably will get no where as maybe stupid to others. but she was like - not nessically cause they may want younger person to relate to the younger people with mental illness. which guess does have a point. but i feel stupid compared to others. & can barely look after myself let alone others & theyd probably end up finding that out lol so maybe pointless. but helping others helps self aswell.
had a nap but still sooo tired.
and also next week isnt my last group therapy session and they do extend the therapy if they cancel one. so i have two left. but still feels like nothing 😭
Having that knowledge and experience and being able to apply it to your own situations are two very different things, @Shaunie.
Even if you are a bit younger than most of them, you're a human being with valuable experience and insights that you can use to help others (something you do all the time here). If anything, being younger could mean you're more open-minded (I'm actually pretty sure that's a genuine thing about brain-development), which is huge for recovery and helping others through it.
Which one do you think would be more valuable for you? It sucks they're on the same day - how annoying!
Super proud of you for getting to this point, by the way. Regardless of what happens when you're discharged (I noticed your other thread), you've achieved a huge amount by staying integrated with support up to now and that's never going to change. Half the battle with recovery is having the energy and willpower to keep learning and keep trying to overcome your barriers, and you're obviously a very determined and capable person.
i did email duty team to say i have PEP thing same day as moving forward workshop & she rang me & said it is okay and she can give me the papers that they will talk about & then ring me & will speak through them. Which is nice. Just really wanted to go. But there is two of them & can go to the first one.
I Gues the service has helped me. In sense that that i get into less crisis' and manage emotions bit better. And started trying to sort my life out. Just kinda feel pressured now.
Though last night i felt soooooo bad. I thought i was going to kill myself.
I used crisis messager twice - tho that sometimes stresses me out as scared they will break confidenality but made sure they wouldnt ah.
And i think i know what triggered me which now i look back & is v pathetic so dont want to say. But i guess also bpd makes me so sensitive and what my family think is "hornomal" so it does feel like hell when i am on my period lol. Was very emotional & sensitive & just really wanted to kil myself
And we was talking about PIP (personal indepence payment and i said that they asking me to fill i a form and she said she will do my support letter. But she said about 75% of the time they decline it. But you just keep doing it or something or may need assesment. Sounds so stressful and takes forever. No wonder havent done before.
And i was soo suprised when she said she will think i will get somewhere with the PEP(peer employment program). And she said she think ive grown so much more confidence. Think have got more confidence but dont will get anywhere with PEP