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Really fed up and suicidal. MAY TRIGGER

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  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank yous. Don’t like phone calls so don’t use other places. 

    I have BPD too. But I’m forever suicidal. Not mood swings they just diagnosed me it so they can ignore how suicidal I am
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Fruit loop Deactivated Posts: 2,762 Boards Guru
    Sorry to hear that Shaunie xo

    Remember we're here for you ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited January 2019
    Been really suicidal & been planing my death but don’t have an actual plan just been thinking a lot about it  and been using samaratians but yeah they ain’t really listening to me when I tell them to ignore me and they’re still replying ://///


    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited January 2019
    My Family are finding it hard to find money for the funereal for my Nan & I wish i could help but I can’t and as selfish as it sounds but I just keep thinking I hope that won’t be stressed with money if I kill myself
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 193 Trailblazer
    Sorry to see you're struggling so much today @Shaunie
    I think it's really good that the Samaritans keep replying to you. As they say, you are important, you are worthy, and you matter, even if you don't think you do right now. 

    I'm also sure that if you were to kill yourself, money would be the last thing on your family's mind. They'd be devastated. And I'm sure your nan wouldn't want that either. She would want you to keep going knowing that one day things are going to be better for you. I know it's really hard to see that right now, but some of the best days of your life haven't happened yet (statistically they can't have!) so there will be good things in your future, it's just a case of pushing through the dark times until you get there (though I know that's easier said than done).

    I expect recent events are also making you feel completely overwhelmed, so it's natural for these kind of thoughts to come up more at a time like this. They always creep up on us when the bad stuff hits. But that's all the more reason for you to be kind to yourself and give yourself some time to come to terms with what's happened. Grief is a really difficult thing to work through even for people who don't have mental health problems on top. So please go easy on yourself. You are doing the best you can.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited January 2019
    Thank you. Just really stressed.
     I didn’t get chance to see my Nan last time before she passed away and last time I did see her was a few months ago which I am feeling bad that it was so long along and I remember that day at how upset she was when we all left her and how she loved lots of company. But am glad it was a few hours after she passed away when she was getting ill,knowing it was going to happen and not days like they said it was. It happened fast but glad she wasn’t suffering so bad for days. And need to go to Hastings as where the funereal will be but we don’t know how we are going to get there and stuff and I have literally no money til a few weeks but need travel money and to buy something to wear for funereal. And I don’t think I want to see her a the rest of chapel and feel bad about that aswell. 


    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited January 2019
    And I saw the OT when said I would and that was stressful and have forgotten what my goal is atm. I don’t know if I want to voluterr anymore and i don’t know if I am thinking that cause I am suicidal or what but i don’t know if I want to go back to education. But can’t afford it anyway and just feel bad I am feeling so suicidal when my Nan has just died and I’m willingly wanting To die
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭I want to die. The small things seems like so much effort and don’t know why I’m alive or the point in staying
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 193 Trailblazer
    Ah @Shaunie your poor mind sounds to be putting so much on you right now! In terms of travel and money for funeral clothes do you think maybe your parents could help you out? It's okay to not want to go. I don't think anybody really wants to go to funerals, so please don't feel bad or wrong for that.

    I definitely relate to the small things seeming like so much effort. I struggle to do anything because of how bad my anxiety is, even stuff normal people do every day and never think twice about.

    I don't think you need to decide on work goals or education right now. Maybe once your head's in a slightly better place you'll have more of a feeling for what route you want to go down. If money is an issue there might be some grants or something you could apply for. It's really hard to see a future for ourselves when we're feeling like this, so try not to pressure yourself too much and take one day at a time. 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited January 2019
    I do want to go to the funereal. I just don’t want to go to the chapel of rest and see her body. My sister says she can give me money and I pay her back but that always happens and I feel bad

    Thanks yeah. Is just stressful cause I have group therapy on Monday and will need to speak about my goals as it’s occuptional based. But i cant see that far ahead
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 193 Trailblazer
    Ah I can definitely understand that. I would find that really difficult too. You sort of want to remember them as living and happy, not like that don't you. Would your family be accepting if you said you didn't want to do that bit?

    Speaking about goals is really hard when you feel like you have no future. I hope they can come up with something helpful for you, but I'm sure they'll be understanding if you say your nan's just died and you're not really able to think straight at the moment. Maybe best to just be honest with them if you can.
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,612 Part of The Furniture
    edited September 18
    Echoing @Past User, do you think your family would mind if you opted out of going to the chapel?

    People respond to grief and mourning in different ways. I have a friend that didn't go to either of their grandparents' funerals. Whether you want to go the funeral but not the chapel, you just want to go the wake (if there is one), or if you'd rather not do any of it, you have the right to make that decision for yourself. Only you know what works for you. :)

    Can you afford to pay your sister back if she does lend you money? Conscious that that could add more stress if not, but if she's offering and it's something you reckon will work, that could be a good solution to the funeral issue.

    Take care and let us know how group therapy goes on Monday. Try not to take on more than you can manage, and if you'd rather put goals out of your mind while you process the other stuff, I'd imagine they'd be understanding of that. :)
    Post edited by TheMix on
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
    The truth resists simplicity.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 18
    Thank you @Past User & @Mike

    will have to use my sisters money otherwise can’t go and then pay her back. And this is not including any of this but I already owe her £75 loll fuck knows how that happened. I told my family I wouldn’t want to go to the rest of chapel and they seem okay with it. Tbh I really don’t want to go to the funereal as I just hate them and I know sounds selfish:/ and my family will defiently not be okay with that and would hate me if I said that
    Post edited by TheMix on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit








    I AM SO FUCKING PISSED OF WITH SAMARITANS. WHY DOES NO ONE WANT TO FUCKING LISTEN TO ME.  😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    I’ve even removed them from my contacts. Lol. I send them massive paragraphs and they just go like “how are you feeling” or they say something like “do you want to end the pain or die” um you’re meant to listen 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 193 Trailblazer
    Hugs @Shaunie this is exactly the experience I had the one and only time I tried messaging the samaritans unfortunately. Just a load of generic "how are you feeling", "we're here for you" stuff, but they didn't actually listen to what I said and refused to offer any advice or suggestions, which was what I desperately needed at the time. Have you tried the crisis messenger on here? I haven't (still quite new) but wondering if is any better or worth a go? So sorry you're struggling so much. Sending you strength xx
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    They’re so rude so upset. Literally could not believe they ignored me everytime and asked a question completly different & about something I asked before but not listen to what I am sayin now every single time 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭not using it anymore so will probably have to put up with me seeking more support on here lol kill me 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    You can seek as much support on here as you need, we're all here. And I'm sorry you're struggling and Samaritans aren't helping. Please do feel free to use crisis messenger <3 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    They apologised and started to ask questions about it not ignore it. As it is a genuie serious problem.

    I feel bad I called them asseholes
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 193 Trailblazer
    Shaunie said:
    They apologised and started to ask questions about it not ignore it. As it is a genuie serious problem.

    I feel bad I called them asseholes
    Really glad they've started to listen to you Shaunie.

    I'm sure a simple apology is fine for the assholes bit. They must get worse than that and they will understand that you were very upset at the time. xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    hey shaunie, 

    Just wanted to echo what has already been said here, and also send you some hugs, :heart:


  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I feel so bad. Left work early cause I feel so bad. I really want to kil myself. Feel like crying and then killing myself
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    edited January 2019
    Shaunie said:
    I feel so bad. Left work early cause I feel so bad. I really want to kil myself. Feel like crying and then killing myself
    sending hugs :heart:

    if your feeling really suicidal it may be worth going to your local accident and emergency or contacting emergency services, sorry your struggling so much, we care about you 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Never go to A&E for mental health. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Shaunie said:
    Never go to A&E for mental health. 
    How come? 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited January 2019
    Am just going to go home and hope to fall asleep soon. Then have group therapy tomorrow then after the session am going to speak to the OT again about how suicidal I am. Or just say it in the group tho don’t want to be the depressing one but I feel so suciidal 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭don’t see. The point in living anymore I can’t get anywhere. Have tried and want to give up
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    edited January 2019
    Hey Shaunie,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your Nan. I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and your family <3

    It sounds like you've been really struggling this last week. Really well done for continuing to reach out to Samaritans even though they weren't listening to you. It's great they are starting to listen to you a bit more now. Do you feel like you can text them again today to talk through how you're feeling? 

    I hope you manage to find some time to relax this evening. Keep fighting, we're all here for you and care about you so much <3

    I also hope group therapy goes okay tomorrow. Let us know how you get on :) 
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,202 Part of The Furniture
    edited January 2019
    Hey Shaunie if you feel like you don’t want to use smaritans texting anymore there’s always The Mix - 85258 or there’s Hopeline/Papyrus - 
    07786209697.

    I’m sure these have already been mentioned but I thought I’d give you then again 💖

    Stay strong buddy xx
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you v much @Aife & @Bannanonkey & @Millie2787 , hope therapy tomorrow goes okay too
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
    HI @Shaunie

    I'm sorry to hear about the tough time you've been having recently. It's really good to see you talking to Samaritans and sharing on here. We're here to listen and hope to hear from you after therapy tomorrow. I hope it goes well.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited January 2019
    Thank you.

    Well therapy is quite shitty tbh. Idek how they can call it a type of therapy. When All we do is go round talking about our goal & how it is going & then they get a speaker to talk for the rest. ( a speaker from like a community, like today it was for exercise and they talk about their organisation) Like idek.  

    I said my goal isn’t going great cause I am so suciidal & then they all just looked at me with sympathic eyes & then carried on talking lol. & Like I was thinking okay, no one cares. I can’t see far head let alone a goal so stressing me. And someone started suggestion maybe apprentership if I hate primark that much cause need money. & Later I was  just like well yeah I can say this now but when I get home I’ll just start thinking about dying instead of thinking about my goal.
     I think I was totally depressing and they was all looking at me like wtf shut up you suicidal bitch lol.
    & the OT suggested I keep meeting up with them seperatly to look online with me for apperterships if I find motivation hard by myself. 

    I don’t know just feeling shit because I know soon I will get really suicidal and see no point in living.   But part of me wants to do something with my life and not kill myself. And guess no one can help me but myself. But just no one cares about how suicidal I am  😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭suicide just seems to a constant option as soon as things get overwhelming & idk. Sounds weak.  Feel overwhelmed and stuck. I dk what I want to do with my life :(
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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