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Really fed up and suicidal. MAY TRIGGER

SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
edited December 2018 in Health & Wellbeing
Help
I feel awful. I’ve woken up planing my death because I just don’t want to live another year. (Don’t have actual clear plan atm) Hate the end of the year I just don’t think I’m getting any where and never will and too overwhelmed. Just don’t know how long I can be bothered to do this anymore. Im so sad. I can’t help but keep thinking about ways to die and when I could possibly do it and how I’d write my suicide note and how I’d be able to finally rest in peace and not be here feeling like this 
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Hey shaunie, 

    Firstly sorry your feeling like this and struggling. Your not alone we are here for you :heart:

    If your not feeling safe and struggling there are people who could help you, people who can support you. Your not alone. 

    We are here for you if you want to talk about things. 

    Sending hugs


  • Former MemberFormer Member Fruit loop Deactivated Posts: 2,762 Boards Guru
    Sending hugs Shaunie ❤
    remember we're all here for you and the crisis messenger is still active over the holidays xo
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Hey Shaunie, 

    Echoing Laine and BananaMonkey. And I really sympathise, it sounds like you're struggling a lot:( 

    Is there anything in your life that's stressing you and setting off/adding to these feelings? Or is it all purely from within if you get what I mean? 

    Sending virtual hug. I just want to remind you that no matter who you are and no matter what you're feeling, dying isn't the way <3 

    Don't hesitate to reach out to a doctor or a helpline if you need to

    Best wishes xo 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Deactivated Posts: 9 Confirmed not a robot
    edited September 18
    Hey @Shaunie

    It’s great that you’re talking to us here and everyone above is very supportive. We are all here for you!

    As @Past User said, the Crisis messenger is still available over the festive period. Crisis Messenger are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text 'THEMIX' to 85258 if you are feeling in crisis.

    Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.

    Sending lots of good wishes!

    Scott
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl

    Hey @Shaunie


    Just to echo everybody else's comments above, we're all here for you and care about you, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling today, how are you feeling this evening?


    If you want to talk or vent just keep on posting, there are lots of us listening :)<3


    Sending hugs


    - Lucy

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you all. 

    Is just really pathetic but don’t think have lot of confidence to get anywhere with my life and a quite shy person and i don’t know just want to die. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl

    Totally not pathetic, @Shaunie


    Have you had a break from work over Xmas? Has it been alright?

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    No had work yesterday:(. I haven’t even sent the email to the voluter place like I said I would to the OT & I see the OT On the 31. But I don’t see the point anymore I’m gettting so suicidal again I just think i May be dead soon so what’s the point 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    & I will be meeting up with the OT in Asda cafe lol I won’t be able to tell her how shit I feel in that environment & dont even wanna go
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Fruit loop Deactivated Posts: 2,762 Boards Guru
    Can you email or contact them? Tell them how you feel about it?  I did once when someone asked to meet in costa and we changed it to something better xo
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I can’t do it. Thoughts of suicide are so bad right now that I can’t sleep because I’m just consumed by the hows & when’s :’( I don’t want to die but no other way out & I can’t do this anymore. It’s sad cause life can be good but clearly not for all

    (I’m safe right now)
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Hey Shaunie, sending hugs :heart:

    Does it help talking things through here, we are always here for you,

    It's reassuring to know your feeling safe right now, if that does change please seek medical help, we are here for you though to talk things through :heart:


  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I have no energy. Want to die :(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I feel really bad to be saying I want to die 😭 you are probably thinking I am weak and not trying hard enough. Honestly wish I would be saying how great my life is but isnt and feel so shit
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Fruit loop Deactivated Posts: 2,762 Boards Guru
    We absolutely don't think you are weak and we especially don't believe you are not trying hard enough xo

    We are here for you and we definitely recognise your efforts ❤
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    @Shaunie hey, sorry to hear mate:(

    No one thinks you're weak/not trying hard enough, you're not <3

    Is there any way we can help? xo

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited December 2018
    I feel like I know I just want to die now. Think I’ve tried & can’t do it anymore.  It is just finding ‘right’ time don’t want my family to be ruin it for them every year near Christmas and new year I killed myself & ruin it every year. But don’t think they care enough for that to happen anyway so fuck knows
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Shaunie,

    Just want to send you some hugs, we are here for you :heart: 

    I know things are difficult, but your strong, :heart: 

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited December 2018
    I Wish I was someone else. We all die in the end tho. There’s no point 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    edited December 2018
    Hm <3 It sounds like you're feeling very frustrated, hopeless, overwhelmed... Correct me if that's wrong? It sounds really sucky regardless, I am sorry buddy :(


    You're cared about. And remember that feeling better is possible. And your life has potential, everyone can do so much with their life. Your life matters (even if it doesn't feel that way) <3 Do you feel more that you truly want to die, or that there's no other way (i know these thoughts can be complicated)?

    Do you think you should maybe see your doctor?

    Sending a hug x
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,612 Part of The Furniture
    edited December 2018
    kathleen0172 said:
    You're cared about. And remember that feeling better is possible. And your life has potential, everyone can do so much with their life. Your life matters (even if it doesn't feel that way) <3 Do you feel more that you truly want to die, or that there's no other way (i know these thoughts can be complicated)?
    I'd second everything @kathleen0172 said here.

    Just to add to what's already been said in this thread, remember there are crisis support services like Crisis Messenger, Samaritans or Papyrus if you do want to talk about suicidal thoughts in a safe space. We're here for you in all the ways we can be, and those guys are available to chat to if you reach breaking point. Do make use of them if you need to.

    What are the next few days looking like for you @Shaunie? Might be worth having a think about what could help you to feel okay over the new year. Sometimes even small things can make the world of difference.

    Keep safe - you're not alone. :)
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
    The truth resists simplicity.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you @kathleen0172 & @Mike
    Have nothing planned for the few days. Just seeing the OT on Monday in Asda cafe ha. & nothing else. 

    I used the crisis messagnger twice today & feeling bad for using their time so probably won’t be using that again until a month atleast
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    You don't need to feel bad for using their time - it's what they're there for. It's good you've reached out to them, please keep doing so if/when you need to. x
  • ItaliaItalia Posts: 238 Trailblazer
    kathleen0172 said:
    You don't need to feel bad for using their time - it's what they're there for. It's good you've reached out to them, please keep doing so if/when you need to. x
    Hi @Shaunie,

    I agree with what @kathleen0172 has said.  It's great to hear you are using crisis messenger.  This is exactly what they are there for and its totally the right thing to do. 

    Please do keep using them if you need, and if you feel like you don't want to use crisis messenger again then why not try some of the other services Mike mentioned?  

    I'm glad you are reaching out when you need to.    Its a really brave thing to do. 

    Keep us posted on how your doing.   <3

    “People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses.”
    -     Brene Brown

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you  

    omg see the OT today and I left sending the email to the last minute and the voluterring page has gone now. She’s gunna hate me lol. Ffs. Tbh I will probably lie and say it went awhile ago so couldn’t do it. 

    Just want to die 😭😭😭😭. 

    But i I topped up my phone again so I can text samaratins 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,202 Part of The Furniture
    edited December 2018
    Sending you hugs Shaunie 💙
    Keep on using Samaritans when you need them and Crisis Messager is also very good if you need them.
    you know where I am if you need to talk 💖
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • Lauren223Lauren223 Staff Posts: 71 Budding Regular
    Hey Shaunie,

    Great to see that you are using the Samaritans! Has texting them been useful for you?

    You've been so brave opening up about how you are feeling, remember we are all here for you <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited December 2018
    Samaratian keep ignoring why I am feeling suicidal and only speaking about the suicide and the way I want to die. And going back to a message I sent awhile ago. When Now i am talking about why I want to die and they’re ignoring it . Maybe cause is that pathetic
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Shaunie said:
    Samaratian keep ignoring why I am feeling suicidal and only speaking about the suicide and the way I want to die. And going back to a message I sent awhile ago. When Now i am talking about why I want to die and they’re ignoring it . Maybe cause is that pathetic
    yeesh, I'm sorry, I don't think they shouldn't be acting like that :confused: Could you maybe try another helpline if they're not helping? Don't give up anyway cause someone will listen and be helpful <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 86 Budding Regular
    Could you try the Mix helpline? They might be able to tell you about some support places. I hear Papyrus is good too.

    Sorry to hear you're feeling sh!t. When I was feeling suicidal I used to watch anything on Netflix. I also rang Samaritans or visited my local one. But because I have BPD, I get these feelings a lot and they don't last too long. Popping balloons helps me weirdly lol
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