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Starting a sexual relationship

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Without trying to sound harsh, this is like talking to a wall. You need to absorb the information you've been given in 10 long pages of replies.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    MikeS wrote: »
    We're covering old ground. Maybe it would pay you to re-read this thread once or twice and believe & take in what people say.

    I have. There has been nothing here yet which is specific enough to be useful. If I do get sex, I will be publishing exact details of what happened so that others can copy me and profit from my experience.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Adam0 wrote: »
    I have. There has been nothing here yet which is specific enough to be useful. If I do get sex, I will be publishing exact details of what happened so that others can copy me and profit from my experience.

    Are you joking?...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    plugitin wrote: »
    But YSH already did.
    I quote:
    "But the thing is, it didn't start off about sex. Our relationships were always based on more than that, sounds lame but a 'deeper connection'. A situation, shared feelings, good conversation. "

    Good conversation. Shared feelings. Deeper connection.

    Is this not enough?

    No, it's not enough. I need to know specifics: conversation about what? Feelings about what? Connection about what? I know the same things won't work for every girl; I need to know what works for a high proportion of girls. Examples would be useful. I only know to avoid contentious topics like religion and politics.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    MikeS wrote: »
    Are you joking?...

    No I'm not. If I get sex, I will be stating on multiple websites what I wore, said and did. Therefore, anyone who in the future is in the position that I'm in now will have a specific example of how a virgin finally got laid on a first date without any wining and dining or friendship nonsense beforehand. There will be a specific example to follow - giving all the type of details that I need now. I will not be vague or obstructive. Ten pages won't be needed - it will all be clearly stated in my first message. How to easily, quickly get sex on a first date will be a popular read.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    About anything. Find out her interests, her hobbies, etc. It's not rocket science. This is getting stupid and again, your mindset regarding women is disgusting, so I'm happy to admit that I hope you get nowhere with any woman.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh for the love of Pete. Have you listened to anything we've told you?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Adam0 wrote: »
    No, it's not enough. I need to know specifics: conversation about what? Feelings about what? Connection about what? I know the same things won't work for every girl; I need to know what works for a high proportion of girls. Examples would be useful. I only know to avoid contentious topics like religion and politics.

    If you're going to get anywhere, you'll realise it's not about specific 'tactics', chat up lines etc. It's about two individuals connecting on some level - and for that to happen you need to be focussing on exactly that, the person not what she's wearing or what to say to get her into bed.

    Treat women as individuals and human beings rather than a problem to be cracked.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Treat women as individuals and human beings rather than a problem to be cracked.
    ninaballet wrote: »
    Women are humans. Just like you. Treat them like humans and you might get somewhere.
    Start seeing people as people and not as fucktoys and you might just have a bit more success.
    Hiccup wrote: »
    This is your issue. You view girls as sexual objects. It's completely wrong.

    This is your problem. Your warped and flat out incorrect sense and of and attitude towards women. Listen to what you're being told here. It's not like we're not making it clear enough.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Treat women as individuals and human beings rather than a problem to be cracked.

    In other words, forget about sex, then I'll easily get sex? I can't put sex out of my mind for long, and can't put it out of my mind at all when I'm in close proximity to a girl I fancy.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not being rude or offensive, I've asked this before and you passed over the question, do you have an autism spectrum disorder?

    I'm asking again because you've still not taken in what people have said to you in another 6 or so pages of replies.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    JavaKrypt wrote: »
    Do you have an autism spectrum disorder?

    Yes I do, and I'm stuck with it for life. I didn't say so before, because a) it's incurable and b) I've been taunted and ridiculed about it when I've mentioned it elsewhere. Many people hate autistic people. I've had to suffer people telling me (online and offline) that all autistic people are creepy, worthless weirdos who should hang themselves. I've never heard anyone say that they like autistic people.

    The things I've been told here to do, such as good conversation - I cannot do. I can do long serious conversations, but no girl is turned on by that. I'm an extremely serious person. 'Good conversation' with girls means making them laugh, which I can't do. I've read hundreds of girls' dating profiles and, by a wide margin, the thing they most often say they want is someone who makes her laugh. Many say that anyone interested in her must make her laugh - that it's a dealbreaker'. A high proportion also want someone who doesn't take life seriously. Someone who's relaxed and chilled out. Someone who's confident. They all want someone who has a great deal of sexual experience. I'm a serious and neurotic virgin - no girl wants someone like that, even if I were not autistic. One girl put on her profile "If you make me laugh my knickers will be on your bedroom floor on the first date, guaranteed". I've never understood how laughter is an aphrodisiac. What is the connection between laughing and wanting to have sex with the person who is making her laugh? How is it that millions of girls are 'laughed into bed'. If a girl makes me laugh, that has no effect on how attractive I find her. If I fancied her before she made me laugh, I still fancy her to the same degree. If I didn't fancy her before she made me laugh, I still don't afterwards.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I enjoy comedy as a viewer and listener - I watch sitcoms every day. However, it's not related to sexual attraction or sexual excitement for me. Most people, including me, enjoy laughing. What I don't understand is why most girls insist on being made to laugh by someone's jokes/anecdotes etc. in order to have sex with him. Why can't they keep sex and laughter separate and laugh by watching comedy on TV or on the Internet? The best comedians in the world are available on TV and online, at any time, on any day, to make them laugh; they are far more skilled at making people laugh than any ordinary person is. I've never heard of a biological process that says that laughter causes sexual stimulation. Millions of girls are laughed into bed. If laughter really is such a great aphrodisiac, then why doesn't it work the other way round? Why don't unappealing girls laugh the lads they fancy into bed? We know that doesn't happen because there aren't ugly girls who tell lots of jokes and have rich, handsome boyfriends as a result.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Adam0 wrote: »
    I've had to suffer people telling me (online and offline) that all autistic people are creepy, worthless weirdos who should hang themselves.

    That's absolutely horrific - I'm sorry people have said that to you. These people are talking shit. People with autism are just as normal as anyone else - it just so happens they have a few more certain struggles.

    Perhaps this is why you want sex more often? Maybe you're looking for a way to feel more accepted?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Perhaps this is why you want sex more often? Maybe you're looking for a way to feel more accepted?

    I do want to be accepted (which I never have been), but it's not the reason for me wanting sex every day. The reason for that is that I'm hypersexual. I have an erection for about two hours a day and masturbate for about the same duration (two hours total, not continuously).
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's absolutely horrific - I'm sorry people have said that to you.

    What's also horrific is you telling me that you're happy to admit that you hope I don't get anywhere with any woman. Are you sorry for proudly proclaiming that? You (and some others here and elsewhere) seem to enjoy the fact that I'm severely frustrated and being deprived of the most enjoyable thing in the world, which most people get easily and take for granted.

    I've never knowingly been hostile, yet I've faced hostility all my life. Hundreds of people have victimised me and/or hated me; no-one has ever liked me, let alone fancied me.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's very often said that being confident (or convincingly faking confidence) is the key to getting a lot of sex. I've never been confident because of how disadvantaged I am, how unlucky I am and how badly treated I am. I'm not wanted anywhere. I'm at the bottom of the pecking order and the least valued person wherever I go. I'm often scapegoated and falsely accused of things without any evidence. Over a hundred people have told me I'm ugly; no-one has ever told me that I'm good-looking. I can't conjure up confidence from nowhere, nor can I fake it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Adam0 wrote: »
    Yes I do, and I'm stuck with it for life. I didn't say so before, because a) it's incurable and b) I've been taunted and ridiculed about it when I've mentioned it elsewhere. Many people hate autistic people. I've had to suffer people telling me (online and offline) that all autistic people are creepy, worthless weirdos who should hang themselves. I've never heard anyone say that they like autistic people.

    The things I've been told here to do, such as good conversation - I cannot do. I can do long serious conversations, but no girl is turned on by that. I'm an extremely serious person. 'Good conversation' with girls means making them laugh, which I can't do. I've read hundreds of girls' dating profiles and, by a wide margin, the thing they most often say they want is someone who makes her laugh. Many say that anyone interested in her must make her laugh - that it's a dealbreaker'. A high proportion also want someone who doesn't take life seriously. Someone who's relaxed and chilled out. Someone who's confident. They all want someone who has a great deal of sexual experience. I'm a serious and neurotic virgin - no girl wants someone like that, even if I were not autistic. One girl put on her profile "If you make me laugh my knickers will be on your bedroom floor on the first date, guaranteed". I've never understood how laughter is an aphrodisiac. What is the connection between laughing and wanting to have sex with the person who is making her laugh? How is it that millions of girls are 'laughed into bed'. If a girl makes me laugh, that has no effect on how attractive I find her. If I fancied her before she made me laugh, I still fancy her to the same degree. If I didn't fancy her before she made me laugh, I still don't afterwards.

    God, this explains a lot, why you can't be dissuaded that sleeping with a girl is no problem with an analytical solution like a mathematical equation. I have had sex the first time I met someone too, but I was talking for months with her online. There was already an established connection and she already pretty much made up her mind that it's gonna happen. It has been said a hundred times, but there is no well-understood way how to make it happen, like a manual how to solve a differential equation. If you can solve one, you probably can solve the next too. I cannot apply what I did with this girl on another one. The next girl has different interests that I have to gauge. It starts from 0 all over again.

    Laughter is always positive. If you hate laughing you won't do it (or try to), but if something makes you laugh you won't be mad at yourself for finding it amusing. You like whatever it was that made you laugh, because you laughed. Laughing eases a situation, laughter is rarely awkward and helps people bond. That's the reason.

    Look, I won't repeat what I already said a dozen times, but as you found out for yourself, people are wary about autistic people. It is difficult to understand the inner workings of them, because they just have a different way of thinking. This is like the opposite of feeling a connection to someone, they feel disconnected from you, because they cannot relate to how you perceive the world. This more than ever spells out again that it is important to get to know a girl, so SHE gets to know YOU and discovers things she likes about you and is not put off by your condition. I know you think it's a waste of time, but believe me, they don't.


    Watching sitcoms or comedy does not sexually excite people in itself. People don't get moist from watching little Britain. What these girls omit is that humor coming off of a person they already find intriguing is a huge attractive force. Nobody's panties drop from listening the hunchback of notre dame recite jokes from a pamphlet. Being amusing is just a very good way to be charismatic.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    Look, I won't repeat what I already said a dozen times, but as you found out for yourself, people are wary about autistic people. It is difficult to understand the inner workings of them, because they just have a different way of thinking. This is like the opposite of feeling a connection to someone, they feel disconnected from you, because they cannot relate to how you perceive the world. This more than ever spells out again that it is important to get to know a girl, so SHE gets to know YOU and discovers things she likes about you and is not put off by your condition. I know you think it's a waste of time, but believe me, they don't.

    How do people know I'm autistic? It's a lifelong condition, but I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my twenties. The symptoms are continuous and always start very early in a person's childhood. If it's so obvious that I'm autistic, why didn't anyone even suggest I have it until I was in my early twenties? The person who first said that he thought that I'm autistic, despite being highly intelligent and very well-educated, took months of knowing me before he suggested it. I then was tested for it by a psychologist and was diagnosed. I asked my parents if anyone had ever suggested to them that I might be autistic; they said no.

    No-one ever discovers things that they like about me. The only people whom are attracted to me are predators who immediately see me as an easy target to victimise. Many of them are strangers who clearly are not intelligent or educated - so how can they tell I'm autistic/vulnerable when my own family had no idea of the existence of my autism for over two decades?

    If people were merely wary of autistic people, that would not account for me being victimised almost continuously since I was three. Why aren't predators wary of me? Being wary also does not explain the hatred that I and many other autistic people suffer. Most autistic people are victimised frequently - why?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If making someone laugh is an excellent method of charming someone, why don't otherwise unappealing women use it as a method to get rich, powerful, handsome boyfriends? Why it only charming for a man to be good at comedy? In addition, if comedic ability is the number one aphrodisiac, why are the answers to surveys of women asking them who they'd most like to have sex with headed by Brad Pitt, David Beckham, Robert Pattinson etc., none of whom are known for their comedic ability? Why isn't it Dara O'Briain, Jimmy Carr, Ricky Gervais, Paul Whitehouse, Nicholas Lyndhurst, Rowan Atkinson etc. at the top of those lists, if 'having a good sense of humour' is considered by women to be the paramount quality in a man? I don't doubt that millions of men do laugh women into bed, but I'm puzzled at the contradictions regarding it, and why it is that men are rarely laughed into bed. Very few men say that they only date women who make them laugh, or that she must make him laugh; it's a dealbreaker if she doesn't.

    Being relaxed in someone's company does not equate to being sexually attracted to or sexually aroused by them. I've yet to see an explanation as to how being told jokes, anecdotes etc. makes a girl decide she wants to have sex with whomever is telling the jokes/anecdotes. Where is the biological connection? How would that be of evolutionary advantage? Being a good joke-teller does not help a person be a good partner or good parent.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was thinking you may have a condition on the autistic spectrum too, as you're attempting to impose order and logic where there is none.

    There is no logic or reasoning behind why people choose to have sex. The decision is an emotional response not a logical one. A woman (or man) does not choose to have sex because they believe there is an "evolutionary advantage" to doing so. The decision to have sex, or not have sex, is based on an emotional response. And whether you find someone physically attractive is also based on an emotional response- everyone has different tastes, different priorities, and remember that someone's behaviour will make them appear more or less physically attractive.

    There is no magic formula, it isn't a case of good shoes + nice cheekbones + cracking jokes = sex.

    I have been in situations where I've had a 50% connection with someone and they've wanted to have sex with me. I've been in situations where I've had a 70% connection and they've decided that they don't want to. There is no logic behind their decision, it is purely an emotional response. There is often nothing you could have done or said differently to change things.

    If you only see the literal, you will also miss the hidden meaning behind how people interact, and you will miss opportunities. Girls will not say "that was a good joke, you made me laugh, now I will have sex with you". They will laugh and if they are attracted to you they will show this in their body language- they will play with their hair, or stroke you, or stand closer to you, or any number of other things (and each girl will display attraction in slightly different ways- again, there is no magic formula). They will expect a response in return to show your own interest, and if there is no response they will not pursue it. If you do not understand how to interpret these hidden signals, if you do not have a sense of intuition, then unfortunately your chance will pass you by.

    As for why you seem to attract "predators", people's intentions tend to be hidden in their body language and how they interact. If you only see the literal then you will be more easily exploited- "predators" will not tell you in advance that they are untrustworthy liars, this is something you have to interpret from their behaviour. If you struggle to interpret these signals then you will allow the "predator" to remain near you, whereas people who do have a strong sense of intuition will have run away a long time before.

    Similarly if you do not display body language in the way that people expect, people will often perceive you as cold or stand-offish, and will not be interested in getting to know you more. I think people are naturally wary of autistic people for this reason; they often do not react in the way they are used to. This does not make you a bad person or an unlovable person, but it does make it more difficult to bond with people.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Adam0 wrote: »
    What's also horrific is you telling me that you're happy to admit that you hope I don't get anywhere with any woman. Are you sorry for proudly proclaiming that?

    No, I'm not sorry for proudly admitting that because autism does not give you a reason to view women as objects that you can fuck once then throw away for life. The way you look at women is awful - saying they clearly want sex if they're wearing a tight dress and heels is awful. You're the kind of person that I wouldn't put rape past because of the things you say. Autism does not give you the right to be such an arse towards women and that is that.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am no expert in things autistic and it surely depends on the severity of the condition (i.e. how far or near you are on the autism spectrum), but even if you do not see a person as clearly autistic you often find them odd. Their mannerisms, their behavior etc. The symptoms are often very noticeable even if you do not associate them with a definite diagnosis.
    If making someone laugh is an excellent method of charming someone, why don't otherwise unappealing women use it as a method to get rich, powerful, handsome boyfriends?

    Because humor is not a replacement for other desireable traits. Humor is the extra stuff. Like heated leather seats in a car or a parking aid that bleeps when you try to park your car. They are lovely and coveted but ultimately not enough if you car has - lets say - no engine. I never claimed it is the number one aphrodisiac and I doubt other people value it THAT high. It is often highly sought after, but in itself not enough.
    Being relaxed in someone's company does not equate to being sexually attracted to or sexually aroused by them.

    Being relaxed is not a sufficient state to be sexually attracted to someone, but I would say in almost all cases a necessary one.

    It all boils down to the same thing: There is no "one" thing that does the deal. Just the humor, just making someone safe and relaxed, just the looks. Attraction to someone is a highly complex and often subtle process. I've heard women say they go wild if a man stretches and a bit of their stomach peeks out between the seam of the shirt and the pants. Do you think walking around stretching exposing your stomach is all that make woman have sex with you? It is a mixture of countless things that you consciously and subconsciously seek. That is why there is no simply, one-size-fits-them-all strategy.

    No, being a good joke teller alone does not make someone a good partner or parent alone, but the ability to make light of tough situations, to cheer people up, to distract and or entertain people are - I would say - almost universally positive and sought after characteristics.

    I realize given your condition it is hard to accept that there is no analytically, clearly defined, optimized strategy that reaches results with the highest possible chance in the shortest amount of time and even if there was, I think it is clear by now that we do not know about it. I think you should start coming to terms that your fantasy of quick, neat little tricks that lead to success is not true. Maybe you should really pick it up with a professional therapist who knows of methods and is able to give you the tools to manage your situation better.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You seriously need to work on your social skills and actually communicating (ok, I can't say much either...) before you consider starting a sexual relationship.
    How do people know I'm autistic?

    From experience - it's sometimes obvious. I've had at least one person tell me that. And I've had another friend tell me "I know you have problems communicating". (I knew that was coming due to my reaction to something he said, which depending on how the comment was taken, could have been taken as rude - I took it the wrong way and thought he was being rude - he wasn't)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maybe that's why u struggle to find the right words right to communicate with people and only time will tell when u start putting urself out there as said again and again in order for u to develop ur confidence and self esteem. I know it will be hard but most people have said that u just need get to know the person before anything else happens.

    That's why as I said before about the online dating that maybe it's a good idea to put that aside for now because u dont seem to be getting anywhere and ur chances will be greater if u start trying to go out more to either bars, clubs, taking up a hobby, seeing friends and family etc. You said the club scene isn't for u and that's fine. There are other ways which u can meet people but I dont think the online dating is gonna help for now. I think u need to put urself out there and take a chance I guess.

    I don't agree with the fact that all girls like a guy who makes her laugh. Im a girl and that's not the first thing I think about. There needs to be an attraction of course but personailty is essential two. I don't think all girl like a guy who can always make her laugh. Again u maybe not found the right girl yet because even though u think no girl has given u a chance yet doesn't mean there's no one else out there. It's really important that u dont just pick the first girl u see and ask her for sex. You need to get to know her and then u will see wether u like her or not but u need that girl to be down to earth two. This is where u going wrong. I'm not sure where ur finding these girls but most of them u seem to meet must be from that dating website ur on as that's the only way u said u been seeing girls. I dont think that site is helping u at all, those girls on there don't seem to be the right person for u.

    The only option I think u got is to go out there and meet people. It doesn't help u hiding behind a screen and getting to know people when u cant see what they truely like as a person. There are a lot of girls out there and it takes time. Your still rushing into things when u need to take a step back and mend the mistakes u made in the past.

    There's nothing else we can say or do. Said everything what's had to be said. The only way things will change is if u start taking action for what u want as its no good keep asking urself the same questions when u just repeating urself over and over again.

    Please have a look at The Site advice pages if u still need further advice. I've said everything now what's had to be said but im not sure about other people on here. They may advice u further but I don't know if there's anything more to say.

    This is going round in circles!!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    You seriously need to work on your social skills and actually communicating (ok, I can't say much either...) before you consider starting a sexual relationship.

    Being autistic means never being able to develop normal (let alone good) social and communication skills. if you're saying that I need those skills in order to get sex, then it's impossible for me to ever do so.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    It is important to get to know a girl, so SHE gets to know YOU and discovers things she likes about you and is not put off by your condition.

    The only people who are not put off by me being autistic are predators who target me because I'm autistic.

    How and where can I find a girl who is not put off by me being autistic and what is there about me that could make her sexually attracted to me? It has to be something that makes her sexually attracted to me - I don't want to waste months and hundreds of pounds wining and dining her and buying her presents, nor do I want to be imprisoned in the friendzone.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A frequently stated reason for having not had sex on a date is "I don't fancy him". Why, in each of those cases, did she choose to go on a date with someone she doesn't fancy? If you don't fancy someone, don't go on a date with that person. Don't waste his time, money and effort, leading him on. Decide before you go on a a date with someone that you do want to have sex with him. If you can't decide that beforehand, don't go on a date with him. He has already decided that he wants to have sex with you on the first date; he wouldn't be taking you on a date if he hadn't. Dating is merely a means to get sex; it is not an activity in its own right.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Adam0 wrote: »
    Being autistic means never being able to develop normal (let alone good) social and communication skills.

    Not true.

    Seriously, this is clearly getting nowhere. You're not listening to anyone at all.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not true.

    Seriously, this is clearly getting nowhere. You're not listening to anyone at all.

    It is true that being autistic means having lifelong impaired social and communication skills. It's central to the disorder. An autistic person cannot become a smooth-talker.
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