Starting a sexual relationship

Former Member

Please give me advice as to how to start a sexual relationship. I've never been able to find a girl who is willing to have a sexual relationship with me. Please don't tell me to 'be friends first', as I've tried that many times and it has never worked; the best that has happened using that strategy is that I am put in the friend zone. I don't want to be in the friend zone, I want a sexual relationship. Please tell me where to go and when, as well as what to say to a girl I fancy, so that I am able to start a sexual relationship with her.

Former Member

Explain what you mean. Do you want a fuck buddy, or just to have sex with a girl?

Former Member

I very much want to have sex many times. I would prefer a long-term sexual relationship which involves daily sex, but any sex with girls would be much better than the celibacy I'm enduring now - whether it be a fuck buddy, flings, one-night stands etc. Everywhere I've gone, girls don't want me. Where should I go, what should I wear, what should I say, what should I do?

Former Member

Adam0 wrote: »

I very much want to have sex many times. I would prefer a long-term sexual relationship which involves daily sex, but any sex with girls would be much better than the celibacy I'm enduring now - whether it be a fuck buddy, flings, one-night stands etc. Everywhere I've gone, girls don't want me. Where should I go, what should I wear, what should I say, what should I do?

A long term sexual relationship with Daily sex? Don't get your hopes up but trying to find a girl who will have sex with you everyday, is asking for a bit much, Girls want more from relationships than just sex, They want to be cared for, Wanted, They don't want to be feeling like someones only with them for their body.

Maybe when you're "going" out you're coming across too strong, do you literally walk up to someone and say "hi, My names Adam. Have sex with me?" Buy her a drink, Get to know her...Listen to her, then she might just invite you back...Don't go out looking to get 'some'. you'll end up looking like a jerk.

Former Member

I don't start my conversations by asking for sex.

I've tried offering to buy girls drinks on many occasions. Most girls refuse it. On the occasions that the girl accepts the drink, she immediately walks away with it and sits with someone else. I don't have the opportunity to start a conversation, let alone get invited back to her place.

Former Member

Usually, when someone is purely looking for sex, they look pretty creepy/sleazy. Even if you don't try and give that impression, people can probably get the vibe that you're only after one thing. Try and get close with someone before you think about the sex, maybe? A lot of casual relationships start with a good friendship, so try and build on something that's already there rather than trying to find someone purely to have sex with. You'll probably have more luck.

Also, trying too hard can be a real turn off. Try and let it happen, don't force or push it.

Former Member

I'm not looking only for sex, but it is by far the most important thing that is missing from my life. As I said in my first post, I've tried many times to turn a friendship into a sexual relationship, but it has never worked - the girl always tells me that she isn't sexually attracted to me and that she never will be - she says she could never see me as more than a friend.

Try to get close before thinking about sex?! I think about sex for hours every day - it's impossible for me not to.

I've tried to 'let it happen', but that doesn't work either. Girls don't approach me and aren't attracted to me.

Former Member

Hey Adam, you mentioned that a sexual relationship is the only thing missing from your life. I wonder if you wouldn't mind telling us a bit more about yourself and your life so that we can get a sense of the bigger picture and hopefully help you to figure out some next steps.

For example, how old are you? Are you working or studying at the moment? Do you have an active social life? What sorts of things do you enjoy doing?

It's tough when we're attracted to someone and they don't feel the same way but it doesn't mean that this will always be what happens. In some ways it's a case of working on yourself, doing the things you enjoy and putting yourself out there to be in environments where you're meeting new people. By doing this you're giving yourself more of a chance to find people with similar interests and that you may find a connection with.

It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to tick this box and whilst wanting intimacy is totally understandable, trying to force it or go out with only that on your mind, as others have said, can be off-putting for some women.

Can you tell us a bit about this girl that you fancy, how did you meet her and have you got any signs from her that she might be interested in a relationship?

Former Member

The last poster has misunderstood. There isn't one particular girl; this has happened with every girl whom I've fancied in my life. They are never sexually attracted to me. I've gone everywhere I can think of - I'm always disappointed. Having a sex life isn't merely ticking a box - it's of massive importance to me. I'm hypersexual and want to have sex multiple times every day, so it's horribly frustrating to get no sociosexual activity - not even holding hands or kissing. I've been everywhere I can think of; I don't know how I can start a sexual relationship. I've failed to attract girls at youth centres, school, college, work, sports centres, dating websites, social networking websites, pubs, nightclubs, on holiday etc. I don't do or say anything crude or offensive, so I don't know what is stopping me getting started. Please tell me what I should say to a girl whom I fancy so that I can start a sexual relationship with her. Does anyone reading this have a technique that works? Don't tell me to accept a life of celibacy. I don't want to become a 40-year-old virgin.

Former Member

Honestly, saying stuff like "Please tell me what I should say to a girl whom I fancy so that I can start a sexual relationship with her" probably washes off when you talk to girls, and you're maybe not realising it. Have you tried going to a sauna and just having sex with anyone? I don't know if such things exist for straight people or where you could look

Former Member

There isn't a straight version of gay bathhouses/saunas. If there were, I'd have been going there regularly for years. The closest thing straight people have to that is Tinder; I've tried that and have never had any matches.

Virtually all the involuntarily celibate people are straight males. This is because, unlike girls and gay guys, we don't have the option of waiting to be approached, chatted up etc. Unless we look like Brad Pitt, we have to do all the approaching, chatting up, seducing etc. - and if we don't, we never have the opportunity to have sex. Hence I need to know what to say to girls in order to start a sexual relationship. What makes a girl decide whether or not to have sex with someone? If I knew that, I might be able to work out how to improve my chances by saying and doing the right things.

Millions of people openly show contempt and ridicule towards male virgins, but no-one tries to advise us as to how we can change that situation and have sex lives.

Former Member

It would be helpful if some of the lads here could tell me what strategy works for them. Likewise, it would be useful if some of the girls could tell me what makes them decide whether or not to have sex with someone. I need specific advice - advising me to get out more is not helpful, as I go out for hours nearly every day. Telling me to put sex out of my mind is ridiculous - I think about sex more than I think about anything else. Lack of sex causes a huge void in my life. I'm very disappointed and unhappy that I can't get a sex life started. Most people have sex thousands of times during their lives and I would like to have sex every day.

If you're single and male: what would you wear, where would you go and what would you say, in order to have sex with a girl tonight?

Former Member

Hey Adam0,

It's good to see you exploring and asking questions here on the boards - it sounds like you've got a lot on your mind here.

It would be easier for us to advise you to find out a bit more about you, for example, do you live in a rural area where it might be more difficult to meet people? What age are you? Do you feel external pressure on having sex from friends or peers?

You asked at the end of your previous post for specific advice on what you would wear, where you would go and what you would say, I think it's fair to say there is no magic formula or "technique" that gets anybody into bed. You might find it will become easier for you if you went up to a girl in a bar and just spoke to her as you would a friend - ask her what brings her out tonight, is she having fun etc. Things that aren't about sex at all. It's really important to actually listen and have a conversation, show an interest, see if you have things in common. You're just getting to know them, and it won't come across as creepy.

How does that sound to you? We?ve got a couple of articles on TheSite you might find useful?

Boost your pulling confidence
Single and Happy

Let us know what you think?

Former Member

I live in a large town. I'm 24. I have a very high sex drive; it's nothing to do with peer pressure. Girls in bars don't want me full stop - I don't get a chance to get to know them. Neither of those two articles are of help to me; I wouldn't mind being single if I were having regular sex.

Whilst there may not be a magic formula, there must be some strategies which have a very high rate of success. There are loads of lads (who are not rich, famous, athletic or handsome) who find it easy to find many gorgeous girls to have sex with. How do they manage it?

It is perfectly normal to want to have sex. Most people have sex. I don't have any paraphilias - I want normal sexual activities including: French kissing, fellatio, cunnilingus and sexual intercourse.

Imagine that instead of me being a stranger, I'm your best friend - what would you advise me to do?

Former Member

Many people must know the information I need. Sexually successful lads know what works for them time and time again; girls know what makes them decide whether or not to have sex with someone - please tell me.

Former Member

Adam0 wrote: »

Many people must know the information I need. Sexually successful lads know what works for them time and time again; girls know what makes them decide whether or not to have sex with someone - please tell me.

This is kind of your problem - the approach you're taking won't get you anywhere. It's like you're trying to find out some big secret to a sex life that no one is telling you, but there isn't one. You won't find a set of words or 'moves' that gets girls to sleep with you. The issue is FAR too subjective for that to be the case; it comes down to what the person you approach is in to and responds well to, how you project yourself, etc. Too many variables for there to be set instructions. Plus you have to bear in mind that not all girls (probably the minority) go out wanting to meet someone for a shag. I agree with Andy:

You might find it will become easier for you if you went up to a girl in a bar and just spoke to her as you would a friend - ask her what brings her out tonight, is she having fun etc. Things that aren't about sex at all. It's really important to actually listen and have a conversation, show an interest, see if you have things in common. You're just getting to know them, and it won't come across as creepy.

Former Member

How do I find and identify the girls who are out looking for a shag?

As I've already said in a previous post, girls don't let me engage in conversation with them in bars about anything. Even if I buy them a drink, they go and sit somewhere else, with someone else.

There must be a sequence of words and/or moves which often work, because some lads are successful in getting sex with a different girl (nearly) every weekend. How do they do it? What do they say and do? If people gave examples of what works for/with them, I might be able to replicate their strategy. My current success rate is zero. Many lads have high success rates, so if you're one of them, please tell me what technique works for you.

Former Member

Have you tried something other than lurking at bars? Maybe your workplace or a class in something?

Former Member

Yes, as I've said in one of my previous posts here. I've tried at every class at school and college and at every place I've worked at - I've received not one peck on the cheek, let alone sex.

Former Member

Maybe said people that you're trying to sleep with, see you talking to/attempting to talk to other girls first and then get the impression that you're after anyone you can get for a quick shag and then they in turn get turned off by what's coming across as desperation.

Former Member

That doesn't explain why I never get anywhere with the first girl I approach at each venue.

If the problem is that they see me as desperate, how do I hide that and not look desperate? What should I do when I fail with the first girl?

Former Member

Hi Adam,

Thanks for your responses. You've mentioned in a couple of posts that you feel some lads are getting a different girl every other weekend - it seems like maybe you have some different expectations, or they are lying? It's gonna be pretty unlikely that's the case - so maybe it's about thinking why you compare yourself to other lads? There's often a lot of bravado amongst young men, especially around sex, so remember to keep this in mind next time you hear your friend bragging about his latest sexual conquest.

Former Member

Even if they're exaggerating, they're certainly getting sex with some girls; I'd like to know how they manage it. I have a high sex drive (an erection for two hours a day) and I'm getting nothing: not even holding hands or a peck on the cheek. Regardless of what anyone else is doing, I want to have sex every day.

I don't know what you mean by different expectations.

Many thousands of people will have sex on the first date, one-night stands, hook-ups etc. tonight. How do I become one of them?

No-one here has even told me how to get a kiss with a girl, let alone have sex with her. Tell me what worked for you; maybe it will work for me.

Former Member

I'm wondering if it's worth speaking to some of those guys honestly and asking them a few questions that you're asking us? I think you might find similar answers to what we're giving you - that there isn't a magic formula, it's a case of being yourself, being relaxed with who you are and finding a genuine interest in another person.

I suppose by different expectations I mean that we live in quite a sexualised society and there's sex everywhere and it feels like people are having sex all the time and it's just you who isn't - when that's really not the case. And that society as a whole may be contributing to how you feeling about your approach to sex?

Former Member

Adam0 wrote: »

That doesn't explain why I never get anywhere with the first girl I approach at each venue.

It's worth noting that a lot of girls don't actually go out just looking for sex, they go out to let their hair down and have some fun.
Maybe you never get anywhere because people are just generally not interested or they feel on edge being approached by a stranger in a club/bar/pub

Former Member

A high proportion of people (male and female) do go to pubs/bars/nightclubs to get laid - there's no doubt about that. Millions of people have sex with people whom they met earlier that night. Very few people who frequent such venues are uninterested in sex or feel 'on edge' when being approached by strangers, as that's the reason for those establishments. Shy, nervous and prudish people don't go to such places. Nor do people who want to be alone.

I've tried asking sexually successful lads how they do it; they won't tell me. That's why I'm asking for advice here.

Regardless of what other people do, I want to have a lot of sex because I have a very high sex drive. This is nothing to do with peer pressure. I have an erection for about two hours a day. I'm very frustrated not having sex; I would find having lots of sex enjoyable and fulfilling. Please tell me how to go about having sex tonight. Tell me specifically what you'd do if you were me. Don't tell me to just be myself and 'get out there' - I've been doing that all my life and it's got me nowhere. I have a zero percent success rate both by going to places, and through dating websites. Someone who is reading this and has a high success rate, tell me what your strategy is - it might work for me.

If I don't find out how to improve things for myself, I'll become a 30-year-old virgin, then a 40-year-old virgin, then a 50-year-old virgin.

Former Member

Adam0 wrote: »

A high proportion of people (male and female) do go to pubs/bars/nightclubs to get laid - there's no doubt about that. Millions of people have sex with people whom they met earlier that night. Very few people who frequent such venues are uninterested in sex or feel 'on edge' when being approached by strangers, as that's the reason for those establishments. Shy, nervous and prudish people don't go to such places. Nor do people who want to be alone.

Yes they do. I'm very shy and would feel on edge if a stranger approached me, whether they were asking for sex or not. I go out for drinks with my friends regularly, because I want to spend time with my friends,as do all of them, and probably a lot of other people.

Former Member

I understand that there isn't a foolproof method that is guaranteed to succeed, but there must be techniques that have a high success rate.

If you're a single, straight male and you want to have sex tonight - what would you wear, where would you go and what would you say?

Former Member

Correction: few shy people go to pubs, bars or nightclubs. Strangers approach people in such establishments all the time; it's to be expected. How do I find the girls who do want sex, and what do I do so that it's me whom she has sex with?

Former Member

Adam0 wrote: »

A high proportion of people (male and female) do go to pubs/bars/nightclubs to get laid - there's no doubt about that. Millions of people have sex with people whom they met earlier that night. Very few people who frequent such venues are uninterested in sex or feel 'on edge' when being approached by strangers, as that's the reason for those establishments. Shy, nervous and prudish people don't go to such places. Nor do people who want to be alone.

I've tried asking sexually successful lads how they do it; they won't tell me. That's why I'm asking for advice here.

Regardless of what other people do, I want to have a lot of sex because I have a very high sex drive. This is nothing to do with peer pressure. I have an erection for about two hours a day. I'm very frustrated not having sex; I would find having lots of sex enjoyable and fulfilling. Please tell me how to go about having sex tonight. Tell me specifically what you'd do if you were me. Don't tell me to just be myself and 'get out there' - I've been doing that all my life and it's got me nowhere. I have a zero percent success rate both by going to places, and through dating websites. Someone who is reading this and has a high success rate, tell me what your strategy is - it might work for me.

If I don't find out how to improve things for myself, I'll become a 30-year-old virgin, then a 40-year-old virgin, then a 50-year-old virgin.

They really don't though, so many people genuinely go out to be with their friends and have a good time. Not everyone is looking for sex, half the people you're trying to shag might not even be straight. The reason for clubs/pubs/bars is not to get people laid, you're thinking of a brothel.

I go out drinking, not because I want to get laid, but because I want to be with my friends or I want to be with the people I work with. I guarantee most girls you hit on, would've already been hit on that night. I'm guessing you go to the same places most nights? So probably the same people will be there, girls talk y'know, we tell each other about the guys that hit on us in clubs and the guys that make us feel uncomfortable because they're out solely to get laid.

If I were you I wouldn't try so hard, because trust me, it comes across when talking to people even when you don't think it does.

If you want sex that badly, pay for it.

Former Member

Hi Adam, I was just reading ur post and I really wanted to help u cuz it touched me.

Im sorry that starting a relationship with a girl before hasnt really happened the way u wanted it bute dont worry cuz u will get there in the end. Your not doing anything wrong, I a sure u with that. Its proberly that u havent found the right girl.

Could u give me a example of what u were like with the last girl u got to know? What did u do? What did u say and was there anything what got in the way of u two taking things further? Sorry if I am asking toi many questions but I just wanted to try and help u the best way possible.

I just wanted to say also that ur not on ur own and the right persom will come a long in time. Sometimes u just have to let nature take its course.

Look forward to hearing from u