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Starting a sexual relationship

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It isn't impossible for an autistic person to gain good social and communication skills. Granted it takes time and hard work but nothing is impossible. It could get better rather slowly over time, so you might not notice the difference until someone would point it out.
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    It isn't impossible for an autistic person to gain good social and communication skills. Granted it takes time and hard work but nothing is impossible. It could get better rather slowly over time, so you might not notice the difference until someone would point it out.

    This :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Adam0 wrote: »
    Dating is merely a means to get sex; it is not an activity in its own right.

    Also not true. Yes, a lot of people go on dates to get sex. A lot of people don't. Personally when I first met my boyfriend, we went on dates to get to know each other better. I didn't know if I wanted sex because I didn't know him.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think again what u need to consider is to not ask someone for sex straight away as what u said in ur previous message about the girl mentioning to he other friends that there's no point going on a date with him and paying for everything when he only wants sex and no go on a date. You have to get to know the person of ur on a date.

    I know u find it hard to communicate with someone but it doesn't have to be like this. You seem to already be meeting people and talking to them only u ask for sex straight away when ur being direct and forward. It's about communicating still and getting to know the person as I said again and again asking what they do for a living? What they do in there spare time? What sort of guy do they go for etc? That's what u need to do.

    You have to be urself and set a first good impression and mending all the mistakes u made in the past. That's why going out there and meeting new people will be ideal for u including bars, clubs, garden parties or family events aswell. This is what u need to do as I said again and again u need to go out and meet people. I dont think that dating website is helping u at all and meeting people face to face would be ideal.

    Also u got to know the person because u cant be direct and ask for sex straight away so going on a date and talking to them will have more of a better chance in moving things forward. Either u might get to know them and want what u want or not. It's having to get to know the person first. I know everyone has said it.

    I think u should try it and see

    Keep going round in circles
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ninaballet wrote: »
    Also not true. Yes, a lot of people go on dates to get sex. A lot of people don't. Personally when I first met my boyfriend, we went on dates to get to know each other better. I didn't know if I wanted sex because I didn't know him.

    This.

    I'm dating my Partner, we're now Engaged, and I don't actually want sex. Well, not "all the time" I don't want it everyday..and not many people do, I'm quite happy with once a month, Dating doesn't mean Sex. Itts about Love, Maturity and Getting to know someone.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Adam0 wrote: »
    The only people who are not put off by me being autistic are predators who target me because I'm autistic.

    How and where can I find a girl who is not put off by me being autistic and what is there about me that could make her sexually attracted to me? It has to be something that makes her sexually attracted to me - I don't want to waste months and hundreds of pounds wining and dining her and buying her presents, nor do I want to be imprisoned in the friendzone.

    You do not need to waste hundreds of pounds wining and dining someone. It's 2015, you can split the bill when going out with someone. Also this "waste of time" getting to know someone, or "the chase" is for many people the exciting part. See it like a sales pitch, where you try to make your product - i.e. you - as attractive as possible. Both should do this, if you feel it's one-sided, then end it. I am saying this, because I think you can hugely benefit from some social interaction like that.
    A frequently stated reason for having not had sex on a date is "I don't fancy him". Why, in each of those cases, did she choose to go on a date with someone she doesn't fancy? If you don't fancy someone, don't go on a date with that person. Don't waste his time, money and effort, leading him on. Decide before you go on a a date with someone that you do want to have sex with him. If you can't decide that beforehand, don't go on a date with him. He has already decided that he wants to have sex with you on the first date; he wouldn't be taking you on a date if he hadn't. Dating is merely a means to get sex; it is not an activity in its own right.

    Absolutely false. Let me see you how the rest of the world sees dating. It is a "the journey is the goal" thing. Getting to know someone exciting makes you feel good in it's own right. It is not purely a means to an end thing. People go on dates, because they enjoy human company, conversation etc. They use it to get to know somebody, to decide if they fancy them. If it was already determined you fancy someone, then the whole dating thing would be pointless, as you wish it would. All it would take instead of taking someone out on a date is a text that says, "ey bb u wan sum fuk?" and the carnal fun can begin.

    People find out about the other person on a date and THEN determine if they find them interesting, worthwhile, exciting, i.e. if they fancy them. People commonly go on way more dates with people that never go anywhere after 1 or 2 dates than dates that lead to sex/relationship or some such.

    If this concept is so alien to you and you see the date merely as an unavoidable ceremony that should lead to sex all the time then your idea of dating is fundamentally different from the people you try to have sex with and just explains once more why people feel disconnected from you when you go out with them. The dating IS an activity in it's own right and if someone you are on a date with gets wind that you don't really give a shit what she talks about and you are merely waiting until this burdensome time waste is over so you can go to fucking then I am not surprised in the slightest that this never worked out for you.

    Maybe a stupid question, but do you have problem making eye contact with people? If you give off the vibe that you are not enjoying yourself on the date and you obviously don't, then your date won't enjoy her time either and will decide to keep looking elsewhere.
    Emmalee wrote: »
    This.

    I'm dating my Partner, we're now Engaged, and I don't actually want sex. Well, not "all the time" I don't want it everyday..and not many people do, I'm quite happy with once a month, Dating doesn't mean Sex. Itts about Love, Maturity and Getting to know someone.

    Ok, but this is the other extreme end on the spectrum. If you start dating and you want sex once a month you are probably in the bottom 1% of people on the libido scale. Yes, sex is not the be all and end all, but it is yet a significant part of dating for the vast majority of people and I just wanted to point out to Adam0 that this is not the "norm" that needs to be expected.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Adam0 wrote: »
    A frequently stated reason for having not had sex on a date is "I don't fancy him". Why, in each of those cases, did she choose to go on a date with someone she doesn't fancy? If you don't fancy someone, don't go on a date with that person. Don't waste his time, money and effort, leading him on. Decide before you go on a a date with someone that you do want to have sex with him. If you can't decide that beforehand, don't go on a date with him. He has already decided that he wants to have sex with you on the first date; he wouldn't be taking you on a date if he hadn't. Dating is merely a means to get sex; it is not an activity in its own right.

    The issue isn't your autism, the issue is that you think the world owes you something. That's not an autistic thing, that's a "being an arsehole" thing.

    Agreeing to go on a date does not mean you have decided to have sex with someone. It means you might want sex with them, if they are interesting and attractive and there is an emotional connection of some description. That might be on a first date, it might be on a subsequent date.

    If dating were a logic gate, it would be "date AND emotional connection = sex".

    Buying someone dinner does not entitle you to sex. It is not a transaction.

    The only time sex is a transaction is when you are buying sex from a prostitute. If you want that transaction, go look on a prostitute advertising website, there are plenty of them around.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Adam0 wrote: »
    Being autistic means never being able to develop normal (let alone good) social and communication skills. if you're saying that I need those skills in order to get sex, then it's impossible for me to ever do so.

    No it doesn't. I have Autism. I am well aware that it's not easy.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Whichever professional has told you that you won't be able to develop normal social and communication skills should really be reviewed. It's not beneficial to you or even ethical to imply that you will never be able to have normal social relationships because as many have pointed out here, it simply isn't true. As a result it seems to have provided you with an "external locus of control" which means you will put blame on others actions rather than your own, which isn't beneficial towards enabling you to function in society because ultimately you are the master of your own behaviour, not someone else. That isn't to say it won't be easy, but things can get better and I feel once you're able to improve a little in understanding others motivations (which I understand is incredibly difficult for an autistic person) then you're ability to start a relationship with another, and therefore a sexual relationship will greatly improve. But first, I really do think you need to focus on improving your basic core social skills before jumping straight to sex with another person.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It isn't impossible for an autistic person to gain good social and communication skills. Granted it takes time and hard work but nothing is impossible. It could get better rather slowly over time, so you might not notice the difference until someone would point it out.

    Who would point out that I've improved? No-one cares about me and no-one ever compliments me in regard to anything.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Adam0 wrote: »
    Who would point out that I've improved? No-one cares about me and no-one ever compliments me in regard to anything.

    Try and make a friend - maybe that can be your goal to start with. If you can build a friendship then you're much more likely to be able to go on and build a better relationship with someone else - one that doesn't have to start and end with sex. You have to give yourself chance to learn. Autism doesn't have to hold you back at all but you have to try.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Emmalee wrote: »
    This.

    I'm dating my Partner, we're now Engaged, and I don't actually want sex. Well, not "all the time" I don't want it everyday..and not many people do, I'm quite happy with once a month, Dating doesn't mean Sex. Itts about Love, Maturity and Getting to know someone.

    One of the reasons that I've clearly stated on my dating profiles that I want sex on the first date, and during every subsequent time that I see her, is to avoid anyone who has a low or non-existent sex drive. I have heard many couples say that they had sex on their first date, and that they have sex every time they meet.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Adam0 wrote: »
    Who would point out that I've improved? No-one cares about me and no-one ever compliments me in regard to anything.

    Do you have any social care worker or any form of professional support to help manage your autism? There are therapies that could help you improve your ability to assess situations and perhaps others motivations so you may be better able to build relationships with others. These professionals would also be able to keep a track on your progress and so would be able to let you know if you've improved.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Try and make a friend - maybe that can be your goal to start with. If you can build a friendship then you're much more likely to be able to go on and build a better relationship with someone else - one that doesn't have to start and end with sex. You have to give yourself chance to learn. Autism doesn't have to hold you back at all but you have to try.

    I have on many occasions tried to make friends. In each case either of the following two things have happened: a) the person was a predator with an ulterior motive who victimised and exploited me, after tricking me into believing that (s)he was my friend. b) The person used me as merely a last resort to spend time with only when (s)he was bored and everyone else (s)he knew was busy; in these cases, most of the arrangements we made they did not even try to keep to. No-one has ever genuinely wanted to be my friend. Everyone I thought was my friend was only using me and never liked me.

    If autism need not hold a sufferer back, there'd be examples are autistic people who are smooth-talking Casanovas. I'd love to find out about them, if they exist.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nietzsche wrote: »
    Do you have any social care worker or any form of professional support to help manage your autism? There are therapies that could help you improve your ability to assess situations and perhaps others motivations so you may be better able to build relationships with others. These professionals would also be able to keep a track on your progress and so would be able to let you know if you've improved.

    No, but I've asked for help on many occasions. I was told years ago (before I was diagnosed with autism) that I'd been put on the waiting list for psychotherapy, yet I have not received it. Many people have told me that they are going to help me; none of them have actually done so.
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    Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Adam0 wrote: »
    No, but I've asked for help on many occasions. I was told years ago (before I was diagnosed with autism) that I'd been put on the waiting list for psychotherapy, yet I have not received it. Many people have told me that they are going to help me; none of them have actually done so.

    I know it's not what you started this thread for, but it does sound like you might need to take a step back before looking for sexual relationships, and work a bit on communication and friendships. I think if you can commit to doing that first, that you will in time find your way forward. I'm sorry that you haven't been given support (such as psychotherapy) yet, that's not good.

    I've just been having a look through the National Autistic Society's website, and there are a few sections I think you might find useful?:

    A guide to Social skills for adolescents and adults with autism

    It might be helpful to look at meeting other people with autism, and seeing how they deal with these things.

    They also have a helpline, and a directory of services so you can look for things local to you.

    Have a look, and let us know what you think.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    You do not need to waste hundreds of pounds wining and dining someone. It's 2015, you can split the bill when going out with someone. Also this "waste of time" getting to know someone, or "the chase" is for many people the exciting part. See it like a sales pitch, where you try to make your product - i.e. you - as attractive as possible. Both should do this, if you feel it's one-sided, then end it. I am saying this, because I think you can hugely benefit from some social interaction like that.

    All the advice I've read is that the man must pay for everything on a date and that this is especially important on a first date. If he doesn't, he will be deemed a cheapskate and his chance of getting sex, or even a second date, from her is virtually zero.

    'The chase/getting to know someone' may be exciting for many people. For me, it is an expensive, frustrating, tedious waste of time. Likening it to a sales pitch does not help me, because I could never sell anything - my impaired social/communication skills, introversion, lack of confidence etc. make me incapable of being a salesman.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To me, going on a date without having sex is like going to a supermarket, loading many items of food into the trolley, going to the checkout and paying for them, then not being allowed to take any of the food home.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have you seriously considered relationship counselling or something?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In my opinion you should do tthe following;

    1) Stop treating Woman as if they're worthless, Like you're just with them for their body Parts, Treat them like you'd want to be treated yourself, Respected.
    2) Realise sex 5 times a day, every day for 10 years..Is like asking for ice cream not to melt in the sun.
    3) If nothing else works, Just go to a brothel..because, You'll get sex, Right?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    Have you seriously considered relationship counselling or something?

    I went to Relate. The counsellor there only questioned me about my childhood; she would not discuss my inability to get sex, let alone advise me about it.

    I applied to have counselling from the NHS. They refused me, due to my problems being more severe and long-term than they are able to help with.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've read advice on several sites about how to get sex. It says that he needs to sweep her off her feet, impress her, tell her funny stories to make her laugh, charm her and seduce her. It also says that although that is what she wants, she will not help him to achieve that; he has to do all the work. How on earth do I do any of that?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Something I've read on many sources is that the vast majority of women want to have sex with men who are confident and have high self-esteem. My levels of confidence and self-esteem have always been low. How can I gain high levels of confidence and self-esteem, when everything goes wrong for me, I'm extremely unlucky and deprived, no-one ever compliments me and I'm an outcast? On one of the dating websites, it asks me to state what my most attractive physical feature is. How am I supposed to answer that? No-one has ever said that I, or any part of me, is attractive.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We're just going around in circles now. Have you read any of the advice anyone on here has given you?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    We're just going around in circles now. Have you read any of the advice anyone on here has given you?

    Yes, and you can see that I've responded to many of the points stated. What I need are specific ways to improve. What has happened almost every time that I've tried to improve any aspect of my life is that I'm obstructed, misled, insulted, ridiculed and victimised. I still don't understand why getting sex has to be so complicated, time-consuming, contradictory, confusing and expensive. The vast majority of people have sex in their teens, so they've mastered the ability to get sex.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Adam0 wrote: »
    Yes, and you can see that I've responded to many of the points stated. What I need are specific ways to improve. What has happened almost every time that I've tried to improve any aspect of my life is that I'm obstructed, misled, insulted, ridiculed and victimised. I still don't understand why getting sex has to be so complicated, time-consuming, contradictory, confusing and expensive. The vast majority of people have sex in their teens, so they've mastered the ability to get sex.

    It isn't a skill. You don't learn in your teens and then automatically know how to get girls in bed for the rest of your life. I won't bother repeating what's already been said, though I kinda just did. Re-read the thread.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Adam0 wrote: »
    Yes, and you can see that I've responded to many of the points stated. What I need are specific ways to improve. What has happened almost every time that I've tried to improve any aspect of my life is that I'm obstructed, misled, insulted, ridiculed and victimised. I still don't understand why getting sex has to be so complicated, time-consuming, contradictory, confusing and expensive. The vast majority of people have sex in their teens, so they've mastered the ability to get sex.

    Okay, though everyone has already provided all the advice you need I will do a brief summary so that you can attempt to implement it.

    1) Resolve your "victim complex"- you are putting mental blocks in place for improvement by believing everyone is out to get you when really they're simply trying to help. You can receive help for this through counselling so speak to your GP about a referral.
    2) Consider asking for some support in therapies that can improve mindfulness- this can help put you in the perspective of another person and so you will be able to assess situations more appropriately and perhaps improve your ability to gain relationships with others.
    3) Once you can understand effectively how relationships work and feel comfortable with maintaining a relationship (as they are based on trust and mutual respect) then you can broach the subject of sex. At the moment I don't think you're mature enough for it. Sorry.

    I hope that helps and that you see an improvement soon.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nietzsche wrote: »
    Resolve your "victim complex"- you are putting mental blocks in place for improvement by believing everyone is out to get you when really they're simply trying to help.

    No-one offline has ever helped me or tried to (when I was growing up I didn't even have sufficient food to eat and had to wear hand-me-down clothes that didn't fit properly, despite my family having had sufficient money to have given me a decent upbringing); that's why I'm asking for advice on sites such at this one.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nietzsche wrote: »
    You can receive help for this through counselling so speak to your GP about a referral.

    I had an appointment with my GP, at which I asked him to refer me for counselling. He told me that GPs don't refer people any more and that I need to phone a number on a card that he gave me. I phoned the counselling service and answered all of their questions honestly and fully. They refused to take me as a client, telling me that my problems are too severe and complex for them to help me with. I told them that I'd rather have some help from them than nothing; they said that their decision is final - they will not give me counselling. This is one of the hundreds of instances during my life in which I've tried to obtain help, yet my efforts have been fruitless because my plan has been blocked.

    I can't afford to pay for counselling, so I don't know how to move forward in that regard.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nietzsche wrote: »
    Once you can understand effectively how relationships work and feel comfortable with maintaining a relationship (as they are based on trust and mutual respect) then you can broach the subject of sex. At the moment I don't think you're mature enough for it.

    The average person first has sex in their mid-teens. Therefore you must consider me to be less mature than the average person of that age, despite the fact that it's clear from the way I write that I'm well-educated and of above-average intelligence.
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