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Really not doing well
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So.. I've never been good at starting threads, or just making threads in general, but yeah..
I'm struggling, I'm not okay, I'm so far from okay and I have been for a while now and I can't cope with pretending anymore, I can't cope with anything at all, I can't cope with being alone anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I have good friends, especially one of them, she's done so much for me and I appreciate her so much, but I just feel like I'm letting her down by being a fuck up and feeling down all the time, if I carry on like this I'll lose her and others, because that's just what happens. That's what always happens. I don't want to lose people anymore, I can't cope with it, it hurts. I feel in their way all the time though, I feel like they're better off without me.. Wouldn't matter if I disappeared, if I just vanished.
I'm so tired, I wake up tired, I have no energy, I'd rather hide in my room than have to face people, to face judgement. I can't even do the simplest things anymore, getting out of bed is too much effort and I'd happily not do it.
Everything's going down hill, especially my eating. I can't even eat without feeling sick anymore, I hate eating. I hate feeling fat, I hate it. I hate my weight, I hate myself. I don't even blame other people for hating me anymore. I want to hurt myself, but I can't so I'm just letting my eating get worse.
Things at home are shitty, I'm never good enough and I never will be good enough because I'm not my sister. I'm tired of being a let down to my family, I'm tired of being a let down in general, but that's all I'll ever be so I better get used to it.
Everyone expects me to be okay, but how am I supposed okay when everything's falling apart? I'm not good at anything, I'm no good for anything, so what's the point? What's the point in trying when I have no chance of getting through this? Everything's pointless.
I just don't care what happens to me anymore, my entire existence is pointless
I'm struggling, I'm not okay, I'm so far from okay and I have been for a while now and I can't cope with pretending anymore, I can't cope with anything at all, I can't cope with being alone anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I have good friends, especially one of them, she's done so much for me and I appreciate her so much, but I just feel like I'm letting her down by being a fuck up and feeling down all the time, if I carry on like this I'll lose her and others, because that's just what happens. That's what always happens. I don't want to lose people anymore, I can't cope with it, it hurts. I feel in their way all the time though, I feel like they're better off without me.. Wouldn't matter if I disappeared, if I just vanished.
I'm so tired, I wake up tired, I have no energy, I'd rather hide in my room than have to face people, to face judgement. I can't even do the simplest things anymore, getting out of bed is too much effort and I'd happily not do it.
Everything's going down hill, especially my eating. I can't even eat without feeling sick anymore, I hate eating. I hate feeling fat, I hate it. I hate my weight, I hate myself. I don't even blame other people for hating me anymore. I want to hurt myself, but I can't so I'm just letting my eating get worse.
Things at home are shitty, I'm never good enough and I never will be good enough because I'm not my sister. I'm tired of being a let down to my family, I'm tired of being a let down in general, but that's all I'll ever be so I better get used to it.
Everyone expects me to be okay, but how am I supposed okay when everything's falling apart? I'm not good at anything, I'm no good for anything, so what's the point? What's the point in trying when I have no chance of getting through this? Everything's pointless.
I just don't care what happens to me anymore, my entire existence is pointless
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Comments
Aw sorry to hear that.I do understand how you feel.
Please try not to feel that way.You are a really strong person who is just going through a time at the momwnt but things will get better.They really will.
Have you considered going to the doctors yet?They would be able to offer you help and support.It would be a step in the right direction.
How are you feeling?
I'm not a strong person, I'm not. You don't know that things will get better though..
I can't go to the doctors.
I'm feeling like shit, but I really don't care. I'm so numb
Why cant you go to the doctors?xx
I don't think anyone can say "things will get better". That's not me having a dig at you at all AngelFace, I used to say exactly the same thing all of the time! Over time I've learnt that it's better not to essentially guarantee that someone will definitely feel better as that could lead to a huge amount of added bad feelings (which would be nobody's fault).
At this point Hiccup, and in your situation, I think it's worth pointing out that things can get better. I know that must be incredibly hard for you to believe and right now you probably don't even want to believe that which is absolutely okay and allowed.
I realise this might be a hard question to answer so please don't feel pressured to but I was wondering what is it, if anything, that's keeping you here? What's that one thing in your life that seems immensely important, that one positive thing? I was also wondering, where would you like to be when you're 30? What would you like your life to look like? Try and imagine it as though you weren't experiencing all of these painful thoughts and feelings.
Finally, and I know I say this a lot but I will continue to do so - I think you're a strong person, you have an immense amount of strength which is so clear to see every single day that you continue to battle this. I also think you're such an important person and I for one would certainly notice if you vanished.
Hang in there you - you're doing so, so well *hug* *hug*
I just can't..
Everything just keeps getting harder and I can't cope with it anymore:(
You're right, at the minute I can't believe it, everything seems so overwhelming and getting through it and getting better seems impossible.
Honestly, at the moment there's 2 reasons I'm still here, one of them being one of my friends, I love her to pieces, I said I'd always be there for her when she needed me and after everything she's done for me I don't want to let her down, she's spent far too many nights dealing with my shit for me to just leave. I care about her too much to leave at the moment.
The other reason is simply because I can't deal with failing again, I just can't.
I can't imagine how things will be if I get to 30, I'm surprised I even got to 18 tbh, I just can't really think that far ahead right now if that makes sense?
I'm really not that strong anymore lovely, I don't have the energy to carry on being strong, being strong got me nowhere
Thank you *hug* *hug*
Is there a reason?
And I know it is notna dig at me Butterfly however I do strongly believe that things will and do get better for EVERYONE one day.It just takes longer for some than others, myself included in that.xx
There is a reason, yes.
I really don't think you can say it 'will' get better unless you can see the future, which I doubt you can
It does get bettter for everyone in life, even if it is just a little.
Can we ask what the reason is?
Okay, you're allowed to think that. But when you've been told it for years and things just keep getting worse hearing it doesn't make me feel better because it just feels like a lie, it makes me feel like I'm doing everything wrong because I'm not better.
You can ask, you probably won't get an answer though
Yeah.Well things aremt better for me at all either but I know that one day, either in the near future or far future, they will get better.It does get better for everyone.Of course I am allowed to think that,
Listen, i am only trying to help so dont throw it back in my face.People moan when i say"horrible"things etc and moan when i try to help.I cant win.
Well, why cant you then?
You very clearly care an awful lot about your friend and it sounds like she feels exactly the same about you. That's a really positive and important thing to have in life Hiccup so please do try and cling on to that for as long as you can. Lean on her whether it's for laughs or support - having that bond with someone really can do wonders :yes:
It's certainly understandable that you can't think about your future right now so that's okay. If you find it easier to focus on each day as it comes then that's great.
Do you have a safety plan at all?
We're always here for you *hug*
And you need to accept that I'm allowed to think that they won't get better.
I'm not throwing anything back in your face?? Don't bring your issues with other people up on my thread, not once have I moaned at you.
I just can't.. I don't think I need to justify it with a reason, obviously if I could go I would
I feel bad for leaning on her all the time, she has her own things going on as well and I just feel like I'll end up making everything's worse, when I start leaning on people too much they leave and I find that really hard to cope with.
I don't have a safety plan at the minute, no
Thank you *hug*
I do accept that.Of xourse I do.But I dont want you to think your the only one like this.Itll get better one day, it does and has to for everyone(everyone everywhere).
Okay.I was only asking the reason though to try to see if we could help you.
I am not bringing any of my issues with other people up on here, not in the slightest.
I don't think I'm the only one like this? I know I'm not the only one like this. It doesn't have to get better for everyone, not at all.
You can't help me with it though, if I thought I could be helped I would've said something.
You were talking about how everyone basically moans at you no matter what you say, it may just be the way I see it, but id say that was bringing up issues with other people that don't particularly need to be brought up here, I've not moaned at you once on this thread so it was a little uncalled for
I think when it comes to supportive friends like yourself and your friend, communication really is key. It might be a good idea to talk to her about how you're feeling, so mentioning to her what you've told us here, which in turn would give her the chance to express how she's feeling about the situation. Having an honest conversation together I think would really help to ease the concerns either of you might have.
Having known you for a little while now, I really don't doubt that you're supporting her just as much as she's supporting you so please try not to worry too much. Just make sure both of you try to set yourselves boundaries.
How would you feel about making yourself a safety plan? We could help you if it's something you feel open to try?
*hug*
Okay so it might not have to but IT DEFINITELY DOES!
Help is the start to everything xx
Yeah I guess, I think with my mind and the way I think, I'll always have the worry of leaning on her too much and making her leave.
I wouldn't know where to start with a safety plan at all
How does it come across that way? I've never once said, or implied that I'm the only person that feels like this. And I never would.
You can't know that for definite.
I don't really know what to say but I just wanna echo what butterfly has said we are always here for you.
*hug*s
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
Hiccup isn't throwing anything in your face. You are able to have your opinion but hiccup is using this thread to get some support that she really deserves, and I don't think it's very appropriate to reply the way your replying. I know your trying to be supportive but maybe try and think before you type.
I guess it's just about trying to remember that we are all individual and what one person is thinking/feeling may be different to what somebody else is thinking/feeling. Yes you can believe that things will get better for yourself, but then other people may find that harder to believe about themselves. I hope I have made sense. It sounded better in my head.
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
Thank you
I do know.It seems impossible for me too atm but i do stil know.
Im not trying to cause anythin here btw everyone
I do not believe that things will get better for myself soon however i do know that it will all get better for everyone everywhere one day!!
X
I think it made sense :yes:
Just try to remember that your self-judgement clouds reality. I'm telling you, as a friend, that you really are incredibly kind and supportive and I know you hate it when you're not okay and you're leaning on others for support but it's honestly okay not to be okay, you're allowed to struggle, you're allowed to find things hard. People care and they want to be there for you hun.
In terms of a safety plan, this is a really good starting point:
http://studentsagainstdepression.org/downloads/workbook/module1/keeping_myself_safe_worksheet.pdf
If you read through that then you'll get the idea of what a safety plan should involve. Some you could probably fill out yourself but please do let us know if you're struggling with any of it because I'm sure there are plenty of us that would be willing to help, me included.
*hug*
Okay well, I'm dropping the conversation about things getting better now, because I still think it's impossible, but hey I'm glad you have hope for yourself
I really hate having to lean on others, I want to be strong enough to do it on my own, but when info end up doing it in my own, I just crash and break completely and then I just feel pathetic for not being able to do it by myself when I should be able to.
Thank you for the link, I'll give it a read when I get on my laptop later on.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me
*hug*
I definitely do not have hope for myself i just know that it will definitely get better for each and every one o us one day.I am still waiting for my turn in that too xx