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Really not doing well

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's not going to do your friends much good if you completely fall apart though, they'll be left wondering "why didn't we see this coming?" and it'll end up hurting them too. Your well being is their well being and they'd want you to ask for support if you needed it (and it's clear you do). They also may not realise they're taking you for granted at times so perhaps telling them you feel like they could make a bit more of an effort might be beneficial? If they act defensive, or try to make you feel worse for telling them how you feel- then perhaps they're not friends you should be investing so much time and energy in. Friendships have to work both ways after all and you deserve supporting and caring friends too.

    I think perhaps speaking to someone about how you're feeling will be beneficial. Do you mind explaining why you don't want to go? If it's due to a bad experience with a doctor, remember that one doctor's opinion is not representative of the entire medical profession and you have the right to seek help from someone you feel will be supportive, so if you're up to it- you can ask to speak to someone else.

    In regards to taking time off work, you'd be surprised the number of people who call in sick because of their mood. You wouldn't be the first or the last person to ask for a little bit of time off to recuperate. Work would probably prefer you to take time off to ensure you were better because being happier, means being more productive and that's beneficial to them. You could always discuss a reduced work schedule with your manager and explain that you're just needing a bit more time to yourself because your mental health is suffering at the moment. Businesses have to be willing to compromise after all.

    I hope things improve for you soon any way. Sending love and support x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not doing my friends any good anyway, I've never done them any good.

    I can't speak to anyone, I don't need to speak to anyone. I'll be fine on my own.

    I can't take time off work, I need the money
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why do people think it's helpful or even okay to imply I'm not trying? How the fuck would you know whether I'm trying or not if you're never fucking there. Just because my trying may not be up to your standards doesn't mean I'm not giving it my all. Just because I don't have professional support in place does not mean I'm not trying. I'm trying my best but it's so clear now that it's not enough. Nothing I ever do is enough and it's so fucking tiring and I can't cope with it.

    My friends are pretty useless. When I need them most they're never there but the second I'm not there for them because I'm busy at work all hell breaks lose. Why am I expected to be there all the time when they can't even reply to a message asking for help? And then they wonder why I don't reach out. If you ignore me enough when I need you most I will stop reaching out to you.

    I genuinely believe it would've been better for everyone if my parents never had me, if they'd simply aborted me when they had the chance. Nobody else wants me here, it's seems like all I am is a waste of space, someone who is simply in the way no matter where I am or no matter what I do.

    All I've wanted lately is to simply be happy, to have just one okay day, but of course that can't happen. Of course I can't get rid of these thoughts and of course I have to deal with it on my own.

    Everyone that once mattered has left, my best friends killed themselves, another just walked away so easily like I never mattered to them.
  • JamesJames Deactivated Posts: 1,706 Extreme Poster
    Hey Hiccup,

    I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling so alone. It sounds like things are really tough and that no-one seems to understand what you're going through every day. I can only begin to imagine how much harder that must make everything feel.

    From your last few posts, it comes across that you're feeling pretty bad about yourself and kind of wish you weren't here. That's a horrible thing to be going through, particularly as you say you're friends aren't really there for you at the moment. It must be hard to believe that you're worth anything when it feels like you're not valued.

    No-one should have to deal with those kinds of thoughts alone.

    Opening up a bit here isn't always easy, so continuing to talk to us is a really positive step and clear evidence of how hard you're trying to fight these thoughts. We're here to listen for as long as you need :)

    You mentioned quite a few reasons stopping you going to your GP. Making an appointment is a big step, so it's understandable if you're not keen on the idea yet. There are quite a few in-between options too, such as accessing 1-2-1 support online. I'm guessing you know most of the usual places, but would it be helpful to link a few here?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hiccup wrote: »
    I'm not doing my friends any good anyway, I've never done them any good.

    I can't speak to anyone, I don't need to speak to anyone. I'll be fine on my own.

    I can't take time off work, I need the money

    1) I'm sure you've done them plenty of good in the past, they wouldn't be friends with you if they didn't appreciate your company and your help. The fact they come to you for advice indicates to me that they trust you and so value your friendship (though it does seem to be a little one sided at the moment... Which believe it or not, I can understand how frustrating it is)

    2) It's completely up to yourself whether you feel ready to ask for extra support or not, it's your decision but always know there are people there to help if you ever want/need it.

    3) You'd be entitled to statutory sick pay from your employer and income support from the government if you took time off work, you'd also be able to receive help with paying your rent through housing benefit. Obviously, it's up to yourself whether or not you feel it would be beneficial to take some time off work, but I definitely think it may be worth considering. I've provided a couple of links on SSP and Income Support so you'd be able to make a more informed decision.

    http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/work_e/work_time_off_work_e/off_work_because_of_sickness.htm

    http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/benefits_e/benefits_help_if_on_a_low_income_ew/help_for_people_on_a_low_income_-_income_support.htm#h_who_can_you_get_income_support_for

    I'm so sorry things are so difficult at the moment, and I do hope things improve for you. Please feel free to message if you ever need to vent.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    James wrote: »
    Hey Hiccup,

    I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling so alone. It sounds like things are really tough and that no-one seems to understand what you're going through every day. I can only begin to imagine how much harder that must make everything feel.

    From your last few posts, it comes across that you're feeling pretty bad about yourself and kind of wish you weren't here. That's a horrible thing to be going through, particularly as you say you're friends aren't really there for you at the moment. It must be hard to believe that you're worth anything when it feels like you're not valued.

    No-one should have to deal with those kinds of thoughts alone.

    Opening up a bit here isn't always easy, so continuing to talk to us is a really positive step and clear evidence of how hard you're trying to fight these thoughts. We're here to listen for as long as you need :)

    You mentioned quite a few reasons stopping you going to your GP. Making an appointment is a big step, so it's understandable if you're not keen on the idea yet. There are quite a few in-between options too, such as accessing 1-2-1 support online. I'm guessing you know most of the usual places, but would it be helpful to link a few here?

    Hey James,

    It's not just that they don't understand, it's that they just try and assume how I'm feeling or they act like they know me better than me, when they don't. It's getting frustrating now because it's like people think they know me better than I know me and that I'm wrong about how I'm feeling.

    Yeah, I think right now I wish more than anything that I wasn't here, it just seems like it's the only way to make everyone else happy. Nothing seems like it's going to get better any time soon, so the fight kinda seems pointless.

    I know some places, but if you could link me that would be helpful as well.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nietzsche wrote: »
    1) I'm sure you've done them plenty of good in the past, they wouldn't be friends with you if they didn't appreciate your company and your help. The fact they come to you for advice indicates to me that they trust you and so value your friendship (though it does seem to be a little one sided at the moment... Which believe it or not, I can understand how frustrating it is)

    2) It's completely up to yourself whether you feel ready to ask for extra support or not, it's your decision but always know there are people there to help if you ever want/need it.

    3) You'd be entitled to statutory sick pay from your employer and income support from the government if you took time off work, you'd also be able to receive help with paying your rent through housing benefit. Obviously, it's up to yourself whether or not you feel it would be beneficial to take some time off work, but I definitely think it may be worth considering. I've provided a couple of links on SSP and Income Support so you'd be able to make a more informed decision.

    http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/work_e/work_time_off_work_e/off_work_because_of_sickness.htm

    http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/benefits_e/benefits_help_if_on_a_low_income_ew/help_for_people_on_a_low_income_-_income_support.htm#h_who_can_you_get_income_support_for

    I'm so sorry things are so difficult at the moment, and I do hope things improve for you. Please feel free to message if you ever need to vent.

    I obviously didn't do a few of them much good if they ended up killing themselves. Maybe they just come to me because they know I won't walk away from them, no matter how badly they treat me they know I can't leave. I don't think it comes down to being friends anymore, I think it comes down to the fact that everyone else is too busy or everyone else has bailed on them, so I'm the last choice and they know I won't turn them away no matter how shitty things are for me.

    But if I took time off work, there's no reason for me to get out of bed, there's no reason to leave the house, there's no reason to do anything. At least when I have work, I have to get up, I have to face the world. If I was off of work, I wouldn't leave my house and then I'd end up just getting worse.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hiccup wrote: »
    I obviously didn't do a few of them much good if they ended up killing themselves. Maybe they just come to me because they know I won't walk away from them, no matter how badly they treat me they know I can't leave. I don't think it comes down to being friends anymore, I think it comes down to the fact that everyone else is too busy or everyone else has bailed on them, so I'm the last choice and they know I won't turn them away no matter how shitty things are for me.

    But if I took time off work, there's no reason for me to get out of bed, there's no reason to leave the house, there's no reason to do anything. At least when I have work, I have to get up, I have to face the world. If I was off of work, I wouldn't leave my house and then I'd end up just getting worse.

    I'm sorry that's how you feel your friends are treating you, and in regards to your other friend. I'm sure you did the best you could to support them- you really mustn't blame yourself. Have you said to your friends you feel like you're being used as a last resort by them? If they are using you as a "last resort" perhaps it may be best to break ties with them and focus on yourself for a while, because it seems to be doing more harm for you to attempt to reach out/maintain the relationship than it would if you were getting support elsewhere and focusing on yourself.

    If you feel work is a more positive place for you to be at the moment, then by all means continue to work. Just know that the option is there if you do feel that taking a break may be required. Don't ever feel as though you HAVE to keep working at the expense of your health. It's honestly not worth it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nietzsche wrote: »
    I'm sorry that's how you feel your friends are treating you, and in regards to your other friend. I'm sure you did the best you could to support them- you really mustn't blame yourself. Have you said to your friends you feel like you're being used as a last resort by them? If they are using you as a "last resort" perhaps it may be best to break ties with them and focus on yourself for a while, because it seems to be doing more harm for you to attempt to reach out/maintain the relationship than it would if you were getting support elsewhere and focusing on yourself.

    If you feel work is a more positive place for you to be at the moment, then by all means continue to work. Just know that the option is there if you do feel that taking a break may be required. Don't ever feel as though you HAVE to keep working at the expense of your health. It's honestly not worth it.

    It's easy to blame yourself for it, when others blame you too. It's so easy to go to the 'what ifs'. What if I'd been there more, what if I'd been a better friend, what if I'd made more of an effort, everything could be so different. She could still be here, but she isn't. I can't not blame myself for it. It's really hard to focus on myself, when I know that other people need me and even though I know I'm their last resort, it's hard for me to walk away. Even if I try to, they tend to say the right things to make me stay. They'll say things like 'your friend killed yourself because you wasn't there, are you really gonna risk that happening again' and the truth is I can't risk it.

    Right now work is a bit of a mix, there are some days where it helps and where I manage okay, but there are others when I can't cope with it. But I feel if I did take time off, I'd not cope either because I wouldn't have the option to go to work. But at the same time I don't feel like I can let work down and call in if I'm having a bad day, I wouldn't be taken seriously at work anymore
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hiccup wrote: »
    It's easy to blame yourself for it, when others blame you too. It's so easy to go to the 'what ifs'. What if I'd been there more, what if I'd been a better friend, what if I'd made more of an effort, everything could be so different. She could still be here, but she isn't. I can't not blame myself for it. It's really hard to focus on myself, when I know that other people need me and even though I know I'm their last resort, it's hard for me to walk away. Even if I try to, they tend to say the right things to make me stay. They'll say things like 'your friend killed yourself because you wasn't there, are you really gonna risk that happening again' and the truth is I can't risk it.

    Right now work is a bit of a mix, there are some days where it helps and where I manage okay, but there are others when I can't cope with it. But I feel if I did take time off, I'd not cope either because I wouldn't have the option to go to work. But at the same time I don't feel like I can let work down and call in if I'm having a bad day, I wouldn't be taken seriously at work anymore

    Your friends are being incredinly judgemental and down right unfair in my opinion. Arguably hypocritical if these are the same people who're constantly letting you down. Of course, I don't want to tell you who to associate with, but if this is how they treat a struggling friend.. are they really people you want to have around?

    I understand completely how you feel, I was always hesitant about calling work to say I wasn't able to come in, and in the end it meant my mental health deteriorated further because I felt I wasn't coping, yet couldn't say no. It may not be the same for you, but of course I have now come to the conclusion that there are always other jobs if this one is proving to be too much of a strain. Have you had the opportunity to speak to your assistant manager about what possible things she could put in place if you have a bad turn while at work?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I really don't want to be alive, I don't know how to make any of this better. I'm so broken and I don't know how to fix it. I'm so lost and alone and everything gets more pointless as the days go past.
    The thoughts are too much, I need them to stop. I need it all to stop
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We're here for you Hiccup and we'll stand by your side and help you along as you find your way forward.

    I can see that you posted this yesterday evening and you sound really overwhelmed in what you have written here. How are you doing today? Is there anyone that you do feel you can turn to when things get really hard?

    Sending hugs *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't really know how I'm doing anymore, I relapsed last night. I feel kinda numb, I'm not sure if feeling numb is better than feeling overwhelmed.

    There's one person, maybe two depending on what's going on. But I don't want to constantly get in their way all time time, I don't want to bother them. My best friend is brilliant and she does an awful lot for me, but I feel in her way a lot despite how much she reassures me that I'm not. I don't really know I feel it would be better for everyone if I was out of the way
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Talking to a friend who lives miles away has made me think about how lonely I actually am, sure I have people online, but when it comes down to it I have nobody in my local area. I think this is part of the problem but I don't know how to fix it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Are there any local groups you can join? Maybe you could take up a new hobby?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    Are there any local groups you can join? Maybe you could take up a new hobby?

    I wouldn't even know where to find any local groups.
    I work most days so I don't really have the time to take up a new hobby
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fucking hell. I hate this. I hate this stupid life.

    Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I want to die.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    And once again there's nobody fucking there.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Hey Hiccup, *hug*

    Just wanted to check in to see how your feeling today? :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey *hug*

    I feel overwhelmingly sad, I can't quite put my finger on why I'm so sad though, but it really fucking sucks.

    I don't know how to make things better anymore, I don't know how to fix myself or how to make it all go away. I'm not too sure how to cope, I'm not to sure I want to cope.

    I've been thinking a lot over the last few days about how my existence doesn't matter and that I could leave and nobody would be effected by it
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Really sorry to hear your feeling that way, :heart:

    People would be affected if you left, I would and I know others on TheSite would. I know we have had our differences in the past but I honestly do care. *hug*

    Your not alone, do you wanna chat more about what your thinking/feeling?
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Really sorry to hear your feeling that way, :heart:

    People would be affected if you left, I would and I know others on TheSite would. I know we have had our differences in the past but I honestly do care. *hug*

    Your not alone, do you wanna chat more about what your thinking/feeling?

    Actually, my best friend would care and she'd maybe be affected by it but I guess that's about it really.

    I think that's debatable, an awful lot of people on here don't care, they've proven that. Especially those of them that were once friends. Some of the people that know who I actually am on here wouldn't give a shit. I used to be so close with so many people, from here and in real life, but now I've got basically nobody and I can't express how lonely it is and how badly it hurts.

    I don't even know how to explain what's going on anymore, it's all just one big mess. It all seems pointless to me.

    Thank you for the reply *hug*
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    I guess that cos you know your best friend will care and may be affected by this means something. *hug*

    I can relate to the feeling of being lonely, I really can. But I care.

    Sorry your feeling this way, you can get through this. I have faith in you.

    I am here if you want a chat. Sorry if I'm not really helping.

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    How you feeling today lovely? :heart:

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How you feeling today lovely? :heart:

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

    I'm not sure, I don't feel as bad as I did last night. I was an absolute mess last night.

    I've been reading through my old threads/posts on the boards and seeing that the people who used to care don't give a shit anymore really fucking hurts. Knowing that I'm not as much a part of the community as I used to be anymore hurts. I feel as if I'm intruding.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    You are part of this community and always will be. Sorry your feeling this way.

    Wish I had something helpful to say. Sorry lovely. :heart:
    *hug*

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hiccup wrote: »
    I'm not sure, I don't feel as bad as I did last night. I was an absolute mess last night.

    I've been reading through my old threads/posts on the boards and seeing that the people who used to care don't give a shit anymore really fucking hurts. Knowing that I'm not as much a part of the community as I used to be anymore hurts. I feel as if I'm intruding.

    hey Hiccup,

    Change is a funny old thing. It can be painful and difficult to reflect on times when things were different and it sounds like you're sad that some of these people don't reply anymore and you're feeling lonely.

    I wonder if there is anything positive that has come out of moving on from different friends. Maybe it has led you to make new ones here for example or to consider what true friendship really means to you?

    It sounds like your best friend is a superstar and having a friend like that is also testament to what you give to that relationship. You're worthy of friendship and you have a lot to offer.

    As BananaMonkey says, you are valued here and very much a part of this community. I wonder if replying to some more of the light-hearted threads might help you to feel connected and more involved? That feeling of intruding must be hard to break through but please do hear that you're welcome here :yes:

    You mentioned that you work a lot and it's hard to find time to fit in much else - if you had more time what sort of things might you like to try or could you see yourself doing? Have you ever done any volunteering for example?

    Sometimes just imagining a more positive routine can help you to make it happen.

    Big hug *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jo7 wrote: »
    hey Hiccup,

    Change is a funny old thing. It can be painful and difficult to reflect on times when things were different and it sounds like you're sad that some of these people don't reply anymore and you're feeling lonely.

    I wonder if there is anything positive that has come out of moving on from different friends. Maybe it has led you to make new ones here for example or to consider what true friendship really means to you?

    It sounds like your best friend is a superstar and having a friend like that is also testament to what you give to that relationship. You're worthy of friendship and you have a lot to offer.

    As BananaMonkey says, you are valued here and very much a part of this community. I wonder if replying to some more of the light-hearted threads might help you to feel connected and more involved? That feeling of intruding must be hard to break through but please do hear that you're welcome here :yes:

    You mentioned that you work a lot and it's hard to find time to fit in much else - if you had more time what sort of things might you like to try or could you see yourself doing? Have you ever done any volunteering for example?

    Sometimes just imagining a more positive routine can help you to make it happen.

    Big hug *hug*

    Hey Jo,

    I'm not sad that they don't reply to my posts anymore, I don't expect people to reply to my posts anymore and I'm okay with that, I'm not okay with how easy it was for them to stop caring though, it leaves me questioning whether or not they ever cared to begin with. It backs up what I was saying the other day about how people only care to make themselves look like a good person. I don't know how to explain it, it's just pretty upsetting to see everyone you used to be friends with, without you. Like there are people I used to talk to on a daily basis but now I don't exist to them, I used to be a part of their lives and now I'm simply nothing.

    There's a few positives I guess, if one of them hadn't hurt me so bad and ruined everything id never have first met my current best friend. But mainly there are just negatives, they just confined the fact that all people do is leave. I don't trust anyone as much anymore now.

    When I've tried to get involved with more light hearted posts I tend to get ignored so I've just given up now.

    I don't really know what I'd do if I didn't work as much, I don't have any friends to do anything with and my anxiety gets too bad to do anything by myself. I might be going back to college again in September, maybe that will make things better, I doubt it though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nothing's going to fix the fact that I want to die
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