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Sorry for the ridiculously late reply, I've been a pretty shit person lately..
I'm so broken and such a mess, I don't want to do any of this anymore.
I'm tired of friends, it's so one way with some of them and it's draining me now, I'll always be there for them, but whenever I need them they run.
My head is a mess and I have far too many thoughts. I'm supposed to have a meeting with a psych on Tuesday but honestly I don't think I'm going to go, it seems pointless. I'm beyond help, I don't need someone to sit and tell me things I already know.
I'm quite happy just getting drunk, not having to deal with life. It seems like a much better option than facing reality by myself.
What's going on Hiccup? *hug*
Just people.
I had an appointment yesterday with someone from the CMHT, which I'd had no intention of going to, but a friend came with me so I went to it. Even though that friend was there it was still really hard for me to go to the appointment, I could barely get myself in the building, but nobody seems to get that it was hard and that I struggled an awful lot.
The man suggested a lot of things for me to do, which was actually really overwhelming and I struggled to cope with all of the things that he wanted me to do, I spoke to some different people about it and told them what had been suggested but I didn't think I could do any of it right now, because physically I can't do it all and go to work at the same time.
So obviously because I can't do it all they think I'm not trying and have basically just given up on being there when they don't even realise how hard I've tried. I went to the appointment, I left the house, I did stuff, I struggled all day but I still got through the fucking day, but no, that still isn't enough people. Nothing I ever do is enough 😔
I'm so tired of everything
In terms of everything that has been suggested, how about writing everything down and thinking about what is really going to help you, what might help a bit and what is a load of rubbish and needs to be chucked in the magic filing cabinet aka the bin. For instance, I know for me that having a routine is really important, staying in touch with people helps a bit but I need to ensure I don't overwhelm myself when I'm finding communication hard, and I know that suggestions such as "have a warm bath" "drink some tea" will go straight into my magic filing cabinet because it's a load of crap.
From what you're saying, work can be of help and I think it's important to hold onto that because it can provide a sense of normality. It can often be viewed that as long as you're "functioning" and managing to hold down a job and education, that you don't need support. As tough as it is, you need to push that and explain that yes you are working but no, you are not okay. Can you speak to your GP and explain that you are willing to try but you don't feel that you've been listened to enough? Or maybe try writing everything down (cliche I know) in rational way to then present to the CMHT. In the moment writing and putting into words how bad things are at the times your struggling most will give them an insight into your life which they might not otherwise see.
Everything you achieved yesterday is more than enough. Sometimes getting out of bed is enough and that is okay. *hug*
I've lost most of my friends, they've given up on me, can't say I blame them though, I've given up on me too. It just hurts, knowing that people don't actually care and they probably never did.
I'm so easily replaced and it hurts, I just want to be good enough, I want people to stick around, but they don't, they never do.
I'm so broken, I don't want to do life anymore. There's no point in doing anything
Every part of me wants to leave, what's the point in fighting every fucking day to just feel worse?
Everything is useless
You said in your recent post 'you've given up on yourself'. It sounds like you're feeling tired of the struggle
Would you consider going back to your GP to get things in motion again?
I wonder if it could also be worth just taking things a few days at a time, for example, what does your week ahead look like? What could you maybe add in to allow some time for things that you enjoy or to treat yourself to something nice?
Sending hugs *hug*
I'm still feeling the same, I still find life pointless and overrated.
Yeah, I didn't make the appointment because I couldn't cope with the pressure that everyone was putting on me, I could barely even get into the building for the first appointment and I had a friend with me, there was no way I was ever going to be able to go by myself.
I don't have any support, well I do, I have my best friend and she's been amazing through everything and I honestly don't know where I'd be without her. But I don't want to rely on her too much, I hate turning to her all the time and I feel so weak whenever I do, I know that she's gonna be there for me though, she always has been even though I've been a shit to her at times. I'm so thankful that I have her in my life.
I can't go back to the GP, I just can't.
I go back to work on Friday after having two weeks off, which I'm dreading and feeling really anxious about, I ended up hurting myself the other day on my wrist and it's healed now but it's still going to be visible, people are going to notice and make comments and I'm not sure I can deal with that.
Thanks Jo *hug*
I'm tired of trying with 'friends' because they're just going to fuck me over whenever they feel like it, I'm tired of dropping everything to make sure that people are okay just to be invisible again.
I'm tired of people acting like they know every little thing that's going on in my life when they actually have no fucking idea, I'm tired of people saying they 'understand' how I feel, how can you possibly understand when ever I don't understand, how can you understand when you have no idea what's going on for me.
I'm tired of being my fault, global warming may as well just be my fault, tired of being the one that's always in the wrong and the one that gets blamed for everything, tired of being treated of like shit and being made to feel like I'd be better off dead.
I am so fucking tired of this.
I'm so sorry that I'm not good enough, that I never do anything right or say the wrong things all the time. I'm sorry I'm such a problem to everyone that's in my life or even people who know me. I'm sorry that I was born, I know that I was just a mistake, I'm sorry for ruining your life.
I'm sorry for existing.
There is nothing anyone can say - I just want to offer you a huge hug and a lot of love *hug*
It's coming up to the two year anniversary of my friend killing herself, maybe that's why all I can think about is dying. I constantly imagine what life would be like if I was dead and honestly it looks like it'd be a shit load better for everyone in my life.
I'm so drained, this fight has consumed all my energy. Maybe that's a good thing though, maybe now it's just a waiting game, waiting for the day I lose. I don't see the point in fighting an unbeatable thing anymore.
Sorry to hear you've relapsed with harming, that must have been tough to go through. You said you don't feel bad about it, and that you don't care. Although it sounds hard not to care, it sounds good that you don't want to punish yourself further by feeling bad about it. You also said that you used to be focused on recovery and now you don't feel there's any point trying - recovery is a bit up and down by nature; some days/weeks/months are better than others, but it's all part of the same journey. It doesn't have to be 'losing' if you relapse.
It does sound like you're very tired and in need of a break, especially with this difficult anniversary coming up. I hope things improve a bit this week - let us know how it's all going.
Sarah
I think it would be better if I felt bad about it, if I cared about what I was doing to myself, because maybe that way it wouldn't have turned into a daily thing, maybe I'd have felt bad enough and cared enough to stop myself the next time but I didn't and it's just been the same, each time I hurt myself I no longer feel bad, I no longer care about how much I fuck up my body or my life.
But it is losing if I relapse, it just makes me a failure, but I'm a failure at everything else anyway so that isn't a new feeling.
Recovery seems pointless, I've accepted the fact that I'm going to be like this for the rest of my pathetic life.
Today's the day. It's been two years since they left and I'm absolutely broken, consumed with so much guilt and hatred for myself knowing that I failed them as a friend. I'm never going to forgive myself for the fact that they're no longer here.
It's been 18 months since Izzy killed herself too, I couldn't stop her either. 3 people exactly 6 months apart and I couldn't stop any of them. I'm a pathetic excuse for a human.
I'm so fucking tired of people, people that think they're better than everyone else, people that get away with treating everyone else like shit, people who get away with everything simply because they kick off about it after. It's a joke, it can't be one rule for one person and then a completely different rule for everyone else.
There's not even any point reaching out anymore, you open up and get ignored, so what's the use? 'People care' bullshit. People only care when you're dead bc they feel fucking guilty and don't want to seem like a shit person.
Life is fucking pointless. Home is shit, work is shit, everywhere is shit. What's even the point in fighting through every fucking day. I'm tired of being alone, I can't fucking cope with it.
I can't fucking cope with anything anymore.
I love you too
I have like no friends anymore and half of the friends I do have like to talk shit about me behind my back or make sly little digs about me. If you're slagging me off to my best friend, I will find out you utter twat.
I am so so angry and I'm taking it out on myself because it's what I deserve.
I don't know what to do or how to fix myself anymore, I'm beyond broken and nobody gives a fuck. I'm never going to be better, this is all I'm capable of being. A useless fucking piece of shit. An awful human being.
I'm so hated and as much as I pretend I don't care, it really gets to me. It's so fucking horrible having half the people you know hating you, having your own family hating you, knowing they would not give a fuck if you were no longer around, but how can I expect them to give a fuck about me when I don't even give a fuck about me?
What's even the point anymore
Have u spoken to anyone like a doctor or counseller? Maybe taking ur that friend whos done alot for u go with u for support. I do think speaking to someone who is more likely to offer therapy or professional help is whats gonna help u.
These feelings wont go away and everyone has noticed them. I do think taking the first step for urself will give u the confidence to not be afraid that u have a problem and ur standing up to it. Once u show ur family how much of a person u have changed will have to take notice and only congratulate u. If not and they still think u are not like ur sister then im sorry but they are the ones what need to do the growing up and not u.
In the mean The Smartians are here to talk to and us.
Hey Hiccup
Sounds like a rough few days *hug*
When things are bad, we often see ourselves in a negative light and that can drown out any positivity. I know you used to (still do?) have a positive scrap book, maybe it would be worth having a look through that. You've talked about some of the memories you've put in there, having a flip through might remind you of better times.
How would you feel about making an "I can/I am" list, with only positive attributes? To start you off:
- You are very good at maths
- You care deeply about your friends
- Even when you're having a rough time, you still look out for others
- You're quick witted and funny
- You are a valued member of this community
- Every time you were convinced you couldn't go on, you did
Life won't magically get better tomorrow and that can be really hard to adjust to, but little by little I honestly do believe that things can and will improve for you.
I'm not a good person, you don't know me to say that I am. If I was a good person none of this would be happening, my best friend would still be alive. I am not a good person, not even close. I think I'm not good for any of those things because it's the truth and it always will be.
Going to the doctors or seeing a counsellor isn't that easy, plus my friend who's done loads for me doesn't live near me so she wouldn't be able to. Therapy doesn't fix anything, talking to professionals doesn't fix anything.
I'm not afraid that I have a problem, I've got shit loads of problems. My life is one big problem, I am just a problem.
I shouldn't have to change for anyone, not my family or anyone.
I shouldn't have to be like my sister.
Hey Ella,
It's been a pretty rough few days, I think it's been made worse due to the fact that I actually had a few good days before hand, so now the bad days seem an awful lot worse.
Yeah I still have the book, I've not done any of it for a while because I've just not known what to do in it and I didn't want to ruin it, plus I've been lacking the motivation which seems to be a regular thing lately. I want to get back into doing it though because even if it didn't help all the time It was a good distraction.
Hmm I don't know, I really feel like they're all just lies as I can only see negative and awful things about me. Even if I don't believe them, thank you for saying them.
It's really hard knowing things won't get better over night, I've been struggling for years now and it's so overwhelming to think that I'll only ever be my mental illnesses and I'll always be an awful person because of them.
Thanks for your reply *hug*
From everything you've said here, it sounds like you're feeling pretty negative about yourself. Only seeing the bad things about ourselves can feel pretty devastating and make us believe that we're horrible people. Everyone has bad parts. But of course, everyone has good ones too. I realise that might be hard to believe of yourself, but I think it's worth saying that I completely agree with Ella here.
Just wanted to pick up on this too. While our mental health is a part of who we are, it doesn't define who we are and it can't make us awful people. It must be horrible to feel that it does and that it will forever. That really must feel overwhelming.
But I think it is okay to hope. Things can get better. You say you've been struggling for years, which must be incredibly tough. But the fact you're able to express your thoughts as coherently as you have here is a really positive sign
You're both wrong. I don't have any good parts, there is nothing good about me. There never fucking will be.
I don't even have hope anymore, I don't want to get better I just want it all to be over. I want to be out of the way.
Things have been fairly okay, I left the house everyday, I did things, I went to work. I got on with life and I coped. But now, because things have been relatively okay the low has been lower than ever.
I spent the other day at working using every ounce of energy that I had trying to hold myself together, trying not to cry. All I could think about was dying, about how useless I am and how pointless my existence is. Now I know I'm really fucked because the thoughts of dying come in the middle of the day, even when I'm busy and distracted, they only ever used to come at night but now I can't escape them.
I'm really tired of people, thinking it's okay to be rude to everyone and to just be outright cunts. I'm tired of people getting away with everything. I'm so fucking tired of existing in a world full of horrible people.
It kills that I'm expected to do things by myself and just deal with all my problems alone, that I'm expected to be self sufficient and to just get on with it and not complain. I'm expected to deal with everything in my life and then try and help everyone else too, even though the majority of people I'm there for just fuck me over whenever they like. I don't exist to them until their lives fall apart of everyone else has bailed on them. Apart from my best friend, she's great and she's always there for me but I feel like such a burden.
I just don't see the point in constantly fighting this everyday when the urges just get more and more overwhelming and they get stronger everyday. I'm so weak, I should be able to cope and I should be able to manage, but I can't. I'm a joke
Everyone wins, right?
I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment, it sounds like a lot of things are piling up on you. Do you have any professional support at the moment? If not perhaps it might be wise to ask the GP to refer you onto someone who might be best able to give you the support you need. (sorry, if you've already said whether or not you do, this is an incredibly long thread so I haven't gone through all of it!) Do you reckon taking some time off work might be a good idea so you can focus on getting better? I assure you that your family would miss you, regardless of how they may treat you at the moment, nobody wants to see a loved one in pain. I definitely think it's high time you start focusing on yourself instead of attempting to help others when you yourself are struggling to keep afloat. It's completely okay to say "I can't do this by myself, please help me" because we are social creatures and need the support of others to survive. I just want you to know that you're not alone and that we're here to listen and support you as best as we can.
Take care of yourself *sends love and support*
I don't have any professional support, no. I can't really go to the doctors at the moment, I'm working an awful lot so I don't actually have the time too plus I have fears of the doctors and personal reasons as to why I won't go.
A few people have mentioned taking time off of work to me, but I wouldn't know how to go about doing so. It's not really socially acceptable to phone up and say 'I'm too busy trying not to kill myself to come to work right now'. Works good for me at times, it gets me out the house and keeps me busy and distracted which is what I need at times, I just can't cope when the thoughts don't leave when I'm at work and I can't say anything or do anything about it.
Id much rather my friends be okay though, because I care about them a lot more than I care about myself. I don't mind being there for them, it just upsets me when I am there for them and then the next day they pretend I don't exist or they simply message me when they need something.
Thanks for the reply