Best Of

Thursday i went back to the doctors because I was still having absent seizures every 20-30minutes and some were lasting over 5 minutes the day I had a 5 minute seizure my mum wanted to take me to hospital she rang 111 and explained that they won’t be able to do much they will only do the same scans etc and plus I was exhausted so me and my mum agreed we can go home and go to the doctors in the morning the doctors appointment was quite positive but negative at the same time I had a few absent seizures and then 2 big seizures ( we call them the big seizures I don’t know the right term of word for them ) the doctor wanted me to go to a and e too but he knew I really didn’t want to and anxiety makes me more likely to have seizures so he called the hospital and they said I can go on temporary medication which is good news I’ve been on the medication since Thursday but when I was in the waiting room I started to have a big seizure and my mum wasn’t there at the time and of course when your having a seizure you have no control over your body when I came out of it I started to cry and I was really upset because of course people saw and it’s a horrible feeling having people around you that you don’t trust or don’t know when your having a seizure but I’m still having quite a lot of absent seizures even in the medication but they only last up to few seconds or a minute which is a big improvement my EEG is on Friday the 21st so I will have to stop the medication tomorrow just in case it interferes with the EEG results I’m not looking forward to the EEG I know I’m going to have a sensory overload but I’m looking forward to getting some results if the EEG comes back normal then it’s a neurological condition causing my seizures so I don’t know how they will find out what the neurological condition is but the absent seizures are causing pain I’m biting my tongue and my muscles seize up when I’m having a absent seizure and I think I’ve pulled a muscle and I’ve got cuts all over my tongue and I’m exhausted but I am seeing a friend today that I haven’t seen in a long time so i can’t wait and she knows about my seizures so she knows what to expect and hopefully I don’t make her panic I am a burden to a lot of people recently I just came here to rant as I usually do thanks for reading this very messy rant😂🫶🏼

Lost the only real person and legit caring person I had so what the point anymore. Just distance myself and cut everyone out now I guess best for everyone

I dont know what’s even happened but my anxiety has gone completely out of control. I literally collapsed the other day. Everything is fine but now my uni want a meeting about it and I’m terrified. I’m scared they won’t even let me in the labs anymore - maybe they’ll decide it’s unsafe.
It’s so much. Uni is so scary all the time and there’s no break, there’s nowhere to escape to. I’ve got a presentation coming up in a couple of months as well and I just can’t deal with all this. They’re trying to help me but I’m still terrified. I dont know what to do. I feel like I shouldn’t even be here. I dont know how to calm myself down and just be ok. My mind won’t stop. I’m so scared.

I’ve been sending a few days thinking about how I want to write this post and I think I’ve finally got it. Recently I went to see dear evan Hansen the musical, which was incredible but the acting was so raw and the themes so real it brought back a few things I prefer not to think about. The main point is when evan said to his mother ‘you would hate me if you knew what I tried’. And it reminded me of even though they aren’t aware of it what I very nearly put my family through and the guilt I feel daily of how much it would have ruined them. I still feel so so guilty that I vowed to never put them through it and whenever I think like that it is them that stops me. I also wrote something that I think describes what I am feeling a bit better than I can on here.
Thanks
‘ I don’t think you ever truly recover from the guilt of the future you might have left behind. Just one bit further and that would’ve been it. You wouldn’t have made it out. They would’ve come home calling to an empty echoing house devoid of life. Hand shaking, hearts breaking as they desperately try to pull you back to the place you have left. The letters would be there sure, but that’s shallow comfort in the world you would’ve created. They would pace the room searching and scrambling for what they could’ve done. You would not be there to tell them they did all they could. Outside the door four black paws scratching, where is she. I don’t understand. He never will. The family photo sits there a painful reminder of what was, and what can never be again. Your father would become angry. How could she be so selfish? After everything I gave her. He will never be able to answer that question. Your mother on the other hand will wilt and become a ghost of who she used to be. She will sit on your bed holding your cat, dreading the day the final piece of her daughter will depart with his furry form. She will never stop asking why she wasn’t home. Your sister will become frozen. She will graduate uni barley scraping past. She will not amount to what she should’ve been. The weight of your loss pins her to her childhood bedroom. She will not see the world. Your family will never be what it was and the guilt of that keeps you here.’

Glad it’s not just me that has noticed it needs to change as I thought I was overreacting 😕

Thank you @Faolan and @Azziman