Best Of

I had my appointment with DR M today (Mental health) and she also sorted the appointment I was having to wait 7 weeks for (medical) so on Monday I have to have an ECG, blood tests and standing and lying BP monitoring

I’ve been struggling with constant worry about what people think of me, especially the fear that they might say negative things behind my back. While I understand that strangers’ opinions don’t really affect my life, especially if I’ll never see them again, it’s much harder when it comes to people I’m close to, like friends. I sometimes worry they might see me as someone who won’t get anywhere in life, and that thought sticks with me. Even though I know that if someone does think or say something negative, it doesn’t mean it’s true or that it defines who I am, the idea of people talking critically about me when I’m not around still makes me feel judged and anxious. I find it difficult to just switch off those thoughts and stop worrying about what others think — I guess being pretty self-aware makes it even harder.

I also worry that I might come across as if I have a problem, like I’m dumb, useless, or a burden to others. These thoughts make me constantly second-guess myself wondering if my body language is right, if I’m speaking clearly, or if my posture looks okay. I know people’s opinions can influence important situations, like job interviews or placements, which only makes me more self-conscious. Sometimes I wonder if those in these roles have privately criticised or doubted me. In the past, I’ve seen people speak negatively about me, and I’ve done the same to others, but as I’ve matured, I try to avoid that now and only react negatively if someone’s actions affect me directly. Even with these efforts, I still feel judged by those around me, and that feeling is really heavy to carry.

Not sure why I’m posting this considering a few of my threads haven’t been answered but oh well I don’t expect support 🙃

I just genuinely don’t know what to do anymore I don’t want to be alive I don’t want to deal with this crap any longer than I already have to but I can’t exactly die because that’s wrong.

I’m getting support by professionals but it’s so draining especially with now being diagnosed with ADHD and Autism and being told I have impaired interception I know they are there so I can get supported but it’s just hard especially with growing up thinking I was just a mess and broken. I’m trying but I just don’t know how long I can do this

One day it’s all gonna break me so much that there will be no going back and I just feel like I’m holding on for dear life and screaming inside hoping someone would see how hard I’m struggling but it never happens because I’m just the therapist friend after all

I just wish time could freeze and everything could stop spinning. I struggle physically with mental issues like anxiety, that’s a big one, it causing let’s just say physical troubles which when your anxious daily and filled with hyper vigilance and live in constant fear it’s not great at all and the tiniest thing can make you feel unsafe it’s just hard to live daily. There’s no rest. The C-PTSD keeps me on my toes 😬😭

But yeah it’s safe to say one day I’m gonna loose my battle I just dk when 💔

I’m sorry

recently i feel like i dont deserve anything that i get you know. ive had this feeling ever since i had my first psychotic episode and maybe even before that. but if it was before that my psychosis caused it to get worse. even though i moved past my first psychotic episode i can never forget. i can never forget those facial expressions of the camhs crisis team as they said that no mentally ill person should ever have to experience what im about to experience and they also stated that im not ill. that im not psychotic. i can never forget how pissed off the psychiatrist was when i was talking to her. but now i know that it was my psychosis that caused me to have that interpretation. sorry im talking about this so much, its just been recently a year since ive been discharged from the psychiatric hospital. its an important milestone for me especially as in the past year a lot of things have changed for me. im only 16 but i feel like im 30. i was 15 when i experienced psychosis for the first time. that means i feel double my age. i dont want to feel double my age. i want to be a teenager. i want to go out, have friends, hang out with them and possibly be in a relationship. but who i am i kidding, ill never find someone if i think like this.

i thought i was doing better, i thought i was doing fine. i mean, like gertrude (my voice) said i have everything. i have two loving parents, i have siblings, i have shelter, food, water, all of the basic essentials. and sometimes if my dad has money he buys me things. luxuries. he works a normal job with a basic salary, nevertheless he provides for his family and he loves me so so much. i feel like i would doing a disservice to him if i committed suicide somehow. i know i cant because everything is kept locked away but i just feel hopeless. why do i get all of this? why am i getting the section 117 aftercare? why is my mentor in the library so nice to me? i mean she cares about me, but i dont understand what i did to deserve this. the people i know dont even have access to camhs or have been failed by them. sure i had a mixed experience with them overall but it has a happy ending. and quite frankly i dont deserve a happy ending. well, its technically not an ending yet since im still going to be with them until im 18 but theoretically yes it is an ending.

i just wish i wasnt born. i was lucky to be born. i call myself a miracle baby because i just was. i was born weeks early and got diagnosed with cerebral palsy from a young age. thanks to the physiotherapist i had from when i was a baby to age of 8 she made my symptoms better with exercises. the physiotherapists i had and still have afterwards just werent the same. even with all of these people helping me in the past and in the present, why do i deserve this? why do i deserve kindness, why do i deserve respect? when i push people away and ghost them, why do they still respect me anyways? i know humans have flaws but still. frankly i dont deserve to exist despite me being a miracle baby. i have no plans to try and kill myself simply because i physically cant. but i could if i would. maybe because of my survival instincts id immediately regret it like i did that other time.

i had such a good day today, why do i feel like crying? i mean, if i supposedly moved past this, why am i still thinking about my first psychotic episode? yeah, its been a year, but still. move on toffuna.
im safe...