Best Of

I know this post will sound stupid and silly but then again most of my thoughts are to be fair. So I was playing on one of my games, persona 5 and it mentioned about fighting a boss that is an artist and plagarises. It triggered me a bit because I remember when I was in college sometimes I would copy drawings to help me learn. I haven't felt like this in a while and I guess it made me anxious. Sometimes I also find that when its my time of month (as I am female) I tend to get more anxious and will overthink things a lot. Sorry if you had to read this post.

I can’t sleep, usually I’m really tired but I can’t fall asleep
Idk if it’s coz I’m overwhelmed with a lot of things

I've been feeling kind of washed out lately if I'm being honest, although I don't feel as low as I did last month which is something. I used to go out for coffee pretty much every week and it was really nice to get out of the house and be around other people, but I haven't felt up to going out and interacting with people recently, it feels really overwhelming and kind of scary. Just walking down the main street feels like a lot right now. It's hard not to feel like a failure when I can't even go out for a coffee right now, although I've been making an effort to go for small, quiet walks and that's helped a bit with my mental health. I feel silly for being so tired at the moment and for needing to rest, especially since resting has always been difficult for me. I end up tying my self worth to how productive I am, although I know that's not true. I don't know if that makes any sense.

so ive been thinking a lot about my future lately and this is what i want to happen in the future. i want to get into a job, marry someone special and have one kid. not two, not more. in the past ive debated having more than one in the future but i think it isnt worth the extra hassle of pregnancy. besides i want to focus my attention on one child which will be great because then they can have everything. also ive changed my mind from last time on what i want to name them. im thinking maxim for a boy and sonya for a girl. maxim means "the greatest" and sonya means "wisdom", which are both great meanings. id preferably want to have a girl though, i dont know why lol. id also preferably want to have a kid in my early to mid 20s, so i can show you all my journey of being a mother. because if ill be any older than that then ill be too old for the mix unfortunately. also this is the only good forum where i can post stuff about my journey because mumsnet is a bit... well, toxic. plus a common trend i see on that forum is that the mums on there are usually older, so i wont be able to relate to them as much. so thats why im going to be on this forum when i become that mum.

Hello I think it's been a little while since I posted on boards! I've been thinking a lot about everything I've lost, like grieving for myself? I really strongly miss the drive and passion I had for school and really wanting to succeed at what I enjoyed, I found everything and anything so interesting and loved learning, I miss it and just being myself. I'm scared I will be in this state forever. That desire to learn is such an integral part of me and I really want it back. I was intending to go back to school in January to resit after the mess of MH issues in 2025 but that's out the window now, I wonder what lies ahead now, I will be starting my UCAS application next week as well, not applying to the universities I originally wanted to go to, which will sting a bit😓. I just really miss who I am, like I've suddenly lost my desire to chase dreams and passions, my personality has been taken away.

I'm starting therapy next week privately too, unfortunately the waiting list for psychological support from my CMHT is longer than 6 months, and the backlog of assessments is so long they've stopped all further referrals, and no psychologist is employed which would most likely take "at least 6 months" to get someone employed. So basically the waiting time could be over a year... I can't wait that long. I'm seeing my care coordinator once a fortnight, sometimes weekly, he's a lot better than others I have spoken to, and I'm thankful for the safeguarding referrals that got made etc. to get me someone who won't shout at me or dismiss me, and try to work together to find solutions to things. My CCO wants me to go to this MH support group, it works like Alcoholics Anonymous but for depression & suicidal ideation, it's the last thing I want to do honestly, I wouldn't want to share and it's quite heavy to sit through for 2 hours, I'm also 18 and there's no one there my age, they are all in their late 30s and above. The sit in a circle type style also feels very clinical to me, and I really hate this clinical feeling. It also feels stigmatising, I just want to act normally, not sit in a group talking about things like this for 2 hours, I want to go out and do something "normal".

I would talk a bit about seeing CRHT a couple months(?) ago and stuff that has gone on then and now but it really makes me feel off and triggers me badly so I will leave that behind and save it for therapy. I've been taking photos of things on my walks now too! I saw there was a photography page in creative corner but I wasn't sure if I should share there.

I'm trying to just forget about negative things so this post has all come out quite light which is nice for a change! I'm hoping 2026 goes well for everyone! 🙂 thank you if you read all this!

I just learned my dog, Poppy, died. I don't know how or why but when I went to see her she was clearly no longer with us.