I’ve ruined everything

AnonymousToe

I dont know what’s even happened but my anxiety has gone completely out of control. I literally collapsed the other day. Everything is fine but now my uni want a meeting about it and I’m terrified. I’m scared they won’t even let me in the labs anymore - maybe they’ll decide it’s unsafe.
It’s so much. Uni is so scary all the time and there’s no break, there’s nowhere to escape to. I’ve got a presentation coming up in a couple of months as well and I just can’t deal with all this. They’re trying to help me but I’m still terrified. I dont know what to do. I feel like I shouldn’t even be here. I dont know how to calm myself down and just be ok. My mind won’t stop. I’m so scared.

stardust444

@AnonymousToe im so sorry to hear you’ve been feeling like this, sending lots of hugs🫶🫶🫶

Sian321

Hey @AnonymousToe thank you so much for your post and for opening up about this It really does sound like things have been extreamly overwhelming lately, and I can hear just how frightened you feel. It sounds like its been relentless - having things pile up at uni one after another, and feeling trapped not knowing what to do or where to go next. You're doing so well to share here.

You mentioned that you collapsed at uni due to your anxiety - is that right? That sounds so scary for you, @AnonymousToe. I can imagine that felt terrifying. May we ask, how are you feeling today in terms of your anxiety-levels? Maybe if you were to rate them on a scale of 0-10, with 0 being no anxiety at all, and 10 being unbareable?

When you feel anxious, I wonder if you have a sense of something that you're anxious about specifically, or a fear that races through your mind? Or perhaps it is more of a general feeling that is hard to pin-point?

You mentioned:

I feel like I shouldn’t even be here

and I wanted to check in to ask what you meant by this? Please know that if you are having thoughts of suicide at the moment, we are here to listen without judgement. There are other organisations too that can be here for you, help you to talk through your feelings, and to find ways to feel safer. I'll share some places below so you have them as options:

Samaritans are there for you 24/7. They offer a listening service and emotional support to anyone about any issue, with a special focus on suicidal feelings. You can call the helpline for free on 116 123 or email at jo@samaritans.org. You can also write them a letter and you can find details on their website. Some of their branches offer face to face services and you can find your local branch on their website. For more information you can go to www.samaritans.org

There's a free mobile app called distrACT, it's available on the App Store (Apple) and Google Play (Android). The app gives you easy, quick, and discreet access to information and advice about self-harm and suicidal thoughts. The content has been created by doctors and experts in self-harming and suicide prevention. You can find out more here https://www.expertselfcare.com/distract/

Papyrus is a confidential support and advice service for children and young people under the age of 35 who are experiencing thoughts of suicide, or anyone concerned that a young person could be thinking about suicide. The helpline number is 0800 068 4141. You can also text them on 077862 09697, email pat@papyrus-uk.org or go to www.papyrus-uk.org The helpline is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week, including Bank Holidays.

I really hear that you're wanting to seek help for yourself, but at the same time, something about letting others help feels really, really scary - is that right? What do you feel is the most frightening part about this? What do you imagine other people might do or say?

It is also okay if you don't have the answers. Already acknowledging your feelings is such a positive step

eylah

sending you so many hugs 🫂 were here for you i rly hope your feeling better you matter .

AnonymousToe

Thank you @Sian321

Sian321 wrote: »

You mentioned that you collapsed at uni due to your anxiety - is that right?

I think so. It was a big surge of panic and then I was on the floor. There were other things that could’ve contributed to it as well though.

Sian321 wrote: »

May we ask, how are you feeling today in terms of your anxiety-levels? Maybe if you were to rate them on a scale of 0-10, with 0 being no anxiety at all, and 10 being unbareable?

I’m not sure. 7? It’s worse than usual and it’s all out of control but it could be worse than this.

Sian321 wrote: »

When you feel anxious, I wonder if you have a sense of something that you're anxious about specifically, or a fear that races through your mind? Or perhaps it is more of a general feeling that is hard to pin-point?

Usually I can pinpoint a reason, or several things that all add up. Other times I just generally feel more anxious than usual, but that’s often because I’m tired or ill or I’ve overworked myself or something. I think all of those things might be true right now.

Sian321 wrote: »

You mentioned:

I feel like I shouldn’t even be here

and I wanted to check in to ask what you meant by this? Please know that if you are having thoughts of suicide at the moment, we are here to listen without judgement.

Oh, no, I just meant I feel like I shouldn’t be at uni. I’m not a very functional person and I just feel like I’m creating work for people.

Sian321 wrote: »

I really hear that you're wanting to seek help for yourself, but at the same time, something about letting others help feels really, really scary - is that right? What do you feel is the most frightening part about this? What do you imagine other people might do or say?

Kind of. I’ve asked for help and told people about my struggles many times. It doesn’t really make a difference to anything. My biggest fear in the whole world is people knowing about my anxiety, but lots of people do. I’m not sure why it bothers me so much. Right now I’m filled with dread because I’m scared they won’t allow me to be here or something. If that happens then I have no idea what I’d do next. I’ve had to fight so hard for any actual help with my anxiety and even that’s not enough, it just feels so hopeless. I just feel like people are going to be annoyed, maybe they’ll think I’m faking it or something, I don’t know. I wish I could just be normal.

AnonymousToe

Everything feels so pointless. Why should I put any effort in when I’m not even gonna pass my first year of uni?? I’ve got no hope. Why does success have to be based on things I can’t do?

TheNightmare

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, it sounds really overwhelming, but please remember your uni wants to help you, not push you out. Anxiety doesn’t mean you don’t belong there. It’s okay to feel scared, but you’re not alone. Take it one step at a time, you do deserve support and there’s still hope, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Be kind to yourself, I believe in you even when you don’t. Wishing you luck, and I’m here if you need anything.