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TW mentions of suicide. Getting over the guilt
Meowmew2024
Posts: 2 Newbie
I’ve been sending a few days thinking about how I want to write this post and I think I’ve finally got it. Recently I went to see dear evan Hansen the musical, which was incredible but the acting was so raw and the themes so real it brought back a few things I prefer not to think about. The main point is when evan said to his mother ‘you would hate me if you knew what I tried’. And it reminded me of even though they aren’t aware of it what I very nearly put my family through and the guilt I feel daily of how much it would have ruined them. I still feel so so guilty that I vowed to never put them through it and whenever I think like that it is them that stops me. I also wrote something that I think describes what I am feeling a bit better than I can on here.
Thanks
‘ I don’t think you ever truly recover from the guilt of the future you might have left behind. Just one bit further and that would’ve been it. You wouldn’t have made it out. They would’ve come home calling to an empty echoing house devoid of life. Hand shaking, hearts breaking as they desperately try to pull you back to the place you have left. The letters would be there sure, but that’s shallow comfort in the world you would’ve created. They would pace the room searching and scrambling for what they could’ve done. You would not be there to tell them they did all they could. Outside the door four black paws scratching, where is she. I don’t understand. He never will. The family photo sits there a painful reminder of what was, and what can never be again. Your father would become angry. How could she be so selfish? After everything I gave her. He will never be able to answer that question. Your mother on the other hand will wilt and become a ghost of who she used to be. She will sit on your bed holding your cat, dreading the day the final piece of her daughter will depart with his furry form. She will never stop asking why she wasn’t home. Your sister will become frozen. She will graduate uni barley scraping past. She will not amount to what she should’ve been. The weight of your loss pins her to her childhood bedroom. She will not see the world. Your family will never be what it was and the guilt of that keeps you here.’
Thanks
‘ I don’t think you ever truly recover from the guilt of the future you might have left behind. Just one bit further and that would’ve been it. You wouldn’t have made it out. They would’ve come home calling to an empty echoing house devoid of life. Hand shaking, hearts breaking as they desperately try to pull you back to the place you have left. The letters would be there sure, but that’s shallow comfort in the world you would’ve created. They would pace the room searching and scrambling for what they could’ve done. You would not be there to tell them they did all they could. Outside the door four black paws scratching, where is she. I don’t understand. He never will. The family photo sits there a painful reminder of what was, and what can never be again. Your father would become angry. How could she be so selfish? After everything I gave her. He will never be able to answer that question. Your mother on the other hand will wilt and become a ghost of who she used to be. She will sit on your bed holding your cat, dreading the day the final piece of her daughter will depart with his furry form. She will never stop asking why she wasn’t home. Your sister will become frozen. She will graduate uni barley scraping past. She will not amount to what she should’ve been. The weight of your loss pins her to her childhood bedroom. She will not see the world. Your family will never be what it was and the guilt of that keeps you here.’
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Comments
I hear what you are saying about how heavy the 'guilt of the future you might have left behind' weighs on you. You describe it so powerfully, and I hear how frightening it feels too to think about just how close things got to the alternative reality you have described.
What stands out to me here is the empathy you have for your family - the way you've imagined yourself into the shoes of your mother, your father, your dog so vividly. Coping with the guilt day-to-day sounds so hard, and I get the sense it haunts you in a way? And at the same time, I also feel a lot of compassion towards that part of you that came close to leaving your future behind - I can imagine that might have been a very frightening and overwhelming place to be in. It sounds like you were in a lot of pain - struggling to cope and having to bare that everyday. That sounds so hard, and to experience suicidal feelings is valid. I wonder how it might feel to offer yourself compassion around this too?
May I ask, what does the part of you that feels very guilty need to hear? I wonder what might help her to put the weight of this guilt and responsibility down for a moment, or to feel some relief from the heaviness of that all?
We're here to listen without judgement and thank you again for your trust in opening up to us as you have
Thankyou so much for your lovely response it means a lot 🌷💗I do think the guilt haunts me in a way because as time goes past I see the milestones I would’ve missed and how it would’ve affected my family. Thankyou for your compassion and kindness
Thankyou so much x