Best Of

things have been so exhausting for me since coming out of hospital and its exhausting me day by day. came out of hospital early bc idk why but been seeing the mh nurse since coming out and its been rly exhausting. ended up in hospital yesterday bc i had a reaction to medicine that i was given but that rly scared me bc i have never reacted like that to medicine before so it scared me.

but since coming out of hospital ive been rly struggling and its sad bc i have no routine now i have noone to talk to if i need someone to talk to or help. i am better out of hospital i know for sure but its just been getting worse since. idk how to even look after myself bc least i was reminded every day etc but i am lacking on everything and i have no motivation.

i just want to be happy i rly do but it seems to not want to happen . ive been having suicidal thoughts to which is hard and having to cope on my own. *im safe i have no plan its just thoughts* i am trying my best every day like even making some food is rly difficult for me to even manage i just want a better life i want to be better. its just hard why wont things go right bc it is draining me.

sry for a pointless post i just need to get everything of my chest.

I constantly compare myself to people my age because I feel so behind. Others are getting engaged, graduating, and securing good jobs, while I have never had a girlfriend, never been on a date, never been to university, do not even have my basic high school qualifications, never had a proper job, and have no income. I do not mind not being at university or married yet, but I do wish I had a job by now and maybe even a girlfriend. It probably would have helped me. I want a proper income with good savings, and it is getting to me that I do not have these things yet. I worry every day if they will ever happen. While people my age seem happy and enjoying life, I am just stressed, unhappy, and sometimes ashamed of myself. I tell people I am looking for work, which does not sound too bad, but it has been so long now that it just looks like I am not doing anything, like I am intentionally unemployed. I know I should not care what people think, but I do a lot. Luckily, I do not get judged much, but if someone did, especially someone doing well, it would really get to me and make me feel like shit. Sometimes I see someone I went to school with on social media and think what would they think of me. I feel like some people would laugh at me if they knew my situation.

Life is not straightforward, it is fucking tough, struggling and exhausting. Long term it has just been eating me up and it is going to continue. I do not get jealous because I know I will get certain things. I am not going to be out of work for life, it is too unrealistic. If I want other things enough, I know I will get them, but sometimes I feel negative and dwell on setbacks. I struggle to move past them and they affect my mindset, and I need to stop thinking about them. I am already a negative person, but these setbacks have made me even more negative, and I feel like I am the only one who has had them. It is not just certain people I compare myself to, I feel inferior to everyone because most people work and having a job is important. People my age are having kids or getting ready to start families, while I still need support myself with tasks. I just wonder, will I ever get to a point where I feel happier or satisfied with life? I want to do well and I am determined. I know things can change fast and other people’s situations are not always what they seem, but I should not rely on that to feel better. It should be good to see people doing well, and it is, but I just want to do well too.

The next steps for my wellbeing and mental health are to secure a paid role, which I need anyway and will help a lot, and to get some therapy like CBT or whatever is suitable. I have struggled to push myself to do therapy for years, I have accepted on and off that I need it but keep putting it off. It might sound like I am making excuses, but I am not, it is hard. I am genuinely trying to get into work, it is clear now, but I want to see real changes. Getting a job will change a lot of things I am unhappy with. I think therapy could help with other things too, but being out of work long term is likely to make most people feel down. I just feel a bit like crying with everything going on, and apart from here, I feel a bit alone. I am just grateful I have here where I can share how I feel every day and express my true feelings in detail. I am not judged here, and it is a special, rare, and tailored place for people struggling. I am also grateful that the community is very much here for me for a while because I am nowhere near ready to finish off yet, and I do hope that when that time eventually comes, I am ready. People say good things to me sometimes, but I find it hard to take in. Good things happen too, but I just feel like it’s not good enough and often compare them to others' achievements, wondering how I got here and how they got there.

I got told I have an Ed by a psychiatrist she said I’m anorexic

I lied to my mum I’m in A&E
Because I don’t want to be at home
Cus kitchen // also I just lie in despair if I’m at home
Said all this suicidal stuff and cried for 3 hrs last time I was back before midnight

@Sian321 dw I still go there at weekends wen the management is not there, but they were told not to tlk to me ever. I noticed they turn their backs or walk passed without a worry n I don't no y? Do u?

So I have a friend who age regresses and she has a tricky background and when she is little she will often call me “mummy” I’m okay with her calling me that because I know she trusts me and I’m her safe person but sometimes I feel like it goes to far a bit.

She often tells me that she needs “smack smacks” which is a big trigger for me but I try to shove it away for her but I often find I got to say “no darling we don’t deserve that to happen” and then she gets upset very upset and will hurt herself or swear at me or yell just so she can give me a reason to punish her 🙁

It’s reached a point where she will hurt herself straight away if I don’t “punish” her for being “bad” so now I’ve had to resort into telling her to sit by the wall when she’s “bad” she is only ever happy to be there for minimum 10 mins but when she is in that age regressive state I am aware that she has no sense of time skills so I usually just say time is up after a few minutes.

When she was in hospital her nurse would often contact me whenever she would ask for punishments especially after I reported her previous nurse. Yeah my friend is in a different country but if anyone harms her like a nurse did I will report straight away which is what I did so that nurse got fired and she got a new nurse who was so much nicer but she would often ask to speak to me about my friend she never revealed anything that she shouldn’t like patient confidential stuff and I always made sure she didn’t tell me that stuff she would just ask how to support her age regression.

I guess this is the problem at hand

As much as I do act as her caregiver cos I’m her safe person it is so so so draining dealing with a little, no one understands the fear that comes with it, she has been regressed for 2 months straight and I just can’t do anything more for her.

@Azziman hello. I appreciate the message, thank you 🫶

I didn’t expect him to accept my apology, neither did I expect him to apologise to me. But I wish he would have atleast responded to everything else I said instead of one paragraph. He completely ignored everything else.

Although I genuinely wanted to learn from my mistakes by taking all the blame, a part of me regrets it. I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he never intended to hurt me in the first place, and I was just projecting based on previous experiences. The reason why I refused to let it go and hold a grudge was out of protection. I assumed he hasn’t changed and he treats others similarly to how he’s treated me. Now I know my suspicions are right based on his short, blunt and snarky comments. He 100% intended to hurt me back then, and he 100% intends to hurt me now.

I also wanna make a quick correction, sorry for my poor wording. Although he caused me to relapse a few times, he didn’t push me into making an attempt, he only made me wish I could die.

I am currently safe at the moment. I haven’t hurt myself or made plans to end my life. But I haven’t been feeling fantastic either for the past five days. Although I’m sort of coping better, I’ve been dreading to go back to work (which I do on Wednesday). I’ve been endlessly feeling shaking, sick, anxious or angry. But I know it will pass eventually.