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[OLD] The 'I need a hug' thread - please read first post before posting :)
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Self harmed again. Dunno why becoming more frequent. Going to need to buy more first aid stuff 🤕
TW
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJkT1Nct/
I am just. Having a rough time at home. I don’t know how to reconcile the way my mother acts day to day and some of the stuff that I know is. like. kind of abusive. like. I adore her. We’re so close it’s probably unhealthy, probably codependent in a lot of ways. Much of the time I’ll be up talking with her until like 1am. It’s weird. She tells me everything about everything. I tell her everything about everything except my mental health. Which is to say she tells me everything because she wants to. I tell her everything because I need her to think I tell her everything, so that I can tell her nothing about this one thing.
And she. She adores me. Much of the time I’m convinced she loves me more than she likes me. She loves me so hard she wants to know everything, always. There is no such thing as privacy or any need for it - that would be an insult to her trust in me. I can’t say I don’t want to tell her something. So if she doesn’t know something, she can’t know she doesn’t know it. I spend a lot of time lying through my fucking teeth. The guilt eats me literally alive.
And I can’t. I. I want my mommy, a lot of the time. I’m coming on 20 fucking years old and I still want to curl into my mother and have her keep me safe. But I do that and I can’t - I can’t get out of my head all the times she has touched me in ways that were not safe or gentle. I hug her and keep thinking of the times she has hit me and shook me and scratched at me and shoved me into walls or said I was sick or a liar or that I made her want to kill herself.
I just. And I don’t know how to do this. I can’t do this for a lifetime. Because we are so ridiculously close and there is no middle ground. If I wanted anything like an inch of space I’d have to go all out no contact, and I can’t do that because I love her, or something like it, in a probably unhealthy kind of way. I couldn’t leave her, because we’re like... unhealthily attached. A lot of it is that she doesn’t have anyone else. She’s always asking what she’ll do when I ‘grow up and leave’ her and I have to say I won’t, ever, because even the idea of leaving kind of kills me, but in the strangest dichotomy I also want nothing more than to get out out out out.
I don’t know what the fuck to do. And so naturally my brain goes ‘well there’s no solution and no way out so like. just die.’ which is. obviously not ideal.
I don’t know how to do this.