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Depression and Self-Harming - Please read

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    today is the two year anniversary sincei started cuttng, and, tbh i feel crap and felt like posting. i'm beginning to think i might actually have to go and see someone coz i cant go on like this forever.and it feels like it will go on forever. [/crapness]
    xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i punch walls till i dislocate my thumb of till my hands bleed.
    i do smileys on my hands
    i hit my head on the wall till i'm dizzy
    i bite my hands till they bleed

    and i'm not proud. it hurts. but because i'm so depressed at the time that i'm doing it i doesn't hurt because i can't feel much. i don't feel a release, i feel much worse after, i hate doing it, and my friends try and stop me, but i feel like i have to do it

    the only smiley i'm proud of is one that a friend did and he did id so it didn't hurt much and he made it look like it has a fag hanging out of it's mouth.

    please people don't do it
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by *x*l'il miss socks*x*
    See, that's exactly how I feel. I get really pissed off with myself and start hitting myself round the head, pushing my fingers into my temples and I have occasionally scratched myself with (blunt) scissors. Although once, a few weeks ago, I got so pissed off with myself I stole my mother's knife, I did what, 2 scratches, one of which was over one of the scars from the scissors, but my mum saw and made me give the knife back. I used to scratch up my arms with my fingernails, but due to everybody getting annoyed with me calling me attention seeking, stupid etc I stopped. My best mate used to have a go at me about it which just made me feel worse and hate myself even more. I was getting really annoyed so I told her about everything I've done since January (yeh, not very long but long enough), all of that up there, plus several attempted suicide attempts, once with a shower hose, once I tried to slit my wrists (scissors were blunt though), several times with my scarf (not all of them totally serious) and I once seriously contemplated OD'ing on my migraine tablets, but I was at school at the time and they were at home so yeh. But I'm getting a lot better now, now it's just the hitting myself thing, I hate myself for it, always have, but that just makes it worse I guess. Ah well, I suppose I could get better with time, or I hope so anyway.

    Kind of an update I guess.

    Since then I did get better, a lot better. Then I kinda slipped again early September, when I had an argument with Rude_boyz brother. I was so pissed off with him I scratched 'BITCH' into the top of my leg. It's currently the most obvious scar I've got. Nobody has noticed other than the one or two people I've shown. I showed them because I knew I could trust them. And I still do to this day, neither of them have told anybody about it and my mother never found out (although she might when we go to Florida and I (try to) get a tan and it shows up, but by then it'll be too late). Then at the beginning of October, for no reason that I know of, I got my scissors out. I scratched what looked at the time like little red train tracks, crisscrossing over and over my right shin and calf. I did do it on my left leg as well but not as bad. My mum saw that. It was really bad. I don't even know why I did it, nobody believes me but I really don't. She went mental at me. My stepdad blamed himself. They took my scissors away. That was the worst I'd done before and is still the worst. I've done the odd scratch with my compass every now and again but nothing major. I did a couple on my stomach the other day because I felt like shit because of something I don't really want to talk about. It's kinda sorted now, and the scratch was tiny and unnoticable. I'm happy with how I am now, and would only ever do it again if somebody really pissed me off and I needed to let the anger out. But hopefully that won't happen :)

    Franki
    X
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Franki^^^, i'm curious, don't you hide your cuts from your family if you don't want them to see them?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Girl_gunner
    Franki^^^, i'm curious, don't you hide your cuts from your family if you don't want them to see them?

    Well I tried, the ones on my legs were not supposed to be seen, and I didn't think they would be. Until my mum made me buy a skirt for work experience and made me try it on. So she saw. Oops.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by *x*l'il miss socks*x*
    Well I tried, the ones on my legs were not supposed to be seen, and I didn't think they would be. Until my mum made me buy a skirt for work experience and made me try it on. So she saw. Oops.
    Yeah, I know the feeling. It's so hard if you don't self-harm often or you've broken the habit and start again, to remember things like not being able to try skirts / sleeveless tops on in front of people. I hope things work out for you.

    Kate
    x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by piccolo
    Yeah, I know the feeling. It's so hard if you don't self-harm often or you've broken the habit and start again, to remember things like not being able to try skirts / sleeveless tops on in front of people. I hope things work out for you.

    Kate
    x

    i completely agree,

    it's that you've got to be aware of it all the time, that's what i find hard, even if i never did it again, i still have these scars,

    :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by *x*l'il miss socks*x*
    Kind of an update I guess.

    Since then I did get better, a lot better. Then I kinda slipped again early September, when I had an argument with Rude_boyz brother. I was so pissed off with him I scratched 'BITCH' into the top of my leg. It's currently the most obvious scar I've got. Nobody has noticed other than the one or two people I've shown. I showed them because I knew I could trust them. And I still do to this day, neither of them have told anybody about it and my mother never found out (although she might when we go to Florida and I (try to) get a tan and it shows up, but by then it'll be too late). Then at the beginning of October, for no reason that I know of, I got my scissors out. I scratched what looked at the time like little red train tracks, crisscrossing over and over my right shin and calf. I did do it on my left leg as well but not as bad. My mum saw that. It was really bad. I don't even know why I did it, nobody believes me but I really don't. She went mental at me. My stepdad blamed himself. They took my scissors away. That was the worst I'd done before and is still the worst. I've done the odd scratch with my compass every now and again but nothing major. I did a couple on my stomach the other day because I felt like shit because of something I don't really want to talk about. It's kinda sorted now, and the scratch was tiny and unnoticable. I'm happy with how I am now, and would only ever do it again if somebody really pissed me off and I needed to let the anger out. But hopefully that won't happen :)

    Franki
    X

    This is my re-update. I didn't think it would be so soon but hey, there ya go. After last night and everybody telling me I was gonna get raped by Lynx (who, in case anyone cares, I've decided not to go and meet), I was really upset and angry and stuff, I was fucking crying my eyes out. And my plan to stop me doing it didn't work. Well, it took too long anyway (not your fault hun, if you're reading this). So I did. It looked bad at first, I did a load of scratches on my chest, one down the length of my calf and one up my side. The ones on my chest all but disappeared overnight but the other two were still quite bad. It was a bit stupid doing one down my leg when I have diving starting on Friday but there ya go. What's done is done. Well. That's it really. I dunno what's gonna happen now. I thought this year was going to turn out different from last year. But it's starting in almost exactly the same way.

    Franki
    X
  • Sir_AzraelSir_Azrael Posts: 24 Boards Initiate
    confession

    hi, i haven't posted for ages (sorry to anyone who cared / missed me ;) )

    As i write this i have around 8 fresh scars on my left arm/wrist, and then another 5 or so on my right wrist.
    This is the 1st time i've ever really told anyone any of this.
    i did all 13 (ish) of those in the space of 2 nights (did in bed), they were done with a shaprish knife, enough to break the skin, but not too sharp, i don't actually want to die.
    i did these for only 1 real reason, to relieve whatever it is that is building up in me.
    For a feew weeks before i did this, i either cried myslef to sleep, hit the walls until i couldn't feel my hands whilst fighting the urge to scream just until something happened to make me stop (such as my vocal chords ripping), or literaly laughing myslef to sleep (may sound strange, and it is), i have no idea why i would start laughing, and it just wouldn't stop.

    all of this absolutely terrifies me. i have no idea why i did any of them (laughing, crying, hitting things) and i couldn't stop.

    eventually it all built up, so i just grabbed my knife, and just quickly cut my wrsit. i had tried to do this before, with intentions of killing myslef, but i couldn't force myslef to. but now i could do it, for some reason it took a big weight off my chest and relieved some pressure, so i did more, then more, until i realised that there were around 13.

    now i have to try to hide these marks from my parents (who probly wouldn't notice them anyway) and hide it from teachers at skool.

    anyways this is my confession, i have to have some people who know, so that i can get advice about what to do, but not people who actually know me.

    any thoughts would be welcome

    -Sam
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The thing with a lot of cases of self-harm that it happens with moments of trauma. You have a bad few weeks, you cut a lot. You have a good few weeks you don't cut at all. Its just learning to deal with those bad weeks.I'm getting there. Its been a long two years, and admittedly i'm in a bad patch but i've convinced myself i can get through it coz if i cant believe it, then its not going to happen. Sir_Azrael, have you told any of your friends about this? sounds like talking the whole situation out with someone might help :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Girl_gunner
    Sir_Azrael, have you told any of your friends about this? sounds like talking the whole situation out with someone might help :)

    sorry to butt in, i was just wondering if anyone has any experience of talking to someone, friends or their parents about self-harming?

    see part of me knows it might help, but i just can't seem to do it, and i know they'll, hopefully, support me, just the words don't seem to come out, hmmmmmmmmm
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by *x*l'il miss socks*x*
    This is my re-update. I didn't think it would be so soon but hey, there ya go. After last night and everybody telling me I was gonna get raped by Lynx (who, in case anyone cares, I've decided not to go and meet), I was really upset and angry and stuff, I was fucking crying my eyes out. And my plan to stop me doing it didn't work. Well, it took too long anyway (not your fault hun, if you're reading this). So I did. It looked bad at first, I did a load of scratches on my chest, one down the length of my calf and one up my side. The ones on my chest all but disappeared overnight but the other two were still quite bad. It was a bit stupid doing one down my leg when I have diving starting on Friday but there ya go. What's done is done. Well. That's it really. I dunno what's gonna happen now. I thought this year was going to turn out different from last year. But it's starting in almost exactly the same way.

    Franki
    X


    I still can't believe you SI over this ****, He wasnt worth it fran and there was no need:( you did so well to stop and now some wanker has ruined it. anyway least you stopped for a while..try lil longer and i know its hard hun, im sorry if i seem mad but ur a good friend and i am worried..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by buzz
    sorry to butt in, i was just wondering if anyone has any experience of talking to someone, friends or their parents about self-harming?


    Yes. A good few of my friends know and that is invaluable. I can be honest with them. And it helps them knowing whats wrong even if they can't understand :) pm if u wanna know anymore etc xxx
  • Sir_AzraelSir_Azrael Posts: 24 Boards Initiate
    again

    me again, i did it again. twice. only this time they were relatively deep, i spent like an hour sharpening my knife before-hand.

    I hate doing it, but it's the only thing that seems to help, seems to relieve pressure and tension.

    any that's all i gotta say 2day. no doubt i'll be back

    -Sam
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by buzz
    sorry to butt in, i was just wondering if anyone has any experience of talking to someone, friends or their parents about self-harming?

    see part of me knows it might help, but i just can't seem to do it, and i know they'll, hopefully, support me, just the words don't seem to come out, hmmmmmmmmm

    Tell somebody, doesn't have to be your family, just someone you trust. It's good to tell someone. Just make sure they would understand. The first time I told someone about my self-harm the girl in question laughed. So when I did it again I decided not to tell her, and told only the people I knew I could trust. So yeh :)

    OH! And y'all should be proud of me :) I was really upset and hating myself the other day (see LJ) but I didn't do anything :D I just decided, ok, I have a lot of good friends, I've promised them. And I just went to bed to sleep it off. It worked in the making me not want to die anymore but not in the making me not hate myself. Which is better than nothing I suppose.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by *x*l'il miss socks*x*
    OH! And y'all should be proud of me :) I was really upset and hating myself the other day (see LJ) but I didn't do anything :D I just decided, ok, I have a lot of good friends, I've promised them. And I just went to bed to sleep it off. It worked in the making me not want to die anymore but not in the making me not hate myself. Which is better than nothing I suppose.
    I am very proud of you, I found that to be the first step: knowing you can get through the really bad feelings without self-harm.

    Keep it up - congrats! :D

    Picc
    xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    when i was younger i had a friend who self harmed. i remember telling her she was an idiot and just generally being unhelpful. now i do it. and i see.

    to be honest i dont care about anyone seeing the scars because i have two cats and a bramble bush in my garden, which everyone now believes i have an intimate relationship with!

    i dont believe im depressed. or even that screwed up. im the same as i always have been, ive just aquired another bad habit.

    i think my_names post about the mother finding the body is horrendous. but...well..yeah.

    a bunch of my close mates found out at a house party when i was wrecked, and unbelievably down, and went looking for something sharp. theyve been really good, but i feel so bad for upsetting them.

    the main reason for my self harming was a relationship. and still is. well thats the main reason and there are all these little things that irritate me, and add on, and everything piles up and wont go away. when we broke up i got mad and slashed at myself. three weeks later its healing okish. i just get this ache inmy chest that doesnt go. this helps. ish.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Girl_gunner
    Sir_Azrael, have you told any of your friends about this? sounds like talking the whole situation out with someone might help :)

    He talks to me sometimes. Sometimes.

    But seriously, Sam, talk to Harry or summit, tell someone that's actually seen you face to face in the last 4 years :p

    Or. You can talk to meh and rant at me for as long as ya want. I know how you feel hun, so just chat to me on MSN or summit if ya need to :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    um, this may be irrelevant and unwanted, but im gonna say it anyway.

    i was just wondering about what some people have said, in that is self harm more widely known about, or more widely occuring?

    is it possible to create a poll to see this? and also to see how many people used to, and have managed to get out of the harm circle, as encouragement to others?

    i would do it myself but cant for two reasons: i dont know how to, and i dont know if perhaps its an insensitive morbid thing to do?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by living_in_chaos
    and also to see how many people used to, and have managed to get out of the harm circle, as encouragement to others?

    I don't think it's possible to ever get out of the "harm circle", to be quite honest- I've been stopped for nearly two years now, but I'm still tempted to. I think it's like an addiction ot drugs or booze- you can stop, but the temptation isn't gone. If that makes sense.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Kermit
    I don't think it's possible to ever get out of the "harm circle", to be quite honest- I've been stopped for nearly two years now, but I'm still tempted to. I think it's like an addiction ot drugs or booze- you can stop, but the temptation isn't gone. If that makes sense.
    That makes perfect sense, and that's exactly why people who have "stopped" go back to it when times get tough. I had one friend who stopped self-harming during Y10 but the pressure of A Levels pushed her back to it 3 years later. It's horrid.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Kermit
    I don't think it's possible to ever get out of the "harm circle", to be quite honest- I've been stopped for nearly two years now, but I'm still tempted to. I think it's like an addiction ot drugs or booze- you can stop, but the temptation isn't gone. If that makes sense.

    :yes:

    You might even think you've kicked it, and that you aren't 'addicted' to it anymore. But once you get like stressed, or have a bit of a problem, that knife/scissors/whatever can look mighty tempting again. It can even be like when you think you're feeling totally happy, like how I was in October, but I still ended up doing the worst I ever did, and I still don't know why.

    Frankay
    x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey

    Relatively new to the boards, new to this topic.

    I SI, have done for about a year now, I started because the people I went to school with would constantly mentally abuse me, make me feel worthless, and a puppet for their enjoyment. So I began to scratch the skin under my watch strap with paperclips and anything relatively sharp I could find, just to make sure I was still human - if I bleed, I'm still made of flesh, not plastic. Eventually, I stole one of my best friend's art scalpels and used that.

    I cut myself on a fairly regular basis, but never too deep - I was scared of doing some real damage. Just the sight of blood was enough to make me feel myself again.

    I still do cut, but now it's only at times when I'm really stressed out. I don't see the shits I went to school with, being far far away from them at uni, which is why I've slowed down. I still went out and bought myself a new scalpel after my mom found my old one.

    The thing is, my boyfriend knows that I cut, and keeps threatening me that the next time he sees a fresh cut, he'll cut himself ten times worse. He's never SI'd before, and can't understand that if I need to cut, I have to before doing something worse (the last time he forbade me to cut, I had a nervous breakdown from the need to hurt myself). I've tried making him understand the mentality of SI, but I can't get through to him. Can anyone help?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    They may find reading our new self harm section useful ...

    They are only doing what they are doing because they care about you but they need to understand that they are going about it in the worst way possible.

    Take care of you,

    Susie x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I did a bad thing :(

    Everyone was pissing me off today, and I mean EVERYONE, and they were doing it on purpose. They do it all the time, but today it just, well, it just got to me. So I was sitting in English, I guess it must have been really scary for everyone else, I was sat there chewing at my lip, refusing to talk, scratching at my hand, and drawing this picture of loads of hanging people, with knives in them, and blackness, and then someone said 'think of bunnies and spring' so I draw a bunny hanging from a noose with a knife in it. And like, bah.

    And when I got home I got my compass out and I have like lines all across my stomach, and it hurts, and I hate myself for it, I was just so pissed off I couldn't stop myself.

    I hate me :(

    Frankay
    x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by *x*l'il miss socks*x*
    I hate me :(

    Frankay
    x

    Well I love you! :( It's not nice whenever I see you in pain. I wish you wouldn't self harm. I know that doesn't change anything - but if you get angry, or upset or anything you know I'm always here to scream at rather than hurting yourself.

    Thinking of you always, Rich xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by TheShyBoyInTheCorner
    Well I love you! :( It's not nice whenever I see you in pain. I wish you wouldn't self harm. I know that doesn't change anything - but if you get angry, or upset or anything you know I'm always here to scream at rather than hurting yourself.

    Thinking of you always, Rich xxx

    I know, but like, I forget about them things when I'm as pissed off as I was :( It's like it fills my brain and nothing else can get in.

    Bah.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    .
  • littlemissylittlemissy Posts: 9,972 Supreme Poster
    this thread always saddens me. i know what alot of you are going through and to be perfectly honest i wouldnt wish those feelings on my worst enemy. its hard. very hard. but things *do* improve. i am living proof of that. i didnt think i would get better but, ok ... im not completely better (i agree with Kermit ... can you get completely better?) but i am alot better than what i was. things improve. life takes strange turns and im sure alot of you will get through all of this, look back and be able to say that these experiences have made you a stronger person.

    stay safe :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You know what? I can't take this any more. I have been cutting myself for years. I can't stop (or maybe I don't want to), but I can't go on. I have been starving myself and making myself sick by turns. I hate it. I hate smelling of vomit. I hate having to remember where the cuts are when I get dressed or consider taking my jacket off. I hate the fact that I can't tell my friends. I'll never forget the look on one of my close friend's fact about 8 months ago when I came out of the toilet and knew she'd caught me throwing up, so I can't let her find out. On one level I don't understand why she was so upset, but I know I can't be responsible for that again. Ever.

    I don't think that was at all coherent but never mind.
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