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A lot of it has already been said, to be fair.
I think that if someone harms themselves delibertaley then somethings not right, even teen angsters and pretend goth kids must feel so desperate to be liked that they do it, so noone will seriously think that youre just attention-seeking and do nothing. Even attention seekers need help, if they were getting enough attention they wouldnt seek it.
But I think you know whats triggered it, the spreading of your abortion and the abortion itself. Get down to a doctor and see if theyll get you a counsellor to talk things thorugh, and, if its really bad, get you put on meds to stabilise you a bit.
Me.
Its even worse when nobody knows. you can't talk to anybody about it, you feel so ashamed about it, afraid that even your closest friends will look at you differently. the thought of telling new friends is beyond possible. just scared of losing them too.
your own parents don't even know. they think you are fine. putting on the face and attitude that you put on everyday when you go out. fake becomes your life. but sometimes faking a day of happiness is less painful than sitting and thinking about it.
you thought it was getting better but it wasn't. you thought things were getting easier and you could handle them but you can't. you thought, but it wasn't.
somebody has to know but you're too scared to tell a soul. you're too scared to even admit it to yourself. what will others think? what will i think? i dont' know what to do anymore.
its hell but somebody has to know. too bad they don't.
"In terms of the "S" word, that does not enter my mind. And it never has done, in terms of an attempt. Because I am stronger than that. I might be a weak person, but I can take pain." - Richey (October 1994)
Tried to read everyones posts but theres a lot, so i didnt make it thru all of them but i have noticed i seem to have this weird up and dwn relationship with my scars compared to other ppl.
Wen I started cutting my arms, I was so depressed I wasnt eva leaving my house and was never expecting to again so I didnt care if they were where people could see them, I didnt even think about it.
Then, to my surprise things got a lot better and it was summer and i was going out so I defiantly decided that I would get a tan despite what any fucker thought of me.
So I did.
Hardly anyone would aske but I would get funny little looks but no one treated me differently. Eventually after a few months, I started to open up and explain to my close friends and pple have always bn really kool about it. Sum are scared, sum worried, sum jus ignore. Then theres the ones who do it themselves and want to talk about it. Usually im jus like whateva, its not sumthin u chat about to get to know sumone. Unfortuantely I've gotten more and more embaressed and have shitloads of bracelets now and im never wearin a skirt again in my life.
I'm probably happier than I've ever been now, and it doesnt even hurt to look back on what happened then - but to read about other people's pain is upsetting as I know how I felt then and it was the worst thing ever.
My experiences ended when one of my so-called friends attacked me with a knife. I didnt go to a doctor but tried to stitch it up myself and my wound got infected. I'm now scarred for life. Someone called my parents, which kind of ended my ordeal. I as ready to get help then anyway. It got worse before it got better, but I got help and tried to work out why and how I'd got in such a mess and I got through Ok. I think it's important to get professional help, but only when you're ready and you know it's got to stop. Until then, a lot of what people say won't make sense because you're not willing to listen 100% and that just makes things worse. Talking (or writing) really helps though!!
Demon
I sit in my corner,
An heir to distorted dreams
in a dislocated reality,
A glutton for fantasy.
I inherited a false nation,
Born with a silver spoon in my mouth
Now lying six feet under,
Reviewing my past...
Pondering where it all went wrong.
I shroud myself in false merriment,
A slave to internal hostility,
Walking barefoot on my shattered youth...
A boiler about to explode,
The steam seeping from the poppy canals
I carved into my arms and legs.
Demons scraping their nails
on the inside of my skull,
"Do it again...it feels good doesn't it...
Destroy yourself...
It's the only way out."
Copyright ©2002 Selina Elizabeth Wendt
Well, I think I did an interview with thesite about depression under the name LIBERTY (my old user name), but here we go anyway...
I suppose I'll give my opinion on the whole self harm and depression matter, I mean I've been in a psychiatric unit, so it's something I know quite a bit about.
I'll admit that I used to harm quite a bit, not as much as some people I've seen, but quite a bit. I'd carry a razor with me and I'd steralise it with a lighter in the dingy toilets, before I'd roll up my baggies and drag it across my skin and listen to My Own Summer by Deftones. You see, it makes you feel like you're alive, if only for those moments where you can feel it pulling through your skin. And there was a certain satisfaction to seeing myself bleed, maybe it was because I saw my own blood, because I knew for certain then that my heart was still beating.
Depression is the most fantastically difficult thing that I've ever had to cope with and I know for a fact that there's a lot of it in the family tree. You see, it's so difficult to explain when you've never experienced it. There's feeling blue and then there's depression.
For me, it felt very much like balancing a brick on my head, like a constant pressure on the top of my skull that fell in to my mind. Imagine it's a spring day and there's a slight chill in the air, but the sun shining keeps you from shivering... Well depression is like when some clouds drift past and block out the sun and then all you feel is cold.
For me it started with bruising and scratching and solvents. It was a method of coping as I had a few medical problems growing up, hyper mobile joints, which made co-ordination more difficult, a scoliosis which affected my posture (curve of the spine) and the idea that I could have another cosmetic illness that would... Well, make me not very pretty. When you're 14 and looking in the mirror makes you feel physically sick anyway, imagine what the thought of having neuro fibromatosis makes you feel.... Yup, shitty!
I think that it was family, health and problems at school which ruined me, along with issues related to religion, but I don't want to go in to my entire life history, I'll just say that I sincerely became too ill to function properly anymore. I couldn't read, I stopped eating, my skin and hair became dull and I was usually wasted on something. They took me to a speech therapist because I was losing my speech, because I developed a stutter and slurred a lot and in the end, well I ended up in a psychiatric unit for young people and they sorted me out the best they could.
And today? Well I'm studying English, Psychology and Sociology at college and I'm doing a bit of voluntary work and I have a job behind a bar... So I'm not doing too bad... But listen...
I know that some days you'll wake up in a field of flowers and other days you'll wake up in a body bag, it's that feeling of a slow suffocation, it's the intensity of self-hate... But look, you're not alone in it. One in four people, or something like that, suffer from depression at some time in their life, but so many people get through it. Sometimes it's hard and nobody will ever understand quite how you feel, but they can know what it's like to have depression...
Only you will never understand just how beautiful you are...
Take care
Selina
xx
I have far too many scars now, though, that I cant hide.
I got tired of the scars and I managed to pull myself out of it, but a lot of people dont. to quote the Distillers, "if I cut if I cut I wont look like that, if I cut if I cut I wont feel like this". thats the sad thing though. at one point, I would cut, because I was mad that I cut. It was a crazy loop.
now that I've stopped for as long as I have. Im sure it's not smart, and it's better to get help then to cut. Because these scars last a lifetime.
Girls, realize that the last person you should blame or be angry with is yourself. Be objective and you'll see I'm right. Blame the guy or school or whatever. Protect your feelings. When you get involved with someone...know the odds. How many of you know "relationships" at our age that last. Say to yourself, I'm gonna enjoy this while it lasts and then...if we break up it frees me to be with someone else. You know, you might be like Dead in Hollywood: have so much more going for you than some jerk in your High School who dumped you or whatever your school is called in your country.
Meantime Dead in Hollywood: I've got a surfboard with the design of the British Union Jack on it. I was carrying it to my friend's house and another friend passed in the car and yelled out in a dumb British accent: going on Holiday? I said, what part of the UK are you from with that accent: Beverly Hills 90210?
xxx
at this exact time self harm is at its high for me, sorry 2 b blunt bt rite now all i feel i have is a couple of friends keepin me sane, i dnt have a dad as he lives 6miles away, and will b goin to jail in the near future, my mums an alcoholic, school sucks, i have unrequited love coming out my ears, my nans dyin on me, i have no real family ties like cousins or anything (i have 107 cousins, i just never see them!!), my dogs expected 2 die anytime sson and my best friend lives 40 miles away. apart form this life is great. mayb after reading this u will gt an idea of why people like me do it
im going to shut up now i probably dnt make any sence.
bye.
i wasnt doing this as punishment i dont think, i was trying to see how much my punches hurt cos i was expecting a fight, in the end i had no fight, but carried on doing it anyway. the headbanging is cos i let laura down, i should have stood up for her but didnt. well that, and also because i just do it. its like, a habit now....
i could stop if i really had to, i just didnt realise it was that bad, i thouhgt it was just one of those things i do. whenever my girlfriend catches me doing it she threatens me with silence if i dont pack it in (which i always do). i cant be bothered to tell myparents cos they will probs be angry
ah there ya go. also, if this is any relevance, ive been having psychotic daydreams recently, about killing people and torturing them and stuff....
One of my friends is 'in to' self harm; he cuts himself quite often. He doesn't show off about it, it's just something that he does. But I really wish there was some way I could help him. He doesn't want to see the school counselour (sp?) or anyone else, and even he admits he can't see a good rational reason for doing it. It really annoys me though that there is nothing I can do to help him.
I think that although some of us have had it worse than others, We all have equal potential to overcome our grievances. Some of us our very quick to blame our depression on the cards we were dealt in life and use that as an excuse to dwell there. Others may use those very same negative experiences for strength to find better value in life. I don't think that anyone who cuts themself out of depression can sit back and think, that they have truely put 100% productive effort into overcoming there situation. I'm not bashing out on those who do this, but correlating these extreme situations to my own more minor stresses. I realize that I have tons of room for improvement and that I could be doing a lot more to improve position in life. So I try to take baby steps at least. Life is always changing and its up to you to progress in a positive manner. Maybe do some searches into "self centered awareness". Try and retract some of that emotion by understanding where its coming from and why. Easier said than done, but the key is baby steps(unless your happy being depressed and cutting yourself up).
sometimes people say im not worthy of living and sometimes i have to agree with them. the world deserves someone better than me.
Someone I love shit on me, and I couldn't handle it. As per usual I blamed myself. Although a lot of it is this persons fault. I wish I could hate them, but I can't. I hate myself for loving them.
Therefore I cut my hand, my arm, my stomach and my leg. Again, I wish I didn't do it, but I did. Oh well.
Let me ask you guys a question. What part about self harm is it that becomes most neccessary to confront depression. Is it the pain, the blood, the scars. Is it spur of the moment and then why did I do this or a whole planned out event starting with a slash and ending with a scar? I keep an alligator behind my house(under the stairs in the winter) as well as various other potentially lethal pets and I guess there is a thrill in that to a degree that makes about as much sense to some people as self mutalation does to me. He actually got a hold of me last summer and gave me 11 stitches. I wouldn't want to do it again voluntarily, but a part of me thought it was an exciting experience and the scar is an excellent conversation piece(more so than I got depressed and cut myself in my opinion). Plus I found it quite interesting that I got woozy from blood loss for the first time in my life. I just didn't like the fact that I spent half of a beautiful Saturday in the emergency room the most. By the way if your looking for creative self harm techniques, I highly recommend getting a gator. Anyway the whole experience was kinda a downer, but looking back on it, it was and interesting and noteworthy experience even though I don't want to repeat it and the only thing it resolved was a need to be more careful in the future and the realization to vulnerablity. I guess you could say it reminded me I'm alive and sense the alligator is the least dangerous of my pets it was an important lesson learned. Anyway back to the issue. I guess there use to be a small thrill in getting piercings when I was younger and you must admit, a large percentage of society is obsessed with thrilling and dangerous hobbies. So I guess I'm trying to correlate my own experiences in pain risky hobbies to your own need for self harm to relieve stress. Sorry if I'm rambling or making light note of a serious issue. Its just my way of trying to understand.
I wish more than anyone, for a bullet in my head
I want to dissapear silently in the mist
I want to be found dead, with razors in my wrist"
an off the top of the head expression of my current feelings
Its easy to see the issue of self harm like this. A lot of people think "Oh, its just a fad". But with some people, it really isn't. Of course I self harm out of choice, but I can't bring myself to stop. I don't do it do other people can see my cuts, and talk about the scars. I'd be SO ashamed if anyone saw them. I understand where you're coming from, but for a majority of people, self harm isn't a hobby.
Alabama,
Yeah, I don't even know exactly where I'm coming from with all my rambling, but let me ask again, is they scaring necessary for fullfillment? What if for example you used some type of electric probe. Kinda hurt like hell, and maybe left a bit of a mark for a couple weeks, but no permanent scaring. What's more important the scaring or the pain. I just don't understand this at all, even though I was a psychology major. It makes about as much sense to me an anorexic who is thin and nasty looking, but still looks in the mirror and sees themself as fat. I also wonder what external factors effect depression. When I went to visit friends in England last Nov. they found a friend who had been hanging in his flat for 2 weeks the day before I left. That is the first thing I thought of when I strted reading all the post here and realizing how common it is to hurt yourself. I don't normally see such depression in my everyday life, but perhaps that's not b/c I live in the states and we have longer springs and less rain, maybe its b/c I surround myself with positive people. But I do wonder what factors influence depression such as weather and if its more prevalent in big cities, or in England, or low income families. Also, if your ashamed of your behavoir, what steps if any are you taking to prevent it. If I may make a suggestion, I would suggest maybe doing a little research on meditation and Eastern philosophy such as Buddhism. Maybe start by picking up a book. I'll admit it requires a bit of discipline but you may be surprised with the results. It reflects Western Psychology but in more of a do it yourself manner rather than seeing a councelor.
If I felt like shit and had the guts to poke myself with an electric probe, I probably would.
Personally, I harm because I feel stupid. I'd like to take it out on someone or something else. But I can't exactly go around and beat random people. I don't really want anyone to know how stupid I feel. So I keep it inside and this seems to be the only way to vent it.
I want to stop. And I'm going to. I've been shit on far too many times and I'm not taking it out on myself anymore. I've had it with self-loathing and feeling sorry for myself all the time. I'm stronger than that and I know it.
I started getting servely depressed soon after my mother's death when I was 14. Shortly after my 15th birthday I started doing self-harming acts. Such as using pencils points and plastic knives to make shallow little marks and cuts on my arms.
As time went on and I started the high school it started becoming more serious and I moved on to sharper knives and even started trying overdosing.
When I was in the 11th and 12th grade I was in mental hospital's twice, but it was until the I was in the second time during my senior year of high school that I started making any improvement at all.
I had, at one point, gone 9 1/2 months without doing any self harming things
That happened on December 3, 2002. As of February 3, 2003, my 21st birthday, it was 2 months since the last time I cut :cool: but my thoughts and urges of wanting to cut will always keep haunting me for the rest of my life, but I think now since the depression, has some what lifted, I seem to have a bit more control over the cutting and everything else then I did between the ages of 15 and 19 1/2.
Ok I think that I will stop this here for now. I hope that others may benefit from this a bit. I'm not trying to say that in a rude way, but I just hope that anyone who reads it may be able to learn something from it.
Does anyone else ever feel like this?
i personally totally agree with this comment. I do it every day, some times a lot worse than others. A lot of people feel sorry for me, but i don't want that. They feel sorry for me now - they should have seen me before i started.
Kally