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Depression and Self-Harming - Please read

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i agree with emsie when she said self harm is release self harm for me seems to be like a paradise somewhere i can go and know im on my own its my place it doesnt hurt anymore but i think just knowing what im doing seems to give me some kind of retreat i have this thing that i cant stand hurting other people and many a time in the past have i needed stiches or a plaster cast because i have a broken arm from smashing it up a wall,the only down fall seems to be shallow minded people who think i do it to be lke marylin manson or i do it for attention and having to explain to people the ins and outs of a cats arsehole.
    thats all from me
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Kermit

    Teen angsters irritate the fuck out of me, because they seemt o crave the attention that being "depressed" gave them. Dont get me wrong, people who cut for attention DO need help, people dont seek attention unless theyre not getting any, but I dont think that theyre helping the cause of self-harming, because most self-harmers do it hidden as a way of deliberately injuring themselves. And yes, cigarette burns, banging heads, and so on all count as self-harming.


    see, that's how i feel, like im trying to make something big out of something tiny.
    I feel like when I tyr to tell anyone, I'm just attention seeking.
    I noticed two things today...one that was important that I can't remember....and that when I cut (like I did today, under the table with a pencil sharpener blade) the area that I'm cutting goes numb and I can barely feel any pain.
    I also that not being able to cut and see blood makes me more stressed. Last night, every blade in the house was just BLUNT and I got so angry that I couldnt even do THIS that I went and got the largest serrated knife and used that, harder than I ever did before. And you know what? That was fucking blunt too :impissed:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    .
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Knee High Stripy Socks

    When you say you self harm, do you mean that you cut 'bigly' and make yourself bleed a lot, or do you cut things into yourself but not deep? I don't understand.


    i cannot speak for everybody because each self harmer is different, for me it often depends on my mood and what im using. I do lots of shallow scartches if I'm using a pin or something, but if I have a blade then I will do long deep cuts from about inner elbow to wrist, or shorter, but never horizontally across my arm. I also do it on the tops of my legs. I burn myself and punch things that it's probably a bad idea to punch. Sometimes I need the release and feeling of control that the pain gives me so bad I will do anything to obtain it, biting the inside of my cheek, stabbing myself with something, really ANYTHING that just makes me hurt. It's easier to deal with physical pain than it is emotional pain. Blood is the tears I find myself unable to cry. It's still a fluid from a hole, basically. You can either try to take your mind off the pain by doing something else, thus ignoring the emotional hurt too, or you can focus of the physical pain, both ways block out the things that I don't want to feel.

    Not too moan, btu to elt it out and try to make sense -
    I'm starving myself again. And cutting all the time. I'm running out of room on my body.
    Because of Pete, and Katherine, and father and rape and Jonnie and....just....everything, plus stuph like homeworks and the shedloads of detentions and suspensions I have for constantly back-chatting teachers. I'm snapping at everything that moves, and am becoming increasingly depressive and cynical.
    One of these days I will get a LJ and not force you guys to read all of this, I promise.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well, i've never cut myself, because i just couldn't......
    but a few weeks ago, i was so down that i started burning myself with lighters. i just felt so rotten and down that this was the only thing i could think of, and it did actually make me feel better.
    the one burn has taken this long to actually scab over properly, i burnt it that badly. but, it did make me feel better and, thankfully, it's under my t-shirt sleeve.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by evilemsie
    One of these days I will get a LJ and not force you guys to read all of this, I promise.

    if you feel the need to post, just do it cos i think that's what these mesage boards are primarily for, to help each other. never feel that you're being a burden cos that'll just make you feel worse.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by welsh_mosher
    never feel that you're being a burden cos that'll just make you feel worse.

    :rolleyes: too late hun
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I often feel down, you all know about me, the one who got on peoples nerves. I have self harmed four times and I'm sometimes feeling like doing it again, but at the moment I have the control to avoid it.



    What most people don't know is I'm on a waiting list, just like I said, and I'm running out of hope, sometimes I can't fucking take it, and added to that my loneliness it just gets on top of me, I feel quite bad now, and it's my 16th on monday so I shouldn't be, but I am, it's not something that can be easily helped, and I'm out of reach to grab my own hand and pull myself back in...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by welsh_mosher
    well, i've never cut myself, because i just couldn't......
    but a few weeks ago, i was so down that i started burning myself with lighters. i just felt so rotten and down that this was the only thing i could think of, and it did actually make me feel better.
    the one burn has taken this long to actually scab over properly, i burnt it that badly. but, it did make me feel better and, thankfully, it's under my t-shirt sleeve.


    you make it sound like you though harming wouldn't make you feel better, it does. I think that you should seek help, that's the hardest thing, but if I can do it you can too :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I consider myself to be a recovered harmer. Back then, I had no one to turn to and the hurt quickly turned to anger, and the anger I took out on myself. It started when I was 15, not all the time, only when I was really really down and angry. I cut properly again after my first exam this year because I had convinced myself I had failed, then gave up hope. Then at the end of the academic year I realised I would keep on relapsing until I got some help, so for the first time in my life I spoke to someone about my problems through the college councillor. She was lovely. But it doesn't mean that getting help = magic, no more harming. I relapsed a couple of times but continued going, until I felt I had put certain issues to rest.

    I haven't cut since July/August (I think, not sure of the exact dates), had a minor incident but I don't consider that harming.

    All I can say really is that I never really thought I could get out of the cycle of harming, but I did. I can't guarentee that I will never harm again, but I know that now I have outlets for the pain, instead of taking out on myself. But recovery can and will happen. It doesn't happen overnight, and getting help can take years. But it does happen. I'm living proof of that. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Emsie, a lot of self-harmers feel that they are just attention-seeking, that theyre not really ill and need help. Its one of the things about depression, it belittles everything about the sufferer and makes themselves feelk small and stupid. "If only I was x then Id be better" is a common call among depressives, and, to not put too fine a point on it, its bollocks.

    If you are hiding it then youre not attention-seeking, not really, you are just wanting a release and maybe someone to save you from your pit of despair. By teen angsters I was meaning the type of people who cant wait to tell everyone and anyone just how depressed they are, how much theyve hurt themselves. They want people to feel their pain,

    Depressed people just want to hide away, they dont want anyone to see whats wrong. Depressed people hide, teen angsters cant wiat to tell everyone. Thats the difference.

    Oh, and Ill get one written then Susie:)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Kermit
    Depressed people just want to hide away, they dont want anyone to see whats wrong.

    That is sooooo true. Thats why it has taken a long time for people, eg family to notice that i am suffering from depression. I didn't want to admit it, as if there is something wrong with feeling like this. I've always been the one who held things together & always tried to keep smiling.
    When my dad comitted suicide, course i was upset but i was more concerned about my mum than how i was feeling.
    I think that my problem, i worry so much about everybody else that i put myself last.
    I have found out although it worked at the time it has been to the cost of my health.

    I keep telling myself that i WILL get better & that i'm determinded to feel.....in a way, in contol of my life again.

    Ok don't know if that makes sense but thats just a little bit about how i am.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If people want more info on self-harm this book is well worth reading.

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393319385/qid=1034945053/sr=1-98/ref=sr_1_2_98/026-9862685-8768400
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i have been a self harmer for 10 months.exactly infact.i can't bear the thought of going to see a doctor because ..... he wouldn't understand.I have such paranoia about people seeing my arms. especially at the moment as i dd 30 horizontal across my left arm and there's the cut from a suicide attempt on friday.and i had to do cooking today at school, i was soo scared but i have to bandage the cut anyway because its infectd and swollen so i think it went ok.4 of my friends know.and its the hardest thing.they are so good to me and i scare the shit outta them sometimes, because if i'm in a certain mood and i let them knw (alcohol) then they know i'm going to try something and i'm not kidding.i use scissors,lighters,sharpener blade,razor blade,anything I can get hold of.i hate doing it and i hate myself for doing but sometimes i feel so low and i have nowhere else to turn.

    i agree with what everyone has said about people who boast about their self harm or make it obviously noticeable.they need to grow the fuck up.it makes people think self-harmers all do it for fun.we don't. i have never once enjoyed taking a pair of scissors to my arm/leg/shoulder/stomach.if the relief didnt help so much maybe i would be able to stop.but i can't.i abuse my body with all kinds of alcoholic mixes,painkillers,cutting,burning,scracthing and it's horrible.maybe it's good that people are starting to see the truth but as for it being the new 'queer/bi' people who do it for that are such pathetic attention seekers.in my opinion.

    xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A stupid question this, but why do you do it?

    I do the top of my legs and groin, cos I know no-one will ever see it, if they did, they wouldn't understand.

    I think i do it to feel something. Im fed up of everything feeling the same, and this seems the only way to feel something.

    i dunno, maybe im weird?
    ________
    Gm High Value Engine History
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by RubberSkin


    Depression seems to be a buzz word in society at the moment, and you can't be a fully functioning unit, without a mental health problem. Well guys you don't get depressed because you're best friend is going to the pictures without you. It often annoys me the trivial things that people use as an excuse for being depressed. Yeah, i know different people react in different ways to things, but this flagrant use of the word depression really annoys me. Let's get one thing very clear. Depression is a seroius mental illness. It develops over months and years, not overnight. It can, in my case, take years to develop and takes many forms.


    I agree with you. I have been depressed, and have felt so so bad, at first i didn't want to think I was, and then when i did I tried to tell myself I was just being stupid as other people seemed to have a lot more problems than me. But no matter how much I tried to tell myself I was just being stupid, I never could get out of the 'hole' and stop feeling the way I did. I didn't tell anybody about it until after I visited the doctors. I then told my best mate, and shes the only person I have ever told (except for you guys).
    It annoys me when friends will go to me "ohh amy, I just feel so depressed, my mate is being such a bitch to me" or "i havent had a boyfriedn for months, I feel so depressed" I quiety just listen, with this voice in my head shouting "u dont know how bad depression can make you feel!!!:( " Ah well... i guess its impossible for people to know exactly how bad you feel, how much you dont want to be here etc, even if you have been through it yourself, its hard to understand how bad people are feeling. I'm starting to feel better, and even now its hard for me to think back, and try and understand how I could think such things when I was at my worst, untill I actually have my moments.

    Anyway, sorry, ive gone on a bit, by the way DJP, I think this is a good idea for a post, its nice to know people who are in similar siuations as you and stuff like that. Anyway.. enough from me

    ~Amy~
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    For the first time in ages I've found people like me... I've been doing it 3 and a half years. I know a few attention seeking bitches who do it but didn't realise there were other people who hide it like me. Anyway, cheers you guys- reading what you've written has made me feel like less of a freak and 'inspired' me to make a doctors appointment. Well it's a start.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah you should be proud of yourself randomgirl!:)
    xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by randomgirl
    For the first time in ages I've found people like me... I've been doing it 3 and a half years. I know a few attention seeking bitches who do it but didn't realise there were other people who hide it like me. Anyway, cheers you guys- reading what you've written has made me feel like less of a freak and 'inspired' me to make a doctors appointment. Well it's a start.

    That's really good, congratulations. Depression is no less of an illness than anything else, and can be just as harmful and debilitating. Going to see the doctor is (hopefully) a good first step on the road to feeling better.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    evilemsie, i used to do it, you need to find yourself someone you can talk to, and trust, i never thought that i needed help, only now when ive stopped i can see that i really did need help. stopping is the hardest thing in the world to do, and if any of u make it, or have uve got my full respect a big thumbs up 2u. Keep strong and stop trying. Emsie, i hope you get through this, you sound like a decent person, i respect you. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm almost 17 years old and I've tried to kill myself and thought about it many many many more times. My left arm from elbow to hand has 20 scars on it from self harm.
    I've had a lot a shit happen to me in my life, more than most people three times my age have ever cared to even think about.
    I dont talk to anyone about my problems because I find it hard to trust anyone enough to open up. One time I did tell my friend a little and all she could do was drone on about how bad her love life was which didnt help in the slightest.
    Self harm is for me a release of all the stress, tension and depression I have inside me, I dont know what it is but it makes me feel a lot better.
    Although its pretty obvious most people dont know I self harm.
    I also show all the symptoms and suspect i have bipolar disorder which also runs in my family.

    Sad isnt it?

    Sometimes I dont feel too bad, today however I'm on a particular downer and feel a bit lonely.
    That helped though, just writing about it. Wish it was as easy to talk about though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think that self harming comes from people turning their anger inwards against thenselves. I have known a couple of people who have done this sort of thing to themselves by cutting their arms. They seem to have extreme anger inside and have nowhere to direct it so hurt themselves instead.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I thought I was over my self harm, having stopped for about two years (after doing it for 2/3 years). But I slipped up last week and am not sure how I'm going to break the cycle again. The trouble is, for me it actually does help so much, makes me feel so much better and it also stops me from being able to eat which is good because I need to lose weight. But I don't want to be dependent on this for my whole life, I don't know what to do because I had stopped completely, but if i've gone back to it, how will i ever stop for good?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Good luck with stopping again xapis. Perhaps you should go to the doctors or whatever sooner rather than later as its probably easier to stop the less time you've been doing it (this time around). I've just started taking mine seriously and have gone to the dr to get myself sorted after more than 3 years of pretending I was fine. I wish I'd recognised it as a problem earlier. Mine is probably now a form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder according to my GP but I'm sure it wouldn't be if I'd gone a couple of years ago. And Harlequin for me you're right. People do it for lots of different reasons but for me a lot of the thoughts I have are to do with me being angry at myself and wanting to punish myself. Well that's what it's about nowadays but I think mine has changed a bit since the early days when I first started.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Good luck to u xapis and randomgirl, i don't have the guts to go to a doctor but i'm trying my hardest to stop and i've only been doing it for jus over 11 months anyway.
    xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Girl_gunner
    Good luck to u xapis and randomgirl, i don't have the guts to go to a doctor but i'm trying my hardest to stop and i've only been doing it for jus over 11 months anyway.
    xxx

    Thanks for your support GG. Going to the doctors for the first time about it took me a lot of guts and I was so scared about admitting the truth. But I guess I'm glad I did as now I am taking the first steps towards stopping. I wish I'd gone sooner though as I said before. The longer I'd done it the more I need to do it if that makes sense. At first I had major problems that I guess triggered it but nowadays even a teeny thing will set me off. Good luck to you trying to stop. PM me if you feel like it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm just so scared that my parents will find out again. They went through hell worrying about me last time I was doing this, and it seemed to go on forever and I felt so bad for doing that to them. I know that it's confidential at the doctors and they wouldn't find out that way, but still it's always a risk...i went to the school doctor last time and she told my mum straight away in fact. But my mum worked at my school so that was why, though it should still have been confidential so that pissed me off bigstyle and put me off doctors for good when it comes to these things.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by xapis
    I'm just so scared that my parents will find out again. They went through hell worrying about me last time I was doing this, and it seemed to go on forever and I felt so bad for doing that to them. I know that it's confidential at the doctors and they wouldn't find out that way, but still it's always a risk...i went to the school doctor last time and she told my mum straight away in fact. But my mum worked at my school so that was why, though it should still have been confidential so that pissed me off bigstyle and put me off doctors for good when it comes to these things.

    I can't believe a doctor would be so unproffessional as to break confidentiality in this way. But maybe you could try a doctor outside of your school. Your 17 now anyway so they can't tell your parents even if they want to (at 16 I think is the age that your parents can't get info about your health from your doctor without your permission. I think) I've not told my parents about mine at all to be honest, I know my mum would be really upset and cry etc. I fear her "finding out" especially late in January as I'm leaving the country on 01.02.03 to go to Brazil and the last thing I want is her to discover my anti-depressants as I'm packing. Good luck. You've stopped before so I'm sure you have it in you to stop again. Try taking it one day at a time.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i used to cut my self a lot, i stopped for ages, and recently ive started doing it again. Im not sure why though, i had an abortion a few months ago and my baby would have been due soon, thats upsetting me alot. I trusted one person with it, my boyfriend, and we had an argument and he started spreading it around everyone (cos hes a prick), i dont think anyone believed him tho.

    I hate doing it. I dunno why i do it. I always hide it, but i kinda want someone to notice, someone to understand how shit im feeling at the moment and to make it all better again. I dont want to see anyone cos its probably just the whole teenage thing that everyone goes through, i dont wanna go and get told that everyone my age feels like this and that theres nothing acctually the matter with me, which there probably isnt..but recently ive been feeling so low cos my boyfriend doesnt seem to understand at all. Everytime we have an argument now all i hear is 'wot u gonna go do now then? cut your wrist??' if he no's im getting upset.

    i only do it when ive got really worked up about something, if im really upset or really stressed about something it seems to release everything, tho it never works for long and u can just feel it all coming back inside you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    every1 else gets a reply except me.

    brilliant.
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