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thats all from me
see, that's how i feel, like im trying to make something big out of something tiny.
I feel like when I tyr to tell anyone, I'm just attention seeking.
I noticed two things today...one that was important that I can't remember....and that when I cut (like I did today, under the table with a pencil sharpener blade) the area that I'm cutting goes numb and I can barely feel any pain.
I also that not being able to cut and see blood makes me more stressed. Last night, every blade in the house was just BLUNT and I got so angry that I couldnt even do THIS that I went and got the largest serrated knife and used that, harder than I ever did before. And you know what? That was fucking blunt too :impissed:
i cannot speak for everybody because each self harmer is different, for me it often depends on my mood and what im using. I do lots of shallow scartches if I'm using a pin or something, but if I have a blade then I will do long deep cuts from about inner elbow to wrist, or shorter, but never horizontally across my arm. I also do it on the tops of my legs. I burn myself and punch things that it's probably a bad idea to punch. Sometimes I need the release and feeling of control that the pain gives me so bad I will do anything to obtain it, biting the inside of my cheek, stabbing myself with something, really ANYTHING that just makes me hurt. It's easier to deal with physical pain than it is emotional pain. Blood is the tears I find myself unable to cry. It's still a fluid from a hole, basically. You can either try to take your mind off the pain by doing something else, thus ignoring the emotional hurt too, or you can focus of the physical pain, both ways block out the things that I don't want to feel.
Not too moan, btu to elt it out and try to make sense -
I'm starving myself again. And cutting all the time. I'm running out of room on my body.
Because of Pete, and Katherine, and father and rape and Jonnie and....just....everything, plus stuph like homeworks and the shedloads of detentions and suspensions I have for constantly back-chatting teachers. I'm snapping at everything that moves, and am becoming increasingly depressive and cynical.
One of these days I will get a LJ and not force you guys to read all of this, I promise.
but a few weeks ago, i was so down that i started burning myself with lighters. i just felt so rotten and down that this was the only thing i could think of, and it did actually make me feel better.
the one burn has taken this long to actually scab over properly, i burnt it that badly. but, it did make me feel better and, thankfully, it's under my t-shirt sleeve.
if you feel the need to post, just do it cos i think that's what these mesage boards are primarily for, to help each other. never feel that you're being a burden cos that'll just make you feel worse.
:rolleyes: too late hun
What most people don't know is I'm on a waiting list, just like I said, and I'm running out of hope, sometimes I can't fucking take it, and added to that my loneliness it just gets on top of me, I feel quite bad now, and it's my 16th on monday so I shouldn't be, but I am, it's not something that can be easily helped, and I'm out of reach to grab my own hand and pull myself back in...
you make it sound like you though harming wouldn't make you feel better, it does. I think that you should seek help, that's the hardest thing, but if I can do it you can too :yes:
I haven't cut since July/August (I think, not sure of the exact dates), had a minor incident but I don't consider that harming.
All I can say really is that I never really thought I could get out of the cycle of harming, but I did. I can't guarentee that I will never harm again, but I know that now I have outlets for the pain, instead of taking out on myself. But recovery can and will happen. It doesn't happen overnight, and getting help can take years. But it does happen. I'm living proof of that.
If you are hiding it then youre not attention-seeking, not really, you are just wanting a release and maybe someone to save you from your pit of despair. By teen angsters I was meaning the type of people who cant wait to tell everyone and anyone just how depressed they are, how much theyve hurt themselves. They want people to feel their pain,
Depressed people just want to hide away, they dont want anyone to see whats wrong. Depressed people hide, teen angsters cant wiat to tell everyone. Thats the difference.
Oh, and Ill get one written then Susie:)
That is sooooo true. Thats why it has taken a long time for people, eg family to notice that i am suffering from depression. I didn't want to admit it, as if there is something wrong with feeling like this. I've always been the one who held things together & always tried to keep smiling.
When my dad comitted suicide, course i was upset but i was more concerned about my mum than how i was feeling.
I think that my problem, i worry so much about everybody else that i put myself last.
I have found out although it worked at the time it has been to the cost of my health.
I keep telling myself that i WILL get better & that i'm determinded to feel.....in a way, in contol of my life again.
Ok don't know if that makes sense but thats just a little bit about how i am.
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i agree with what everyone has said about people who boast about their self harm or make it obviously noticeable.they need to grow the fuck up.it makes people think self-harmers all do it for fun.we don't. i have never once enjoyed taking a pair of scissors to my arm/leg/shoulder/stomach.if the relief didnt help so much maybe i would be able to stop.but i can't.i abuse my body with all kinds of alcoholic mixes,painkillers,cutting,burning,scracthing and it's horrible.maybe it's good that people are starting to see the truth but as for it being the new 'queer/bi' people who do it for that are such pathetic attention seekers.in my opinion.
xxx
I do the top of my legs and groin, cos I know no-one will ever see it, if they did, they wouldn't understand.
I think i do it to feel something. Im fed up of everything feeling the same, and this seems the only way to feel something.
i dunno, maybe im weird?
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Gm High Value Engine History
I agree with you. I have been depressed, and have felt so so bad, at first i didn't want to think I was, and then when i did I tried to tell myself I was just being stupid as other people seemed to have a lot more problems than me. But no matter how much I tried to tell myself I was just being stupid, I never could get out of the 'hole' and stop feeling the way I did. I didn't tell anybody about it until after I visited the doctors. I then told my best mate, and shes the only person I have ever told (except for you guys).
It annoys me when friends will go to me "ohh amy, I just feel so depressed, my mate is being such a bitch to me" or "i havent had a boyfriedn for months, I feel so depressed" I quiety just listen, with this voice in my head shouting "u dont know how bad depression can make you feel!!!:( " Ah well... i guess its impossible for people to know exactly how bad you feel, how much you dont want to be here etc, even if you have been through it yourself, its hard to understand how bad people are feeling. I'm starting to feel better, and even now its hard for me to think back, and try and understand how I could think such things when I was at my worst, untill I actually have my moments.
Anyway, sorry, ive gone on a bit, by the way DJP, I think this is a good idea for a post, its nice to know people who are in similar siuations as you and stuff like that. Anyway.. enough from me
~Amy~
xxx
That's really good, congratulations. Depression is no less of an illness than anything else, and can be just as harmful and debilitating. Going to see the doctor is (hopefully) a good first step on the road to feeling better.
I've had a lot a shit happen to me in my life, more than most people three times my age have ever cared to even think about.
I dont talk to anyone about my problems because I find it hard to trust anyone enough to open up. One time I did tell my friend a little and all she could do was drone on about how bad her love life was which didnt help in the slightest.
Self harm is for me a release of all the stress, tension and depression I have inside me, I dont know what it is but it makes me feel a lot better.
Although its pretty obvious most people dont know I self harm.
I also show all the symptoms and suspect i have bipolar disorder which also runs in my family.
Sad isnt it?
Sometimes I dont feel too bad, today however I'm on a particular downer and feel a bit lonely.
That helped though, just writing about it. Wish it was as easy to talk about though.
xxx
Thanks for your support GG. Going to the doctors for the first time about it took me a lot of guts and I was so scared about admitting the truth. But I guess I'm glad I did as now I am taking the first steps towards stopping. I wish I'd gone sooner though as I said before. The longer I'd done it the more I need to do it if that makes sense. At first I had major problems that I guess triggered it but nowadays even a teeny thing will set me off. Good luck to you trying to stop. PM me if you feel like it.
I can't believe a doctor would be so unproffessional as to break confidentiality in this way. But maybe you could try a doctor outside of your school. Your 17 now anyway so they can't tell your parents even if they want to (at 16 I think is the age that your parents can't get info about your health from your doctor without your permission. I think) I've not told my parents about mine at all to be honest, I know my mum would be really upset and cry etc. I fear her "finding out" especially late in January as I'm leaving the country on 01.02.03 to go to Brazil and the last thing I want is her to discover my anti-depressants as I'm packing. Good luck. You've stopped before so I'm sure you have it in you to stop again. Try taking it one day at a time.
I hate doing it. I dunno why i do it. I always hide it, but i kinda want someone to notice, someone to understand how shit im feeling at the moment and to make it all better again. I dont want to see anyone cos its probably just the whole teenage thing that everyone goes through, i dont wanna go and get told that everyone my age feels like this and that theres nothing acctually the matter with me, which there probably isnt..but recently ive been feeling so low cos my boyfriend doesnt seem to understand at all. Everytime we have an argument now all i hear is 'wot u gonna go do now then? cut your wrist??' if he no's im getting upset.
i only do it when ive got really worked up about something, if im really upset or really stressed about something it seems to release everything, tho it never works for long and u can just feel it all coming back inside you.
brilliant.