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Take care of yourself, and don't cut when drunk.
No idea why I'm down... The doc said that I would probably get down naturally on cycles, so I s'pose I hit my rock bottom. Feel kinda glum now as I'm pretty sure I've been spiked on Friday but whatever...
You ever look in a mirror and the face staring back at you isn't yours? It's likes somebody has moulded plastecine on top of the features you like least and the light hits you at the most awkward angles and it makes you feel like you're staring that photograph you've always regretted being a part of.
Ever feel like the whole world doesn't like you that much and even your shadow doesn't take you seriously?
It's like having two fish hooks through the corners of your mouth pulling them down.
Other times you're in a baby bouncer.
Up...
Down...
Up...
Down...
Gemo enough for everybody?
I feel I'm doing Ok with the depression really... I haven't self harmed for nearly three years and I've been off the solvents. I don't drink half what I used to and hardly smoke much pot anymore... I'm pretty balanced in that I can hold conversations now and I'm pretty comfortable with my own body...
I'm not really qualified to give out therapy, but I'd like to share a few things that helped me.
Stuff
I think maybe it depends on the individual, but to me a lot of what was affecting my mood was the material that surrounded me. Certain individuals, intoxication... Even music I found affected my mood quite a bit. Ever listened to classical? Within the timbre (which is the qualities of a sound that distinguishes it from another sound) of different orchestral instruments seemed like an aspect of the human personality... The violin seems to cry, the cello sings a love song and the double base is that feeling you get in your belly when you're in a bouncy mood... But meditation to music helped distract me...
Uhm if anybody said anything that helped me it was about changing what you can and accepting what you can't change, which helps a lot. It's what my therapist said... to list things in two categories... I can't change the fact that the sun will set and I'll be left in the dark for a while, but I can bring a torch and a flask of hot chocolate instead of going without...
Being around nature... Mindfulness... capturing the moment. You know why cats are so cool? Because a cat can be sitting in the garden and be fascinated by something we'd hardly even notice, like a leaf falling from a tree. Being there at that time and becoming one with everything around you is pretty relaxing. Thinking about nothing but the way the wind tickles your nose and the sun warms your skin like a flower...
Like I say, I don't want to sound patronising, nor self-indulgent. I just wondered whether reading this might help somebody a bit, or at least bring a smile to their face...
That's actually quite scary...! Saw it...clicked it...:)
You've gotta be careful placing anything on the scratches really, as you don't want to aggrivate them - you could try to cover with some liquid foundation type make up but if they're quite open and not surface scratches then that is not something to do. Is there anyway of being able to put one of those whit bandage things that sports people tend to use to help support damaged muscles?
Malt x
about a week ago my doctor refered me to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service because I had quite bad depression. I'd been self-harming, loss of appitite, slurring words because I didn't see the point in speaking proplerly and just generally feeling like my life was pointless. I got my refferal through in about a week and since I'd never had a problem like that before I didn't think it was unusual to get a referal so quickly. When I got there he was really nice he talked to me not at me which was really nice and my appoinment lasted two hours. At the end of it he said to me that I wasn't what he was expecting, he was expecting someone who was quite badly depressed and explained to me what he thought was wrong. I never gave it another thought until i got home and my mum said that she was shocked that I got a referal so quickly because it can normally be about a month or two. I started to think later in that night and now I think I've waisted his time becuase I didn't get a chance to tell him about the self-harming, loss of appitite, slurring words because I didn't see the point in speaking proplerly and just generally feeling like my life was pointless. I've got another appointment because he wan't to get me properly menaly assesed, should I tell him about all i've been feeling then or would it be pointless? have I waisted his time?
If he does suggest medication, talk through your concerns, ask questions about potential side effects. There are different variations of medication that can be used with you, discuss this with him definitely.
Hope that helps a little!
Malt x
oh... - ive pm'd you.
x
You're not attention seeking, you're not cutting for anyone elses benefit if you know what I mean - you know you're not doing it to gain other peoples attention as you're obviously regretful. Stemming away from self-harming is a difficult process and sometimes you will fall back - but don't let yourself be brought down by it - it IS hard and you know you want to stop and you have managed, even if it's for a short period of time, you still got somewhere and you just have to keep trying - don't think of yourself as attention seeking.
Don't belittle your problems - they are real, and big to you- different things, affect different people in different ways. You can't compare their situations to your own. My ex used to compare my self-harming situation (related to relationship woes and probs with family and him) to his cousin who used to self-harm as her parents divorced, and she attempted to take her life. He said I'd had nothing to be feeling the way I was in comparison to her.
Make sure you look after yourself. It's easy to get tied down ith others concerns and issues without looking out for yourself, and that kind of feeds the helplessness feeling.
PM if you need to
malt xx
I'm not sure what advice I can really offer, just that I never found anyone who wanted to know. It's still a big taboo issue, if my friends properly knew they'd look at me like I was a psycho, would avoid me and try to lead the subject off talking about myself - I know this because my friend is more open about her SH and makes a huge issue of it, walking out of lessons and coming back with leaflets on SH from the school counsellor that everyone sees...and she is avoided. Friends have said "She just talks about herself, all the time. Her problems, what she's doing and there's nothing we say or do that can stop her." So they just don't wanna know. I think you're best bet is to seek professional help and speak with someone...meant to listen to you. It sounds harsh but I've realised talking to those closest spooks them, adds an element of "they'll get attached to me and will try and kill themselves" and feel this edge of responsibility and being forced to look after someone with issues.
Sorry
You're not an attention seeker and you know it - you have a problem and you do need help to come above it, and you should be able to turn to your friends, but it just has to be a certain person - who isn't so sensitive you get them down with your problems, but is strong enough to encourage you to help yourself.
Malt x
If you self-harm, you need to tell your doctor. I told my doctor and she told me how to keep the wounds clean, she made sure I was keeping the wounds clean and not getting infections, and she did a lot of leg-work to find me the intensive help that I needed. They can't help you if you don't tell them about things, and if they don't offer the help you need then you can't help yourself.
Anti-depressants are not "happy pills", as they are jokingly called. They remove the horrible feelings, and they stabilise mood- they leave you feeling numb. If you cut because the feelings of pain and sorrow are too much then going on ADs may well help. If you cut because you feel blank and nothing then going on ADs would be counter-productive. I always believe that people should give ADs a try before writing them off, fluoxetine saved my life and the lives of many others. If they don't agree with you then fine, but try them first.
Often telling friends about SH problems doesn't work as you'd hope, because friends don't know how to react. They don't want to say the wrong thing or try to impose themselves on you, so they go the other way and don't interact enough and don't say anything. Being told that a friend does that to themselves is horrible, and often even I don't know how to react, and I've got years of experience- a friend who has no experience of those feelings will feel completely unable to empathise or help.
If you want to talk to someone, then I'm always at the end of a PM. I know I sound like a scary old fool sometimes, but I'm not really, and I would always listen. Most other people on this thread would be the same.
If you want to talk to someone more professional, then The Samaritans would be a good starting point. If you don't feel able to speak with someone on a telephone, then you could try emailing jo@samaritans.org; they will reply quickly and sympathetically, and I have found that it's often easier to write down how you feel instead of talking on a telephone.
Must stop ranting and go now. Argh.
maybe they'll try a different medication?
haven't seen you for ages (my fault) so hello
First of all, you read about them on NHS Direct.
Second of all, I'd suggest that you take them and see if they do any good. If they make you worse, or make no difference, then go back to your doctor, but it'd be a good idea to try them if you haven't before. They might work- they saved my life- or they might not.
Thirdly, keep pestering for more treatment, don't be fobbed off by ADs alone. try and get counselling.
[/end rant]
They did put me on Prozac but I agreed to it because it sounded like the alternative was hospital. Sigh.
Kate, same goes for you and just hang in there, it's really worth giving the prozac a go.
I'm suddenly doing it all the time again and just feeling generally crap the whole time.
So sorry it's not going to plan. You must have given up for a long time, can you try to focus on that? Is there any way you can get a referral to another counsellor? Are you still at uni?
Thanks...I've been lurking around but not posting much.
Well, I'm not at uni at the moment. I started 2nd Year and lasted about 2 months before we (the department, my family and i) decided that ending up in hospital all the time was not doing me any good and that despite the fact that i was still getting 1st class marks etc, i shoudl really take some time out. so i reluctantly suspended my studies for a year to get my head back together. it seemed to work for a while, as i was fine until just the past month really.
i'm starting 2nd year again but at a different uni next year (couldn't face going back to the same one!). The new uni are vaguely aware of what has gone on and seem quite well set up for support, so hopefully once i'm there it'll be ok.
for the moment i'm lonely and bored in my hometown, living with parents (and arguing all the time), friends all away at uni etc etc so no one really to talk to. i've been a bit better the past couple of days so hopefully i'll be ok...just feeling sorry for myself.
Anyway, I hope that you find the prozac helps a bit this time round...I have been reading but never quite finding the right words to say to anyone so sorry. always here to listen though.