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But in the mornings I work with kids. 8 year olds mainly. Halfway thru that work time the kids have snack and go out to the playground. I have to go out and suprevise there also. The kids want to play tag and soccer and piggy back rides and everything else. The weather is hot and I get hot and I just die wearing my jacket. One day I just wore a long sleeved top and pulled up the sleeves when I was outside. Kids that play with you and look up to you are so impresionable. From the day they became keen on me so many of them would tell me how they want to get pierced and tattoos just like mine, how when they were old enough they wanted stuff just like what I had. A few of them saw my arm and of course they went around trying to get other kids to see no matter how hard I tried to keep my sleeves down and arms out of view. I had probably 5 kids that day tell me how when they are my age they want to do that too. I don't know why or what was going thru their heads but it was the most heartbreaking in the world to hear. I couldn't believe my ears. I wanted to just cry and yell at them no and everything else. That was just beyond the worst feeling I had had in a while. I feel bad and down so much but that just surpassed them all. I felt like I had done them wrong. I didn't know what to think and still don't about that. I know that they won't. Give it a week and they will forget that they ever even saw it. But at the time it was just horrifying Sorry... just had to get that out
I'm scared because I leave for India tonight and I think everyone will end up seeing my arm because I'll be in such close quarters with them all, day in day out. Also I am going to have no choice but to stop for the whole time I'm there. It's only three weeks but it scares me! Is that so silly?
i oculd never do it anywhere apart from my legs. i have done it on my wrists and forearms but it would never get as deep as if i did it on my thighs. i suppose it is all part of the routine that you go through and the processes that you go through whenever you do self harm. its familiarity. or something ... *its got me thinking now*
thats really good though ... keep at it
It all ties in with my theory that cutting is an addiction, and quite often it is actually a psychological addiction. I think it was for me- the act of destruction was the relief, not the pain. because for me, at least, there wasn't much pain, not after a little while anyway.
And 4 months is a long time. Just take every day as it comes. It is hard because, like any addiction, you think you NEED to do it, so you are more tempted to do it. And if all you can think about is how you mustn't, it makes the temptation even stronger.
I haven't cut for about 26 months now. Even now I sometimes have the temptation, but it isn't so strong anymore. Having temptation is fine, and even succumbing to it is. I've almost done it, quite recently, but when I had the blade in my hand I just couldn't press down.
for me, things have been very much in a cycle. i was really ill 2 summers ago and then, slowly with the help of my doctor and other people i got better. now, it feels very similar to how it was and i cant get dave to understand that sometimes. im at a bit of a loss here and sometimes i just dont know what to do.
the last time i cut myself was about 6/7 weeks ago. even then it was the first time this year. and when i did cut it was sore. it actually hurt for the first time ever. i dont know why that was tbh. however, now the razor blades that i use are just staring me in the face and i dont know what to do. i really sometimes feel the need/urge to cut but dave would be so disappointed in me. however, the longer i dont do it the deeper i seem to be going.
sorry if any of that was triggering, i just had to get that off my chest.
:no: you don't. Not really. You're better than that. And you've come so far.
*passes you a chocolate bar*
Seriously Kermit you've gone so long, even if you did cut it wouldn't change the fact that you've done so well and worked your arse of to keep cut-free. And you shouldn't want to hurt yourself because you rock
*hugs* is there any particular reason why you want to do that?
you have done so very well so far to go 26 months cutting-free. these urges are normal, you have even said so yourself.
go out somewhere nice with ellie, go for a walk in the park, go somewhere with just the 2 of you, dont be alone.
if you wanna talk then feel free to PM me
sorry for ranting but i just had to get it out
what would you want to do?
you got anyone you can talk to at home? any friends?
*hugs* if you wanna talk then PM me
I hope the feeling has pased hon:(
its not and its scary. i fell like a zombie. when dave left for work this morning i was in complete hysterical tears for no reason. i am so freaked just now
im new here n iv been reading some of these msgs i also self harm myself been doing it 4 about 2-3 yrs there was n is a reason why but i havent really found the courage to tell anyone but then again when i feel really upset about it i hurt my self i just cant stop
I think that it is a good thing because if you are thinking about it all the time then maybe you are more likely to cut since it is at the front of your mind?
Also I think that you get a bigger sense of accomplishment when you realise out of the blue that you've made a milestone than if you're counting down the hours to it. But that's just what I think.
And well done, 2 weeks is excellent
It sucks. And since I've been away one of my friends found out what's been going on and he phoned me and sounded really upset and my other friend is upset that I didn't feel loads better after my holiday and I feel really bad that I've upset them but I can't just stop for them and I don't want to stop for me. It seems that no one who should be able to help (like my GP) could care less and all my friends are going away in October or before so I won't have anyone left.
I know this is a bit of a rant but I'm feeling really low and I don't know what to do any more.
Kate, stopping is something which comes from you, not then. It's not gonna happen all of a sudden, but it'll come. When you want it to. Hope you're ok, and did have a good holiday
Yesterday I slipped up...not majorly but enough to not be able to continue counting how many days without. Now I'm trying really hard not to succumb to the urge to do it again. Since I've messed up once it's difficult not to see why I can't do it again, but I know if I do it today aswell then it'll be a slipperly slope back to where I was before 7 weeks ago, which isn't what I want at all...
I'm so angry at myself for giving in especially as there wasn't really even a reason for it.
Sometimes you can only go a few hours without doing it, sometimes you can go weeks. When things pick up you can go so long without doing it that you look back six months later and realise that, hey, you're not cutting any more. IT takles a lot of hard work to get to that stage, but even then sometimes the urge comes back. It did to me not very long ago.
Once you've broken the cycle of cutting it becomes too much effort though. or something stops you; once or twice I've dismantled the razor blade but when I've held it to my arm I just couldn't push down and do it.
Things get better, you've just got to be able to see that before they do.
i understand completely. i have sometimes cut myself by accident (paper cut or knife slipped etc) and if i do that then i am very careful about my choice of words. like, i dont go "ouch, i just cut myself" its more "oh no, i have cut myself by accident" i tend to put alot of emphasis on the "by accident" as if i dont then people presume that i did it on purpose.
*hugest hugs*
if you wanna talk then PM me. i hope the feeling has passed now.
Yup, I know it's an addiction. One that I've managed to overcome for various periods of time before (up to 2 years). I know that succumbing to urges occasionally is bound to happen but when I know that I CAN go without it for 2 years it annoys me when I lose control for no reason.
I know my personal cycle of self harm inside out now I guess and I know what stage I'm at and I just need to get through this period and then I should be okay for another couple of years, or maybe 3 this time. I'm hopeful. It's not the end of the world when I do slip up though, because like last week, I did it on both Saturday and Sunday but I haven't since, nor have I felt like it. I got it out of my system and now I can get on with my life.
I've been taken off my anti-depressants and I feel great. I know I'm not depressed anymore, the cutting is just a left over remnant of the years I was. It'll take a while to get used to being okay without it. I know that.