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What if this eats away at the relationship between dad and my sister will she end up having to take sides.
Christ why me, why the hell couldnt i just be normal.
At the end of the day i dont feel i have a choice even now i get so frustrated i feel like im going to burst sometimes.
Other people deal with these feelings they even have families etc and deal with the feelings all their lifes if they are that strong why not me.
I just need to get some sleep and focus myself
The only people i need are those that are left when i finish my journey, as they are the only ones who truely love me.
I do feel a little selfish but you know what, i know i would stand by anybody i cared about no matter what so perhaps it s not to much to ask.
But his anger, that's not to do with you, that's for his selfish reasons.
It will be awkward for your sister, but it shouldn't be a big problem, unless he chooses to make it into one - and he probably wont do that because he stands to lose more than he can possibly gain.
If i could just get the frustration and desperation out of my thought process i could probably settle down and accept the long wait ahead.
Mondays are always a bit tough though.
I was'nt going to add to this thread again im sure you are all bored by now.
I had intended to just join in the other posts and debates and not say anything about this until i was on an assement programme, but i needed to tell someone last night how i felt.
Been following this thread and I just wanted to say you seem very self-aware. You're obviously very worried about how you're going to affect other people, like your sister, with the decision you're making. I just wanted to say I think this kind of awareness of other people is to be congratulated, especially when you're obviously going through a tough time yourself. Best of luck!
I also really respect your mum! She sounds really awesome for helping you through this. Keep posting, I really am enjoying your story, it's made me smile
Try not to worry about your dad, he isn't worth your time, he's a wanker.
We're all here for you
Do any of your friends know yet? How are they reacting?
I dont always feel good about myself and what im putting my family through but i really have no choice, i have my reasons and thoughts sorted in my head and although i cant seem to explain how strong the need is to some people i no longer feel i have to justify it, know that sounds selfish but its really not my fault i am a girl and thats all there is to it.
I dont really have to many friends i tend to be a bit of a loner for obvious reasons, there is one girl i have always been close to and she has always supported me and always known that i was diffrent, i guess when i start living fulltime as Louise i will get more negative comments but i may even move to a new area i dont yet i just think it might be easier to be somewhere were no one knows.
My mum is awesome she has always been there for me and apart from the early days when she really did try to stop me she has been amazing, when she understood that the feelings i had were so deep she just accepted the situation and has done all she can to help but also been so discrete about it.
My dad is truely a dick im afaraid he always has been and i have never had much to do with him i did try one last time to get through to him but he is a closed book.
My sister has been great to although sometimes she can get carried away and sometimes trys to hard to make me feel like one of the girls but she is so sweet and i love her for it.
Things are moving along but slowly but i realise i am so much luckier than a lot of girls in my position so i just try to be patient and do as i am told.
I am just about to start a three week period of living as Louise 24/7 a few days of which we will be away from home so i am very very excited about that, today cant go quick enough lol.
Just thought I'd post this http://www.bbc.co.uk/switch/slink/sexlovelife/reallife/boyfriend-was-born-a-girl.shtml#1
I know it's a completly differnt situation to the one you are in, but I thought it might be nice for you to read it. Even gave me abit of a confidence bost!
Xx
I dont know if its fear, ignorance or just blind hatred but stories like that really give me hope for the future.
So Louise, your dad may be being a right prick, but your mum is being awesome, and at least you don't live in southern america (I don't think you do anyway!).
The past weeks have been fantastic for me i have settled into being Lou and it all feels so normal and natural now i have never been so happy and content actually going out and interacting with other people who just assume i am a young woman has been great.
I have had a few days away with my mum and sister and it was such fun just the best time ever.
I am worried now though about returning to college, i really am not sure that i am strong enough to go back to my "normal" life the thought of having to become a boy again is depressing to say the least.
I finish my A levels in the summer and if i get the results i had hoped to take a year out to get some money together and really concentrate on being able to live as a woman full time before going to uni (if that will even be possible ?)
But i kind off feel now that i might just leave and get a job at least then i will be happy and not struggling with revision as well as emotions.
The trouble is i just dont know how long this will take i could get on a assesment programme next month or it could be next year but until that happens i have no timescale and cant make plans or even look forward to anything positive happening.
Still on the plus side i have another week so i intend to make the most of the sunshine
Maybe a bit offtopic, but do you dig girls or dudes? (not asking out of interest, mind.)
I have always been attracted to females but lately i have started to notice men in a diffrent way im not sure why but the more i live as Louise the stronger that conection seems to become, right now i love the idea of having a boyfriend not really for a sexual reason but just to kind of make me feel complete i like the idae of someone to hold hands with and put a strong arm around me.
I can certainly see and appreciate a good looking man now, maybe its just in my mind but i feel diffrent now than i did a couple of months ago.
Have you ever seen the Michael Buble video where the girl is laying on the bed with him well that actually made me jealous of her i really would have liked to have been that girl
I dont really want to have a realationship with either sex at the moment though as i cant experiance it as i am meant to i want to wait.
Xx
it's one of my fave movies of all time
It's a shame you can't be home schooled. A good education is important regardless of gender and once you start working and earning a salary, its very difficult to take up the discipline of studies again. I would say that if you are going to live the life of Louise for the rest of your life, another year or so at college is a small price to pay for setting yourself up for a rewarding career in the future.
It's shame that you don't live near Taunton. I found this story rather heartwarming :
http://theangels.co.uk/2010/04/head-teacher-asks-students-to-support-sex-change-employee/
You may like to contact Emma. Anything that you are going through now, she has no doubt gone through already.
Honestly does Louise not have enough problems?!
I have nothing of any substance to add, but read this thread and have to say i think you're handling this very maturely
Actually, you're right! :impissed:
Plus, Louise, if you wanted to talk to this Emma, I might be able to contact her for you, I know some of the media staff there.
Haha! Nothing really ... but it's not as good as Plymouth or Exeter.
Oh come visit me!
Haha, sure. Where do you live?
Well of course then
Its not really just about the clothes its hard to to explain but its a feeling of normality, contentment and really just a mindset that i have developed lately. I actually feel calmer and more emotionally aware i cant put it into words except to say i feel feminine and i dont want to lose that.
The clothes and make up etc are of course very important and a big part of the real me, i often wear strapy tops under a shirt, girl boxers and jeans etc it keeps me sane but its not enough even dressing fully 24/7 is not enough i am a girl and i want the body i am meant to have more than anything.
Your so kind and thoughtful B A and i thank you so much for that x
I know your right and i probably will find the strentgh to go back deep down i know its my best chance of good future and i would be stupid to throw it away with just a few months to go.
I know theangels site its a great place with lots of inspiring people it has given me the strength to go on before when i was really low, a lot of people are no where near as fortunate as me and that is what i must remember when i start feeling sorry for myself.
I can understand what your going through, a few months ago I came out as trans, female to male, but had been going through a lot of issues with my gender before I realised that and became comfortable with it. No one can tell you what gender you are, only you can, but experimenting with clothes, names, pronouns can really help you come to a decision. But rememner you don have to be either gender, I know quite a few people whi see theself as gender queer, also not every trans person is the same, some want surgery and hormones some only one or the other, some neither, just a name and pronoun change and you shoudl go with whatever is right and comfortable to you, there is no test of how trans you are by what treatment you want, everyone is different.
If you want to talk about anything feel free to send me a PM, I've been through a lot with gender stuff and sometimes having someone to talk to who understands is great.
Take care, Oliver