Am i a boy or girl?

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    .Leanne. wrote: »
    :d

    How did it go?

    It went really rather well thanks :d

    Although nothing has been chopped off yet ;)

    A very stressful and nervous journey up there but as soon as i arrived and checked in i was made to feel welcome and "normal" the people up there were very friendly which put me at ease.

    I spent about an hour with one of the doctors who will be looking after me and although he seemed a little clinical i think he seems ok ( i would have found it easier with a female doc but i guess most people would)
    We really spent most of the time taliking about my life and the events that had bought me to this stage.
    He wanted to know all sorts of things about my childhood, when i first had these feelings, what age did i first start to dress, did i play with certain groups etc. Who did i first tell about my feelings, what were their reactions, did i get any support etc the questions kept coming and i felt really concious about how i was answering and really worried that i was giving the wrong answers.
    By the time we had finished though i felt more relaxed and he said he was impressed by my comitment as i had already changed my name and was living in the female role 24/7 although he did warn me that everything would be done at their pace and that i should be careful not to get carried away, any drugs or surgery outside of his control could see me being refused treatment on the nhs.

    So now i have to wait for my next appoitmnet to come through when i will meet more people from the team who will then put together a plan and my assesment will then begin, all i have to do is convince them i am ready and far enough down the line and then drugs can be prescribed.:d
    It is still a painfully slow process and it will probaly be another few months before i get hormone treatment but i feel like i am on top of the world right now, i just feel i am in the system and things are happening.

    I am still hopeful that i can be somehow fast tracked as i am having no problems passing and living as Louise it seems daft that i now have to show that i can be her for another 6 months.
    I won't mention it to them though i don't what to rock the boat yet.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :) Great news Lou! x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    so pleased it went well for you louise x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well done Louise :)
    i'm so happy for you- hopefully the six months will fly by!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    just wanted to say..

    reading this thread, although i dont know you at all i think its really inspiring and you sound absolutley amazing to go for what you want :)

    and congrats. hope everything goes great for you xx *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys *hug*

    I have such a lot to think about and take in right now it feels impossible to rationalise and organise my life, thoughts and feelings.

    My mum has been unusally quiet about things over the last two days she seems to have lost her positive, keep going whatever attitude.
    I guess i need to maybe spoil her over the weekend, (perhaps i have been a bit me me me of late) and see if we can have a chat about things and how she feels.
    My sister is at my dads so it will be a good oportunity.

    Today i am trying to deal with a few practical things, finding out about electroysis :eek: speech therapy, although i have been working on this for over a year and i feel i sound natural i need to tick all the box's so if i need therapy i want to know now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ahh good luck with your mum! *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well its me again im afraid, not doing so well at the moment :crying:

    Still no sign of another appoitment and the time is going so slowly its just torture.

    I am feeling really down and finding it all really hard at the moment, i am getting bullied at work its only a part time job so i thought i could cope but it is knocking my confidence, i hate the job anyway and am thinking i will just hand my notice in. I worried that i would feel even more isolated than i do right now but to honest i feel isolated at work so what the hell.

    Trouble is i need a job for the money and also its expected that you can hold down a job in the female role so i need to find something else but what i feel a bit trapped. Its hard for anyone to find work so what chance for me?

    My mum and i feel out recently and i realised just how much i needed her strength and freindship to get through this which has made me feel really guilty that i am taking to much and not giving much make, i guess i just need to listen harder to what she is saying and make sure she knows i love her.

    On the plus side my sister has been really nice and we seem to be getting really close i like to think we are bonding as sisters but maybe thats just me getting carried away.

    I have worked through a few issues over the last week or so but just when i feel everything is sorted something else comes along and reminds me what a mess i am.

    Right know its gone one in the morning and i am still fully dressed for the last hour or so i have been staring at the mirror, i know this sounds silly as i have been living with these feelings for years but right know i cant bear to undress because then i am just that ugly freak and i hate myself so much, if i stay dressed its like im hiding behind the clothes and make up and i dont have to admit the truth to myself.
    I expected these feelings to disappear when i began living full time but they have actually got worse its possible for me to almost forget about being in this body and for a few wonderful hours i just feel like a normal woman then bang something reminds me and i come crashing down.
    I have never managed to express in words how i feel so i cant expect you to understand.

    I might see if i can go and stay with my Aunt in Wales for few days up there i am just Louise no one knows about my true self which is really liberating and always gives me a boost.

    Sorry for moaning on i just wanted to think it through and sharing sometimes helps.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Visiting your aunt sounds like a really positive step.

    Can you look for another job without leaving your current one? Does your boss know you're being harassed?

    I know I keep banging on at this but do you have any trans or genderqueer contacts on the internet? When I was first coming out (whilst I totally understand it's not the same issue) support from other young gay women was so important to me. If you need help finding groups or anything let me know.

    Also, you talk about your "true self" meaning the identity you were born into, but as far as I can tell you're your true self when you're Louise.

    Look after yourself and feel free to PM me if you need to chat.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    piccolo wrote: »
    Visiting your aunt sounds like a really positive step.

    Can you look for another job without leaving your current one? Does your boss know you're being harassed?

    I know I keep banging on at this but do you have any trans or genderqueer contacts on the internet? When I was first coming out (whilst I totally understand it's not the same issue) support from other young gay women was so important to me. If you need help finding groups or anything let me know.

    Also, you talk about your "true self" meaning the identity you were born into, but as far as I can tell you're your true self when you're Louise.

    Look after yourself and feel free to PM me if you need to chat.

    Thanks Piccolo x

    Its really difficult at work and to be honest i think the only thing i can do now is to leave, it was never a great job but i was happy enough until a couple of new girls were taken on, very soon one of them formed a little clique and it was obvious i was never going to be involved.
    I could live with that i have never been so needy of friendship that i would blindly follow some dense bitch around because i wanted to be popular but she started digging at me and soon others joined in, maybe they dont realise how much it hurts i dont know but i am not going to keep putting myself through that.
    I will try to find something else before i just walk out or i may even just ask for diffrent shifts maybe in the week i can avoid her.

    I do have a few contacts and friends from the Trans community and i do talk to them, i often find myself giving advice and helping out with others dramas but they always seem easier to deal with than my own feelings and emotions.
    Its nice to share experiances and talk about the things going on in our lifes but sometimes its hard to admit to them that i am not actually coping that well.
    You would be amazed at the tough time some of them have comapered to my own experiances some of them have are just so brave its incredible.
    I think i am seen as the girl who has it easy and has a great network of family and support i am sure some of them think i am just breezing through life without a worry.

    I hope my sister will be home this weekend it will be nice to have the distraction and i can have a good old chat with her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Louisek wrote: »
    I do have a few contacts and friends from the Trans community and i do talk to them, i often find myself giving advice and helping out with others dramas but they always seem easier to deal with than my own feelings and emotions.
    Its nice to share experiances and talk about the things going on in our lifes but sometimes its hard to admit to them that i am not actually coping that well.
    You would be amazed at the tough time some of them have comapered to my own experiances some of them have are just so brave its incredible.
    I think i am seen as the girl who has it easy and has a great network of family and support i am sure some of them think i am just breezing through life without a worry.

    I hope my sister will be home this weekend it will be nice to have the distraction and i can have a good old chat with her.

    I used to feel the same about the queer community in general, it can be really tricky to ask for advice when you think others have it worse than you do; but look at this place - people are more than happy to offer advice even when they're dealing with their own shit. Like you say, it's a distraction. I'm glad you have some contact within the community, there are some things you need to be part of a community to understand.

    I know it sounds weird, but I sometimes think a supportive family brings its own problems - my family sometimes get way ahead of where I am (outing me to the extended family when I didn't want them to) or have really weird reservations (even though they outed me to everyone else I'm not allowed to tell my grandma). At the end of the day, they're not living your life and they can't fully understand, no matter how much they want to. It's OK to look for other support and to still feel a bit crappy sometimes.

    Did your sister come home? Hope everything picks up a bit at work; good luck looking for a new job. Will your parents understand if you have to be out of work for a while?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know exactly what you mean about a supportive family, i know they are great to me and i love them dearly but yes sometimes i feel a little bit "controlled"
    At first there was an issus about who to tell but of course in my situation in the end everyone needed to know but i was not really in control of anything at that stage.
    The family who have accepted me range in reactions from the very cool and just carry on as normal to the very over the top ones who felt they had to buy me something or let me know they understood, i still shudder when i think of an Uncle who put his arm around me and kissed me the first time we met, that was rather awkward :blush:

    Things are not bad right now to be honest, my sister has been home and we and a great weekend just chatting and making plans etc.

    I have backed down on one or two things that i was not overly happy about and it seems to have cleared the air with my mum i guess there is a lot of compromise from her so i need to make sure i dont stop seeing things from her eyes.

    I am leaving my job i took the easy way out and sent an email saying that this would be my last weekend so i really have to find something soon but i feel so much better knowing that i am away form that place soon.
    I have'nt told anyone why, my mum just thinks i am fed up with it, if i tell her i will probably get talked into changing my mind and confronting the bigoted bitch at work and to be honest i just cant face that.

    I think is the second job i have lost because of my gender so much for equal rights eh!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Louise,

    I never post in your thread because I don't know what to say, but a friend of mine just showed me this and I thought I would pass it on to give you some hope and inspiration:

    954sl.jpg
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Louisek wrote: »
    I think is the second job i have lost because of my gender so much for equal rights eh!

    I know, it's bollocks. What I've never understood is why anyone thinks it's any of their business.

    Glad you had a good time with your sister - and well done reaching compromises with your mum, that sounds like it was the right thing to do.

    Edited to add; I know it's not much use in a part-time situation where you may as well get out of the job, but in future guidance like this might be useful.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for sharing that Frankipanda, what an amazing transformation she is really beautiful.
    Certainly gives me hope for happier times and she looks so happy what an inspriration, thanks again.

    I have had a look at that link Piccolo thanks, certainly a lot of information there i have looked at it before but maybe i should have a good look now my situation is changing.
    I really just need to find some sort of work both for the cash but also to prove i can hold a job down, i am hoping that i will have finished my transiton before i need to work full time or think about a long term career.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Louisek wrote: »
    I really just need to find some sort of work both for the cash but also to prove i can hold a job down, i am hoping that i will have finished my transiton before i need to work full time or think about a long term career.

    Fingers crossed, yeah. Increasingly employers in the wider world are pretty good - I worked for a university for a long time that was working really hard to sort out its policies regarding gender and had a harassment policy that didn't place limits on what you could or couldn't be harassed about and I think that's becoming the standard.

    The world is changing, slowly. There are still going to be arseholes and bigots in it, but they can't get away with that shit forever.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have'nt posted in this thread for a while as i felt everything i had to say was just going over the same old frustrations, dramas and disapointments that i have been banging on about for what seems like years.
    However things are starting to improve and move on for me.
    About 3 weeks ago i had my second meeting with the team handling my transition which went really well, they were pleased with how the assesment period was going and felt that as i had now lived as Louise for so long and had proved that i could form new relationships as her and also hold down a job (which i am actually really enjoying) they were happy for me to begin a course of drugs and hormones to begin the physical transition.
    I had to have another medical which is always a bit embarrasing but everything is going well and falling into place, i have to go and have some sperm frozen in 2 weeks which i am dreading and really only doing to keep other people happy i absolutely hate the idea and am not sure how i am going to cope with it but its just something i have to get through.
    After that one more chat with the phsycaiartist and i should start treatment early August.
    I can't help thinking things are going to well at the moment i am so used to it all going wrong i keep waiting for something to happen.
    Still at the moment i am very happy and feeling positive apart form the sperm thing which is actually making me feel ill just thinking about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can't entirely understand how the fertility procedure makes you feel, of course, but it does sound rotten. It will be over in two weeks, though, and then it's just onwards and upwards!

    Considering all the shit that you have to go through for this treatment, I really respect you for sticking to your guns and doing what you think is right for you despite everything. You're an inspiration.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    piccolo wrote: »
    I can't entirely understand how the fertility procedure makes you feel, of course, but it does sound rotten.

    I am not doing it, i just cant do it, the more i think about it the worse it gets i actually feel ill at the thought i just don't think i will be able to do it when the time comes.

    I was only considering it because family said i should but its really not what i want, it may seem selfish but the idea just seems alien to me its horrible !!

    Errgghhh i just dont know what to think at the moment.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ultimately, this is your decision. Whilst it may be selfish to them, you shouldn't be made to feel guilty.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Louisek wrote: »
    I am not doing it, i just cant do it, the more i think about it the worse it gets i actually feel ill at the thought i just don't think i will be able to do it when the time comes.

    I was only considering it because family said i should but its really not what i want, it may seem selfish but the idea just seems alien to me its horrible !!

    Errgghhh i just dont know what to think at the moment.

    It's your decision. Have you talked it over with your counsellor?

    Worst case scenario, you won't be able to create children with your DNA. Plenty of people can't. Since you probably won't be able to give birth as a woman, etc., does 'having your own children' mean anything to you?

    Don't need to answer here, and I'm sorry if I'm raising things you've heard hundreds of times.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hug*
    It is entirely your decision, and one that only you can make, but it's also a decision you have to make now that you may regret later.

    As you know, there are a lot of structures that men have that are adapted forms of a woman's anatomy. Try not to think about them as sperm, but as gametes. It's quite common for gametes to be collected and stored before undertaking a procedure that will prevent them from being available in the future - most usually this is collecting women's eggs before chemotherapy.

    Once taken you can forget about them, but if in the future you have a female partner and want children you'll be able to call on the magic of science and have your own children. It's not currently legal, but it is technically possible for you to have a child with a male partner - you need a donor egg*, remove the gamete from it and replace it with your own, and then ferilise with his sperm, and impant in a surrogate mother.

    Have you discussed how it will be collected - I can fully understand that you wouldn't want to do it in the "normal" way, but there are other ways, I understand it involve a little bit of electricity, is painless and takes seconds an doesn't involve any arousal - but it's not my field - my ex would know, but I can't ask him now.
    piccolo wrote: »
    ...and I'm sorry if I'm raising things you've heard hundreds of times.
    likewise.

    * ideally from a sister, or your mother's sisters' daughters, or your mother's mother's sisters' daughters' daughters - to keep the "right" mitochondrial DNA which is exclusively passed from a mother to her children.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you should do it. If you want to use it in the future, it'll be there and if you don't then don't. I would give the same advice to any young woman about to go through a procedure that would affect their future fertility.
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