Best Of

i feel quite literally the worst i’ve ever felt. i’m so so drained from life. i really just wish that life could end forever.

*im safe, i have no plans or intentions of doing anything to myself*

Saw doctor this morning and talked about the age regression and alters, not a lot of it stuck other than she said that it’s normal for how my brain works due to the nature of the processing of my brain

90% of my life has been full of trauma or me ruining my life I am wasting my life away I need to get my ass into gear and sort it out i want to apply for apprentship in childcare I even might apply for hairdressing as a weekend job I want to go out with my friends I want the social life get back to college countine my driving lessons oh wait I can’t because of my SEIZURES can’t drive can’t apply for jobs can’t have the social life with my friends I AM STUCK IN 4 WALLS with a adult 24/7 when I die I want to die happy knowing I lived my life to the fullest fall over and get back up again make mistakes take in every moment with friends and family driving in the car with blasting music blast music and just live life like it’s my last day on earth I want to be known as passionate caring kind understanding I want to be known as the girl who fought for what was right she fought for her family and friends I don’t want to die and been known as the bitchy person who did nothing in life and just sat on her ass and been through traumaI don’t want to be that girl but I can’t do anything about it I just have to sit on my ass and wait and I am sick of it

I’m trying to push forward and move ahead, but it’s not easy with the slow progress. I do believe I’ll get to where I’m aiming to be, and that belief keeps me going, but it’s not over yet, and the journey isn’t simple. There have been ups and downs along the way. In the summer, I got a new work coach who’s been helpful, just like my previous one. He’s given me solid advice, and my last coach even signed me up with an association that’s still supporting me today, which I’m grateful for. My current coach has also provided good advice and support. When I first got the new coach, he told me he had everything in hand, so I shouldn’t worry. But I couldn’t shake the worry that I might not find a job, and that worry hasn’t gone away. My program finishes in a few days, and I still don’t have anything lined up. The time pressure is really getting to me I’m trying to get something, but it’s just not happening, and it feels like others are finding jobs so much easier. I’ve seen people leave their jobs and land another one within days, while mine is taking much longer. It seems like others secure jobs with ease, or their journeys are just smoother, and it’s hard not to compare myself to them.

I’ve seen people from my year who are my age, and they’ve worked several jobs, built decent careers, have nice cars, and it feels like they’ve got everything figured out. I know I have my own path, and I’ve made improvements, but it’s hard not to compare. Sometimes, I just feel like I’m not good enough because I see not having a job as a failure to secure one. It makes it hard for me to recognize the progress I’ve made. When I think about it, I just see myself as still not having a proper job—like I didn’t have one a year ago or the year before, and that’s still the case. That’s one of the things that affects me. Honestly, when people mention my progress or say they’re proud of me, I often wonder, “What progress?” or think that whatever it is isn’t good enough. For instance, I’ve got a volunteering role, which wasn’t something I wanted to do months ago, but I felt like I needed to do it. Even though I know it will help, I still hesitate, and sometimes I even think about calling in sick or not showing up. It’s hard to push myself to go, but I know it’s important.

The same thing happens with my maths functional skills. I didn’t like it, and I skipped a couple of sessions, hoping it wouldn’t happen. But I passed the first stage, and I think I’m about to move on to the next. Even so, I still feel really embarrassed and self-conscious about it. I feel like I should have reached a higher level by now, and that makes me question my progress.

I’m just trying to take it one step at a time. I really want to do well in life, and the first step for me right now is to get a job. It’s been hard, but I’m hoping it happens soon. This is a big step for me, and it’s been a long process, and I’m still not done yet. I have a few options, and there’s some support available, but none of it is guaranteed. There have been times when I thought I had something lined up, but those options fell through, and nothing is certain. I’m going to keep trying, though. I know something will come, and I believe it should be soon. I try to stay positive, but I also need to be realistic about how long it’s taking and the setbacks I’ve faced.