Depression and Self-Harming - Please read

Former Member

Kermit wrote:

I'm sorry to hear that you do it.

Firstly, don't feel guilty for being ill.



There are, if you are prepared to give them a go.

I never used to think talking about it would do any good. But then I got so desperate that I talked to the doctor, and then went into therapy for three years. Best thing I ever did.



If you need to harm yourself to cope, then it is that bad.

There wil always be people with bigger sob stories than you, but depression and SH isn't about the length of the sob story. You don't get more depressed the more shit happens, you are depressed and the shit bothers you.

If you feel bad then it is bad.



I know exactly what you mean, about the suddeness. I won't pretend I feel your pain, but I do know what you mean. Been there, got the t-shirt.

There are always triggers for your reactions. Reactions need a cause. You just don't know what the cause is; more accurately, you do know what the cause is, you just blot it out. You harm to avoid dealing with the problem.

This is why talking to someone else works. It helps you to sound ideas off against another human, to see what they think. They don't need to be good friends, just someone you can trust.

SH is a reaction to deal with pain. To stop SHing, you need to know what you are avoiding. You need to deal with your problems head on; the SH and the depression are symptoms not causes. Work beyond the symptoms and think about what your triggers are.

For me, my triggers were always when I felt that people slighted me, or would think bad of me. So I slipped when people were horrid to me; I also got depressed when I slipped in the street, or if I got slightly embarrassed. It didn't make sense for a long time, then I worked out what I was doing. The SH was a reaction to the pain, not the cause of the pain.



I know.

Few do. And even if you do SH for attention, it shows you have issues.



You do know what can be done, but you find that option too terrifying to contemplate.

You don't like where you are, but doing something about moving is too frightening.

You're going to have to face that fear to move on.

Hope you're alright chuck.

You know, everything you have said is so right... It's all true...

And, I know fine well what's getting me down. I know exactly what it is. But I don't want to deal with it... I'm scared.

I'm scared that the outcome will only depress me more... and I'll move on to suicide. It happens. I've been there a few times now. But I've caught myself out on the very last moment. I don't want this to happen again... just in case I don't catch that last moment...

Former Member

IWishIWas wrote:

And, I know fine well what's getting me down. I know exactly what it is. But I don't want to deal with it... I'm scared.

It's perfectly OK to be scared, terrified even, of dealing with the problems.

The thing I always found the most terrifying was the thought that treatment might work, it might make me better. Depression felt like it WAS me, and that if I wasn't depressed I wouldn't be anything.

The thought of becoming a success, and being happy, scared the living shit out of me.

Without facing the fear you won't get anywhere.

Have you had a therapy course before? Proper intensive therapy like what I had can be of great use, but talking to a psychiatrist once every few weeks really isn't the same.

Former Member

Uhm... No. I've been told that it would help, that I really should seek out professional help (from someone who's been there and who really knows) but... I'm scared of that too... I mean... I might not even a mental illness... I think I might just be depressed... in a sense...

I just don't know.

But no, I haven't had any therapy or anything.

Former Member

IWishIWas many many people have been through what you're dealing with on this site, myself included. If you have a look through this thread you'll see that. Its hard facing professionals, but worth it in 99% of cases

Former Member

But how?

Former Member

How is it worth it? I can speak from my own experiences. I self harmed for 3 yrs before seeking professional help. Once I did, I got diagnosed as suffering from depression. That helped because it made me realise there was actually something not right, beyond my control, whatever. Then I went on anti depressants and after trying out a few to find the best ones for me, I found they helped, they took away the edge. I also had counselling for three months which helped me hugely. I found talking to this completely impartial person helped me vent more honestly and openly. When you've sought professional help you can also get evidence if its hindering your performance at work/school/uni whatever. I got the support I needed, that my parents wouldn't give me. They still don't know I'm on medication.And I started over a year ago.


edited for typos

Former Member

But how did you seek the help?

Former Member

I booked an appointment with my doctor. And then everything else came from them. I just went in and explained as best I could that I'd been feeling down for a long time and self harming for 3 yrs.

Former Member

I'll see...

Former Member

do think about it if you haven't already I'd suggest reading through this thread. There is a hell of a lot of good advice etc

Former Member

Thank you!
x

Former Member

hey everyone.. i'm new to the site... i'm really depressed so i just wanted to find a site where i could really put down what's been going thro my head...

well.. basically i feel really useless... i'm an international student attending uni... the tution fee is a huge sum of money... my parents have been struggling to pay ... and i've tried to look for part time and stuff... but nothing worked out.... but at least my family have survived in the past few years... trying to save money on everything... so this summer i was thinking applying for an intern. as part of my master degree.... then i could get paid and get a quailification... then my parents wouldn't have to work so hard... and get into so much debt... my parents were thrilled with the idea.... (my dad even said it to my mum when i wasn't around how much he looks forward to not having to worry about money and stuff after this year)..

but me being completely useless did not manage to get an intern./placement... and i can't bear to tell my parents.. that they have to pay me thro uni for another year.... my parents had so much expectation from me... well its more like my dad.... i try to tell my fds about my situation but they don't fully understand the pressure i'm under... they just simply think o well if u can't get a placement then just stay at uni to finish your master... but its like so where's the money coming from then..?! ... they don't realise how much finanical problems i have at home.. and i feel ashame to tell them about it... i have mentioned that my parents are struggling.. but they don't fully understand the extend...(my mum have said so many times in front of me that she feels so much under pressure about money in the past few years she just doesn't know how much longer she can go on and keep on living... my heart broke to pieces when she said it.... ) my dad on the other hand keeps on thinking that life here in uk is much easier than life back home... so he's trying everything possible to let me have a better life here.... (but i don't he realises how much pressure i'm under.. and life isn' exactly that great.. when i'm surrounded with girls with their designers clothings... where they were going for the holidays... ) i know he works sooo hard for me.. but he just doens't realise how no one is enjoying their lives in my family... my mum feels under finanical stress all the time... i feel it... and so does my dad... so why are we all doing this when no one is enjoying their lives?! ..... its all cos my dad has this expectation that i shall do great in uk... and have a chance to lead a good life later on.... but how is it going to happen if i'm not a British Citizen? .... if i say anything remotely connected to going back home to study or work my dad goes crazy.. but does not understand that we just finanically can't take it no more?!.... i can't say it to his face... it will break his heart.... and i don't know what to do....

so i'm just waiting for miracle to happen now... that i win the lotto or sthg... sometimes i think if i killed myself then everyone will have less pressure... my parents won't have to work so hard for me..... but then i know its break their hearts to find that i'm dead after working so hard for me... so the reason why i've not killed myself is not just that i'm scared... but mainly cos i feel the responsbility of living for my parents.... (isn't that sad... the reason for living is not for myself...)... although i'm grateful that my bf has been by my side when i've been upset and depressed... he doesn't know what to say to me most of the time.... and can't do anything.. cos he's my age still studying... but he always lean me his shoulder to cry on....

cos i'm not a bright person.. i just work hard.... only just getting 2.2 or 2.1... not remotely clever enough to apply for scholarships.... and since i'm an international student.. there's not many financial support available.... so i'm just stuck.....

EVERYTHING WOULD HAVE BEEN PREFECT... IF GOT THE PLACEMENT.... BUT I DIDN'T... SO I BLAME MYSELF SO MUCH FOR IT... I'VE NOT BEEN SLEEPING WELL FOR THE LAST DAYS ... THE WORDS AND VISION OF BEING DECLINED FROM THE COMPANIES APPEAR AGAIN AND AGAIN IN MY HEAD AND IN FRONT OF ME.... i always wonder why i haven't gone crazy yet... if i do one day.. then maybe my fds will finally get to know just how depressing i have been.....

thanks for reading... and thx for this site.. i reallly just needed someplace that i could really express myself.... before i go mental...

i wish you all lead a happier life than me... xxx

Former Member

IWishIWas wrote:

But how did you seek the help?

When this thread first started I was cutting, and I hadn't started therapy.

I got referred through a doctor on the NHS. They bumped me up the queue because I was serious, admittedly, but they were very good to me the whole time. And now I'm not serious.

It helps. Depression is a mental illness.

Former Member

I know it is... My boyfriend takes medication for manic depression... He's the one who suggested I get help... because he knows...

But I don't want to be a waste of time, you know? What it I'm just depressed? Without being clinically depressed?

Former Member

I think she means what if shes just feeling depressed and not actually depressed.
Generally if you've felt persistantly low and down for more than 3 weeks, loss/increase in appetite, loss/increase in sleeping, lethargic, loss of interest and pleasure in the things you used to enjoy, thoughts of suicide.... go see a gp.

Former Member

I stopped taking prozac after 10 days and had the worst week of my life with the withdrawal symtoms. Now all I want to do is cut again, even though I'm using every diversion tactic I know.

Former Member

freeallangels19 wrote:

I stopped taking prozac after 10 days and had the worst week of my life with the withdrawal symtoms. Now all I want to do is cut again, even though I'm using every diversion tactic I know.

Why did you give up on the Prozac so early?

littlemissy

Gah. Not having that great a day tbh. It's funny how the festive period, a time where we should all be jolly and happy, brings me down. So much has been going on recently and now that the pressure is off I feel worse. That probably makes no sense at all

It is over a year since I did bad things. But I now have that oh so familiar urge yet again

Former Member

hugs for missy x

Former Member

Randomgirl wrote:

Why did you give up on the Prozac so early?

Because I decided that I didnt want to take drugs to get better. I know AD work for some people, but I just dont want to use them, I think that I'll become to relaint on them.

Former Member

So you'd rather get really depressed instead?

Clever choice that.

Former Member

Why why why?

I cant understand why people would rather suffer depression than help themselves.

Is it just me that would rather take a pill and have a chance of getting better than suffer pain so bad id rather end my life than live it?
Fuck me, id take 10 pills a day everyday for all my life if it'd make me feel happy.(we all know they dont make you 'happy', just an example).

Surely if you felt so bad and depressed, you wouldnt give a toss about taking a drug to make yourself 'artificially happy' (as the stereotypical excuses go)

Former Member

Sikorah wrote:

Why why why?

I cant understand why people would rather suffer depression than help themselves.
go)

Sometimes you can't help but suffer.

You go to therapy for years on end with absoutly no effect. Its only the pills that help. The pills keep you from slitting your wrists or downing that 175 of vodka and some asprin before you go take a cruise. Sometimes you can do everythign under the sun yet its only the pills that help. And they don't help that much. Eventually, after 10+ years of taking them they become uneffective. The higher dose makes you physically ill and the dose you take now just keeps you alive. Sometimes you cant't do anything more than suffer. Sometimes there is no help. Sometimes you just have to deal.

Former Member

freeallangels19 wrote:

Because I decided that I didnt want to take drugs to get better. I know AD work for some people, but I just dont want to use them, I think that I'll become to relaint on them.

I say hang on to the drugs. Or see what works best for you. My boyfriend stopped taking the drugs for a while, because he didn't like the way that they messed with his mind. But then he was dangerously edgy and his ghosts all came back... So he started taking his medication again. It was an on/off thing for a while, and difficult to decide what compromise he should take.

Eventually (I don't understand how AD works) you may become immune to these drugs? And may be put onto a course of other ones to help. Like I said, I don't know if this works for ADs but it does for some other medication.

Ultimately, it is your own choice. You do really have to work out what is best for you. More importantly, have someone else work it out with you. Because their on the outside, they can find pros and cons that you perhaps can't.

Much luck.
x

Former Member

i feel horribly su today for the first time in proper ages

Former Member

Kermit wrote:

So you'd rather get really depressed instead?

Clever choice that.

I've felt quite good since coming off them, once I got through the side effects. I have someone to talk too who is keeping an eye on me, I haven't cut for about 40 days and I've cut back my drinking a lot, which has helped a bit. I might go back them in a couple of months time and give them another go if I reach the incredably low point I got to again. I still have a long way to go but I actually feel like I'm getting some where. As I said in my post, ADs work for some people, but I dont want to use them at this moment in time.

Former Member

I slipped up today. After a good few months of not relying too heavily on self-harm,I just didnt care.
Started on a new part. Top of my leg where it wont be seen. 38 times. some are over 3 inches long.

Im never good enough, nothing i do is right, sick of being moaned at. So theres my punishment.

Former Member

^Crap, innit? I've felt more and more depressed these last few weeks than I have done in months.

Former Member

Stace, I read the original of what you put up there, and I am going to say ONE more time...YOU HAVE MY NUMBER, ffs use it .

On another note, I feel poo. Fab.

Former Member

~*Girl_Interrupted*~ wrote:

You saw it? I was hoping nobody read it before I edited it.

Hope ya ma'dear xx

I saw it. This thread is the only one I'm subscribed to so it came through in the email.

I'm ok. Thinking about death, again, but I'm ok.