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Dating websites
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm a member of several dating websites. I've sent messages to hundreds of girls, but I rarely receive any replies and it's rare for anyone to initiate contact with me. No-one from any of the sites has been willing to even speak to me on the phone, let alone meet me. Does anyone have any constructive suggestions regarding what I can do to become successful via dating sites?
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This discussion you want to be aimed at how you can be more successful with going on dating websites?
No one can be successful going on dating websites that quickly on. There's no such thing about meeting someone and going on date with them or whatever. You have to go about it the way the system works which means....
First of all - You create profile
Second of all - Put it on display ready for people to see
Third of all - Wait to see if anyone messages you back
There maybe some people who are very successful with meeting people online and others not. Could be for any reason why that is but as long as.....
Top of the list - Your yourself,
Second from top of the list - Down To Earth
Third on top of the list - kind
Fourth on top of the list - Truthful
Last on top of the list - You don't come across desperate
These can be put into any order depending on the person but all of these come into it when meeting someone online.
There are other things people look for on dating websites like.....
1. Attractiveness,
2. Someone's profile,
3. Hobbies and Interests
4. Location.
Sometimes that can be taken into account so that's another way some people might be successful on dating websites but if you want someone to notice you and give some attention then this is what you need to do......
1. Present yourself the best way when it comes to your profile picture
2. Keep things short and sweet on your profile
3. Show that your confident when introducing yourself to someone
4. Dont talk about you and your needs
This depends on the person in whatever situation they may have been in before
I still think though personally that the dating websites arnt benefiting you when you have been in this situation again and again. This is aimed at people really who is about to start meeting people who want to ge back out there and date.
Although some of theses are already within yourself and your looking for someone shows that you want to get back out there and meet someone. However, you have been here many times with the same problem and before you act upon anything else that you start changing things in yourself and behaviour.
I'm not saying you can never use those dating websites again but as your situation has been the same since and nothing has changed then maybe changing things in yourself on certain subjects you would of spoke about, how you came across, what did you say t approuch someone first and if you put someone off from what you said is all the things you need to look at.
Hopefully in the future you maybe be able to go back to using them depending on your situation for example. Although in the mean time I do think you need to change things for the better as you said before and look at your behaviour how you came across.
You might find those websites I given you before on the first thread you did helpful. These are the ones.....
www.match.com/datingtips
www.relate.org.uk
www.brook.org.uk - This one I added but its similar to Relate.
Please remember to keep reaching out on here and think about what was said above.
Thank you x
As I said before, I dont think hiding behind a computer screen talking to girls and asking them for sex is anything to go as these dating websites can have an impact on how you really see someone in real life.
I wouldn't suggest you use these sites as from what you mentioned before about not have any success with them that it's not going to have much difference. I still do think your best bet is to meet girls by going out. Again this doesn't have to be in a bar or a club but can be joining a pub quiz, going to garden parties, out on your own one night etc.
By far, the thing that girls most often say they're looking for is someone who makes her laugh. They often say they want someone who doesn't take himself or life seriously, who's laid back, relaxed, chilled-out, happy-go-lucky etc. I'm the exact opposite of that: I'm very serious and anxious. I appreciate comedy as form of entertainment and I watch sitcoms every day. However, I've never understood how or why laughter is the key to seduction; I've never been sexually attracted to and/or sexually excited by someone because she made me laugh.
I've answered that question in your first thread.
In brief: Laughter alone is not enough. Laughter is the salt and pepper which makes the dish more savory. You don't wanna pour s&p in your throat because it's so yummy, but a soup with neither in it is bland.
Profiles need to be fairly short and sweet: enough to give you a flavour, but not a long essay about every film you've ever watched and every book you've ever read. It's quite hard to get it right, it takes a while. You might want to look at male profiles on a website like OKCupid, look at some profiles and shamelessly copy the bits you like (changing them a bit to be about you, of course).
But with profiles the picture is the most important bit. It needs to be interesting and tempting, you enjoying doing something you love is a good start. Even women judge the book by its cover first. OKCupid have done some interesting research on it.
But most women don't make the first move. That means you'll have to do the first message.
Again, short and sweet wins the day. You need to show you're interested in the woman as a person, so your message needs to show that you've actually read her profile. But it shouldn't be too long: ten paragraphs is stalkery. Avoid physical compliments and pleasepleaseplease avoid mentioning sex in a first message. As I've said in your other threads, even one-night-stands are about interacting as people, even if the interaction ends the next morning with a sore head and sticky boxers.
Again, OKCupid have done some interesting research.
The look you're after with a first message is that you could have the pick of people, but you chose them to contact. That's what confidence looks like.
Sexual attractiveness, sexy revealing clothes, a seductive expressive voice and extroverted sexual forwardness. I like her to make it crystal clear that she's 'up for it' and would prefer her to approach me and make the moves on me. I prefer it if she's middle-class, intelligent and educated, although it's not necessary.
I think people can be attractive and interesting without being (amateur) comedians. It's unfortunate that many people view everyone who doesn't use banter, anecdotes and jokes as bland. A male former colleague told me that the daily use of banter, anecdotes and jokes is an unwritten social obligation on all men. He said that if I didn't employ them regularly, no-one would ever like me, I'd never have any friends and I'd die a virgin even if I lived to 100. If someone were telling me jokes and/or anecdotes every few minutes, I'd find it annoying rather than entertaining - especially on a date.
It would only be useful to copy other male profiles if I knew that they were successful. Copying them at random could make matters worse. If profiles gave indications of how popular they are on the site (which they don't), I would study the hundred most successful male profiles and work out what they have in common.
I'm very aware of that. I've spent many hours writing and sending messages to hundreds of girls. I make sure that they don't have any mistakes in them before I send them.
Why do you keep asking for advice, only to tell us that everything we say is COMPLETELY WRONG?
What are you actually getting out of it?
So by that answer, if you were a female judging you, they should judge you on your sexual attractiveness, sexy revealing clothes, a seductive expressive voice and extroverted sexual forwardness. Are these the only important qualities that you have to offer? Don't you have other abilities, skills, viewpoints, opinions that are valuable?
When you judge someone like that, i.e. purely on sexual values, it is called sexual objectification. It is implying that the only qualities they have that are valuable are sex-related. Whilst some people do have a kink for sexual objectification, for most people it is a very negative thing. Particularly for women, who have been sexually objectified in a very negative and oppressive way for quite a while. Being sexually objectified makes people feel used - much like you felt used when you were financially objectified by that girl you have referred to previously. If you value someone as a human being around the sexual side of things, you are more likely to get sex because they will feel valuable as a person.
I'd also like to question if sex is really all you're after. I've seen a couple of messages so far where you have mentioned that you'd like to have "someone you love" and a "polyamorous relationship". What makes you say those things? Polyamory in its true form is not about getting lots of sex with lots of people. It's about forming romantic attachments with more than one person. Also, why do you say that your preference for middle-class intelligent and educated is not necessary?
Have you been told that with having autism you tend to see the world according to a set of rules by which it supposedly operates? You are converting offhand comments that your colleagues say into rules of how the world works. Most of your colleague's comments are not true, and will primarily be bragging.
I always read the girl's profile before sending her a message. My first message is typically two, three or four sentences long. If I didn't use physical compliments, I'd have very little to say to a stranger, especially if her profile has very little information on it. That link is interesting, although it doesn't do what its title claims. I still don't know what to write in order to receive good replies. I won't be following the article's suggestion to use "howdy" instead of hi.
At what point is it acceptable to raise the subject of sex?
I'm asking for advice because I'm not getting what I want and need out of life. I haven't said that everything you say is wrong. I've pointed out (apparent) contradictions where I've seen them.
I don't think thesite is right for you....we're going round in circles, you're getting frustrated, we're getting frustrated....Clearly here, isn't going to give you the answer you want.
Something like: Hi (her name); you're a gorgeous girl, darling. I love your pretty face, long blonde hair and fantastic figure, sweetheart. I love your adventurous personality and I'd love to know you better, honey.
If we live near to each other, or she says that she likes one or more of the TV programmes, films etc. that I like, I will mention that as well.
You're coming off way to strong in my opinion.
There appears to be a consensus that I don't have any qualities that anyone finds attractive. The total number of people who have ever liked me is zero.
Yeah. This is really off putting.
I'm hypersexual. I think about sex more than anything else and I have sores on my penis from pulling it for about two hours a day. However, I wouldn't want my sex drive to be reduced, because without the enjoyment I gain from masturbating and climaxing, my life would be so unbearable that I would commit suicide. I once took medication which had a side-effect of preventing me from having orgasms, and consequently it made me suicidal. I would hate to go a day without ejaculating - I enjoy it far more than anything else. Therefore I know that I would enjoy sex even more and would love to have it frequently.
Ideally, she and I would love each other, and she'd let me have sex with other girls. An open relationship or polyamory would suit me. However, I realise that's unlikely to happen.
I've analysed the attributes of the girls I'm attracted to, in order to see if I have a type. Some things apply to all of them, for example that they're attractive and wear clothes which are revealing and/or tight enough to cling to her body, showing her shape. Some things are of little or no relevance - for example I fancy slim and curvy girls equally. Some things are a preference of mine, but are not present in all of them. An example of that is that class, intelligence and education. It's easier for me to communicate with a person who is intelligent and well-educated because they will understand what I'm saying and I won't have to modify it for them. Despite the fact that I'm underclass, I have a formal way of speaking and a vocabulary which is similar to that of an educated middle-class person. I'm currently texting a girl whom I contacted through a dating site. She's far from being my dreamgirl, but she's pretty and her faults/shortcomings are not sufficient to put me off her (although I wouldn't be bothering with her if there were better girls who wanted me). She meets the minimum threshold required for me to want to have sex with her, and she's one of very few girls who want anything to do with me. She has low self-esteem (I prefer girls who have quite high self-esteem) and is an introvert (I prefer extroverted girls). Text conversations with her are difficult, because of how short her texts are and how little information is on her profile. In addition, she's uneducated and makes basic mistakes with using the wrong words and spelling things wrongly (such as not knowing the difference between there, their and they're). She's anxious and does not reply when I suggest that we talk on the phone or meet, despite the fact that we've done sexual roleplays via texting and she's told me that she wants to have sex with me.
My reasons for using those terms with her are: a) I want to avoid the friendzone by making the acquaintanceship between us sexual from day one and b) I want girls who will frequently use terms of endearment and compliments about my appearance when they talk to me.
What assumption does it make about her?
You've assumed that she's interested in you. It's creepy and really off putting. I would personally ignore your messages if you sent me something like that.
I am judged by other people; it's never a good judgment that is made of me. I used to be proud of being of above-average intelligence, but that's never contributed to attracting girls. In addition, I've never been able to apply my intelligence to become successful in any way. I'd much rather have good looks, good social skills or good health than intelligence. Being intelligent and studious has always made me stick out like a sore thumb among the underclass. I have been studious since I was three. Very few three-year-olds want to sit down for long periods to study and write, but that's what I started doing, of my own accord, at that age.
You missed the point of the question; they asked what YOU think your best qualities are.
I've assumed that she wants a sexual relationship. That's a fair assumption, seeing as she's on a dating website (not a friendship website). I'm sending her a message which indicates that I want a sexual relationship with her and am inviting her to reply if she feels the same way about me.
Like we've mentioned before, just because someone is on a dating website does not mean they want a sexual relationship. Or even if they do, they may not want to fuck straight away and may want an relationship that isn't solely sex focused
I think my best quality is that I'm of above average intelligence. However, no-one else values my intelligence and I haven't been able to use it productively, so I feel that it's not an advantage.