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Everything's changing.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
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I never really wanted to make this thread.. But I just want somewhere to go all stressy on..
Everything's changing.. It's hard. I hate it, I don't know what to do or how to react to it. I've had such a lovely few days at nursery and I'm starting to question if it's right for me.. I don't know why, I just keep thinking this is not the right thing for me. The kids are lovely, the staff are ok. But my legs just arnt helping matters anymore, I broke down into tears today over the pain I was in. It hurts so bad... It's going to get worse as I get older, I will end up having to drop out of college, who would want to employ me?
Things with the family are going downhill big time, the non stop name calling, the threats, everything.. It hurts, I try not to let it but it does, the things the say, the things they do.. I'm human too. I have feelings just like everyone else.
As of Wednesday my counselling officially ends... That's it, it's over, I have to do it on my own without her help and support and that's killing me.. I said I would stay alive until it ended, now it's over I don't feel the need to keep breathing.
I keep falling into this like pattern, I'll go a few days without harming, then bang back to square one, I managed just under a week this time.. It sucks. Just going back and forward like this.
I just I don't know anymore, everything is pointless, I've tried so flipping hard not to bother people here... I just don't feel like I have any where else left to turn to.. I just feel alone.. Trapped in this cycle of never endingness, a cycle that wont end. A cycle that refused to allow me to attempt this 'happy' thing.
When I'm in nursery I just pretend to be happy and ok, no one is any the wiser, they think I'm ok, I can't find the strength to just be like 'No I'm not really ok' I'm just struggling to cope and deal with all this the correct way.
Sorry..
I never really wanted to make this thread.. But I just want somewhere to go all stressy on..
Everything's changing.. It's hard. I hate it, I don't know what to do or how to react to it. I've had such a lovely few days at nursery and I'm starting to question if it's right for me.. I don't know why, I just keep thinking this is not the right thing for me. The kids are lovely, the staff are ok. But my legs just arnt helping matters anymore, I broke down into tears today over the pain I was in. It hurts so bad... It's going to get worse as I get older, I will end up having to drop out of college, who would want to employ me?
Things with the family are going downhill big time, the non stop name calling, the threats, everything.. It hurts, I try not to let it but it does, the things the say, the things they do.. I'm human too. I have feelings just like everyone else.
As of Wednesday my counselling officially ends... That's it, it's over, I have to do it on my own without her help and support and that's killing me.. I said I would stay alive until it ended, now it's over I don't feel the need to keep breathing.
I keep falling into this like pattern, I'll go a few days without harming, then bang back to square one, I managed just under a week this time.. It sucks. Just going back and forward like this.
I just I don't know anymore, everything is pointless, I've tried so flipping hard not to bother people here... I just don't feel like I have any where else left to turn to.. I just feel alone.. Trapped in this cycle of never endingness, a cycle that wont end. A cycle that refused to allow me to attempt this 'happy' thing.
When I'm in nursery I just pretend to be happy and ok, no one is any the wiser, they think I'm ok, I can't find the strength to just be like 'No I'm not really ok' I'm just struggling to cope and deal with all this the correct way.
Sorry..
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Comments
I'm so sorry your feeling so bad, sending big hugs your way {{hug}}
Change is so very hard but in time it becomes the norm, just push through this moment this feeling and see what happens. You mention pain in your legs, do you know why they hurt?
Of course what your family are doing hurts and you are important too. At the moment you need to just let what they say go in one ear and our the other. You know it's not true and that's what matters.
I know how you feel it's so hard to have the support and begin feeling better and then it ends far to quickly , take support from here from us.
Remember your never alone , there is always someone to turn to and posting here is fine as we can support you through this.
Your not alone and I certainly care about you.
If you want to chat I'm online for abit.
I've got toren and scared ligaments and cartilages and currently waiting to get my knees replaced.
I've just harmed again.. I don't even know why now.. I keep crying, panicking, all shivery.. Just done with everything now.
I'm sorry your feeling so bad and that you've harmed again, you can't see what set it off this time?
It sounds like your having a panic attack, try taking some long deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth slowly and you should star to feel a bit better. It will make your body reaction calm down with the breathing, put on an extra layer and cuddle up in a nice snugly blanket. You need to give yourself some TLC. I've had lots of panic statics and they are horrible but you will get through this just keep breathing slowly and you'll begin to notice a difference.
You feel you done with everything now, but once you start to feel calmer things will feel a bit better and if not you need to reach out to someone to help, don't try to do this all alone.; I did that and I didn't end up in a good place but doing a lot better now ;o) Still struggling but know it will pass in time.
Keep posting for support when you need it, however many times.
Let me know how your feeling in a little while of keep chatting if you want to, it might help.
I came online and found this website because I felt terrible and didn't know what to do with myself, my mind went to suicide and I knew that was wrong so wanted to reach out to someone who would understand but haven't posted directly with my own issues as only joined tonight.
I'm the same feeling quite shit at the moment and I'm also a panicky person, I have some medicine to try to help me with it.
I hope I didn't say anything that made you feel you shouldn't have posted.
Please don't do anything your life is so worth living, although it's really tough right now things can change, you can change. It's hard and it's a long road but I know that you can do it, you don't realise this right now but you are strong and you can do this.
Have you seen your GP about these feelings? Remember the Samaritans are there 24/7, reach out for the support there are so many people rooting for you and wanting you to succeed, even if they aren't showing it.
Sending big hugs your way {{{hug}}}
What are you up to today?
I know you can't see it right now but deep down you are a strong person and coming on here asking for support takes courage and strength.
It's not pathetic to feel like this or weak, remember your not alone and there is so much support out there for you. Please , please reach out Samaritans was set up to help people when they feel like this , please ring them now.
Keep posting to here and talking as it will help.
Take just small steps to get through this, what makes you feel relaxed and calm? Do you have anything you need to do today?
It sounds like your really enjoying your placement at nursery which is great
Who are the threats from owlie? Is there no way you could stay somewhere else for a few weeks, just to let you have a little breather?
I know how difficult ending counselling can be. I had a counsellor for 2 years, she was great but she was reassigned to different houses closer to where she's from so I had to get a new one. It's hard but you can do it, I have every faith in you. There's services out there, like Samaritans for example, that will never turn you away and will support you until you feel your stable again. And of course you have TS behind you 100% of the way
Relapsing is part of recovery so don't be so hard on yourself. Managing nearly a week with out self harming is great
Your not bothering anyone on here. Please remember that. We all want to be here to support you through this. I know you can get through it because you are a strong, bright, beautiful young woman with a great future a head of you. I know it's hard to believe right now bit it's the truth
X
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I was made to take my jumper off today... They seen my arms... They just glared at them.. And kept saying thing... Feel like complete rubbish... It sucks.
I dislike using Samaritans, just cause I don't have English as my first language... I don't like dumping everything on people here, I just feel in the way.. Its fine.
I have heard of the butterfly project, but I cant draw them anymore cause of nursery.
I don't believe it... I just feel alone.. Its ok, ill be fine.
I'm sorry Nursery hasn't turned out as planned. Maybe because you have only just started they might not want to overwhelm you with tasks? What do you think? If you aren't happy about what jobs you have been given or if you feel you are being treated unfairly, how about having a chat to your supervisor? As for people seeing your arms, maybe they wasn't glaring at you but was concerned. Some people don't know how to react when they see SH scars/cuts - I know myself how hard it is. Do you know why they made you take your jumper off?
Ah yes, sorry I remember you saying that now. They also have a text service so it would almost just be like messaging me on facebook? How about you just give them a quick text and see how it goes from there? You're not under any pressure to message them back once they replied if you don't want and everything you say to them is completely confidential.
Have you heard of a feelings book? Maybe that is something you could look into doing. I had one when I was in a very dark place. Its basically like a positive book but instead of positive things, you write down your feelings (positive or negative). So the way I used to do it was use each page for whatever feeling I had that day and drew something that went along side of it. It helped me a lot so many that's something you could give a go? Or theres always your wreck this journal?
I know you said you don't believe it but there are people on here, including me, the genuinely care about you and how you feel. You never have to feel alone. I am so glad that you created this thread - its a positive move
I just I don't know about messaging them.. Id feel horrible.. There's other people euth bugger problems. Sorry.
I'm sorry Suzy
Its up to you what you do about the Samaritans but just know that they're there if you need to use them
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Sent by Sony Xperia
:yes: Some really sound advice here. If you can have the confidence to ask for some time to talk to your manager - you may have 1-2-1 time with them anyway? Then bringing this up and talking it over could help you feel more at ease and clear the air. Having an elephant in the room as Becki says can lead to people making assumptions and you feeling anxious and upset.
You don't have to tell them anything that you don't want to but perhaps talking through the best way to explain them to the children if they ask? Is that something that worries you at all?
Let us know and we can help you come up with some phrases if you like?
In terms of the jobs you're doing, it's early days but again, you can ask your manager what sorts of things you're likely to get involved in over the coming weeks.
Work uniforms can be a bit of a nightmare, luckily **Helen** doesn't make me wear one
*hug*
Wish what worked?
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Me leaving this all behind...
We just told the kids that my cat scratched it...it sucks, my fresh ones where questioned today... They called me stupid... Currently have my arms covered in bandages....
I hate the uniform, I just feel so flipping fat and disgusting... When i out this morning, I cried at how disgusting I look... Hate it, just a disgusting person..
Today, i was just vanished to the cupboard again...I helped with dinner time and sleep time. I just feel so shit with everything, I just want to crawl into bed and hide from everyone... Feelings suck