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I'm lost without him, it don't seam real at all.
Mother's health has taken a massive down turn, it's getting worse. I don't really know what to do anymore. I guess I deserve the pain and upset.
What do you think would help at the moment? A distraction maybe?
Take a look at this mega list of distractions. Maybe something on there might help you focus on something else for a bit?
I don't even know what would help anymore, I just feel lost and unwelcome.. Like no one want's me here anymore, I know that's true with a lot of people and I hate knowing that it's true.
As with the list, I've spent most of my summer doing number one
Sent from my GT-I8190 using Tapatalk
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
I just feel like I'm a pointless waste of human. There's just no need for me to be here. Like no need at all, I'm just a bother, I get in everyones ways. Stupid person.
Id love to be a talkative person, i used to be a really talkative person, but no one would care anyway so its best if I'm silent. Keeps others happy, yea I'm not happy but i don't matter anymore.
Mothers health is getting worse as the days go on, its hard to cope with. I need to stay here on earth for the twins, I'm all they have left. But at the same time my head wants me to leave. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sort for being a bother to everyone
What's going on SuzyQ?
I'm missing me brother lots, I just wish I could go see him, but no the police have to be arses and not allow conact with his family till December. However they allow his girlfriend to move in with him... It just hurts.
It's also 2 weeks till my nana's first anniversary, the closer it get's the more I want to join her, I'm such a shitty person. I've failed her in so many way's she would be so fucking upset with me.
I just don't know anymore, I don't deserve people I don't deserve people to be even talking to me, I should just shut up and not say anything.
From around the age of 12 when I got my first job I had to pay rent, To me it just seamed like I was not related to her at all, that I was just someone who lived with her and payed rent.Even now at the age of 18, I still pay rent I'm forced to give her £45 a week.. If I fail that or don't have it then she throws me out as I can't pay my way. Along side that, I still do the food shop ever month, the house is clean everyday, the washing is always done same with the ironing. The bills are always payed, I pay the phone, top up the electric meter, pay the internet bill, the £45 I give her goes on the twins and my older brother, normally getting them clothes or sweets, or for my brother paying some of his rent despite him living in Scotland and earning over £900 a month!
Even in general doing things around the house it's me has to do it, I get that I'm the oldest and I have to do more than my younger sisters, but they are old enough to start doing things for themselves, somehow I think at the age of 12 they are old enough to pick up their own washing, and run their own bath.
Yes I get that the twins are only 12 and there is things they can't do, but when I was 12 I was doing everything for myself, I'm not saying that I want that to happen to them, I just eugh.. I don't know I can't put it in to words.
Anytime I've questioned it with me mother her reaction would normally be a violent one, which I'm used to, I'm used to her being like that with me. That's just a part of life, I guess this is the first time that I've ever really spoke about this to other people. It's just I hate it so much, I just want us all to be treated the same. I just want my mother just once to tell me that she loves me. Is that to much to ask? I can't remember the last time she told me.
What you share is important , don't feel like you need to take this down.
To us on the boards your very important .
It must be difficult being the eldest in your family and responsibilities falling always on you .
Have you tried talking to your mum about how you feel?
Try writing it down as a letter can't be ignored as easy in black and white !
We are all here for you x
I should take it down though... People don't need to see/read me shite..
I'm not the oldest, my brother is 22 but he's moved out so I'm like the oldest in me house.
With writing it down... It's pretty much pointless, trying to express myself in English is like a no go, It's easer to express myself in my first language, butmy mother refuses to accept that as my first language, due to the fact the twins where born in Northern Ireland therefore making them British and I was born in ROI therefore making me Irish, I've always been brought up around people who speak Irish so my English is horrible..
I don't deserve people.. Sorry
I just feel well lonely tonight, i keep thinking about last weekend sat work and thinking why don't i do what Caria told me to do and just stop breathing? She would be happy, if be free from her hitting me and making me feel even more shitty about myself.
Somehow I've managed to stop crying i think I've ran out if tears, sleep is not even on the cards tonight. I need to get my head to shut up, i know how to do it, bit i don't want to.
I've reported Caria but my boss and line manager just tell me to ignore her. It generally makes me want to quit. The customers have noticed the change in how I'm acting from when she came back. I'm mot as bubbly as what i was during the winter when she was not there. I know me bubbly might be hard for people to believe, but yea i was really happy at work i loved it. I'm the youngest there and the only female during the summer so all the lads act like the older brother to me, i get on really well with them and they have noticed that ice changed the way i act. She scares me to the point im tempted to phone my boss now and quit so i don't have to face her on Saturday.
I apologise for the spelling mistakes, my phones set to Irish and i cant change it. Therefore ot does not pick up English words. Sorry.
My knees are in a stupid amount of pain now, like I'm generally scared by the time in 20 I'm not going to be able to walk. The pain is 24/7 at times if does get worse, out of ten right now it would be a eight and a half... The pain is spreading up into my back which then prevents me from moving... I'm so fucking scared, the NHS wont do the operation i need as in too young, I've been told to wait till I'm 25 then come back to them and they will be able to do something then, given im 18 now I'm scared to think what ill be like by the time in 25.
Ugh I'm sorry for posing sorry for taking up the space that someone else could be using. Sorry
I hope this morning you are feeling a little better .
I just wanted to wish you all the best when you meet the queen today .
Have a fab day and enjoy every minute.
First of all I just wanted to offer you some hugs *hug* What an awful lot you're dealing with right now, not only all of your thoughts and feelings but day to day - you are looking after your family in so many ways. It must feel incredibly hard to keep going sometimes when it sounds like your mum really struggles to show any appreciation for all your hard work.
Being in an environment where you don't feel acknowledged for a long period of time will have taken it's toll on you and on how you see yourself. I can hear that you feel you don't deserve support here on TheSite. On someone else's thread you said yourself that you believed that everyone that posted here deserved a reply - you can apply that to yourself as well. It's exactly what this place is here for. You are absolutely worthy of support but I can appreciate it's really hard for you to accept when for so long you've managed on your own.
Well done for reporting this girl at work, if there's no let up at all and your bosses aren't doing anything then you could consider reporting it to the police? What you're experiencing is genuine harassment that you do not deserve.
Have you considered talking to a professional about everything - your doctor would be a first step - there may be services in your area that they can refer you to in terms of coping with all the feelings from your childhood and having space to talk to someone that you can trust.
Hang in there *hug*
I hope it goes/went well today - looking forward to hearing about it :yes:
It is hard but it's just one of them things I guess, she wished she never had me, wishes I was never born, treats me different from everyone else it's just normal I guess, one of them things that happens in life, I really should not be giving off about it. I don't deserve support here, I'm just a stupid pointless waste of skin and air. Others deserve a reply, they are going through serious stuff and I'm just sat here giving off. I don't deserve anyone.
With the girl at work I'm close to losing my job over her, after she told me to kill myself I walked away and Paul went mad. Despite me telling him what happened and John (another member of staff) hearing her, nothing was done. I'm just expected to put up with it. But why don't I give into her wishes? She's happy I'll be gone, everyone would be so much happier, the world would be a better place without me.
I've been sent to places through my GP before, but they told me 'we don't deal with your kind here' and I've not heard a thing scene, I've gotta see me GP again next Wednesday, so I don't know yet, I get on ok with my GP he can read me like a book, but I don't know if I'll be able to tell him anything, he's normally really busy, so it's pretty much as soon as your in your out within five mins.
Today was so scary! But I've meet the Queen of England! She was so nice, we talked for a while, she was asking about like the stuff I've done for charity, what charities I'm involved with and any others that I know about, so you's got a wee shout out to the queen