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Its not really impressive... I just work hard i guess, but its not hard enough to please mother. Nothing i do will ever be enough for her. Sorry
The best thing about this place is you can come and say however and whatever you're feeling, and it's really good you're doing that.
Now I'm just feeling really unsure of everything.. Like really scared. There was a bit of a problem in work on Saturday night, where people from me old collage showed up and give me a run of kicking, which I did deserve, but this has left me like really really scared to even leave now.. I don't know how I'm gonna manage it. I just don't know what to do.
My speech is getting worse now every day, just finding it harder and harder to talk to people in real life. Them that I do manage to talk to, I stutter and get all panicky cause people are laughing or making comments.. It just like makes me go back into this little bubble where I keep everything to myself.
I've been doing a lot of thinking in general.. Like about everything including support that I get. Thinking about just stopping everything, posting here, coming in to support chat, stopping my online counselling. Mainly due to the fact that I just don't feel welcome or safe, or that I don't really trust people anymore. I know I've hurt so many people, and I know I've upset like everyone, I just can't put into words how downright horrible I feel.
My brother, we heard from him a few day's ago, we are not allowed to see him till December, which is really hard I guess, like it's 7 months away. Me and my brother are super close even though he's now in Scotland. He's been refused all leave and we have not been given permission to go visit or have any contact at all with him. Yea I get that he left in January and I should be used to him not being here by now, but he's my brother, and going from seeing him every day for 18 years to just waking up one day and he's gone is so flipping hard.. I just want to hear his voice more than anything... But that's not going to happen till December. He was due to come home for my little sister's birthday on Thursday as a surprise for them.. But he's not allowed now, I know how much he was looking forward to seeing them. It kills me cause they knew that there where getting a big surprise (which was my brother) now they are not. It's not fair on them, they are only little.
Anyway.. Really don't expect anyone to answer,as normal, just getting it out of my system.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
My counsellor knows about the problem I have with talking, but I just don't know how to tall her that it's worse.
If I stop everything, like support and taking, i won't hurt people or upset them. Stuff won't be taken and said elsewhere. Everyone would be so much happier without the little owl here. Yes the owl would not be happy, but everyone else has to be happy. I know how much I piss everyone off, and I hate the fact that I know I upset people, you cab say all you like that I don't upset people bit I know I do.
I'm not a brave person, I'm just someone who is trying to keep strong for everyone and its killing her inside and no one can see.
My brother, I miss him so much, it hurts me so much not being able to pick up the phone and hear his voice, or just tell him how everything is going. I think the fact that it's the twins birthday on Thursday makes it a little harder.
Anyway.. Sorry for positing.
After a lot of thinking I've decided I'm not going to be around anymore, this mainly due to the fact I no longer feel safe here. There's only so much one person can take and I can't do it any more, I can't put up with everything that's happened. Trying to act like things that people come out with don't hurt me or upset me. Done with just being a no one I guess.
I wish you all the best with everything.
The past few mornings I've woke up with this really bad pain in my head that stays all day... Nothing I do get's rid of it. Trying to walk is like impossible it just makes everything go all blurry and fuzzy looking. I've tried to get an appointment with me GP but for an emergency there's a two week wait.. A normal appointment there's a wait of a month, and that's with all doctors. A&E is not an option.. I can't go there, I've to many bad memories of the place, I know that sounds stupid but I can't go.
I've just got the feeling now that I can't go on anymore. Just everything is going wrong and I don't know how to deal with it, it's all wizzing around my head I just can't deal with it at all. I've tried writing it done but it don't really help I guess. There's not really anyone here that I could talk to if I wanted to, so that makes it harder..
I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's hurting me so bad that I can't see my brother till December, no contact at all, I just don't know what to do,Me and James are really close even though he's in Scotland, He's been gone almost 6 months and we have only seen him once,and that was when we went over for his passing out. Don't get me wrong seeing him then was amazing! Like the best thing ever, I've never been more proud of him. Just now I'm being the selfish sister and wanting him home. He's doing his dream job over there and all I want is him home, I'm such a stupid sister. He was to come home this week for my twin sisters birthday but it was canceled and we where told no contact till December or he could lose his job.
The twins school is still for closing, and the other schools in our area won't take them... We have tried, they did it on a first come first served bases. From what they said the girls just missed out, I'm so worried about their future, As the school closes when they are moving from 4th year to 5 year (so middle of GCSES) as it stands at the moment they have no school to carry on their exams... No where will take them and we don't know what to do anymore.
I've now officilly finished first year of collage which is like the best feeling ever! I guess in some ways I'm a little proud at the fact that I managed to keep going but also that I got the highest marks in my class. This is like massive for me, cause up untill this year I'd never been in an English spoken school before.. So it was like huge. But yea proud owly at how I did.
Sorry for posting, never noticed how long it was... Sorry
Good to hear that you've finished college for this year, that's pretty exciting, well done!
It sounds like you've got quite a bit on your plate still though, and missing your brother which would be tough as well. Sometimes even a text or a phonecall or Skype can make that long distance and time being away feel a lot shorter and a lot closer. I'm sure you do that already, but it's good to remember sometimes.
You might be interested in checking out Young Carers as it sounds like you are looking after your whole family at the moment. That can feel quite stresssful and daunting, but there's loads of good support that you can access there.
It's important to look after yourself as well, and it sounds like you need to make everyone else happy before yourself - in fact, by looking after yourself and continuing with counselling you'll be putting yourself in a much stronger position in the long run to look after your family around you. It would be worth keeping at the counselling or maybe having a chat with your counsellor about how you're feeling?
Although you've got a long waiting list for the doctors, which can be really tough, if the pain doesn't go away it's probably best to make an appointment. You could also call NHS Direct and they may advise an emergency GP appointment that you can back yourself up with. NHS Direct can be a really good way to get a bit of clear information and guidance as well.
Let us know what you think and keep us updated. Congrats on finishing college. :thumb:
Thank you so much! I'm so happy with how I did
With my brother, we arnt allowed any contact with him at all, so no phone calls or Skype, it's just the way the police work over there I guess. I just miss him I guess.
I've looked after my full family for as long as I can remember, I did used to be supported by a Young Carer's project but cause I'm now 18 I'm no longer supported by them. With looking after the family I'm the person that brings in the money cause my parents are to sick to work, so I guess that's a little hard, But I'm not really allowed to complain about it.
With looking after myself I'm not that important anyway so I don't really matter at the end of the day, I'm just putting it down to being tired or something. The thing with the counselling, I just don't feel like I'm worthy of her time, I just feel like I'm wasting it all. I used to use the site before I turned 18, and she kept my counselling going, but because I'm no longer on the site I just feel like I'm taking the time away from her that she could be using on someone else.
Sorry for posting.
Have you tried Carers Direct? They will support over 18s and they have a helpline and online chat service. I just tried out the live chat service and the advisor was really helpful and friendly and I was able to chat to someone straight away. She was called Donna and she said they'd be happy to chat to you and support you
In terms of the counselling - it's quite common for people to to feel that perhaps other people are more deserving of a counsellor's time - this is really for your counsellor to decide and from hearing about all the things that you're juggling and dealing with at the moment it sounds that this space to talk to someone that won't judge you is really valuable. If you let all those thoughts whizz around in your head then it's going to end up with you feeling pretty tired, upset and stressed out. Is writing here helping? We're always happy to listen, don't forget that :yes:
Missing your brother must be so tough - perhaps when you want to talk to him you could write him a letter. Even thought you can't send it, it might be a relief to give yourself that time to think of him and let yourself miss him. Another idea would be to make a scrap book of the things that you and your family are doing each month, maybe with some photos so that when he gets back you can give it to him and show him everything that's been going on? Just an idea!
Take care *hug*
Thank you so much, even though at times I was thinking about just dropping out I'm glad I kept going, just off the phone there and I now have a baby and toddler placement for next year! Go and visit them on Monday morning
I think we have has a Carer's Assessment before, but they said that our family's needs wernt high enough, and that we where to inform them of any change which we have done, they came and re assessed us but still said that they wernt high enough to get any help or anything like that.
With the counselling, I do enjoy just having somewhere that I know is safe where I can just rant and cry if needed and that, and my counesllor's lovely, she don't like force me to talk about something like other's have done in the past and stuff. She know's that I'm unsure about weather to carry on. Deep down I don't want to stop, cause I know I need the help/support from someone who won't judge me or anything, but at the same time my head is saying, that I'm just wasting her time, that I don't deserve the help that she offers me, I just don't know what to do. It's all like rushing around my head.
However... I did just eat for the first time in a while, Kindof wish I never did, feel horrible, only really ate cause my sisters where with me.. Hmm sorry
Missing me brother is hard, but I should be happy, he's out there with a job for life, and I'm just sat here wishing he was home, it's just not the same without him here. His girlfriend is moving over to live with him on Saturday, she got the go ahead from the police and now has a job and everything, I just wish he could come home, I knew it was going to be hard, but I never thought that it would be this hard. Just like waking up and he's not here, just nothings the same without him anymore, I just want to hear his voice, I just want one of his hugs. Knowing I can't see him till December just makes it so much harder.
Posting here- I'm unsure, like I'm still scared to be here. But if I kept everything in god knows what would happen. I'm just like trying to do the right thing by everyone it's just hard. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for posting I'm sorry for everything
don't give them the satisfaction of answering the phone. ignore it or turn your phone off until they get bored. if you know who it is, could you report them to the police?
She was my only friend, So I guess I've got no one now.. I just don't know what to do anymore
On the upish side, I now have another job, so that might keep mother off my back a bit at least I guess.. Well I hope it will, only really one way to find out. However, I'm close to losing my job in the Bingo, do to my health problems, with my knees and back Paul was telling me last night if they don't improve they will have to let me go, as the customers are complaining to much about me. I've not had any massive knee problems in a few months now, and my back, it only started hurting this weekend after pulling something in it. I'm always in pain with my knees but it never effects me work... So I don't know anymore. Sorry
Was thinking last night and I know I've said it before, but this is like the first time it's hit me like this, Knowing that I won't see James till December has just made me want him home even more. The fact that his girlfriend is over there with him now I think makes it worse, Yea I know she is James's girlfriend, but I'm his sister, I just want my brother home. I know that makes me a horrible person and everything, James has a job and a life out there and then there's just me wishing he would come home.
Meh
This prank calling sounds really horrible - you should be able to speak to your network provider and get the number blocked or as FireyFirenze says, do your best to ignore the calls and they will get bored eventually. It's really childish behaviour and it sounds like you're a lot more mature than that. Even so, for someone you thought was your friend to do this, no wonder you're feeling upset, it's really out of order and totally uncalled for *hug*
So.. all the best with the new job and well done for managing to get another one so soon! You are a very determined person by the sounds of it. With the bingo place, Perhaps it's worth asking for a meeting with your manager to talk things through?
I hope you're able to get a bit of rest to look after yourself - you mentioned feeling bad about eating but allowing yourself that fuel to keep your body strong and healthy is really going to help your energy levels :yes:
Prank calls- I've arleady spoke to the network provider, and there is nothing they can do because it's a private number, the only option they give me was to change my number, which I can't do, to many people have my number to be going and changing it now. I don't see why it should be me that has to change for once I've done nothing wrong.
New job- Thanks!
Eating- Eating is really bad when your an owl. It's just bad and my head don't like it, even trying to eat a meal without crying is horrible.
Sorry for posting.. Sorry
A person I'm friendly is going through a rough time at the moment and I'm trying my best to help and support her, but I can't... It's horrible what I'm gonna say but I've found myself just turning my phone off just cause I can't deal with her, I know that's horrible I know it is.. But I just can't.
My counselor won't let me stop working with her, she feels like it's not in my best interest.. I still want to stop, if it was not that she would worry I'd just stop answering her emails. I just feel like I waste her time, and that I'm not worth the help that she has. I do trust her a lot which is like a huge thing for me.... It's just I don't feel like I deserve her time and help, I just feel like she could be helping other people.
It's now coming up to a year from my nana passed... I can't believe it's almost been a year I'm refusing to believe it. I wanted to get her flowers from my brother, but the aunts and uncles refused to let me near her grave as I'm a horrible granddaughter. I get that yes she was their mother but she was my granny too... There has always been problems with me and the aunts and uncles. Even when my nana was fighting for her life they said I was only there for her money which was in no way true! I was there because I loved my nana and wanted to say goodbye. But clearly they just don't agree that I was allowed to say bye to her. I had to fight for my right to go to her funeral, my nana left everyone of her grandchildren something to do, me including, and when it came to her funeral, the aunts and uncles said that I was not allowed they went agents her wishes...I just want to hear her voice one more time, I just want to tell her everything that's been happening, but I know I can't and it hurts so bad.
Mehh sorry
I just want everything to stop
I touched upon my mother being ill tonight in chat... I'm so tried running after everyone trying to look after everyone its so hard. No one gets it. Deep down i want everything to end, but i cant leave the twins they are all they have left.
My nana would be really disappointed with how everything has been dealt with.
Just everything tonight is hard and i ust cant see any way out. I'm sorry.
Next week its a year from my nana died. Its not fair. She was a good woman,her last words keep playing over and over in my head, it hurts so bad that i cant talk to her
It sounds like you've got a lot of things going on at the moment - especially around the anniversary of your nana dying. Anniversary's of moments like this can be a really tough time for people so it's quite natural you're feeling this way, and it's not something that you should be used to.
You also mention looking after your mum and how tiring that is, it really must be tough feeling like you're looking after everyone. It sounds like you've got a lot on your shoulders at the moment.
Have your tried contacting Carers Direct yet as Jo suggested? They've got a helpline you can call and a webchat service if you just want to have a chat to someone online. They will be able to give you support and options, it may help make things feel less overwhelming.
Looking after everyone is just normal for me I should be used to it all. I think I'm just tired.. Not really something I should be moaning about I guess.
I still can't find my smile it's like someones stolen it, I do try my best to be this positive happy owl for the twins but it's hard, I try not to let them see how hard everything is. I try to protect them from it, they are still young they should not have to be dealing with this at their age.. Mehh Sorry
U
I'm in such an emotional mood tonight, I've been crying for a good 2 hours. I just feel broken. Its been a long time sence i felt this way and i cant see any positive way to get out of this feeling. My eyes are red and puffy from crying. I hate crying i hate feeling like this.
I just get get the feeling I upset everyone, i know people hate me that's a fact of life for me now. Yea i get you can't get on with everyone but people make it so obvious now and its a matter of time till i snap. I cant put up with it for much longer.
I've got a stupid ringing in my ear and its driving me insane. The pains in my back have gotten worse to the point where i feel physically sick. The problems with my back are connected to my knee problems, pretty much long story short i need an operation on them. The NHS wont fund the operation as in to young. I cant afford to go private or i would.
Meh I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for upsetting everyone and getting in everyone's way.
I went to see Thomas today, he looked so peaceful. His funeral is tomorrow, I really don't know how to process that. In my head he's still not gone. He's going to ring me and tell me it was a joke and that he loved me. I can't be doing this anymore I can't. When I heard I felt like someone ripped my heart out and smashed it into a million parts. It's not fair, His friends blame me for what happened, if I was awake there is a chance (a pretty big chance at that) he would still be with us today. He even said in his voicemail that I keep playing over and over, just feels like it's the last little part of him I've got left, and I can't bring myself to delete it.
I'm so sorry to hear about Thomas. It sounds like you were really close and it must be a bit of a shock. But no matter what his friends say, it was not your fault. In the end, you only control yourself, and you're not responsible for his decision.
You've lost a lot of people recently and I can't imagine how hard that must be. Feeling horrible is totally understandable after everything that's happened. But we're here, no matter how bad it gets. We like having SuzyOwl flying around chat, dropping amazing owl facts and Irish words
There is also support outside TS to help you through your grieving. I wonder if you've tried Cruse? You can talk to them on the phone (0808 808 1677) or via email info@rd4u.org.uk. They can help you talk through things 1-1, which might help you process everything that's happened and make things just a little more bearable
Thanks for keeping us posted, and do keep posting!
Seamus
It's incredibly mature, and shows just how wise an owl you are!
First thing's first, it made me giggle that you called yourself Séamus. Thank you for making me smile
Me and Thomas where really close, we where like brother and sister, his parents even described us like that. We used to run around the summer and people though we where related. Despite being in school together and everything we still got on so well. He was only 17. I'm sat now thinking back to last summer laughing away to myself at everything we did. Thomas encouraged me to push on with my kayaking. even entered me in the cheeky wee competition without me knowing! It was the little things like that is what I loved about him. He was always such a bubbly person. I visited the school we both went to, the same 6th form, they had a short mass for him, just seeing and hearing everything that people had to say about him, it was amazing, he was really loved and respected up there. Right enough some of the things that I heard he got up to while there really made me laugh and think that was a typical Thomas thing.
There's a Curse based close to where my collage is. I went to them just before I left but I found the set up really odd. I know it was probley just me, but it was just really really weird, they tried their best to talk me around, or well try to get me to talk to them. But like talking in English about how I'm feeling and stuff is something that I've often struggled with. Here is different because well I've got the use of a translator.
Like talking here is something that I've always felt bad about and still do, like I just feel like I don't fit in. I know that I'm different from everyone else, and yea I get that EVERYONE is different, but you all like belong. I just kindof feel like an outsider. Sorry.
Yous only like SuzyOwl flying around so you can confuse the poor owl with your English words like hanky and hula-hoop!