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Confused ranting owl
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I really don’t expect anyone to answer this, I know some people think I’m an attention seeker or a pain in the arse as I’ve been told before. But I’m still going to rant, and trust me I feel horrible for what I’m doing.
Pretty much, I don’t want to be here no more, It’s that simple, I know I’ve said this before but it’s a different feeling I have this time. Everything is changing, it’s going to fast.
Dad’s back fighting for his life again which is possibly one of the hardest things to see. I’ve never felt more useless before than when I’m sitting there and he has no clue who I am, I just want to swap places with him. He’s a good man who does not deserve this. His memory in general got worse over the past few weeks, he no longer know’s who I am which is really hard.
He would tend to lash out say things like ‘ Who the fuck are you’ ‘don’t hurt me’ ‘ your no daughter of mine’ ‘ I only have two daughters Valerie and Melissa’ (my sisters). There has been a few times where stuff has been thrown and that, but that’s normal I guess, well possibly not normal to everyone else, but normal to me.
I just like wanna cry, but then my brains like no! Don’t cry, your not allowed to! You have to be strong for everyone else. Blugh. I don’t know anymore I’m sorry for ranting, sorry for posting, sorry for everything.
Pretty much, I don’t want to be here no more, It’s that simple, I know I’ve said this before but it’s a different feeling I have this time. Everything is changing, it’s going to fast.
Dad’s back fighting for his life again which is possibly one of the hardest things to see. I’ve never felt more useless before than when I’m sitting there and he has no clue who I am, I just want to swap places with him. He’s a good man who does not deserve this. His memory in general got worse over the past few weeks, he no longer know’s who I am which is really hard.
He would tend to lash out say things like ‘ Who the fuck are you’ ‘don’t hurt me’ ‘ your no daughter of mine’ ‘ I only have two daughters Valerie and Melissa’ (my sisters). There has been a few times where stuff has been thrown and that, but that’s normal I guess, well possibly not normal to everyone else, but normal to me.
I just like wanna cry, but then my brains like no! Don’t cry, your not allowed to! You have to be strong for everyone else. Blugh. I don’t know anymore I’m sorry for ranting, sorry for posting, sorry for everything.
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Comments
Firstly well done you posting and you are not attention seeking or a pain. We are here for you. We care about you and you can rant away and we dont mind
I am really sorry to hear about your dad, It sounds very difficult for you at the minute.
Do you have any support in place?
Sorry to hear about your dad saying those things to you.. could you speak to any other family members about how all this is making you feel?
You are allowed to cry owly, its a safe realise.. I understand when you say have to be strong for everyone else, but YOU matter too and you deserve the help and support too.
You dont need to say sorry, you have every right like everyone else to use thesite and post threads and talk in chat..
Your not alone. Always here for you owly x
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" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
I'm so sorry to hear about what's happening at the moment. It seems like you have a lot going on and it's completely understandable that you're feeling the way you feel.
You really are just as important as everyone else and so are your feelings. If you want to cry, go ahead and cry, that is perfectly okay. Maybe you could go for a walk or go to a quiet place alone for a little bit to cry? Nobody needs to know, you don't have to show anyone that you're upset if you don't want to. I think it's quite important to have a good cry when you feel you need one, and who knows, it might even help.
You're clearly a very strong person and all of this will make you even stronger.
We really like you here and we're here to listen whenever you want to vent/talk, you don't ever annoy us.
Big hug *hug*
Suzy, you're not a horrible person! You've done some amazing things. Caring for your dad is one if them. You're also one of the first people who'll offer support and shoulder to cry on when anyone needs it, you're the furthest thing from horrible. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time atm, remember I'm always here if you need to talk! Stay strong owl x
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I'm being nice because you really do deserve kindness and love, you deserve to be happy, you just can't see that yet. Which is understandable because you're clearly going through a lot. You're a lovely person and you very clearly care a lot about others. Hang on to that, hang on to the love you have for the people you're closest to, your family, your friends, hang on to the love people have for you. Things can get better if you want it enough. I'll say it again because it's the truth, we care about you here and we want to listen.
How are you feeling today? *hug*
Was working last night after I came back, customer was just horrible.. Grabbed my shirt and give me a good talking to all cause someone sat in her seat. I was fine till she grabbed me shirt.. I asked her to let go she refused, was so scared. Ended up walking out and crying a lil oops.
Reported her to me boss and he said he would speak to her, but I'm really scared to go back tonight. Mehh sorry.
Sorry to hear about that customer - what a horrible thing to do. It's totally understandable to feel upset by something like that. I hope your manager is supportive.
How was it last night?
Umm she was a right horrible person, grabbed me shirt again shoved me into a wall, screamed in my face, told me that I was useless which I already knew, called me all sorts, I tried to get away but she kept her hands on the tops of my arms refusing to let me go. Paul (Me boss) and a another member of staff had to pull the customer off me.. By the time she was off me I'd done a runner... With her doing that it just brought a lot back and I was like freaking out over it. But according to her I was just attention seeking.. Hmm sorry.
It's hit me that I leave collage in 2 weeks and ALL my work has to be in for Wednesday, I'd be telling a lie if I said I was not shitting it... I don't know what to do. Meh sorry
Just feeling like utter shite today I guess, trying to smile and stay positive for everyone else, but can't. Past few nights just resorted to hiding away from everyone. I've not spoke to anyone for 3 day's now... I can't talk, it's like someone has their hand over my mouth and won't let me speak.. I'm just like all muddled up I guess.
Sat praying my dad wakes up, He has to.. I can't lose my dad.. I can't
It must be really hard trying to deal with everything by yourself. We all need some help sometimes, even the strongest of people. Do the staff at college know about your dad? If not, maybe they would be more understanding about how difficult you're finding it to get you're work in. What do you think?
Hope you're okay
I'm sorry for being a twat last night. I'm sorry for being annoying I'm sorry for evening being there. Don't deserve anyone. Hope your ok though
Just as your dad deserves help, so you deserve help too
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Sent from my RM-914_eu_euro1_337 using Tapatalk
Sent from my RM-914_eu_euro1_337 using Tapatalk
It's just I don't know anymore, Everything's just going wrong. As of Monday we have no house, or landlord is throwing us out, mother's not payed the rent from November time, and she never thought to tell us that she's not payed it. We knew nothing of it till the letter came threw the door this weekend. The roof in my bedroom and in the bathroom fell in with the damp and the leaks that's in the house, the house is not fit for people (or owls;)) to live in. So I guess in some way's it's good that we are moving, it's just we have no where to go.
I'm now in block placement for two weeks then I'm finished, that scares me a lot... I don't know why though.
I'm sure I've said before about my talking and like how I struggle to talk.. This was getting better but now it's worse than ever. Like it's effecting my job, like I can't call the bigno no more, cause I just like freeze. It's like someone's got their hand and is like refusing to let me talk, I hate it. I've tried to explain to my boss that I've always had it. He tried to get it, but I guess no one really does.
I just I don't know anymore, I'm trying to be that person that's strong for everyone else, that don't show how upset she is, that never let's things get to her. But it's hard, like I've got to be strong for everyone else and act that everything is ok, even if it's killing me inside. I do try to be the strong person for my few friends and like try to support them cause some of them are going through a rough time, but I've just found that I stop answering them. I don't do it to be horrible it's just I feel like shite and I can't answer them, they just think that I've fallen asleep and I can't correct them I can't I've got to be the strong one and keep everyone going, there's no time for me to show how I'm feeling.
I've made that many promises this weekend to keep safe, I really don't know if I can. No I'm not saying this for attention as people may think. It's just I don't now anymore, everything's like all muddled up in my head, and it don't make scene anymore. My head hurts from over thinking and lack of sleep. I've not had a proper night's sleep in day's. I can't sleep though, I've got to much to do. I've got collage work and I'm trying to stay with dad in hospital most night's too.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry for being a horrible selfish stupid twat of a person, I'm sorry for posting, I'm sorry for being that person that upset's everyone. I'm sorry for even being here. I'm sorry.
It sounds like things are very hard for you at the moment and I am sorry to hear how you are struggling *hug*
Sorry to hear about the way you have to move out although by the sound of things it would be best for you to, have you guys found anywhere to live?
How's your dad? You are doing so well and even though you won't believe it you are a very strong person so there is nothing to be sorry about. You have been so supportive with your dad and still carrying on with day to day life, people don't always see that you are struggling as you are their strength that you kinda get left behind. Is there a friend or someone you trust to talk to? You have to think about yourself as well.
What's the block placement?
purple_rain
Due to further problems I became homeless, now in a shelter, so that;s ok I guess.
I'm shattered, I can't cope, only after getting messages sent to me calling me a slut, whore, fat, telling me to kill meself ect..Why don't I? I can't do this anymore! I can't and no one gets it!
I normally work one day a week in a playgroup as part of my collage course, but cause I'm close to the end of the year they have us all in block weeks, So I'm there for two weeks. Like I love it, I'm just so fucking tried, I'm trying to keep up with my assignments and get them all handed in, but when I'm with the kids I'm just in such a horrible shitty mood, I try so hard not to show it, but today, a member of staff pulled me aside and asked if I was ok... I just stood and cried, I hate crying, I just don't know anymore. I'm sorry
I just feel so flipping alone, I don't even know why.. I'm surrounded by people yet I feel alone. I'm like finding it even harder now to talk to people.. I just can't trust anyone, I've been pushing people away from me in order to protect them from getting hurt. I'm a horrible person who don't deserve anyone. By pushing everyone away they are protected and don't have to put up with the shit that I put them through. I just want to hide from the world... Hide in the hope that no one can find me.. I don't know what's wrong with me tonight.
I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days too... I'm missing my brother and nana lodes the past few days. Times like this I wish I could just go and hug my nana or talk to my brother. I hate not being able to have proper contact with James. I miss him so much, I just want to hear his voice, does that make me mad? I just miss my brother. With my nana, it's almost been a year from she passed.. I should be used to her not being here. But it's always on my mind. I want to like tell her everything that's happened in the past year, she would be so proud of my brother and my little sisters. They have done some amazing things in her memory. I just want to take time back like 2 years. James was still at home and my nana was still here, everything was normal.
Sorry for posting again.. Sorry
I hope getting that all out helped a bit - you're always free to rant here
From what you've said, you seem to be experiencing a lot of conflicting things at the moment:
It's really nice of you to think about other people and to try and protect them. It shows that you're definitely not a horrible person. But it sounds a bit like it's not really helping you. What do you think?
Sometimes, although it seems selfish, it's important to think about ourselves too, and what would help us. Often if we're feeling a bit better, then that's better for everyone. Does that make sense?
Missing James and your nana doesn't make you anything but human
It's natural to miss someone, even long after they're gone. A year isn't that long, so there's no should or shouldn't when it comes to your feelings. They are what they are, and that's okay.
How are you doing this week?
Anyway... Hey James!
First things first, How could you call me a human James! Really me a human?!? Madness
By pushing people away it protects them from me, I'm a horrible person and I don't deserve them, I don't deserve anything. The more people I push away the more people are protected from me. I don't like thinking about myself, I don't deserve people really.
With James (my brother) Like yea I know he's only a phone call away, but that phone call has to be allowed by the people he's working for, there is also a chance that they could be listening to the phone call to.. Which is pretty shitty, He's not allowed home unless something bad happens.. I just miss him, I just want one of his hugs to tell me that it's going to be ok but that's like impossible.
We have also just been dropped with the fact that my younger sisters school is going to be closing in 2017, so when they are in their last year of GCSE's they will be plonked in a new school and a different way of doing exams. How the hell is that fair?!? The school that they are closing is the best school in Northern Ireland, it has that status. Yet they are closing it because it is apparently small. However there is another school in the area and they only have 30 pupils in the full school yet it's still opened? I can't believe it, I'm so worried about their future... No one know's how it's going to work out, not even the staff at the school know.
Mehhh sorry..
Okay everyone loves you, some people may not show it but they is ALOT of people out there who love little owl!!! and always miss them, your just pushing people away from you so that it protects them?! some people find when with you, YOU protect them, your always willing to help people out, gosh i was a bitch to you for like about 6months? and yes you pushed me away but look now?! we talk ALOT and we aint had one fight or arguement, your lovely suzyowl you really are!!! some people just to blind to see that yet
AND jameS!!
always here for you suzyowl
Not everyone loves the owl, the owl don't really have a place here anymore, she don't really fit in. I don't protect people, I don't help people at all.
What happened in the past has happened, it don't matter anymore, let it stay in the past
Now I'm in a stupid amount of pain with my knees once again. I hate this cycle of having a good few day's with them then all of a sudden being in a stupid amount of pain... I hate it, like I can't walk with the pain any time I try I end up falling to the floor cause my knees can't support me, I'm sat in tears over the pain... It's so stupid.
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From what you have said about your report, it sounds like you're doing incredibly well suzy, that's something to be super proud of :yes:
Good on you!
It's my spelling in English that lets me down, given it's not even my first language and I've only been speaking English for two years... I thought i was doing ok.
The stuff she's said got worse from I left 6th form cause i left with half of my aleves and i never followed in ny brothers footsteps... Meh sorry
Just wanted to drop in to let you know that you can always post here and we'll be around and don't apologise for posting. It's what this site and this forum is for.
It's good to have a bit of a vent and a rant especially with everything that you've got going on. Considering English isn't your first language, that's amazingly impressive that you're reaching such a high level as a student. You should be really impressed.
Have you got any nice plans for the weekend?