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Me and arctic agreeing on it, tells you something.
Book time? Am on Facebook if you want a gossip
hugs and kisses. i know that probably isn't enough tonight but my mind is made of mush and i can't think of anything else xxx
hold on sweet. the feeling of having two people inside you is good because it shows that half of you hasn't given up, and that's the half that you have to keep focusing on. even if you can't fight it or feel like you can't move forward yet, that's ok, you can stay where you are for a bit and just be, until you feel stronger. but don't go anywhere just yet. big hugs x
I can assure you after my mishap that it is entirely plausible...
Assuming that you're not going to need to melolin all of both of your arms then it's fine. Like you say, you're supposed to be the welll one - no ones going to be looking for it and no one has any reason to doubt your story for a one off event.
You go running don't you? Did that in the dark, bashed it against something. One off stupid event that ties into something that people know you do, followed up by an comment about it being proof that exercise is bad for you. Problem solved.
It may seem really obvious to you because the wounds are probably fairly fresh but in my experience people don't go looking for signs of self harm. You'll probably get called a 'donut' if you tell them you had an accident and they'll move on. The worst that could happen is you get a sensitive, intuitive person who realises it's from SH, is concerned for you and attempts to find out if you're okay. But people are slow and easily distracted so I think you'll be alright.
I've seen my CPN, told him I want to die, told him I have plans and a note. Deep down I don't want to do it, but I'm slipping down. I've gone from thinking to planning to doing. The gap between where I am now and actually doing it is just shrinking. I don't have anybody to care, anybody to be with me now.
I was hoping for something, anything, to be able to pin my hopes on of feeling better. I don't want to be alive tomorrow, let alone the next day or the weeks after that. But nothing. I asked my CPN if he could see me sooner, but he can't.
I've been honest, I've told people how bad things are, but it just means fuck all. No one thinks I'm serious. I don't want to have to prove them wrong.
Hey yellow, I just wanted to let you know that I do think you're serious and I do really care and worry that you will spend too much time by yourself, without the chance to find a grip from slipping. *hug* I'm guessing you might be feeling like you're in a catch 22? You don't want to leave the situation you're in right now because you're scared of losing your place at uni and everything you've worked hard for, but perhaps you're also in need of having less pressure right now - it's difficult because there's something to be said for keeping busy, but there's also something to be said for putting yourself and your healing first. I might have this wrong though, so as ever - be sure to say exactly what's on your mind.
Some time ago, I mentioned trying out calling Saneline when you're feeling particularly low - is this something you've managed to do at all?
In terms of pinning your hopes on feeling better - we were talking quite far into the future last night and you seemed as if something had lifted your spirits a bit - can you remember what that was?
I don't want to take a year out. I've spent brief periods of time at home on 'breaks' and it's just reinforced my idea that I'd be worse off at home. I can't explain it very well. I want to be pretending everything is ok; doing the things that I should be enjoying - struggling along etc rather than doing nothing. Doing nothing is just not an option. I wouldn't be able to deal with the reality of how bad things are. I honestly feel like doing what I'm doing is giving me the best shot at being ok... If I wasn't still studying I wouldn't have any reason to still be around. At least this way I can pretend that I'm aiming towards a goal. Does that make sense? So many people have mentioned the same as what you have, and I wish I had a better explanation to give people a shot at understanding.
I've not called Saneline yet. I've been calling the out of hours team because they have all the info on me. As for last night, I'm not sure. I think I was sort of relieved because I knew I was having my appointment today and that the waiting was nearly over. But I had pinned too much on that.
You do deserve help, everyone does if they are struggling. You don't have to be the "worst one" out of a bunch of people to ask for the help, in fact it shows strength if you ask before you reach the very, very bottom, it means there is slightly less climbing to do in the hill of recovery.
Is there something specific that makes you think you don't deserve help? *hug*
You feel worse off?
How are you feeling today, have you been able to talk to anyone? *hug*
Today has been better. Had a busy day; an interesting placement with CAMHS. Felt slightly useful and not a massive failure.
The prospect of not getting better really is terrifying. I just feel like if something had been started, or at least if there was something on the horizon to look to then I'd be able to feel more positive. E.g. "If I could just hang on till therapy". But there's nothing. I've tried, and I'm still trying, but the longer I try the more I think that this is just something that I can't overcome. Something that I don't want to overcome because its too damn difficult. And even if I could overcome it, it's too hard now.
It just really hurts when I've been as honest as I can with people, laid out all my flaws and all my thoughts and there's just nothing that can be done. I've spent years trying to fix myself and I'm just more broken. I know I'm apparently coping with 'this', but I really don't know how long that will be for. Because the more time that passes, the more I think that I'll never be well, and what the hell am I doing just wishing the days away hoping something will change?
Meh, sorry for the depressing ramble. Don't feel like you have to read any of it.
And as for speaking to people - I don't see the point. No one I speak to has the ability to take the pain away or to make a difference to how I'm feeling. I've tried being 100% honest and that's not got me anywhere.