Best Of

So I always try to please people and put others first but its taken a big toll on my mental health and and I need to stop neglecting myself just for others to like me. Loads of people arnt gonna like me but I've reached that point where I dont care. People are always gonna hate me and I can't change that and no matter how many times I try to please everyone it isn't going to work or nothing.

I've been lacking self care and hygiene is bad so I'm focusing on me and getting myself to a better place mentally and physically. I've started trying to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and a good amount and it's a long journey for me but im getting there. I'm trying to respect myself and my appearance and shower and not bully myself. I'm also extremely sensitive and because people are gonna hate I am trying to not let it effect me much or anything.

My self care feels more important to me than trying to please others so im focusing on me a lot more and im trying to open up more and its early steps but im trying so hard to treat myself with respect.

1. I cant do anything right.

2. Nothing I do is ever good enough

3. I upset everyone

4. I try do the right thing but it goes wrong every time

5. Im cursed

6. Overly annoying

7. Dont think before doing or saying things

8. I cause people to leave

9. No one ever wants to be my friend, only out of pity

10. Im a waste of time and pathetic.

I am 24, I did a film degree, never attempted to enter the industry. Worked in a care home which was just agonisingly stressful for like the last two years. I recently got a job in a coffee shop after a few failed interviews trying to get into positions with more progression (admin etc).

I just feel like I need to give this back ground as context. I feel and have felt for quite a while like a complete alien. I kind of feel like a stupid toddler, incapable in an adult workplace. I think it sort of stems from the fact that o do have a genetic condition that impaired my eye sight and hearing to a degree. I was also the youngest child. So sure I was a bit over protected. I feel like even as an adult these poor staff are having to treat me like an extremely shy 16 y/Ø who doesn’t know up from down. I feel annoying. I notice that my current manager really has to take a kind of ridiculously motherly sort of role to help me. I had one experience in retail before where they just didn’t have the time of day for me so I guess at least this is slightly more positive than that.

I really desperately want to feel like a confident functioning human who can go about independently in the workplace. I often feel the need to overshare about how I am nervous to do stuff or how I messed something up. I am trying to pass my driving test (that’s a whole other thing). And after that maybe I can put money toward some actual therapy. I just feel like I’ve hit a complete brick wall. I don’t feel I can progress career wise atm. I’m already so embarrassed by how I’ve acted in front of customers with this new job. I seem to struggle with super basic stuff.

Every time I tell myself that things can't get any worse, they fucking get worse. My dad ended up in hospital yesterday from a serious accident at work. And from my mum's reaction and what she said (cause she visited him and I havent cause I'm ill), I am absolutely terrified and devastated. Everything keeps getting worse and worse, I don't know what to do. All of this is making me feel sick and lightheaded.

I made a huge post venting about everything, but I wrote it yesterday at 4am (I didn't sleep btw) and the more and more I reread it, the more I don't want to post it. Its bad, like real bad. I'm not sure what to do, cause posting it feels like the wrong thing, like it feels too personal and like just 'too much' to post on the Internet for everyone to see. Plus I don't see what help it could do beside just being a 'vent' from me. I just don't know what else I can do. I feel totally lost and given up.