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Best Of
I don’t know…
TW// mentions of medical, self harm, suicidal thoughts, college, medical injury
Medical (health)
So as people are aware I recently went to the doctors about some symptoms and found out I am anemic and temporarily infirtile and I was placed on folic acid tablets and iron tablets however i started having a reaction to the folic acid ones - throwing up daily, extremely dizzy, tingling tongue. So I reached out to the doctors and a nurse phoned me and basically said that it can’t be the folic acid because no one reacts to that 🙄 so she ended up saying to stop those tablets for this week and only take the iron ones and Tuesday and Wednesday was a bit rocky probably cos the meds will have still been in my system but now what to my surprise I’m completely fine, just have migraines but I think that’s due to being anemic so that call back from the doctors will be fun!
Medical injury
So some will remember awhile ago when I got a concussion and I found out I had radiculopathy in my spine (a wonky spine at the top) and I was told it would heal and it did and then I started aerial and then a couple of weeks ago I learnt a new move and hurt my neck In the moment and had to stop that move and finish the session and the pain went but my spine is back wonky and it doesn’t hurt or anything so I haven’t mentioned it to doctors because I feel like I’m wasting there time especially with not being in pain but since the head/neck injury from the concussion I’ve been getting sudden sharp/ cold flashes of pain in my neck randomly if I move to fast or at a weird angle.
Medical for self harm
I relapsed a couple of days ago in 2 places, I don’t want to trigger, I showed Janis at college and she has been bandaging them up and today she unbandaged them because they was feeling weird and cleaned them and I’ve noticed something else wrong (not an infection) and scared to book into the doctors tomorrow because it’s humiliating I’ve never had to reach out to professionals for self harm and it’s been 7 years since I first started to self harm…I feel stupid
Suicidal thoughts
I’ve been having passive suicidal thoughts and there not active at least not all the time but I’ve never been close to acting on them at least recently anyway but some days I just want to scream and shout for the pain to go like I can’t fully open up to anyone. I can’t vent when I’m at rock bottom but I’m just so tired…I feel like I have no way out anymore, I have 3 weeks left of support from Emma and then I’ll never see her again 💔 outside of college I have basically nothing other than support every 4-5 weeks which is so long, helplines are honestly the worse and I will never use them ever again, I’ll be long gone before I retry them tbh.
college
Im so scared about transferring colleges, there’s a student day on the 20th and I’m so scared I don’t want to go alone at all. I have my college interviews on Monday too. If I get in I can do art but i don’t know I doubt I will get in due to mental health. I applied for an apprenticeship at my current college and both times my application conveniently kept going “missing” they don’t want me there at all!
Medical (health)
So as people are aware I recently went to the doctors about some symptoms and found out I am anemic and temporarily infirtile and I was placed on folic acid tablets and iron tablets however i started having a reaction to the folic acid ones - throwing up daily, extremely dizzy, tingling tongue. So I reached out to the doctors and a nurse phoned me and basically said that it can’t be the folic acid because no one reacts to that 🙄 so she ended up saying to stop those tablets for this week and only take the iron ones and Tuesday and Wednesday was a bit rocky probably cos the meds will have still been in my system but now what to my surprise I’m completely fine, just have migraines but I think that’s due to being anemic so that call back from the doctors will be fun!
Medical injury
So some will remember awhile ago when I got a concussion and I found out I had radiculopathy in my spine (a wonky spine at the top) and I was told it would heal and it did and then I started aerial and then a couple of weeks ago I learnt a new move and hurt my neck In the moment and had to stop that move and finish the session and the pain went but my spine is back wonky and it doesn’t hurt or anything so I haven’t mentioned it to doctors because I feel like I’m wasting there time especially with not being in pain but since the head/neck injury from the concussion I’ve been getting sudden sharp/ cold flashes of pain in my neck randomly if I move to fast or at a weird angle.
Medical for self harm
I relapsed a couple of days ago in 2 places, I don’t want to trigger, I showed Janis at college and she has been bandaging them up and today she unbandaged them because they was feeling weird and cleaned them and I’ve noticed something else wrong (not an infection) and scared to book into the doctors tomorrow because it’s humiliating I’ve never had to reach out to professionals for self harm and it’s been 7 years since I first started to self harm…I feel stupid
Suicidal thoughts
I’ve been having passive suicidal thoughts and there not active at least not all the time but I’ve never been close to acting on them at least recently anyway but some days I just want to scream and shout for the pain to go like I can’t fully open up to anyone. I can’t vent when I’m at rock bottom but I’m just so tired…I feel like I have no way out anymore, I have 3 weeks left of support from Emma and then I’ll never see her again 💔 outside of college I have basically nothing other than support every 4-5 weeks which is so long, helplines are honestly the worse and I will never use them ever again, I’ll be long gone before I retry them tbh.
college
Im so scared about transferring colleges, there’s a student day on the 20th and I’m so scared I don’t want to go alone at all. I have my college interviews on Monday too. If I get in I can do art but i don’t know I doubt I will get in due to mental health. I applied for an apprenticeship at my current college and both times my application conveniently kept going “missing” they don’t want me there at all!
Rose113
5
a short msg from me <3
. keep going no matter how stuck you feel, no matter how bad things are right now. no matter how many days you’ve spent crying , no matter how hopeless and depressed you feel. no matter how many days you’ve spent wishing things were different. you won’t feel this way forever. its all temporary and part of the process. keep going bc your time isnt up. 
love you all
love you all 
eylah
8
Re: diagnosis (TW)
part 2.5 of the diagnosis series
The nurse goes into her room and begins asking her questions whilst doing an ECG which was strange to say the least. All Sia could do was just answer the nurse's questions. And this certainly wasn't the last time that they were going to do an ECG. Sia just kept the fact that she could be a potential criminal all in her head in order to not make it worse.
Soon enough, the morning would arrive and she wasn't arrested. No police officer, no one who could explain what was going on. This made her even more anxious. Why couldn't they just say it to her face?
Eventually, she was given breakfast but refused to eat because the nurses kept on making remarks about her situation.
"Why can't you eat?" Her dad asks.
"I just don't want to," Sia says, not knowing how to explain why she didn't want to eat. Meanwhile, her dad couldn't hear what was going on with Sia and the fact that the nurses kept on talking about her.
Sia didn't trust the nurses whatsoever. She also thought that they were trying to have a go at her, to find something to ridicule her on. For example, just a few hours earlier Sia smirked at a bin and that caused the nurses to make that comment about going to magistrates' court. For what? She couldn't understand. But she felt like a criminal anyways for not controlling her facial expressions.
After breakfast, Sia lays down on her bed, her veins still pumping with adrenaline. She didn't bring her phone with her so she couldn't update everyone on The Mix what was going on. How could she? Maybe they were after her too. Maybe the information she put down when she signed up could be tracked to the police.
A few ECGs later, people continued to talk about Sia. But it got worse. The IP address that her dad may have provided tracked her to her address, meaning they could find about her search history. Everything she did in the past could be found. Or at least that's what she thought.
"Find out everything about her search history," One nurse says.
Shit. Her search history was full of information that she doesn't want strangers to see, even if they were healthcare professionals.
authors note: im pretty sure this is like illegal but thats what psychosis does to you
Sia tries to come up to the nurses' station to ask what was going on, but as soon as she tried to speak it was like something or someone was holding her back and she goes back to her room, dragging her kaye walker along with her. She felt like it was some higher being, a God of some sort preventing her from speaking. She rummages through her bag and tries to find some fresh clothes despite it only being a day when she arrived to A&E. She goes to the bathroom and gets dressed since there were glass windows and no curtains in her cubicle. The perfect place to see a criminal. So she went to the bathroom and got changed before coming out of there feeling fresh. The bathroom was the only place where she could feel safe without people talking about her.
Sia's dad then asks, "Did you brush your teeth?"
"No, I'm fine thanks," Sia says. Speaking of which, her parents forgot to pack a toothbrush for her. But that was the least of her concerns.
---
It was as if she blinks, and Sia is found in a hospital gown with all of her other clothes taken off. A few days must have passed, and it was as if all of the days molded together so she couldn't quite remember what led her to this place. People were still talking about her and Sia couldn't quite take it anymore. She was on the cold hard floor, her back against the wall with only a pillow supporting it. People were talking about sending her to a secret government facility where her bones would be broken and she would practically be tortured.
authors note: again, this is illegal. this is literally how my psychosis happened.
The same two original mental health professionals from the CAMHS crisis team arrive and come into Sia's cubicle, "Why are you on the floor?" One of them asks.
"Because I don't deserve it," Sia says, looking at both of them in the eye.
"You know you can sit on the bed. It's comfortable," The other mental health professional says,
"I don't want to sit on the bed, I don't deserve it," Sia repeats.
---
Another time in the A&E department, Sia was throwing up into the cardboard sick bowl because everyone found out that she was a despicable criminal. Her friends, her entire family except for her dad and her school. In the background she could hear, "Enjoy your breakfast" By one of her classmates. She was in fact eating breakfast but she couldn't quite stomach it.
She's a criminal.
She's a criminal!
SHE'S A FUCKING CRIMINAL!
That's what she could hear them all say. The nurses, her classmates, her teachers, her family.
authors note: i know this is getting complicated but stick with me on this one
Hell even Sia's mum says that she won't ever be able to visit Russia because of what she had supposedly done. And her mum wasn't even from Russia.
"I can't wait until they get rid of her," One member of the public says whilst in A&E. The public knew what was going on? This was bad. Very bad.
"Girls in there get pregnant quickly," The nurse says, gossiping about Sia, "Soon she'll have loads of kids."
"Especially because of how vulnerable she is," Another adds.
authors note: ok i covered 2/3 of the sneak peeks, gonna write another part to this again
The nurse goes into her room and begins asking her questions whilst doing an ECG which was strange to say the least. All Sia could do was just answer the nurse's questions. And this certainly wasn't the last time that they were going to do an ECG. Sia just kept the fact that she could be a potential criminal all in her head in order to not make it worse.
Soon enough, the morning would arrive and she wasn't arrested. No police officer, no one who could explain what was going on. This made her even more anxious. Why couldn't they just say it to her face?
Eventually, she was given breakfast but refused to eat because the nurses kept on making remarks about her situation.
"Why can't you eat?" Her dad asks.
"I just don't want to," Sia says, not knowing how to explain why she didn't want to eat. Meanwhile, her dad couldn't hear what was going on with Sia and the fact that the nurses kept on talking about her.
Sia didn't trust the nurses whatsoever. She also thought that they were trying to have a go at her, to find something to ridicule her on. For example, just a few hours earlier Sia smirked at a bin and that caused the nurses to make that comment about going to magistrates' court. For what? She couldn't understand. But she felt like a criminal anyways for not controlling her facial expressions.
After breakfast, Sia lays down on her bed, her veins still pumping with adrenaline. She didn't bring her phone with her so she couldn't update everyone on The Mix what was going on. How could she? Maybe they were after her too. Maybe the information she put down when she signed up could be tracked to the police.
A few ECGs later, people continued to talk about Sia. But it got worse. The IP address that her dad may have provided tracked her to her address, meaning they could find about her search history. Everything she did in the past could be found. Or at least that's what she thought.
"Find out everything about her search history," One nurse says.
Shit. Her search history was full of information that she doesn't want strangers to see, even if they were healthcare professionals.
authors note: im pretty sure this is like illegal but thats what psychosis does to you
Sia tries to come up to the nurses' station to ask what was going on, but as soon as she tried to speak it was like something or someone was holding her back and she goes back to her room, dragging her kaye walker along with her. She felt like it was some higher being, a God of some sort preventing her from speaking. She rummages through her bag and tries to find some fresh clothes despite it only being a day when she arrived to A&E. She goes to the bathroom and gets dressed since there were glass windows and no curtains in her cubicle. The perfect place to see a criminal. So she went to the bathroom and got changed before coming out of there feeling fresh. The bathroom was the only place where she could feel safe without people talking about her.
Sia's dad then asks, "Did you brush your teeth?"
"No, I'm fine thanks," Sia says. Speaking of which, her parents forgot to pack a toothbrush for her. But that was the least of her concerns.
---
It was as if she blinks, and Sia is found in a hospital gown with all of her other clothes taken off. A few days must have passed, and it was as if all of the days molded together so she couldn't quite remember what led her to this place. People were still talking about her and Sia couldn't quite take it anymore. She was on the cold hard floor, her back against the wall with only a pillow supporting it. People were talking about sending her to a secret government facility where her bones would be broken and she would practically be tortured.
authors note: again, this is illegal. this is literally how my psychosis happened.
The same two original mental health professionals from the CAMHS crisis team arrive and come into Sia's cubicle, "Why are you on the floor?" One of them asks.
"Because I don't deserve it," Sia says, looking at both of them in the eye.
"You know you can sit on the bed. It's comfortable," The other mental health professional says,
"I don't want to sit on the bed, I don't deserve it," Sia repeats.
---
Another time in the A&E department, Sia was throwing up into the cardboard sick bowl because everyone found out that she was a despicable criminal. Her friends, her entire family except for her dad and her school. In the background she could hear, "Enjoy your breakfast" By one of her classmates. She was in fact eating breakfast but she couldn't quite stomach it.
She's a criminal.
She's a criminal!
SHE'S A FUCKING CRIMINAL!
That's what she could hear them all say. The nurses, her classmates, her teachers, her family.
authors note: i know this is getting complicated but stick with me on this one
Hell even Sia's mum says that she won't ever be able to visit Russia because of what she had supposedly done. And her mum wasn't even from Russia.
"I can't wait until they get rid of her," One member of the public says whilst in A&E. The public knew what was going on? This was bad. Very bad.
"Girls in there get pregnant quickly," The nurse says, gossiping about Sia, "Soon she'll have loads of kids."
"Especially because of how vulnerable she is," Another adds.
authors note: ok i covered 2/3 of the sneak peeks, gonna write another part to this again
(TW suicidal thoughts) I’m not in control of my future
I am terrified that I will become worse in the future.
It sounds dumb but I use astrology/spirituality as a coping mechanism to have something to believe in. I want to believe in a bright future ahead of me. Every information about me is so accurate, but the future. When you get posts like this “it’s Gemini season! Everything you’ve been stressing over is coming to an end! And you’ll finally find a new job, and love and blalala!” It never actually happens.
Every now and then, I’m convinced the universe is sending me signs to kill myself. I feel so hopeless
It sounds dumb but I use astrology/spirituality as a coping mechanism to have something to believe in. I want to believe in a bright future ahead of me. Every information about me is so accurate, but the future. When you get posts like this “it’s Gemini season! Everything you’ve been stressing over is coming to an end! And you’ll finally find a new job, and love and blalala!” It never actually happens.
Every now and then, I’m convinced the universe is sending me signs to kill myself. I feel so hopeless
I’m so scared (TW: sh)
This morning I contacted my doctor because of my self harm, they asked me to send some pictures so I did and then 2 mins later they phoned me to give me an urgent appointment, in my 7 years of self harming I’ve never had to get medical help this is humiliating, I’m walking there now it’s raining and I want to cry
Rose113
5
TW (ED) Relapse
Hey I’m F15 and I’ve spent 2 years relapsing and recovering and pretending and I’m just sick of it. I don’t think people understand how it feels to go through an eating disorder. I can’t talk to anyone irl so I’m just hoping someone will understand me. When I was 12 I got called fat and ugly to my face and I was always seen as the joke. So I starved myself and literally stayed up all night doing workouts and for months . My mum found out when I was 13 because she found hidden food in my drawers then I was put into therapy and got diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia. I got discharged once i gained some weight. But it never went- I would still restrict just not in obvious ways- I’d still workout- I just got better at hiding it ig. But now- now I’m so tired. One of my family members have died and it all started from then, the bingeing and the purging.
I started to stop myself from eating but now I don’t even have that so it’s twice as bad now. I hate it when people say I’m pretty and not fat. I just wonder what the hell im not seeing. I’m just so tired of everything. Of pretending. I’ve had some suicidal thoughts and that’s how I know it’s getting bad. I don’t wanna get out of bed or show my face to anyone. At school my best friend ditched me for a popular group and that made it even worse- like I wasn’t good enough- like I wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough. I’m so lazy I’m not even exercising anymore. I’m just getting fat and out of control.
I started to stop myself from eating but now I don’t even have that so it’s twice as bad now. I hate it when people say I’m pretty and not fat. I just wonder what the hell im not seeing. I’m just so tired of everything. Of pretending. I’ve had some suicidal thoughts and that’s how I know it’s getting bad. I don’t wanna get out of bed or show my face to anyone. At school my best friend ditched me for a popular group and that made it even worse- like I wasn’t good enough- like I wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough. I’m so lazy I’m not even exercising anymore. I’m just getting fat and out of control.
sxmrxn
5