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@Nemuritai , you mentioned having a difficult week too - I wonder what that's looked like. Slowing down and giving yourself that grace sounds really positive. What's your favorite way to rest lately?

Hey @Lottie5433 , how are you doing this morning? It sounds like it might have been a really difficult night. What was happening for you? We're here to listen if you'd feel comfortable sharing.

Lottie5433 wrote: »

I can’t sleep right now, and I’m just crying and feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack. I hate myself for this right now

Hey @Lottie5433, I just wanted to check in. I'm sorry to hear about last night, that sounds really upsetting. How are feeling today? We're here for you

TW suicide
Goooooood morning! I have been actively planning on trying to kill myself around the time in a few months where my mumma's not around the house LOL I can't live with the fact that I keep internally spoling my relations with everyone around me. No matter how metacognitive I get -- trying to convince myself that these thoughts are completely wrong -- they still stay in my emotional tract and eat me up from the inside. Why, for the past few months, have I sporadically assumed every week that my best friend suddenly hates me for no reason? Why does that one side of me constantly try to hate or envy her for her optimism even when I couldn't love her any more than I already do??? I am literally deluded and the onus is totally on me unfortunately. It's all just the fault of my perception; the world around me is so beautiful and she's the nicest friend I've ever had and will probably ever have but I keep like a high maintenance dribbling BPD moron. I can't maintain friendships let alone relationships with anyone I basically live alone in my nasty fucking head every day

Thank you @Ech0 means a lot to hear those words right now. I wish I could feel anything you’ve just said but I can’t everything feels like it’s falling apart

I can’t sleep right now, and I’m just crying and feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack. I hate myself for this right now

ever since I was on anti depressants for 2 days then stopped after potential serotonin syndrome I feel like I’ve lost myself. I can’t laugh or cry or feel anything emotionally. I’ve been off them for a month, was on them for 2 days and don’t feel human. I’ve lost all empathy. Ok I’m not crying anymore but I can’t experience any form of pleasure, or laughter. And I’m OFF the medication. Not to mention I’ve seen no improvement in bladder sensation or other side effects which concerned me. Psychiatrist said it wasn’t possible. I need to feel sad again, I tried but I can’t, no amount of pain can hurt me. I need to feel pleasure and happiness again or sadness. It’s been a whole month. I want my depression back. This emotional flattening is ruining my life, suddenly eating and getting out of bed is even more of a challenge than before the medication because I can’t feel anything at all. Worst of all the world around me feels like a dream and it’s intensified by walking which is something that used to give me a bit of peace, no one seems real when I speak to them, like I’m speaking to a robot, the trees, beach, everything feels like a dream, all floaty and foggy. I don’t get worried. I don’t feel human. I don’t recognise myself in the mirror, I feel like a stranger to myself, it’s terrifying yet I can’t feel the anxiety, it’s just like I’m mentally worried but physically it can’tshow. Psychiatrist said it’s just a manifestation I’ve made in my head. I can’t explain this feeling to you, it’s disturbing and unsettling. I’m scared I won’t be normal again, I’m scared I’m forever gone because of the anti depressant. I’m seeing CRHT as this just sent me through the wall, but now it’s if you don’t improve we will send you to hospital but, no matter what I do, my brain chemicals don’t fire at all anymore. I can’t feel peace, curiosity, boredom, I’m just dead inside. The only improvement is that I’m no longer shouting or repeating words over and over again to my parents just to see if they will feel real again. They don’t, they feel distant and lifeless and so do I and everything around me. I’ve experienced a little bit of this before under stress but nothing this severe or long lasting. I go to familiar places and they feel unfamiliar, yet I’ve been there 100s of times. I’m scared, really scared. I asked over and over for help and now it feels too late. I don’t want it anymore, I don’t want anything other than for this to stop. If life can’t feel real, if people I love and care about don’t feel real, if I can’t feel real, why should I continue? I just want to curl up on the floor and let the world swallow me up. I wish I could disappear without leaving a trace, just disappear like I never existed, so everyone just forgets about me. Why can’t I just be normal, stop the meds after the small dose and be fine, instead I’ve got this mess. I was told it can’t be withdrawal because I was on it for 2 days and low dose. So whatever it is it is probably permanent and I can’t be asked to wait and see if it goes, it’s already been a month. I’ve ruined my life, it’s my fault. All I wanted to be was to feel normal and now I’m even further from that than ever, and no one believes what I’m going through now, just because it was 2 days on a low dose :< I’m scared. Idk how I could manifest this in my head, I’m literally experiencing it regardless if it’s a manifestation or not. I feel as though I’m gone forever, I no longer recognise my reflection, and nothing including myself feels real. I’m genuinely scared, idk what to do does this go away??? No one believes me. Will this go away???? I need my emotions back I will feel more real then I hope. What do I do can someone help me please what do I do I need to feel real I tried cold water and stuff I can’t feel real I can’t feel anything I’m desperate. I need my emotions back and if the professionals can’t explain what’s going on I don’t want to go through it anymore. I’m scared this has ruined my life. Sorry this is so long, it just feels like I'm going through something that's medically unexplained and unusual with the AD

@Ech0 thank you so much, hearing that means a lot right now and it really helps. I appreciate you and the effort you put into replying to and supporting people here, and I hope you remember that we're here for you also if you ever need anyone to listen

@Nemuritai It like you’re going through an incredibly heavy and exhausting time and trying to hold all of these feelings without feeling heard at home must be unbelievably lonely. I can only imagine how heavy and exhausting it must feel to carry all of this on your own, especially when it seems like the people closest to you don’t fully hear or understand how much you’re struggling. Your pain being brushed off with “you’ll be better tomorrow,” can make everything feel so much harder, because it leaves you feeling invisible when what you truly need is care, patience, and understanding.
Those waves of sadness you describe can be so disorienting, especially when they come back just when you think things might be settling. You may not feel strong, but what you’re doing by getting through each day and reaching out for support takes so much resilience. It also makes perfect sense that thinking about the future feels frightening which I relate to but it is okay to not have everything figured out right now. The future is something you can approach one small step at a time and it’s okay to focus on just getting through today or this week because even small steps are meaningful and impactful. You are not alone in imagining a future where things feel safer, calmer, and kinder. I believe that future is possible and you deserve to reach it at your own pace.

I hope you can hold onto the fact that your feelings matter very much and you deserve to be met with care and compassion. You don’t have to carry this by yourself and you can lean on this community whenever you like.

hi thank you al for the support, sorry for the late reply a lot has been happening. After some advocacy from CRHT, CMHT acknowledged that there are now neurological problems from the medication but i have to wait until Jan 26th to see a Medic/psychiatrist again. Struggling so much it feels like it won’t change. Thank you all for the support I appreciate it a lot. I am safe.