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Lesbian Strugglessss
I recently developed a crush on one of my female classmates. I don't think I can just 'act normal' around her but I don't want to tell people (even her) that I'm a lesbian yet.
What should I do?
What should I do?
(TW self harm and Suicide) Being openly vulnerable was a fucking mistake
I want to clarify that I don’t believe I am 100% innocent in this situation. I don’t consider myself a morally good person because I let my emotions get in the way and make stupid decisions. I’m sure I’ve vented about this topic so many times on this website.
But for context, I grew up ugly and was teased a lot for it. The most common tactic I received was boys PRETENDING to be attracted to me or asking me out as a joke. I’m still ugly, and I still receive this sort of treatment in adulthood from coworkers or strangers. Obviously, having to deal with it a lot has convinced me that I’ll never find love because I’m too ugly, and that anyone who was to ask me out is lying and trying to humiliate me in front of their friends.
Having to deal with this mindset on a daily basis has led to me harming myself and making suicide plans/attempts in the past.
Eventually, this immense hopelessness leads to anger and I would vent a lot to my coworkers about how much I hated those who have bullied me like this at work. There was an old bully who I’ve heard is leaving work and I said I could cry from happiness because he was a prick to me in the past. This is where I was 100% in the wrong. Instead of letting go of the bullying incidents, I would vent a lot to my coworkers about how much I hated him. I told people:
•I wanted to end my life because of him
•I’ve relapsed and harmed myself because of him
•I’ve been to therapy because of him
•I would wear a mask in public because of the bullying
My bully sent a message asking why I called him a prick and said I’d cry from happiness. I saw his message two hours late and spent hours writing my long response. He got impatient and said “no answer because I haven’t done anything. Just as I thought".
I immediately responded by saying I’m still writing my answer because “I've got a lot I wanted to discuss”. Overall, my response included 15 paragraphs.
The first paragraph includes me taking full responsibility and acknowledging my actions were wrong.
The second paragraph includes me saying there’s nothing he should do, and it’s my responsibility to fix the issue.
The third paragraph includes me stating that my explanation for why I hate him shouldn’t be used as a justification for my decisions.
The fourth to ninth paragraph is an explanation for how he would humiliate me by pretending to be attracted to me in order to make his friends laugh. I also try to defend him and saying his actions were “playful banter” and I took it too personally. In addition, I explained how I’ve been treated this way a lot, which ruined my self esteem and made me deal with self harm and suicidal ideation.
During the tenth paragraph, I explain how I shouldn’t blame others for my mental health issues and that it’s my responsibility.
During the eleventh paragraph, I said I don’t expect an apology because of how I’ve treated him. I’ve said that my insecurities and hypersensitivity isn’t an excuse.
For the twelfth paragraph, I’ve acknowledged what I say isn’t gonna undo my actions, but I offered an apology and stated how it’s time I “get my shit together” and learn how to cope in a healthy manner.
During the thirteenth paragraph, I told him that my negative comments doesn’t reflect poorly on him, but on me. I’ve brought up the fact that everyone loves him for his humor and that others have said they’ll miss him when he leaves.
The fourteenth paragraph is an apology for the delayed response and said I hope my response offers some closure, even if there’s a few flaws.
Lastly, I end the fifteenth paragraph by apologising for ending things on a bad note. Then I told him that I hope he enjoys his last shifts with the rest of the team. I’ve stated “Don’t let my selfish actions distract you from the fact that there is a massive group of people who you’ve left a positive impact on with your humorous personality, and will miss you alot when you leave.”
Then I recieved a short response, ignoring everything else I’ve stated: “So you hated me because I said to my mates I was attracted to you supposedly?”
Then he accused me of telling others that I dated him in high school. In response, I claimed it was false because “we didn’t even go to the same school” and told him that someone either misinterpreted what I said or is purposely lying. I kept asking him who told him that rumour, saying “I can talk to them and confirm it’s false”, but he kept dodging the question. He then asked me for examples, which I provided three incidents.
He asked for further details on the first and third incident, completely forgetting the second example. Only for him to get pissed when I don’t explain the second incident by saying “And the second incident is irrelevant because that was your imagination”. 😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫
After giving further details on the second incident, he said that what he did wasn’t “remotely bad. They all sound like I was trying to be nice” - Yeah, continuously trying to embarrass the new girl by pretending to like her whilst BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, just to make me the butt of the joke in front of her coworkers, leading to me struggling mentally is totally nice.
He ended the conversation by saying “I think you need to find some help. Like therapy or something”. I can’t tell if he means it out of concern or as another insult. Either way, he’s not wrong.
Overall, I was too fucking nice to him. I thought he was innocent, but my suspicions are right. Now he can use my mental health issues as a weapon against me to convince others I’m crazy.
🙃
But for context, I grew up ugly and was teased a lot for it. The most common tactic I received was boys PRETENDING to be attracted to me or asking me out as a joke. I’m still ugly, and I still receive this sort of treatment in adulthood from coworkers or strangers. Obviously, having to deal with it a lot has convinced me that I’ll never find love because I’m too ugly, and that anyone who was to ask me out is lying and trying to humiliate me in front of their friends.
Having to deal with this mindset on a daily basis has led to me harming myself and making suicide plans/attempts in the past.
Eventually, this immense hopelessness leads to anger and I would vent a lot to my coworkers about how much I hated those who have bullied me like this at work. There was an old bully who I’ve heard is leaving work and I said I could cry from happiness because he was a prick to me in the past. This is where I was 100% in the wrong. Instead of letting go of the bullying incidents, I would vent a lot to my coworkers about how much I hated him. I told people:
•I wanted to end my life because of him
•I’ve relapsed and harmed myself because of him
•I’ve been to therapy because of him
•I would wear a mask in public because of the bullying
My bully sent a message asking why I called him a prick and said I’d cry from happiness. I saw his message two hours late and spent hours writing my long response. He got impatient and said “no answer because I haven’t done anything. Just as I thought".
I immediately responded by saying I’m still writing my answer because “I've got a lot I wanted to discuss”. Overall, my response included 15 paragraphs.
The first paragraph includes me taking full responsibility and acknowledging my actions were wrong.
The second paragraph includes me saying there’s nothing he should do, and it’s my responsibility to fix the issue.
The third paragraph includes me stating that my explanation for why I hate him shouldn’t be used as a justification for my decisions.
The fourth to ninth paragraph is an explanation for how he would humiliate me by pretending to be attracted to me in order to make his friends laugh. I also try to defend him and saying his actions were “playful banter” and I took it too personally. In addition, I explained how I’ve been treated this way a lot, which ruined my self esteem and made me deal with self harm and suicidal ideation.
During the tenth paragraph, I explain how I shouldn’t blame others for my mental health issues and that it’s my responsibility.
During the eleventh paragraph, I said I don’t expect an apology because of how I’ve treated him. I’ve said that my insecurities and hypersensitivity isn’t an excuse.
For the twelfth paragraph, I’ve acknowledged what I say isn’t gonna undo my actions, but I offered an apology and stated how it’s time I “get my shit together” and learn how to cope in a healthy manner.
During the thirteenth paragraph, I told him that my negative comments doesn’t reflect poorly on him, but on me. I’ve brought up the fact that everyone loves him for his humor and that others have said they’ll miss him when he leaves.
The fourteenth paragraph is an apology for the delayed response and said I hope my response offers some closure, even if there’s a few flaws.
Lastly, I end the fifteenth paragraph by apologising for ending things on a bad note. Then I told him that I hope he enjoys his last shifts with the rest of the team. I’ve stated “Don’t let my selfish actions distract you from the fact that there is a massive group of people who you’ve left a positive impact on with your humorous personality, and will miss you alot when you leave.”
Then I recieved a short response, ignoring everything else I’ve stated: “So you hated me because I said to my mates I was attracted to you supposedly?”
Then he accused me of telling others that I dated him in high school. In response, I claimed it was false because “we didn’t even go to the same school” and told him that someone either misinterpreted what I said or is purposely lying. I kept asking him who told him that rumour, saying “I can talk to them and confirm it’s false”, but he kept dodging the question. He then asked me for examples, which I provided three incidents.
He asked for further details on the first and third incident, completely forgetting the second example. Only for him to get pissed when I don’t explain the second incident by saying “And the second incident is irrelevant because that was your imagination”. 😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫
After giving further details on the second incident, he said that what he did wasn’t “remotely bad. They all sound like I was trying to be nice” - Yeah, continuously trying to embarrass the new girl by pretending to like her whilst BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, just to make me the butt of the joke in front of her coworkers, leading to me struggling mentally is totally nice.
He ended the conversation by saying “I think you need to find some help. Like therapy or something”. I can’t tell if he means it out of concern or as another insult. Either way, he’s not wrong.
Overall, I was too fucking nice to him. I thought he was innocent, but my suspicions are right. Now he can use my mental health issues as a weapon against me to convince others I’m crazy.
🙃
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ella
2
Re: appointment
thank use both so much @Rose113 @TheNightmare i appreciate use taking the time to read & reply🩷
Occupational Therapy
I'm scared about starting occupational therapy. Does anyone know what I should expect?
Re: having a rly hard day 💔
thankyou guys @TheNightmare @AnonymousToe if i hear anything I’ll update but im feeling better from telling her bc its off my shoulders now so im hoping i get listened to. 
eylah
2
Re: having a rly hard day 💔
bignosegirly0 wrote: »Hey, I’m genuinely sorry that you’ve been having a tough time mentally.
It doesn’t matter whether there are people who are suffering more or less than you. If you’re suffering and struggling to cope, then you need support. A broken arm isn’t less important than bleeding wound. All mental issues deserves treatment, no matter how big or small.
Also, don’t apologise for this post. You’re not being “worthless”. The whole point of this website is for those who are struggling to cope to reach out for the support they desperately need. It’s obvious that you’re crying out for help, and there’s no shame in that. You deserve to be heard and offered support.
I know nothing about what you’re going through right now. But judging by how you blame yourself for expressing your struggles, I could imagine that this mindset didn’t come from nowhere. I’m worried that you’ve dealt with too many unempathetic and uneducated people who felt the need to bring you down when you desperately expressed the need for help. And if that’s the case, I want you to know that you did not deserve to be treated the way you did. It doesn’t mean that you’ve done anything wrong, it just reflects how unempathetic and unloving they are.
I know it’s easier said than done, but please don’t be harsh on yourself. You’ve already been mistreated enough, so please don’t become your own bully.
I hope you take care of yourself. I understand you’re in a really dark place right now. But no matter how you cope, you will survive it, just like how you’ve survived previous dark moments.
I wish you the best and I hope you heal 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶
thankyou so much it rly means a lot to me for you replying to me. your wording is beautiful btw i rly appreciate everything.
eylah
2