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(TW self harm and Suicide) Being openly vulnerable was a fucking mistake
bignosegirly0
Posts: 137 The Mix Convert
I want to clarify that I don’t believe I am 100% innocent in this situation. I don’t consider myself a morally good person because I let my emotions get in the way and make stupid decisions. I’m sure I’ve vented about this topic so many times on this website.
But for context, I grew up ugly and was teased a lot for it. The most common tactic I received was boys PRETENDING to be attracted to me or asking me out as a joke. I’m still ugly, and I still receive this sort of treatment in adulthood from coworkers or strangers. Obviously, having to deal with it a lot has convinced me that I’ll never find love because I’m too ugly, and that anyone who was to ask me out is lying and trying to humiliate me in front of their friends.
Having to deal with this mindset on a daily basis has led to me harming myself and making suicide plans/attempts in the past.
Eventually, this immense hopelessness leads to anger and I would vent a lot to my coworkers about how much I hated those who have bullied me like this at work. There was an old bully who I’ve heard is leaving work and I said I could cry from happiness because he was a prick to me in the past. This is where I was 100% in the wrong. Instead of letting go of the bullying incidents, I would vent a lot to my coworkers about how much I hated him. I told people:
•I wanted to end my life because of him
•I’ve relapsed and harmed myself because of him
•I’ve been to therapy because of him
•I would wear a mask in public because of the bullying
My bully sent a message asking why I called him a prick and said I’d cry from happiness. I saw his message two hours late and spent hours writing my long response. He got impatient and said “no answer because I haven’t done anything. Just as I thought".
I immediately responded by saying I’m still writing my answer because “I've got a lot I wanted to discuss”. Overall, my response included 15 paragraphs.
The first paragraph includes me taking full responsibility and acknowledging my actions were wrong.
The second paragraph includes me saying there’s nothing he should do, and it’s my responsibility to fix the issue.
The third paragraph includes me stating that my explanation for why I hate him shouldn’t be used as a justification for my decisions.
The fourth to ninth paragraph is an explanation for how he would humiliate me by pretending to be attracted to me in order to make his friends laugh. I also try to defend him and saying his actions were “playful banter” and I took it too personally. In addition, I explained how I’ve been treated this way a lot, which ruined my self esteem and made me deal with self harm and suicidal ideation.
During the tenth paragraph, I explain how I shouldn’t blame others for my mental health issues and that it’s my responsibility.
During the eleventh paragraph, I said I don’t expect an apology because of how I’ve treated him. I’ve said that my insecurities and hypersensitivity isn’t an excuse.
For the twelfth paragraph, I’ve acknowledged what I say isn’t gonna undo my actions, but I offered an apology and stated how it’s time I “get my shit together” and learn how to cope in a healthy manner.
During the thirteenth paragraph, I told him that my negative comments doesn’t reflect poorly on him, but on me. I’ve brought up the fact that everyone loves him for his humor and that others have said they’ll miss him when he leaves.
The fourteenth paragraph is an apology for the delayed response and said I hope my response offers some closure, even if there’s a few flaws.
Lastly, I end the fifteenth paragraph by apologising for ending things on a bad note. Then I told him that I hope he enjoys his last shifts with the rest of the team. I’ve stated “Don’t let my selfish actions distract you from the fact that there is a massive group of people who you’ve left a positive impact on with your humorous personality, and will miss you alot when you leave.”
Then I recieved a short response, ignoring everything else I’ve stated: “So you hated me because I said to my mates I was attracted to you supposedly?”
Then he accused me of telling others that I dated him in high school. In response, I claimed it was false because “we didn’t even go to the same school” and told him that someone either misinterpreted what I said or is purposely lying. I kept asking him who told him that rumour, saying “I can talk to them and confirm it’s false”, but he kept dodging the question. He then asked me for examples, which I provided three incidents.
He asked for further details on the first and third incident, completely forgetting the second example. Only for him to get pissed when I don’t explain the second incident by saying “And the second incident is irrelevant because that was your imagination”. 😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫
After giving further details on the second incident, he said that what he did wasn’t “remotely bad. They all sound like I was trying to be nice” - Yeah, continuously trying to embarrass the new girl by pretending to like her whilst BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, just to make me the butt of the joke in front of her coworkers, leading to me struggling mentally is totally nice.
He ended the conversation by saying “I think you need to find some help. Like therapy or something”. I can’t tell if he means it out of concern or as another insult. Either way, he’s not wrong.
Overall, I was too fucking nice to him. I thought he was innocent, but my suspicions are right. Now he can use my mental health issues as a weapon against me to convince others I’m crazy.
🙃
But for context, I grew up ugly and was teased a lot for it. The most common tactic I received was boys PRETENDING to be attracted to me or asking me out as a joke. I’m still ugly, and I still receive this sort of treatment in adulthood from coworkers or strangers. Obviously, having to deal with it a lot has convinced me that I’ll never find love because I’m too ugly, and that anyone who was to ask me out is lying and trying to humiliate me in front of their friends.
Having to deal with this mindset on a daily basis has led to me harming myself and making suicide plans/attempts in the past.
Eventually, this immense hopelessness leads to anger and I would vent a lot to my coworkers about how much I hated those who have bullied me like this at work. There was an old bully who I’ve heard is leaving work and I said I could cry from happiness because he was a prick to me in the past. This is where I was 100% in the wrong. Instead of letting go of the bullying incidents, I would vent a lot to my coworkers about how much I hated him. I told people:
•I wanted to end my life because of him
•I’ve relapsed and harmed myself because of him
•I’ve been to therapy because of him
•I would wear a mask in public because of the bullying
My bully sent a message asking why I called him a prick and said I’d cry from happiness. I saw his message two hours late and spent hours writing my long response. He got impatient and said “no answer because I haven’t done anything. Just as I thought".
I immediately responded by saying I’m still writing my answer because “I've got a lot I wanted to discuss”. Overall, my response included 15 paragraphs.
The first paragraph includes me taking full responsibility and acknowledging my actions were wrong.
The second paragraph includes me saying there’s nothing he should do, and it’s my responsibility to fix the issue.
The third paragraph includes me stating that my explanation for why I hate him shouldn’t be used as a justification for my decisions.
The fourth to ninth paragraph is an explanation for how he would humiliate me by pretending to be attracted to me in order to make his friends laugh. I also try to defend him and saying his actions were “playful banter” and I took it too personally. In addition, I explained how I’ve been treated this way a lot, which ruined my self esteem and made me deal with self harm and suicidal ideation.
During the tenth paragraph, I explain how I shouldn’t blame others for my mental health issues and that it’s my responsibility.
During the eleventh paragraph, I said I don’t expect an apology because of how I’ve treated him. I’ve said that my insecurities and hypersensitivity isn’t an excuse.
For the twelfth paragraph, I’ve acknowledged what I say isn’t gonna undo my actions, but I offered an apology and stated how it’s time I “get my shit together” and learn how to cope in a healthy manner.
During the thirteenth paragraph, I told him that my negative comments doesn’t reflect poorly on him, but on me. I’ve brought up the fact that everyone loves him for his humor and that others have said they’ll miss him when he leaves.
The fourteenth paragraph is an apology for the delayed response and said I hope my response offers some closure, even if there’s a few flaws.
Lastly, I end the fifteenth paragraph by apologising for ending things on a bad note. Then I told him that I hope he enjoys his last shifts with the rest of the team. I’ve stated “Don’t let my selfish actions distract you from the fact that there is a massive group of people who you’ve left a positive impact on with your humorous personality, and will miss you alot when you leave.”
Then I recieved a short response, ignoring everything else I’ve stated: “So you hated me because I said to my mates I was attracted to you supposedly?”
Then he accused me of telling others that I dated him in high school. In response, I claimed it was false because “we didn’t even go to the same school” and told him that someone either misinterpreted what I said or is purposely lying. I kept asking him who told him that rumour, saying “I can talk to them and confirm it’s false”, but he kept dodging the question. He then asked me for examples, which I provided three incidents.
He asked for further details on the first and third incident, completely forgetting the second example. Only for him to get pissed when I don’t explain the second incident by saying “And the second incident is irrelevant because that was your imagination”. 😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫
After giving further details on the second incident, he said that what he did wasn’t “remotely bad. They all sound like I was trying to be nice” - Yeah, continuously trying to embarrass the new girl by pretending to like her whilst BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, just to make me the butt of the joke in front of her coworkers, leading to me struggling mentally is totally nice.
He ended the conversation by saying “I think you need to find some help. Like therapy or something”. I can’t tell if he means it out of concern or as another insult. Either way, he’s not wrong.
Overall, I was too fucking nice to him. I thought he was innocent, but my suspicions are right. Now he can use my mental health issues as a weapon against me to convince others I’m crazy.
🙃
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Comments
I know you've mentioned that this person's treatment led you to hurt yourself and end your life, which in itself shows how serious this was, and highlights how he doesn't seem to have realised the impact of his actions. Can I check that you're feeling safe at the moment? I'll include some support links below in case you decide you need some support - I can hear how this experience might be challenging to deal with. We're here to support you through this
I didn’t expect him to accept my apology, neither did I expect him to apologise to me. But I wish he would have atleast responded to everything else I said instead of one paragraph. He completely ignored everything else.
Although I genuinely wanted to learn from my mistakes by taking all the blame, a part of me regrets it. I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he never intended to hurt me in the first place, and I was just projecting based on previous experiences. The reason why I refused to let it go and hold a grudge was out of protection. I assumed he hasn’t changed and he treats others similarly to how he’s treated me. Now I know my suspicions are right based on his short, blunt and snarky comments. He 100% intended to hurt me back then, and he 100% intends to hurt me now.
I also wanna make a quick correction, sorry for my poor wording. Although he caused me to relapse a few times, he didn’t push me into making an attempt, he only made me wish I could die.
I am currently safe at the moment. I haven’t hurt myself or made plans to end my life. But I haven’t been feeling fantastic either for the past five days. Although I’m sort of coping better, I’ve been dreading to go back to work (which I do on Wednesday). I’ve been endlessly feeling shaking, sick, anxious or angry. But I know it will pass eventually.
pfp made by me