Best Of

I do this too, you're allowed to vent about as much as you want so don't feel like you need to stop complaining

Thank you @Ech0 I always appreciate you, I'm sure everyone else does, replying to everyone ❤️

Hard wake up today a con is I could catch up with sleep when I get into being how short the hours are

Right now thinking about bad memories from a few months ago all involving family. I need to stop complaining and go to sleep.

Hello everyone, this is my first post here so please forgive me if there’s anything wrong with the post :)

Im a third year university student with severe OCD, depression and anxiety. I am severely struggling and am overwhelmed with the course and my mental health. I am so burnt out to the point where I can’t leave my bed for days on end and I can’t get any work done. 

I hate my projects and am so behind/ stuck on all my work since my course tutors are horrible and keep telling me to change my projects last minute, even though they know my situation and that I’m incapable of the workload they give. They have no compassion towards what I’m struggling with, which is understandable since I know everybody has their own problems and things to deal with.

But I now have no motivation anymore. Pausing my studies is absolutely not an option for me since I’m so close to finishing in June and graduating in July and it would be a waste of money and time. I’m physically counting down the days until uni ends but it feels endless.

In my second year, I was the complete opposite to how I am now, I had straight As, a top student, great mental health and was overall incredibly happy. I usually try to have a positive outlook on things but now it’s completely gone. I now keep comparing myself to others and myself last year which is making me feel so disappointed and hopeless.

I can feel myself falling back into the same mental place as when I was a few years ago when I was self harming, suicidal, severely depressed and had an eating disorder. My OCD is becoming incredibly unbearable due to ruminating and constant overthinking.

I have no friends at uni or back at home due to bullying, I’m completely alone here and go days without physically speaking to someone. I’m almost 4 hours away from home and I do call my mum everyday since she’s the only one who understands, but this makes me feel like such a burden since my family is going through some really tough times. I really want to go home but can’t due to my course being very practical and ‘in person oriented’.

I’ve spoken to my GP and they prescribed light medication but it isn’t really helping. I’m currently on the waitlist for CBT but it will take months. I also speak to the unis mental health service but there’s not much they can do since they also have a long waitlist. I call samaritans and text shout everyday since being alone with my thoughts for too long is genuinely terrifying. 

But I feel no progress, i’m completely hopeless, i can’t eat or sleep properly anymore due to panicking about the workload. I’m so afraid of my thoughts and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m now starting to get afraid of myself.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I just wanted to vent since I’ve been keeping it in my head for months and I can feel I’m reaching breaking point. :(

I went for a drink with some people as chat wasn't on but had to come back as I have to be up really early tomorrow, thats where my routine has to be changed which is a downside.

I went to my appointment with “N” today despite not wanting to go. She noticed my SH - well the bandage. She asked me when I did it and also just asked about what caused it. I didn’t like talking about any of it but “N” understood why and asked if it’s a fear people will leave etc and if it brings up and uncomfortable feeling inside. To be honest it’s like the first time someone has understood why I hate talking about anything and again she didn’t force me to open up she just created the space for me to talk if I wanted to.
I didn’t tell N about the suicidal feelings I’ve had the last couple of days because I don’t want to worry anyone with it all but also she more likely going to want to discuss all that and I don’t want to talk about those thoughts. Because I just get told “you shouldn’t be feeling this way”, “what do you have that is so bad you don’t want to be hear”, “think about your family and how they’d feel” I just don’t want that. Part of me knows N won’t say that because it’s part of her job to ensure I’m safe and to explore the feelings and what’s causing them but last time I told my therapist I was suicidal they didn’t care, didn’t even care I had an ambulance come and welfare check me, so I just fear that’s going to be the response.
well I’ve agreed to continue with the actual DBT therapy now with N and we are going to start that next week. I told her how when I’m away for a work conference in 2weeks that I’ll just be sat in a hotel room because work have said I can only attend one conference day instead of all 3. [spoiler]because it’s not my job role and doesn’t relate to it(I’m just a pool supervisor not a retail manager), but it’s the fact that last year it basically was my job because everyone left and I pick up most of it and this conference is for awards based on last year and new stuff being brought in this year. So it just makes me feel like I’m not appreciated or valued because I know if the place I work for gets and award it will be my partners name on it (he’s the new retail manager for work), like I’ll be pleased he gets one but again a lot of it I did and just shows how shit the company can be to work for. [\spoiler]. So N said she would do a virtual session then as I’ll be alone.

I’ve also had a relapse with my eating disorder, I keep purging everything I eat because I don’t feel I deserve food and everything is just making me feel rubbish and sick so why eat I don’t need it.

I’ve stopped taking all my medication and have started stockpiling a lot of it as I get my meds weekly right now as to limit me stockpiling (CEDT contacted the GP about doing this) like I know my meds help and I should be taking at least 1 of them as it’s for a deficiency but again what’s the point in that it’s not like the gp has checked anything since saying I was deficient so clearly doesn’t mean a lot of if I take it or not.

I just want all this to go away.
I want to be normal and not have this stupid messed up head

I’m a burden and a screw up

@Lottie5433 The situation with the crisis plan sounds very difficult . Not being given the example you were expecting and then feeling like you have to figure everything out on your own, would be really unsettling for anyone. And I agree that what works in one moment doesn’t always work the next, so it’s absolutely understandable to question how helpful it even feels right now.

Missing last week’s session and then feeling your thoughts spiral doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be there. You are not wasting anyone’s time , you didn’t take anything away from anyone else and you haven’t done anything wrong. You’re allowed to change your mind, to struggle, to hesitate and to take things one step at a time. You deserve help, patience, and understanding exactly as you are and you don’t have to be a certain way to be worthy of support because you already are.

I can also really hear how scary it is to be asked to think about worst-case scenarios. That’s not an easy thing to sit with, and it makes sense that it would add to the anxiety rather than reduce it. On top of all that, the work situation sounds so overwhelming. Having to choose between your wellbeing, your job, and time with your partner is not fair at all and is a horrible position to be put in, and it makes complete sense that it makes you want to pull away from everything.

Whether or not you decide to share all of this with “N”, your feelings are completely valid. Your hesitancy makes sense given your past experiences, and it’s more than okay to protect yourself and to not have all the answers right now . You don’t owe anyone honesty at the expense of your own sense of safety. And there is no need to apologise at all and nothing of you said was pointless. I’m really glad you shared it, and it takes a lot of courage to do so. You matter and your wellbeing matters.