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I just give up
✨ 𝒯ℋℐ𝒮 ℐ𝒮 ℳℰ ✨
I've just been getting some Japanese reading practice in - I'm currently reading a novel called 'so I'm a spider, so what?' (I think that's the title in English) and it's been a really entertaining read <3
@River It must be so frustrating that the doctors aren't getting you the right support when you need it. As Verity said, we're here if you need us or if you just want to vent about it.
Hello, we are glad you’re here and it seems like things have been heavy. There’s no pressure to say anything at all, but if you feel like sharing what’s been on your mind, we’re all here to listen and support you. You’re not alone.
That sounds very scary and overwhelming and it makes complete sense that you’re feeling anxious about it. Having to talk about crisis plans especially knowing it’ll be written down and seen by other people can feel really exposing and out of your control.
I hear you when you say it feels useless too. If you’ve not been sure what actually works for you in a crisis, being asked to pin something down on paper can feel frustrating, pointless and invalidating. Crises are unpredictable and what helps can change depending on the context or the situation.
Especially after missing last week, I can imagine attending the appointment now now may feel like there’s more pressure attached to it, which just makes the idea of going even harder. Wanting to skip it feels completely understandable.
At the same time, going doesn’t mean you have to feel okay about any of this or have the “right” words ready. You’re allowed to show up exactly as you are, whether that is feeling anxious, unsure or frustrated about the crisis plan, and that would still be completely valid. It is more than okay to not feel ready to make one yet, that you’re not sure what actually helps, or that the idea of it being written down feels unsettling.Being able to articulate those concerns is, in itself, a meaningful part of the process even if your concerns are not resolved yet.
Whatever you decide, we are proud of you. The option you choose doesn’t cancel out the effort you’re already making or how hard you’re trying. We wish you all the best for tomorrow. You deserve patience and understanding as you navigate this.
I have Asda tomorrow and I really cannot be asked. Even though it's one day, it's one day of me doing unpaid work without fully knowing if this will lead to paid work in the future.
How addicted are people to their vapes where they it's it's perfectly fine for them to vape on a public bus?
Thank you @Ech0, it means a lot, sorry for the late response to this.
it does kinda feel out of my control and like I was meant to be sent an example of a crisis plan to get ideas of what to put however I haven’t be sent it and “N” would like me to come to the session with ideas so now I’m more stressed and worried about the session. But like I always find when I’m in a crisis I never know what works but anything that works one time won’t work the next time so I don’t know how helpful it would be.
but additionally it’s the aspect that I have to think about what I’d want to have with me if the inevitable happens and I get admitted so that scares me coz I have to think about the worse case really.
missing last weeks session just starts my mind spiralling and making me believe I don’t need to go but I know if I don’t go everyone will be disappointed with me but also I just think I’m wasting everyone’s time like I could have said 3/4 weeks ago that I didn’t want to go through this then “N” could have started the pretreatment with someone else.
To be honest like part of me doesn’t want to go because at work we’ve just had an email sent through to say that if appointments are over 1hr in length then you have to take it as holiday or you have to make up the time the same week, so for me it would be I either sacrifice my holiday which means me and my partner cannot go away together or I have to work 30hrs + 3hrs and sometimes that’s not possible especially right now with it being winter. So all that is stressing me out and making me not want to go also.
I might mention it to “N” about how I’ve been feeling with all this coming about and my concerns with the crisis plan. But then I might not because there is no point again.
Just praying “N” doesn’t notice my SH I’ve been good at hiding it so far, like I know i should be honest about it but last time I was and “J” noticed it she contacted the MH team and phoned me and then just kept bring it up each time I saw her. Then when “L” saw it he didn’t care at all. So I’m put off with telling “N” anything in fear of the response I’ll get
Anyways sorry for just rambling
I appreciate your message/comment
I'm having one of those days. Realising I have no hobbies or purpose in life. I don't know what I want because there's nothing I really want.
@independent_ I’m really sorry you’re feeling like that. Those days can feel so heavy. But feeling lost doesn’t mean you don’t have purpose, it just means you’re human and carrying a lot right now.
You don’t need to have hobbies, passions, or big dreams figured out to matter. Your existence alone has so much worth. It’s okay not to know what you want and it’s okay to feel stuck. None of that takes anything away from who you are. We are here for you and you aren’t alone.
@River
That sounds so exhausting, I’m really sorry you’re being put through that. It makes complete sense that you’d feel fed up.You shouldn’t have to fight this hard just to be taken seriously. We hear how frustrating this is and you don’t have to carry it all by yourself.
@Nemuritai I am so sorry to hear that and it makes complete sense that you’d feel overwhelmed when family stuff and old memories come up. Those things have a way of weighing on you , even when you’re not actively thinking about them. Being aware of your need for space and honouring it instead of acting out shows a lot about your kindness and how deeply you care about the people around you.
It’s more than okay to protect your energy and let yourself step back. And I completely understand feeling like crying. If tears come, you’re allowed to let them flow. When emotions build up inside, especially ones that are hard to name or tied to old pain, tears can be the body’s way of letting some of that pressure out. If they don’t, that’s okay too. Whether you cry, feel numb, feel restless, or just want quiet, all of it is valid.
I am very glad you are safe. This moment doesn’t define you and I know there are brighter days ahead and this won’t last forever. You’re allowed to take the space you need, feel what you feel and move through this at your own pace. You matter, exactly as you are.
PS: I’ve always had a soft spot for horses, so hearing that you get to spend your days around them sounds like a lovely meaningful job.
Thank you so so much @Ech0 for the lovely message, that's incredibly thoughtful and kind of you to write that all out. I'm feeling a bit better now, just pretty worn out but I'm holding up okay. How are you, if you feel like sharing? I realise I haven't asked in a little while <3
Horses are lovely btw, I'm glad you like them too - the ones I work with are very playful and absolute softies, it's a real pleasure being able to work around them <3
@Redemption I can really hear how overwhelmed you are feeling and it makes so much sense that you would feel this way, especially on a day that was meant to be for rest. When life feels this heavy, it can be so upsetting to realize that even your time off does not actually give you any relief.
What you shared about work sounds incredibly stressful. But you have already managed to do matters more than you probably give yourself credit for. You kept going through nearly two years of uncertainty and still found a job, which shows how much persistence and strength there is in you. The fear of losing the job is understandable, but it does not erase the fact that you are capable and that you are already proving it by being there and trying.
It is also completely human to look around and notice others who seem further ahead and to feel discouraged by that. What matters, though, is that your path is still moving forward, even if it looks different than you hoped. Progress does not always feel like progress when you are living through it it, but every day you keep going, you are building something . For example, opening a savings account for a future home are ways of honouring the future life you imagine for yourself.
Tomorrow feels scary, and that fear makes sense, but it does not mean tomorrow will go badly. You are still learning the route and learning always comes with uncertainty at first and most people struggle at the beginning more than they admit.
You deserve patience, understanding and care and we believe in you. You are doing your best and that is more than enough.
@Lottie5433 The situation with the crisis plan sounds very difficult . Not being given the example you were expecting and then feeling like you have to figure everything out on your own, would be really unsettling for anyone. And I agree that what works in one moment doesn’t always work the next, so it’s absolutely understandable to question how helpful it even feels right now.
Missing last week’s session and then feeling your thoughts spiral doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be there. You are not wasting anyone’s time , you didn’t take anything away from anyone else and you haven’t done anything wrong. You’re allowed to change your mind, to struggle, to hesitate and to take things one step at a time. You deserve help, patience, and understanding exactly as you are and you don’t have to be a certain way to be worthy of support because you already are.
I can also really hear how scary it is to be asked to think about worst-case scenarios. That’s not an easy thing to sit with, and it makes sense that it would add to the anxiety rather than reduce it. On top of all that, the work situation sounds so overwhelming. Having to choose between your wellbeing, your job, and time with your partner is not fair at all and is a horrible position to be put in, and it makes complete sense that it makes you want to pull away from everything.
Whether or not you decide to share all of this with “N”, your feelings are completely valid. Your hesitancy makes sense given your past experiences, and it’s more than okay to protect yourself and to not have all the answers right now . You don’t owe anyone honesty at the expense of your own sense of safety. And there is no need to apologise at all and nothing of you said was pointless. I’m really glad you shared it, and it takes a lot of courage to do so. You matter and your wellbeing matters.
I went for a drink with some people as chat wasn't on but had to come back as I have to be up really early tomorrow, thats where my routine has to be changed which is a downside.
Thank you @Ech0 I always appreciate you, I'm sure everyone else does, replying to everyone ❤️
Right now thinking about bad memories from a few months ago all involving family. I need to stop complaining and go to sleep.
I do this too, you're allowed to vent about as much as you want so don't feel like you need to stop complaining
Hard wake up today a con is I could catch up with sleep when I get into being how short the hours are
I just got a letter from CMHT detailing pretty much everything. They wrote more details about the damage the SSRIs have done and the uncertainty of what has happened, even 3 months on they believe my body might have not fully settled from the reaction I had but it’s all guess work. I got diagnosed with depression which now I have I really wish I didn’t, and it’s clear the medication event has caused a big dip and shift in my mood. I wish I wasnt pushed to take the antidepressants, I was seeing improvements in therapy and now I’ve been set back so far and can’t make any progress. I could’ve avoided the diagnosis if I never took the antidepressants depressant. I have a review in June. They also believe my ethnic background contributed to my reaction to the medication. They also acknowledged it might have caused an iatrogenic disease which results in basically chemically induced depression - especially given how rapidly things changed. Obviously uncertain if it’s me that’s depressed or if it’s medically mediated, although my physical issues I think points towards the latter and it’s being exacerbated by the sudden change resulting in me being extra depressed. They seem to also think my risk level is ‘very challenging’ but I think I’m doing ok managing it.
Dacia's official Instagram page messaged me which is pretty cool no bigger but kinda cool
Family are getting into arguments again. It has stopped for the time being, but I wouldn't be surprised if it starts again.