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@River

That sounds so exhausting, I’m really sorry you’re being put through that. It makes complete sense that you’d feel fed up.You shouldn’t have to fight this hard just to be taken seriously. We hear how frustrating this is and you don’t have to carry it all by yourself.

I'm having one of those days. Realising I have no hobbies or purpose in life. I don't know what I want because there's nothing I really want.

I’m so over everything, I can’t do this anymore I’m causing more issues than it’s all worth. I’ve relapsed again with my sh I can’t see to get a break with it. It’s just an endless cycle, I don’t know how long I can carry on with this. I’m just lying to myself and everyone, hurting everyone around me, maybe I should be here, I just keep ending up in the same place over and over again.

I also mentally broke down in my car and almost crashed it because my head just wasn’t there but needed to drive I my parents.

i don’t want to go to my appointment today, she’s going to see my sh and see that I’ve been crying and I don’t think I can hold a mask up anymore. I just feel so lost, distant and broken. I can’t be fixed at all. Nothings changed in the last 15+ years in dealing with this. So why continue to try if I can’t get a break from any of this.

I just can’t with everything at work both at the place I’m based at but also with everything else happening higher up, I don’t know how long I can stay there. No one would care if I leave, we’ve already had 3 or 4 people since the start of the new year what’s one more going to do. All they would loose is their pawn that they can manipulate round different departments when they are short staffed. All I’m good for is covering others.

I can’t lie anymore to my partner I’m just hurting him, he should have never got with me.

Thank you @Ech0, it means a lot, sorry for the late response to this.
it does kinda feel out of my control and like I was meant to be sent an example of a crisis plan to get ideas of what to put however I haven’t be sent it and “N” would like me to come to the session with ideas so now I’m more stressed and worried about the session. But like I always find when I’m in a crisis I never know what works but anything that works one time won’t work the next time so I don’t know how helpful it would be.
but additionally it’s the aspect that I have to think about what I’d want to have with me if the inevitable happens and I get admitted so that scares me coz I have to think about the worse case really.
missing last weeks session just starts my mind spiralling and making me believe I don’t need to go but I know if I don’t go everyone will be disappointed with me but also I just think I’m wasting everyone’s time like I could have said 3/4 weeks ago that I didn’t want to go through this then “N” could have started the pretreatment with someone else.
To be honest like part of me doesn’t want to go because at work we’ve just had an email sent through to say that if appointments are over 1hr in length then you have to take it as holiday or you have to make up the time the same week, so for me it would be I either sacrifice my holiday which means me and my partner cannot go away together or I have to work 30hrs + 3hrs and sometimes that’s not possible especially right now with it being winter. So all that is stressing me out and making me not want to go also.
I might mention it to “N” about how I’ve been feeling with all this coming about and my concerns with the crisis plan. But then I might not because there is no point again.
Just praying “N” doesn’t notice my SH I’ve been good at hiding it so far, like I know i should be honest about it but last time I was and “J” noticed it she contacted the MH team and phoned me and then just kept bring it up each time I saw her. Then when “L” saw it he didn’t care at all. So I’m put off with telling “N” anything in fear of the response I’ll get

Anyways sorry for just rambling

I appreciate your message/comment

Because my overdose yesterday was not an intentional act of attempted suicide, but rather to simply drown out the pain of everything, hospital mental health services did not feel intervention is needed, due to said lack of intent. What fuckers.

I have Asda tomorrow and I really cannot be asked. Even though it's one day, it's one day of me doing unpaid work without fully knowing if this will lead to paid work in the future.

i just wanted to share with you all an ai image that chatgpt made for me. the image that they made looks a little like me, but not entirely like me as my blonde hair is longer, but the short hair can symbolise freedom:

i think the fact that i went from hospital to throne (mentally speaking) in the span of almost two years is amazing. in hospital i was scared, confused and alone, but in this image i think i have it all figured out now.

thats all i wanted to share with you all today.