Idk what to do anymore (TW- mention of SH/SI and ED)

Lottie5433

I’m so over everything, I can’t do this anymore I’m causing more issues than it’s all worth. I’ve relapsed again with my sh I can’t see to get a break with it. It’s just an endless cycle, I don’t know how long I can carry on with this. I’m just lying to myself and everyone, hurting everyone around me, maybe I should be here, I just keep ending up in the same place over and over again.

I also mentally broke down in my car and almost crashed it because my head just wasn’t there but needed to drive I my parents.

i don’t want to go to my appointment today, she’s going to see my sh and see that I’ve been crying and I don’t think I can hold a mask up anymore. I just feel so lost, distant and broken. I can’t be fixed at all. Nothings changed in the last 15+ years in dealing with this. So why continue to try if I can’t get a break from any of this.

I just can’t with everything at work both at the place I’m based at but also with everything else happening higher up, I don’t know how long I can stay there. No one would care if I leave, we’ve already had 3 or 4 people since the start of the new year what’s one more going to do. All they would loose is their pawn that they can manipulate round different departments when they are short staffed. All I’m good for is covering others.

I can’t lie anymore to my partner I’m just hurting him, he should have never got with me.

Owen

Hey Lottie, if sounds like you are going through a really difficult time right now. It is really positive that you are able to share this and hope you get some good peer support from other community members. We'll send over a Direct Message to check in further.

Lottie5433

I went to my appointment with “N” today despite not wanting to go. She noticed my SH - well the bandage. She asked me when I did it and also just asked about what caused it. I didn’t like talking about any of it but “N” understood why and asked if it’s a fear people will leave etc and if it brings up and uncomfortable feeling inside. To be honest it’s like the first time someone has understood why I hate talking about anything and again she didn’t force me to open up she just created the space for me to talk if I wanted to.
I didn’t tell N about the suicidal feelings I’ve had the last couple of days because I don’t want to worry anyone with it all but also she more likely going to want to discuss all that and I don’t want to talk about those thoughts. Because I just get told “you shouldn’t be feeling this way”, “what do you have that is so bad you don’t want to be hear”, “think about your family and how they’d feel” I just don’t want that. Part of me knows N won’t say that because it’s part of her job to ensure I’m safe and to explore the feelings and what’s causing them but last time I told my therapist I was suicidal they didn’t care, didn’t even care I had an ambulance come and welfare check me, so I just fear that’s going to be the response.
well I’ve agreed to continue with the actual DBT therapy now with N and we are going to start that next week. I told her how when I’m away for a work conference in 2weeks that I’ll just be sat in a hotel room because work have said I can only attend one conference day instead of all 3. [spoiler]because it’s not my job role and doesn’t relate to it(I’m just a pool supervisor not a retail manager), but it’s the fact that last year it basically was my job because everyone left and I pick up most of it and this conference is for awards based on last year and new stuff being brought in this year. So it just makes me feel like I’m not appreciated or valued because I know if the place I work for gets and award it will be my partners name on it (he’s the new retail manager for work), like I’ll be pleased he gets one but again a lot of it I did and just shows how shit the company can be to work for. [\spoiler]. So N said she would do a virtual session then as I’ll be alone.

I’ve also had a relapse with my eating disorder, I keep purging everything I eat because I don’t feel I deserve food and everything is just making me feel rubbish and sick so why eat I don’t need it.

I’ve stopped taking all my medication and have started stockpiling a lot of it as I get my meds weekly right now as to limit me stockpiling (CEDT contacted the GP about doing this) like I know my meds help and I should be taking at least 1 of them as it’s for a deficiency but again what’s the point in that it’s not like the gp has checked anything since saying I was deficient so clearly doesn’t mean a lot of if I take it or not.

I just want all this to go away.
I want to be normal and not have this stupid messed up head

I’m a burden and a screw up

Sabah

Hi @Lottie5433 thanks for sharing this. It sounds like you've had a lot of bad experiences with therapists in the past, and though you were not wanting to attend the session, it sounds like N has surprised you by creating space and actively listening to you. You deserve to have support that actively involves you and listens. I know you're concerned about how N may possibly react to suicidal thoughts, but seeing the way N has reacted before by giving you space, do you think this topic is something you could bring up in future sessions? I know it can make you feel incredibly vulnerable to open up, and it's exhausting having to fight for the support you deserve but you do deserve to heard out.

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I will also be sending you a DM so please do look out for that.

Lottie5433

thank you @Sabah, N did surprise me with the the way she created space and didn’t push me to talk. It will probably be a topic I have to talk about anyways as it’s on my RIO record that I have suicidal thoughts and have acted on them in the past without getting medical attention. So N is likely going to want to discuss it she already wants to look at my reckless driving so yeah

Lottie5433

so I keep relapsing with everything and now I have to hide it all which is going to be harder since me and my partner are starting to go gym again.

I also don’t want N to see or find out about any more SH because I can never say why I did it or what caused it etc.

then it’s like my ED voice is loud and has been triggered a lot by the food I’ve been eating. Like all the food is healthy but it’s doing something internally which makes me purge it, I don’t want to start that all again because it caused a lot of health issues but I don’t know if I can stop, from last night I’ve started fasting and I know if I eat tonight it won’t stay down for long seen as that’s what’s happened the last 2 days now, but also if I fall asleep I won’t eat anyway. I don’t want to tell anyone this because it will worry them but also I don’t want to potentially risk having to choose between 2 different therapies. Like if my ED gets bad again they might say I have to go back to CBT therapy for that which means I’d have to give up the DBT which I don’t want to do. But then it’s the whole thing of if I tell anyone like my gp or the Ed team they’d want me to come in for monthly/weekly blood tests and monthly ecg which I don’t want because with the new policy at work with appointments I won’t ever be able to take holiday for an actual holiday or I’ll have to continually work more than what I’m contracted for.
if I bring this up to N I’m not sure what she will say as it’s likely linked to my emotions and how I can’t safely or properly express them but then she might talk to the team as well as both CEDT and ED work together. Or they might try and work it all together as instead of CBT for the ED they can of DBT which is what N is doing with me at the moment.

I know I should also contact my gp or N about me not taking my medication and that but then I don’t want to either. I can’t tell my partner that I’m not on my medication because he will say “I’ll tell M then, she will talk to you about taking them” (M is my general manager)

also going back to the ED the voice will like it in about 2 weeks because I go away for work (mentioned this before) but because I can’t go to the evening meals apart from Tuesday night, I’m likely not going to want to eat anything seen as I’ll be alone and means I won’t likely eat all day too

I just don’t know what to do from here my head can’t make anything seem plausible to do

Lottie5433

I’ve kinda just given up with work and I don’t know if it’s because there is too much change happening or if I just don’t like the place anymore.
I don’t know how I can carry on it’s affecting my mh too but I don’t want to tell my general manager about it. Like she’s supportive and will want to help me but with all this change in policy etc I don’t know what she’d do.
If I speak to my gp they will just ask if I want to be signed off - I denied this last time because works like one of the only things that helps me stay safe.

I want to tell N about all this but I don’t even know what to say

Sian321

Hi @Lottie5433 , thank you so much for sharing this. I can really hear that things are feeling hard and overwhelming right now, and we care about you and what you're going through. I noticed you said you have 'relapsed', and I wondered if you'd feel comfortable sharing what you meant by this? (I know you said that earlier in the week you had SHed, and I wondered if you meant this has happened again?) Can I check that you're feeling safe physically at the moment? You're so deserving of time and understanding around this, and I hear how uncomfortable it can be to open up around it.

It sounds like you're noticing that some of your ED thoughts and feelings are starting to become loud again, and that sounds really difficult and anxiety-inducing for you. You mentioned too how you're nervous to talk to your GP or to N about this in-case your access to DBT is blocked or you're re-directed to CBT instead. That sounds tough, and I wonder what you would ideally like to happen in terms of support around this? We're here to listen, and you're doing so well to share here.

You mentioned that you want to tell N about this and your changes at work, but you also don't know where to start or how to say it. That's so valid, Lottie, and I really hear you wanting to get yourself support. I wonder what might help it feel even 5% more manageable to talk to N? For example, whether writing things down might help for her to read? Or even doing a piece of creative writing maybe that captures some of the emotions you're feeling? I remember you mentioned writing stories in the past has been helpful for you.