Idk what to do anymore (TW- mention of SH/SI and ED)

Lottie5433

https://community.themix.org.uk/discussion/comment/3821146#Comment_3821146

I guess it will come with time, it’s just been something I’ve not ever wanted to do because o don’t want to be a burden or hurt anyone.
im not sure if the homework helped I guess it made me think more about what I actually do when I’m struggling

I’m struggling with a lot of thoughts of that I shouldn’t be here and it would be better if I wasn’t here etc. I feel guilty because I had to borrow money from my parents and I just feel bad for it, I broke down in front of my mum as mentioned when I asked for it etc. I never wanted it to ever get to that point and I just feel extremely bad for it. My mum said not to worry and it happens to everyone at some point. But like this just made my thoughts spiral a lot more. To a point where I don’t want to be here and I want to punish myself and hurt myself to deal with all of it

Verity

Hey @Lottie5433 thanks for sharing that, not wanting to 'burden' anyone with your issues shows that you care about others around you, but asking for help/advice/support is never a burden to the right people who care, even if it feels like it. It's okay if you felt that the homework didn't help this time, different methods of DVT don't work the same for everyone and it's effectiveness might just be a result of how you are feeling today.

If you do feel like your safety is at risk at any point today, please know that the NHS 111 service is here for you, as well as your local GP and A&E if so, where staff have a duty of care to support you.

Asking for finanical help is completely okay and it's great to hear that your mum was able to reassure you of this, would you say you always feel this way when you are in a position that you need to ask for help?

Lottie5433

https://community.themix.org.uk/discussion/comment/3821159#Comment_3821159

hi @Verity thank you for your kind message I just feel like I can’t ask anyone for help with anything. And in the past when I’ve reached out to “friends” etc and told them in struggling they’ve disregarded it or used it against me - so that’s why I don’t like reaching out to anyone in fear it will be the same response.

I’m not going to reach out to anyone even if I feel my life is in danger it’s not worth anything.

I do always feel this way when put in a position like that where I need to ask for help.
quite frequently I’ll breakdown in to tears when I ask for help

Verity

@Lottie5433 I'm understanding that past experiences of opening up has discouraged you to continue doing so, I'm so sorry you've experienced this, you deserve conversations that allows you to feel heard and supported, especially from friends. I just want to say that even if it dosn't feel like it, reaching out for support is always worth it. Breaking down into tears after asking for help makes sense, sometimes when we reach the point of needing support it can feel emotionally exhausting and from what you've shared, it's something you really struggle with, which is completely okay. You don't need to have anything figured out, but we just want to remind you that you can always reach out for support.

Lottie5433

thank you @Verity for your message I appreciate so much

Lottie5433

well I was suppose to start group skills session on Monday and have therapy on Wednesday next week but that’s not happening. Also not looking forward to the thick ass book that I have to take to every group session now (it’s not come yet)

I have to also start filling out diary cards which I’m not looking forward to, I was overwhelmed today just looking and talking about it

Lottie5433

I tried just sitting in my car last night instead of driving it because I wanted to be alone and my thoughts were very overwhelming. But my partner came and sat in the car with me and I told him I didn’t want him to do that and he could go inside but he wouldn’t because “we are in it together, and I’m not leaving until your ready to go inside” which is nice but I just wanted to be alone. Because the sat with me I couldn’t cry and be alone on my own so instead when I came in I went to the bathroom and cried instead to which he came knocked asked what I was doing and then came in to see me crying. Once I came out he gave me food to eat but I didn’t want any and he just wanted me to eat a little bit because I’m just letting the nice in my head win if I don’t. I have about 2 individual noodles before I put it back on the side and curled up on the sofa and cried for a bit.

Not this morning I was working at the pool and he came up to do some maintenance jobs, he asked if I was okay and I said I was. He asked me to promise and I just said “I’m fine” and he responded with “why do you seem so pissed off when I ask you that, I just wanted to make sure you are okay” and I hate myself for almost snapping at him but I’m fed up with people asking if I’m okay, and him almost not believing me I’m okay and making me promise I’m okay: makes me think I’m not doing a good enough job at presenting that I’m okay even when I am okay. So yeah it’s just all annoying me a bit.

Like part of me wish I could start group next week and go to therapy next week but I can’t because I’m on a training course with work 9-5 on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Because I can’t go group next week it could be another 8 weeks potentially before I start that which idk how long I can keep this façade up of being “fine/okay”

also been told that when I get my therapists number and I contact her when I’m struggling etc. if I end up hurting myself or doing anything I’m not allowed contact for 24hrs an that includes going to therapy session too